Having an affair, for some men, causes an addiction to the other woman. The same kind of addiction that some have for alcohol or opioids. And, once the addiction takes hold most men find it almost impossible to extract themselves from the affair.
I remember a divorce coaching client of mine who was totally obsessed with her soon-to-be-ex’s cheating partner. She could focus on nothing but the other woman who was sleeping with her husband. She goes to bed thinking about the woman and wakes in the morning thinking about the woman.
My client was well-educated, had a great career, was slim and attractive. She was the total package trying to come to terms with the fact that her husband had cheated and fallen in love with an overweight, unattractive woman with five children with three different men and lived on “the wrong side of the tracks.”
She had always assumed that if she lost her husband to another woman, that woman would be younger than her, better looking than her, and have more to offer than her. What she was failing to understand is, men, don’t cheat because the woman is younger or good looking, they cheat because they like the way they feel when they are with the other woman.
At the root of most affairs is fascination and infatuation. To understand how men cheat with the last person you’d expect them to, you must understand that an affair is intoxicating and addictive and the “love” felt for a cheating partner is different from marital love.
Married Love:
Married love begins with infatuation or romantic love and moves into committed love that ebbs and flows based on life and the personalities of each spouse. For romantic love to turn into committed love each spouse must have some or all the character traits below.
- An understanding of what commitment means,
- Sensitivity to the feelings of others,
- A generous heart, the will to give to your spouse when it means doing without yourself,
- The ability to take into consideration the needs of their spouse,
- A willingness to be honest, dependable and trustworthy,
- Most of all they are resilient, accepting and forgiving.
When we marry the romantic love that led us to the decision to marry falls prey to daily stressors that either promote committed love or reveals that the “love” was nothing but infatuation that can’t survive the reality of daily life.
Most marriages move from infatuation to a more balanced, reality-based committed love. That can’t be said for most affairs.
It’s Isn’t “Love,” It’s Infatuation:
“To inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration” is the definition of infatuated. It is easy to mistake infatuation for committed love but it is only an attraction to another person based on who you need that person to be in your life and how that person causes you to feel when with them.
An affair is about that initial “in love” feeling, that point in a relationship when someone is blinded to the other person’s flaws. By its very nature, a love affair prolongs those feelings of infatuation. The longer the affair, the longer the feelings of infatuation.
People engaged in an affair spend little “real” time together. Most of their time together is spent in a fantasy world free of the stressors that daily life introduces into love relationships. It is easy to maintain illusions and romanticize a relationship if that relationship is based on secret, fleeting meetings with little time for real life to intrude.
The other woman is an object of desire, they are wanted based on the fact that they fulfill a man’s need to feel “in love” and not based on who they actually are. Think of the infatuation that comes along with a love affair the same way you would if your spouse had “one too many beers.” There is a sense of intoxication that comes along with a love affair that keeps those involved from thinking rationally.
Love affairs are as addictive as alcohol or drugs due to the good feelings they illicit in the cheater. That “in love” feeling gives the cheater a sort of chemical high. He/she will continue the affair until the relationship is exposed to the realities of day to day life.
Below are 8 characteristics of cheating “love.”
1. They feel as if they can’t live without each other despite the fact they live most their life away from each other.
2. They fear they will fall apart emotionally if they must remove themselves from the affair.
3. They have deep feelings of anxiety, worry or jealousy of the affair partner.
4. They have a need for the affair partner to meet all their expectations.
5. There is the belief that the affair partner will change themselves to meet the other person’s needs.
6. A need for the affair partner to be accessible always, regardless of the fact that they are rarely able to see each other.
7. They have a deep dependence on the affair partner to “make” them feel loved.
8. There is an inability to find comfort when they are not with the affair partner.
Basically, the difference between married love and affair love is…married love is unconditional, you accept your spouse for who they are, warts and all. Affair love is conditional; it cannot survive the realities of day-to-day life. Affair love is steeped in fears of loss whereas, married love is associated with the comfort of knowing you are loved and accepted as you are.
The reasonable person wonders how someone can become addicted to or intoxicated by a situation that causes so much stress and anxiety. I suppose that feeling of infatuation outweighs those feelings of stress and anxiety over the love affair. The emotional rush one experiences during the affair makes real life marital love seem like a let-down. So, they return as often as possible for that short-term hormonal feeling of infatuation.
Points to consider if your husband is addicted to the other woman:
If your husband is having an affair please keep the 4 things below in mind.
- Infatuation is not real love,
- The fact that the affair is not exposed to daily life stressors is what keeps it going,
- Long-term affairs are usually a sign of problems in the marriage,
- Whether your marriage survives an affair depends on what kind of affair your spouse has.
FAQs about Cheating:
Can my husband fall for an unattractive woman?
Your husband can fall for an unattractive woman as men sometimes grab the opportunity to have sex outside marriage with both hands. You are certainly in for a shock if you thought you could only lose your husband to a beautiful, hot and attractive woman.
Do men cheat because they find younger women more attractive?
Why men cheat has no nexus with younger women. Men cheat because of how they feel when they are with the other woman. The fundamental reason behind most affairs is fascination and infatuation with the other woman. Men find their affair partners to be attractive because they enjoy the ostensible newness, the intoxication and the addictiveness associated with it.
How to turn romantic love into committed love?
A conscious, sincere and persistent effort can turn romantic love into committed love. Romantic love may come to couples naturally but to turn it into committed love couples need to understand each other’s needs, boundaries, understanding, trust and willingness to forgive and accept each other for who they are.
Can romantic love fall prey to stressors?
Daily stressors associated with married life can make romantic love appear like nothing more than infatuation or obsession. The only way for you to keep love running in your relationship is to turn your romantic love into committed love.
How do I know it’s not love but infatuation?
It’s easy to mistake infatuation with committed love in the early days of your relationship. The rigors of married life can easily pry open a relationship, which is based on infatuation.
Is an affair romantic?
An affair can be dubbed romantic because of its secretive nature, which creates an illusionary world of happiness and love around both the partners. Besides, an affair does not have the daily stressors associated with a real life relationship of a married couple. You can feel euphoric in an affair.
Why do men have affairs?
Men have affairs because it satisfies their need to feel in ‘love’ without having to shoulder any of the responsibilities associated with marriage. The intoxication and euphoria felt because of an affair precludes any rational thinking.
Are love affairs addictive?
Love affairs are not only addictive but also intoxicating for the cheater. It doesn’t wear off until both the partners experience the realities of life.
What should I keep in mind if my husband is having an affair?
You should know that an affair is at best an infatuation, which surely will succumb to the daily stressors. However, a long-term affair indicates that all is not well in your marriage, and you need to rethink your relationship with your spouse. The nature of an affair determines whether your marriage will survive or not.
I agree with much except “longterm affairs are a sign of problems in the marriage.” Duh….if your spouse is cheating the likelihood is they’ve always cheated. It is also likely they’ve diminished their spouse, manipulated their spouse resulting in a very unhappy spouse. In other words, the cheating causes the marriage to become a petri-dish of rot.
Paula, you don’t think women are capable of diminishing and manipulating a husband? I cheated on and left my wife after 27 years of her refusing to have sex with me, calling me a stupid idiot on a regular basis and having her put me down in front of my children. I stayed because of my children but, the minute they were all gone I found someone who loved and respected me and bid that witch I was married to adieu. I’ve been remarried for 8 years and have never been happier. My ex-wife is still a shrew who turned our marriage in to a petri-dish of rot. If a woman is mean-spirited, hateful and demeaning to a man, she shouldn’t be surprised when he finds someone else and leaves her behind.
Geez James, you’re a bit special aren’t you? No way would a healthy person stay in such an unhealthy relationship; you’ve reinvented history probably. Typical of men, have to find a crutch to leave- namely a cheater too. By the way, your ex wanted sex, just not with you. Your “shrew” ex? Just to you I bet, because every time she sees you or hears your voice she’s remembering what a fool she was for being married to you at all.
Special? I’m no more special than women who stay for years in an abusive relationship. I don’t know what you think you know about relationships but, yes, healthy people do stay in unhealthy relationships. They stay because they hope there will be change. Nina, you’re an offensive woman, much like the woman I was married to. I’m going to guess that your husband left you and, based on your comment, I think I know why.
Nina, you said EXACTLY what I was thinking. High five. I have a husband just like this guy. WHEN, not if, he screws around again then leaves me, the joke is on him. I’M the one who will be FREE. Whoever he leaves me for gets….a cheater. BIG prize. Kind of like winning a rotten chicken.
James, couldn’t agree with you more. If a wife is going to be cruel and condescending then more fool her when he is loved and respected by another.
The difference with woman such as myself is that I’m highly independent, educated I take care of myself and I am refined.
I can have the choice of any male I want as I’m never short if admirers.
Affairs don’t ruin marriages being devalued and unappreciated is what ruins marriages. Another thing for the women that use there children as porns so there husband’s won’t leave……shame on you……..it will only make them hate you!!
I have sooooo much to add!
Don’t agree. We see all the flaws. Love them anyway. We know it’s difficult and expensive to leave. And the turmoil seems to last forever. So wives…..don’t let e to yourself. He doesn’t love you.
Carhy, according to research, only 3-5% of affairs turn into long-term relationships or go onto marriage. That “we” you used is a huge generalization. Just because something worked out a certain way for you doesn’t mean it does for everyone. In fact, if you did end up in a lifelong, difficult situation, you are in the minority.
“When we marry the romantic love that led us to the decision to marry falls prey to daily stressors that either promote committed love or reveals that the “love” was nothing but infatuation that can’t survive the reality of daily life.”
What a complete load of rubbish…this article is so biased it’s embarrassing.
I am a professional female who has been a single mother for over 10 years; surviving the “stressors of daily life” on my own after my ex husband had an affair…. (and married the other woman; they have been together longer than we were married!)
Every married man I have come across (in friendship groups) who had an affair has married their mistress and are all still happily married… you didn’t say…..
I finally fell in love after years of sacrificing my social life to bring up my children…. but sadly the relationship can no longer continue (after 2 years) because he is married and our “infatution” and “fantasy” has turned into REAL LOVE yes it’s REAL!. So I have cut contact so he can work on his marriage. If they can’t succeed and they divorce, we may be able to love freely but I am all too familiar with the scenario of men feeling trapped in marriages; children; money; house etc. so there is a high possibility he’ll stay in a mundane marriage and support his wife and children (because he isn’t entitled to be happy?) but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have real love for me….. I am not so shallow that I fantasise….. I know the situation and I’m letting him go but I’m sacrificing the love of my life just because society and people like you have made a judgment! He hasn’t murdered anyone; he changed and deserves to have a happy life
How dare you label every extra marital relationship by patronising the other woman and married man as if they can’t have proper feelings for each other.
Being married does not give you the monopoly on love ; more than half of married couples today are miserable and are only staying in the marriage for convenience or cost… there are ample stats to substantiate this.
Married couples once started as “dating” couples in case no one knew this!…. and went through exactly the same infatuation, romance, time limited rendevoux and everything else which drives two people to fall in love. When did we last see articles telling us that dating isn’t real and doesn’t end in love and marriage because the couple don’t endure the real stresses of daily life and only have sporadic rendevoux???
Honestly are you people for real?
I am perfectly intelligent enough to know what commitment means. I also know what love means. This article is manipulating people and is a disgusting judgement of those who are simply falling in love. Love is not wrong and most affairs are not planned.
People cheat because they are unhappy….. people leave committed jobs because they’re unhappy… people change and sadly so has society…. we have but one life and I’ll be sure to live it without listening to the single minded judgment of people who think they can tell people how to live their lives
Commitment takes both people
If one spouse is unhappy, it’s because the other has backed off their own commitment in some way…so infidelity is often a reaction to that, not an impulse. I have every right to this opinion because I’ve been on both sides…. and after meeting my married man I finally realised and accepted why my own husband left our marriage….it healed many years of confusion and bitterness…. I understood the extent of the feelings he must have had for the other woman and why he couldn’t possibly stay with me. It destroyed me at the time, but on reflection that was more about his handling of the whole situation… the lies etc. rather than the actual event.
My children have grown into well rounded, well mannered, kind and healthy teenagers without their father being around. This is because of MY COMMITMENT to their wellbeing and to the protection I gave them through my divorce. Separation and divorce is not a deadly sin and does not harm children….. parents behaviour harms children. The most important thing we can ever teach our children is to love and to be happy. Staying in unhappy marriages does the opposite
Get real
Davinia, your opinion on the matter is rendered null and void by the fact that you are in a relationship with a married man. You aren’t able to be objective when it comes to the situation. I would expect you to do nothing but defend the “love” you two have for each other. Come back and leave a comment when he has mended his relationship with his wife, or has found another woman to cheat on her with. You’ll be singing another tune then.
I’ve been where you are, sang the same song you are singing. I’m not longer with him but he is still married and still cheating on her, just not with me any longer.
Davania I totally agree with you! My husband cheated on me, but I just accepted it for what it was and got divorced. He wasn’t happy. Who was I to tell him how he felt or didn’t feel?
Leslie, you have no right to null and void someone’s opinion. Especially, since she understands both sides. Really? Who do think you are? The judge and jury over love? Pfft! Grow up!
There’s some pretty selfish and cruel people in this world. Equally made up of both sexes, they pretend to be someone they are not until safely after the honeymoon. Sometimes, it’s very difficult to get out of such relationships after being beaten down emotionally. Sometimes, they need another to come along and make them feel whole again to give them the strength to finally leave.
Also, people grow and change. Time changes everything and everyone. People fall out of love and in love with someone else.
We all go through heartbreak and loss. It’s life. It’s how we learn and grow. Quit diminishing others feelings to make your own misery wallowing feel acceptable. Belittling others to make yourself feel better is so very wrong!
No, I’ve not cheated with or on anyone. I’ve only been cheated on. I’m just emotionally mature enough to not be so damn selfish.
Davinia that was a low blow disrespectful to oneself and disloyal to even step into that other side. No matter what cheating is wrong and is a cowardly way of dealing with the true underlying issues with oneself and within the marriage. It is pure lack of self control morals and self respect. Yes men who leave their wives for affair partners have little success and 80% chance of divorce. You can’t rob Peter to pay Paul and think it’s gonna end up like a new fairytale. Each marriage poses its own issues even with a new partner. And you will reap what you sow proven fact. Consequences will happen for your actions. I think based on your feedback and responses you are a narcissist or sociopath by your statements that are all not logical to true facts in society and the phsychological world of mental health issues. Your statements are reflective of th opposite of truth and are defensive statements.
you will reap what you sow? interesting how all you bitter demons attacking Davinia have either been left or destroyed. we have all been left while in the dating stage and then have moved on and found someone to marry. why is it not as bad to leave someone you were dating, to find someone better? you need to step back and think.
Steve, are you serious? If you are, you’re a special kind of moron. I dated a lot of men. I left some, they left me. You know what the difference is…we were only DATING. I had NO investment in those relationships. I invested 23 years in my relationship with my husband during my marriage. We had 2 children together. Children he watched and participated in when I gave birth. We built 3 homes together. We moved 4 times due to his career. We planned our retirement, took vacations, went to our children’s school functions. I nursed him back from stage 3 cancer.
I had a history with him that I didn’t have with men I dated. Two days before he left for the other woman who he couldn’t live without he told me he loved me and couldn’t imagine his life without me. If you don’t understand the difference in the level of trauma experienced in breaking up with someone you’re dating and divorcing someone you’re married to, I feel sorry for any woman who has or may attach themselves to you.
Oh, and that other woman he couldn’t live without, it only took him 18 months to come begging me to take him back. It was too late by then. Men are notorious for throwing away their lives because their pecker gets hard. They are also notorious for whining like little bitches when they aren’t forgiven for their bad behavior. Us “bitter demons” are finally no longer in a position of having to take a man’s b#llsh*t and that doesn’t sit well with most of you. Now, take your ignorance elsewhere.
Davinia: I couldn’t agree with you more! I don’t know who these narrow minded, obviously delusional, people are that are making such rude comments to you. Maybe someday they will understand exactly what you are saying. People can really love each other no matter what the circumstances are. Love is an emotion not a piece of paper!!! Just because you married someone doesn’t mean it will last forever!! That’s a piece of paper not an emotion!!!
Best of luck to you girl. I get the feeling things will work out for you very soon!
Thank you for understanding
I continue to respect all those women who are “happy” in their relationships however I know from many married friends and colleagues theres an issue of attachment and “”comfort” keeping them together. Loads of them no longer have sex and passion isn’t even a word they understand anymore!
I’d rather have two days of deep love and passion than a lifetime of mundane same ……
I’m nearly 50
I’m not a teenage girl with an infatuation… and anyone who insults that, is hiding a fear that it could be their husband…. I know because I used to think that way after my ex husband fell in love with another woman.
I then found a love that is deeper than anything I’ve ever had… I can’t be with him but I miss him every hour of every day even after 6 months the pain is as raw…and yet I just keep going and live my life… it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or false so please people respect that ..
In the same situation, people do fall in love as simple as that! No judgement here!
On the four things to remember, the fourth one: whether your marriage survives, depends on what kind of an affair? Please explain this to me and the different affairs.
(Cheating, affair, adultry, infedility) is wrong and destructive. There can be no excuses for this horrble behavior. A cheating spouse will lie to the other party to gain sympathy and avoid judgement so you both can feel good about your actions. Neither of the cheaters are concerned with the married spouse, the children, the years of love and laughter that obviously got them this far. I wish we could bring back criminal charges for adultery.
I cheated on my wife many time she thinks it’s only been one time
Are you bragging or just stating a fact? She will find out one day and when she leaves and files for divorce, I’m sure you’ll blame her for destroying the marriage. By the way, I have all the information I need about you to be able to find your wife, send her a screenshot of this comment and enlighten her to your sickening behavior. Might just have to take the time to do that.
Her name is Tiffany, right?
Why? I’d like to hear the other side. What is it that you are missing in your marriage that makes you seek out other women?
Wow!!! You have such a bea soul
Know is perfect.
My husband is having an affair. Someone told me and he is denying it. I want a divorce and I don’t know how to go about it.
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