New chapters always come with change. It may be good that will come from bad, or bad that comes from the best of intentions, but either way there is change. This is not the change I wanted but had to keep in the back of my mind, just in case. I have been pretty much absent from writing for the past year and a half as I embarked on my journey to carry out my daughter’s wishes to change custody and live with me. Ted has stalked me since I left him in 2008 and I often worry he has found out about my blog. I didn’t want anything to get in the way and wanted to do everything “right”, as I have often in the past done everything “wrong”.
Ted, of course, threatened Kristy on the phone the night he received the change of custody papers in July 2015 that he would find out everything she told me. She broke down that night due to the pressure. I should have seen that night as an indication of what was to come, but as they say, hind sight is always 20/20.
The next year and a half consisted of much stalling on Ted’s part, and high attorney fees. I kept asking Kristy if she was sure she wanted this, always with a resounding “yes” from her. A few months ago we had mediation that resulted in finally getting Kristy into counseling. I had been requesting counseling for so long, I was ecstatic just at the idea, and told Kristy to go at her own pace and talk as she was comfortable. When the first appointment came and the counselor spoke with each parent individually, I listened to my support group’s suggestions and used all of the right wording. I didn’t make any accusations, bash or try to sway her “my” way.
On Monday this week, while at work in the middle of my rounds, I received an email from my attorney in the form of a forwarded letter from Ted’s attorney. Kristy’s counselor had called Ted’s attorney to tell him Kristy had made her choice, and was requesting to make no change in custody… at a session Ted had taken her to, that I knew nothing about. I immediately hyperventilated and broke down. My manager let me sit in his office and cry it out while he completed my rounds.
So now I sit here again, feeling betrayed, played, broken and at rock bottom, the very place Ted loves for me to be. My head is swimming and I can’t concentrate. My thoughts jump from one place to the next. Yesterday I went over to my grandma’s house to spend some time with her. I just needed a hug from my Momo. I shared some thoughts with her and she whole-heartedly agreed that I need a change.
I have been muddling through the past 8 years fighting so hard to stay in my children’s lives, to fight everything negative Ted is trying to fill their heads about me. I have been fighting back every time he keeps them over my parenting time, and living through nasty email after nasty email accusing me of everything under the sun. I have been taken to court for false accusations too many times to count. I have put a smile on my face far too often when all I want to do is cry. I am just exhausted.
I can’t do it anymore.
I have talked it over with my boyfriend and I will become the mom I never ever wanted to be. I will be moving 437 miles away from the very beings that mean the most to me in the entire world. They are my world. I am going to do the very thing I thought would kill me, but now know is the only way to save me. I need peace from the daily chaos. I will see them on some holidays and during the summer. I know seeing them will become a battle too, as Cluster B’s don’t ever stop, but I think the distance will help the three of us. I guess only time will tell.
my heart breaks for you.
the only positive thing I can think of right now is that by removing yourself from the area, grant will no longer have you to blame and disrespect, and kristy will have a place to flee to when she’s 18.
And I will stop being a pawn in Ted’s daily chaos game.I f I stay, he will use them to hurt me more and more until I have no relationship with them left. I have fought so hard for so long and I have no fight left. I am empty inside. He will pawn Kristy off on her best friend’s family like he does now, and hopefully not be “at her” as much when she is home. Thank you for your kind thoughts, Anne.
Please keep writing.. There are quite a few people in this situation but no one likes to talk about it. Sociopaths don’t change! You are doing the right thing by leaving the drama. Your children will see him for who he is one day and come running. That’s the best you can do at this moment. You are very brave!…. His day will come. I’m a firm believer that what goes around, comes around! He won’t reign forever.
Thank you so much, Carolyn. I will keep writing once I get a little settled. I miss writing a lot. I want to share my new journey and all of the messy feelings that are going along with it. I am literally in the middle of my move as I write this. I have started my new job and have a really good feeling I will love it. Things have been too eerily quiet from the chaos front, so preparing for a storm. Will post as soon as I can. Much love.
I would love to see an update from you!
Hi Kathy! It’s been an insane year along with dealing with a lot of emotions. I literally shut down creatively and was in survival mode for so long. I’m climbing out of my depression and hope to have updates very soon.
I am in tears as I read this. My ordeal is just beginning, trying to be the best mom I can be to my children, to show them I am not what my ex is telling them that I am…they are too small to understand, a 4 year old girl and a 2 1/2 year old boy…sometimes it feels like he is accomplishing what he wants…and can not believe that he can be so cruel to them, playing with their minds like that. I would love to have an update from you…for me the storm is just starting.
Hi! I am so sorry I am just getting this. This past year has been a roller coaster for sure. It breaks my heart each and every time I hear someone new say the words “me, too.” Please find me on FB, Isabella Pinkerton. I am doing better in some ways. I would love to update but have been having computer problems. Hoping to have it fixed very soon. I have lost all contacts with my son since Christmas day of last year, but I am back visiting my daughter as I write this. Please don’t lose hope. Hope to post soon.
Oh Bella. Reading this breaks my heart. I recently lost round one in what will be a never ending battle over my 2.5 year old son. My ex husband and the witnesses he groomed lied over and over about his parenting abilities. They said he was the primary caregiver until I left him (lie) and that he didn’t engage in stalking behavior before and after I left (lie). The judge believed everything he said and now I get my tiny son every other weekend and a few hours during the week. He’s given ultimate control to an abusive, manipulating stalker who admitted to the court that he’d been actively planning for a trial since I moved out. We still live in the same small town, work at the same small school and he still knows what I’m doing at all times. I hate reading what you write, but it makes me feel less alone. I hope you’re finding small bits of joy in your days.