The Choice I Made That Eventually Destroyed My Marriage
I stood there, not knowing what to say, with thousands of thoughts racing through my head.
Did he really just say that? Did I hear him right? No, he wouldn’t. Yes, he did! And in the blink of an eye my world fell apart…. I was given an impossible choice to make that would end my marriage either way.
What am I talking about, I hear you say….
It all started on a Friday morning in June 2013. I recently had some routine blood tests done at the doctor’s office when I received a telephone call that would change my life.
The doctor congratulated me on my pregnancy and informed me I would need to book in for my early pregnancy assessment due to my previous pregnancy history. I was delighted but nervous as we hadn’t planned this pregnancy.
I told my husband the wonderful news and I could tell immediately by the look on his face he wasn’t happy. He told me he didn’t want the baby, didn’t want to talk about it, and I was not to tell anyone. My heart sank.
We drove to our friends in Scotland as planned and spent the weekend. We didn’t discuss the pregnancy and the weekend was a struggle both physically and emotionally.
Days went by and he didn’t want to talk about it. We argued like never before and then one day, two weeks after the telephone call, my world fell apart.
“I don’t want the baby,” he said. “I never wanted her,” pointing to our beautiful 20-month-old daughter. “I only married you and had her for you. If you have this baby, our marriage is over. It’s our marriage or the baby,” and he left.
My head was spinning. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks. Did I really just hear my husband give me an ultimatum? No, I couldn’t have. He wouldn’t say that. Would he? Yes, he did. My husband, the father of my daughter, was giving me an ultimatium.
I felt like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest. How can I make this choice? How could he put me in this situation, knowing how devastating the loss of my two previous pregnancies had been.
For the next few days we barely spoke. When we did, it was like WWIII. I had every conceivable possibility running through my head. I couldn’t sleep, I binge ate, I was so consumed with what happened and what to do. In secret, I confided in a dear friend.
My daughter and I were then involved in a minor car accident that required an ambulance to attend. This, unfortunately, happened in the neighbourhood my husband and I work. I had to tell the paramedic of my pregnancy, and in turn, people at work found out.
A few days later, I came home from work and took my daughter outside into our beautiful garden and watched her as she played with our dog, oblivious to my heartbreak.
When my husband came home, I asked him to come and sit with us, and there I told him I had made my choice, fighting back the tears I told him I had booked an appointment for the following day to end my pregnancy and save my marriage. He told me it was the right thing to do and he will tell people we suffered another unfortunate miscarriage. I was speechless.
Work friends congratulated us, I told my husband. He was then concerned his family would find out and we hadn’t told them. My husband phoned his mother and told her I was pregnant, but the baby is not viable and I have to go to the hospital the following day for assistance with the “miscarriage.” I felt disgusting; I didn’t want to do this, I desperately wanted my baby.
I didn’t sleep that night and the next day was a blur. My husband dropped me at the hospital and he went to our friends house who were aware of the situation. I met with the doctor and that day I ended my pregnancy. I immediately regretted what I had done and right there in that moment I knew my marriage was over.
He picked me up with my daughter, flowers and a “Thinking of you card.” I felt sick.
I couldn’t look at him. I was devastated.
I tried to forgive him and continue with our marriage. I became very depressed, I couldn’t leave the house, I hated myself for what I had done, and I hated my husband for giving me the devastating ultimatum.
I wanted separate rooms in the house while I dealt with the destruction and grief left behind.
He then began to put me down for gaining weight, for being in my PJs all day – telling me I was a mess and why would anyone want to be with me. He would put pictures of me looking beautiful and slim in front of my face and shout, “Where is she? Where is the woman I fell in love with?”
It was a daily struggle not to cry. I no longer wanted to feel the pain and hurt. I was at rock bottom and the only light was my daughter. She kept me from ending it all because I couldn’t bare to leave her, not see her smile again, or never hear the words “I love you mummy” again.
Then one day after my husband put me down, I was crying and my daughter started to cry and said, “Has daddy made you cry again mummy?” My heart broke. I finally realized that not only had the problems affected me, but my daughter also.
So just after our daughters third birthday, I told my husband I wanted him to move out of our family home. It was extremely hard to do so, but I could never forgive him for the ultimatum and the constant emotional abuse following.
We sold our family home, and my daughter and I moved into rented accommodation. I was so broke I struggled to put food on the table and only heated my house when my daughter was home.
I have slowly started to rebuild my emotional well-being, though it’s an ongoing battle. I still haven’t come to terms with the decision I made and I’m not sure I ever will. I try to take each day at a time. It’s a constant struggle, but with the smile of my beautiful daughter and my friends, I’m slowly finding myself again. I still have a lot of work issues to deal with because of the tough time. It impacted my work, but I’ve learned some valuable lessons and they have made me the woman I am today.
My divorce will be finalized imminently, and although I’m sad that my marriage failed and we are no longer a family unit, I’ve realized I deserve so much more than what I accepted. One day I hope to find someone who will love me and my daughter unconditionally through the good times and the bad. I’m not looking for someone who is perfect, just someone who is perfect for me.
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Helen I feel your pain. Although I never had children during my marriage and again not a woman I too have also been through a divorce. Once it’s through it is a major relief. I felt the same as you struggled day to day even to put food on the table for myself let alone any visitors. Things get easier and you will find someone to treat you right. I have and I have never been so happy
What I don’t understand is the part where he said he never wanted the first child and then there are a few miscarriages? Has he been suffering in silence? Was there any discussions about having babies before the marriage? How about after the first one? Where is the truth and alignment in this marriage? Or did the truth finally come out when he told you he did not want the baby?
“Has he been suffering in silence?”
No. But she did, after her husband attempted to destroy her soul.
“Where is the truth and alignment in this marriage?”
Among the ashes. The truth is her husband is a selfish, uncaring, abusive shell of a man.
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You deserve to have a man in your life who views your children as the beautiful miracles that they are!! My heart breaks for you. Stay strong! Far better things await you!
Don’t be taken in with this rubbish!!!
don’t like the truth?
Your ex husband was a selfish man, and yes, you paid the price for that. But now you have the chance to move on, start again and have a child with someone who loves and cherishes both of you. Take it from someone whose husband gave her the SAME ultimatum and I chose having the baby. It’s hard both ways. I now share custody with a man who doesn’t really want his own daughter. And I see her heartbreak every single day when her selfish father chooses everything else over her. You will get stronger and overcome this, I promise. Chin up.
What do you know?
Sorry you ended up with such a selfish monster and suffered for it. I had a similar experience and it took me years to get over the self-loathing because of my “choice.” Although, it didn’t feel like much of a choice. My physical and mental health deteriorated. Even though I never enjoyed life very much after that, I got better and I have done some good things with my life since then. I went back to school, obtained two college degrees and became a special education teacher. I have also traveled a lot and volunteered in several charity organizations and activities, including a pregnancy care center, where I could help women who want to keep their babies. I am also in a fulfilling relationship now with the love of my life. So, I guess it can get better with a great deal of determination.
>******* HUGS *******< for you and your beautiful daughter.
I, too, was met with this same ultimatum when my twin sons were just under 3 years old. As with you, the pregnancy wasn’t planned and I knew he wouldn’t be thrilled in hearing the news. He, too, was quite clear in stating he didn’t want this child, nor did he want the twins, and I had a choice: either him or the baby. He rationalized this ultimatum by reminding me that I’m pro-choice. I replied that pro-choice doesn’t mean “pro-abortion”, it simply means *I* have the choice to choose. Our stories differ at this point… I waited a few weeks, pondering this decision. I knew my marriage was over, regardless what decision I made, and I decided to have the baby. I made my announcement at a party with about 50 people. He wasn’t happy, to say the least, and became abusive. Our “marriage” lasted until the baby was a little over a year old. Fast-forward 16 years and now he has very little contact with his children. The baby is desperate to have a relationship with his father and is willing to go to college in that city to be closer to his dad in hopes there will be a relationship. Through the years I’ve had MANY people ask me why I didn’t choose to terminate my pregnancy, when that was all it would take to “keep” my husband and family intact. As I’m sure you can relate, when someone gives you that kind of choice, there really IS no choice. Please know that time will help you heal… it did for me. Thank you for being as brave as you are and writing this article. It really resonated with me.
My heart breaks for you, I’m so sorry for the losses you’ve been forced to endure. Mostly, I’m grateful for your bravery in telling your story so beautifully. Just WOW!
I am so sorry to hear you had to go thru this. Fourteen years ago when I was still married, I found out I was expecting which was a total surprise. After I told my husband, he shoved a piece of paper in my face providing directions to an abortion clinic. I was speechless – I had been married for seven years at that point and its a decision I have totally regretted to this day. I got pregnant again and have a wonderful 8 year boy from the same marriage but what I later found out was that my husband had been having affairs for years and it’s likely the reason he wanted me to have an abortion was because he didn’t want his girlfriend at that time to hear I was pregnant. I wish you all the best in dealing with this. Please do not continue to beat yourself up for the decision as you made the best decision you could at that time. You are blessed with a beautiful little girl and that’s a gift. I hope your ex is taking care of his responsibilities to be a good dad to her.