My life after divorce: This is the shit I deal with every day on top of everything else. EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is the shit I don’t tell anyone because sometimes it’s too hard to face and too hard to talk about.
Today I face the demoralizing task of going to school to beg them not to kick my kids out even though I owe a huge amount of money in school fees and have no idea how I’m going to pay them. My ex-husband has removed his name from the school enrollment contract therefore legally wiping his hands of any financial responsibility. He will be the first person to strut into the school at Open Day, Parent/Teacher interviews or Father’s day morning acting like father of the year collecting accolades even though he has not contributed anything financially to the boy’s education for almost twelve months.
For the past three days, my bank account has been overdrawn by hundreds of dollars. When I get paid I’ll already be a couple of hundred of dollars behind. I have more expenses than income. Some of these are joint expenses from my now defunct marriage. Property settlement would resolve some of this but it is constantly stalled by a man who only communicates when he sees fit and subsequently the division of our property will be decided in a Court of Law.
Last week I had a grand total of $50 to buy groceries for the entire week for five people. That includes diapers for two of the children. Aside from some canned Tuna, we didn’t eat meat last week. Two-minute noodles and frozen vegetables made an appearance a couple of times. Actually, we ate a lot of pasta and vegetables and I tried to hide eggs in everything so that the children were at least getting a little bit of protein and I would not feel like I’ve failed at providing them basic necessities.
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Sometimes I go without meals or eat the leftovers off the kid’s plates because there’s simply not enough for three kids and an adult. The kids never go without, the kids never notice that I do.
The boys were supposed to spend Monday with a member of my ex’s family. This person didn’t show up so I had to explain to three heartbroken children why this person wasn’t coming and then try and make it up to them. They think it’s my fault and I must try and deal with the borderline abusive comments from them without taking anything personally.
I used to be a neat freak but I have given up. Sometimes it takes all my energy just to get out of bed. There’s very little left for four children and housework too. I have never lived in such a messy house before. Sometimes it gets to me so I find the cleanest room and spend my time there.
My children used to be immaculately dressed in the latest designer gear. I struggle to keep up with the mountains of laundry and I can no longer afford the designer clothes. Recently I took the kids out, I looked at the clothes they were wearing some had stains and nothing matched and couldn’t believe my poor kids were standing there looking like hobos. I promised myself that I would make more of an effort with the laundry. I haven’t washed anything for a week.
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The two-year-old is constantly hurting the baby. I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know how to handle this. The baby’s arm is full of cuts and bruises from where the two-year-old has been pinching his arm in the car.
I bought furniture for the boys last week using a voucher supplied to me by a charity.
And my lowest moment, having to put the boy’s school shoes on an interest-free credit card purchase as I simply couldn’t afford them.
I’m not as fun as I used to be. The weight of my world gets to me. Sometimes I retreat into myself because it’s easier than facing the world.
I am so hard on myself. I hate myself. The things I say in my head are terrible. Most days I can’t even look in the mirror because I get angry at the failure standing in front of me. Relationships fail all the time and everyone else seems to handle things so much better than me. I never feel good enough for anyone. I feel like a burden to everyone.
I have never told anyone that my ex-husband never said he loved me. Not once.
I have piles and piles of paperwork that must be dealt with for the divorce and children but to face this paperwork is too much. I know if I tie up some of these loose ends it might help things a little and may even give me some extra financial assistance but to deal with some of this is just too much right now.
This is the shit I deal with every day on top of everything else. EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is the shit I don’t tell anyone because sometimes it’s too hard to face and too hard to talk about.
Life after divorce sucks. Talking about it, even writing about it, makes it real and I don’t want to face reality.
This wasn’t the life I chose, I was forced into this life and sometimes I am so damn angry that one person can destroy everything for so many people and seemingly not care.
I’m tired.
Pembroke says
(((hugs))) and sharing tears with you.
Amy says
Know that you are not alone in your struggle or your thoughts. I’m there with you with my four boys and it does suck a lot of the time. Don’t give up!
Nicole says
hi. It does suck. One day at a time..one thing at a time, similar situation with 4 ..when you get this way..take a break for your self to regroup..love your kids ..you need to be good first for them ..you got this
Katie says
You have the strength to do this, there are support systems out there. Try different churches or other organizations for single mothers. My divorce lawyer gave me numbers of several places. You aren’t alone -my strength and my prayers are with you.
Donna says
I’m so sorry things are this hard for you right now. You are obviously, understandably, overwhelmed physically emotionally, spiritually, and financially right now. Please know whatever you’re feeling WILL pass. The black hole isn’t bottomless. I promise.
Katie’s advice is good – there may be more help out there than you realize. If you can gather the strength to check, or ask a friend or family member to help you check, it could relieve some of the pressure you’re feeling.
Please be patient and gentle with yourself. This is an incredibly hard time for you. Even if it’s just 3 minutes, please take the time to breathe – slowly and deeply. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, clear your head. Congratulate yourself for every tiny victory (out of bed, showered, kids dressed – whatever – it all counts).
I have a small piece from a Title Nine catalog page (a place I can no longer afford to shop) cut out and put where I can see it every day. It’s a photo of the annual Mother’s Day run they host in Boulder, CO. Someone is holding up a sign that says “THINK YOU’RE GONNA WIN”. Find a saying that resonates for you and repeat it to yourself. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it kept me from giving up.
Have you considered posting this article to start a gofundme? Is there any possibility of an emergency court order to get you through this financial stretch (something else a friend may be able to help research)?
Sending you virtual hugs. You got this – you really do. It just doesn’t feel that way right now. I would never wish the hell you’re enduring on anyone. Please know though, that you will come out of this a stronger, smarter, happier person. I can tell you that from experience.
All the best to you and your children.
Rachel LaDuke says
I am so sorry. I wish there was a magic word I could say to you to help you and make it all go away, but unfortunately, I do not have one. Nobody had that magic word for me either. I want you to understand that you ARE NOT alone. A lot of us have been where you are now. We didn’t do the laundry. We felt horrible guilt for what our kids were dealing with (even though it really wasn’t all our fault–and it certainly isn’t all your fault either). I remember grocery shopping on Saturday so my kids could get to taste all the samples and have a free lunch!!
Please understand that YOU WILL get through this, and things will improve. It may take awhile, but I promise you will heal from this and become a MUCH stronger person.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. The best (and easiest) thing you can do to make this whole ordeal better right now is BE KIND to yourself. Realize that you are going through one of the most stressful times of your life, and you are doing the BEST you can, even when it feels like you are not!!!!
Please ASK for help!! Ask your family, or friends or fellow Church members to care for your children for a couple hours so you can get some rest, do some laundry, or take care of some paperwork.
You deserve a few minutes to yourself to think clearly, and I am sure the people who love you want to help. We ALL need this help at one time or another. Don’t be too proud to ask for help!!
Don’t push yourself too hard either. Pick one small thing to do every day that will help your situation and do that. Eventually, you will be less stressed and able to handle more.
I will be praying for you and your children!
Rachel
Funke says
Lots of great advice has been given. You will get through this, baby step by baby step. Please, please and please ask for help and let people help you. It is the most difficult and humbling thing to do but it will make your life manageable. Free yourself from every expectation; just do what you can and not what anyone expects of you. I can relate with you on the paper work side of things, i hate them and even after 4 years I am still playing catch up. See if a trusted adult can help you with the older ones for a few hours, then relax on the sofa, breathe in and out, surround yourself if possible with some positive or soothing music, then when you feel a tiny strength come through, pick the easiest paper work and deal with it as far as you can. Take lots of break to recuperate. If you feel up for it, then go to the urgent one next. As someone suggested do the fund me thing but i get it doing anything is a struggle. However please keep taking those baby steps. Keep us posted on the fund me thing should you decide to do it. You may want to consider other schooling options for your children, just for your own sanity. However if you can’t deal with that now, that is fine. Deal with what you can. Self-preservation is the first key to survival. You will get through this and i will pray for you and the kids. I don’t know what your belief is but I want you to know that God loves you.
Deborah says
After my long term marriage of 33 years abrubtly ended with my husband walking out without a clue nor anything said to me that he wasn’t happy I felt like he had punched me in the stomach, hit me ove the head with a brick and the floor beneath me had given way. Crying endlessly for weeks on end, I finally was happy he had left since I started to assess my real life with him and realized I had been notbhing more to him than a “roomate with benefits”, catering to his career and corporate goals, his going from enlisted to Naval Officerrand more plus moving all over the USA every 2 to 4 years, saying goodbye to those both I and our 2 sons had become friends with.
Assuming my life was going to get better, I was then “blind-sighted” again only 4 months later, with my finding out at age 57 years old that I had been adopted and never told about it. I felt and still feel not only cheated but feel my heart was broken, the spirit I once had was gone. Finding out my adoptive parents who I never was close with ,( running away to join the Navy myself) , finding out all the relatves knew of my adoption has hurt me greatly. I even had another birth name entirely, but changed through the courts in France makes me question who I am, why I am here, why has my life been so tragic.
Then… just last year, when I thought my life was going to improve, getting divorced from y husband finally, I woke up one morning and could not see out of my left eye. I found out my retina had detached, Having surgery to reatach it was hopeful to me, but then, 33 days later my retina detached again.
Feeling cursed is all I can say because there are absolutely no words to describe my life at this point. While things are never perfect in your life, I am just trying to stand up again. I look at photos of me and my 2 sons and see we had smiles on our faces, had pets and friends in our lives that brought us joy but find I can barely smile, hardly eat, worry every day if I can or will ever be happy again.
For me personally… I am so lost. Many days I cry just getting out of bed. They call this “walking depression” but I just call it that I am so angry I geve up so much of my lfie for someone who didn’t love me at all. He won’t even have any contact with our mentally disabled adutl son who lives with me.. and that too breaks my heart in half.
That Noise Is Mine says
Oh Deborah. I can feel and understand your pain. Life is hard at times but it does get better. Since writing this post I have had a turn around and am slowly getting back on track. I don’t know if this is appropriate to mention my personal page on here but head over to my blog (http://thatnoiseismine.com/) and read my latest post. Things will get better, I promise you. Feel free to contact me direct through my blog. I’d love to keep track of your progress. Thank you so much for your comments xx
Betsy says
I am sure you have probably applied for assistance, but here are some suggestions off the top of my head: 1. apply for food stamps; 2. apply for child care assistance; 3. contact your church and see if they have a food pantry that you can get food at (Sometimes they have clothes to provide as well); 4. apply for child support through your state’s child support enforcement office (his wages can be garnished); and 5. apply for legal assistance to obtain free legal services.
I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your ex.
Sloan says
Boy can I relate to this whole article. It makes me want to cry and hug you cause I understand every second of what you are saying. EVERYTHING! I went from driving nice cars and having a beautiful home and a life that every one envied (yet I was mostly miserable) to driving a piece of junk, renting, working to make ends meet, having my kids wear the same thing over and over because I haven’t had a chance to even attempt laundry, and sitting in a room wanting so bad to live in a clean house, but not having the drive or energy to do it. When my kids are home I want to spend time with them and not be cleaning, yet I complain non stop that it’s messy. I am having a really hard time finding balance and drive. Dealing with my narcissistic ex is a whole other issue in itself. The one thing I do know is this.. my kids and I have a bond that is so strong. We all cry together at times but man are we close. And I ask my kids if they miss are old life and they mostly say no because they wouldn’t trade for how close we are now and how much laughing we do together, where as before, living with my ex was scary and uncomfortable. I hate dealing with custody and not having my kids 24/7 and having to share them with someone, but when we are together, it’s usually quality. We have learned to appreciate the things we do have. I just bought my first car since the divorce, and it’s not a clunker and my kids are so excited where as before, they would have not even realized how lucky we are. Divorce is hard, life is hard.. I guess we can only hang on to each other for support cause I know we aren’t alone even though it feels like it. Hang in there. xoxo
Jane Thrive says
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your reality and hardships. I can so relate to everything you have written, esp the part about how he doesn’t contribute but then shows up like father of the year. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and know you are not alone. You WILL get through this. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Love and hugs to you. You are not alone. !!!! <3
Lk harry says
I hate that stupid saying!! How much stronger does any one person need to be??? I’m already 10 feet tall and bullet proof! What I need is a break!! A stroke of good luck, just for once!!!
Deborah says
Update on me” Fianlly after trying so hard each day and feeling so broken, financialy, emotionally and physically, I reached out to the VA mental health clinic since I am a veteran myself to get professional help and counseling. I aksed to be placed with a woman and from what I was told she deals with tramatica brain injuries, so she should have lots of patience, understanding and compassion when listening to my tragic horror story of a life since my husband left me 3 years ago,
I made a list of all the events that have happened during the time he left, from my adoption findings at afe 57 yrs old, to my youngest son’s 3 x’s in a hosptial for suicidal thoughts, to my 2 retinal detachments and much, much more complete sadness with constant crying daily.
Cannot wait to see this doctor and hope if anyone is dealing with depression of great magnitude, they will seek help, if only just to calm and feel your pain too. My gril friends on the east coast tell me all the time that they don’t understand how I am still coping and standing, and I tell them I don’t know either after all I’ve been through. But as they say, “what doesn’t kill you.. makes you stronger” must be true too.
lk harry says
Boy oh boy, do relate to this poor woman. Day after day, putting on a brace face, working so hard to clean up a financial mess that I didnt create.. worrying about everything, 24/7.. it’s exhausting
Holly Pfeifer says
So nice to know that feeling this way is “normal”…thank you for sharing…I don’t feel so alone…