The same man who lovingly held me during our vacation and told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me now wanted everyone to believe I was a screaming, crazy shrew who had driven him away.
Have you been there? The dutiful husband who one day decides he wants a divorce. Out of the blue, he wants out and, after years of a loving marriage, you are the root of all evil in his life.
In my work as a marital therapist, I’d heard the stories for years from women. They’d all been caught completely and totally by surprise when their husbands shared his unhappiness and desire for a divorce. Life had changed on a dime for these women who thought their marriages were loving and happy.
I heard it all…
“He says he hasn’t loved me for years.”
He has turned into someone I don’t even know.”
He refuses to look or speak to me.”
He moved out overnight with no explanation.”
He told me I was crazy!”
I heard stories of men who no longer saw their children. Men who spread lies about their wives and tried to drag her name through the mud. Outrageous stories!
And, I admit, I was skeptical. These women were so overwrought with emotions I was certain they were seeing the situation through tainted lenses. No one, I thought does divorce that way. No one suddenly becomes evil after years of a loving relationship. No one wakes up one day and throws away a wife and family.
I thought these women, destroyed and emotionally devastated were over-reacting until, that is, it happened to me.
I was an educated professional, had worked in the field of marriage and family therapy for years but doubted other women’s stories until I myself was put in the same position. I can tell you, I no longer doubt stories I hear from clients!
My ex and I had taken the family on vacation to Bermuda. We spent 10 days having an absolutely lovely time. We spent our days with the children sight-seeing and playing on the beach. Our evenings were spent having romantic dinners and some of the best sex of our marriage.
One evening we had a long conversation while lying in each other’s arms about our future. We talked about our five-year and ten-year plan. The traveling we would do when the children were grown and gone. He told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me in it.
Three days after we returned from our vacation I picked up the kids at their after-school program on my way home from work. We walked into our home and he was gone. He and everything he considered his was gone. His closet was empty, his office was empty, there was no proof he had ever lived in the home.
He left no note with an explanation. I was in a panic, the children were crying and, for all I knew, he and his belongings had been swallowed up by the earth. It was 3 weeks later that I received an email from him.
In the interim, he had talked to my mother, my sister, and our children’s teachers and school counselor. He told people that I was an irrational person. A control freak who went “crazy” if I didn’t get my way. He told them he had left in order to “save his sanity.” He basically said the same to me in his email.
The same man who lovingly held me during our vacation and told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me now wanted everyone to believe I was a screaming, crazy shrew who had driven him away.
For a moment or two, I bought into what he said.
That’s what we women do, look inward, and take responsibility first. It takes us time to put on the brakes and say, “wait a minute, I’m not the one who snuck away in the middle of the day with no notice. I’m not the one who hasn’t spoken to his children in weeks.
I’m not the damn crazy one in this scenario.”
It took me months to be able to send him an email, one outlining in numerical order reasons I wasn’t the crazy one, he was.
Below is what I said to the man who thought he could get away with gaslighting me.
1. Only a crazy man with no balls would move out of the marital home in the middle of the day with no notice to his wife and children. I know now that you’ve spent years avoiding conflict and in doing so damaged yourself and any chance our marriage had of succeeding. That crazy is for you to live with not me!
2. Only a crazy man would believe that it is acceptable behavior to involve people at his children’s school in the problems in his marriage. You are FUCKING insane for humiliating your own children in such a manner. YOU used your children to cover your ass with no regard for what it would mean for them. You bastard!
3. Only a crazy man would file for a divorce, in that divorce filing ask that your wife and children be removed from the marital home. And, that no child support be paid. You literally wanted us out on the street with nowhere to live. That isn’t only crazy, it’s evil as hell.
4. Only a crazy man would file for divorce on the grounds of domestic abuse and give as an example of such abuse, “She called me a moron one time.” Are you serious? I’m sure your attorney thought you were a moron! And, just so you know, you have turned out to be one crazy, fucking moron.
5. Only a crazy man would start a blog, name it “Crazy Ex-Wife” and post blog after blog filled with lies to justify you abandoning your family. And then share your posts on your Facebook account. What in the hell is wrong with you?!? You’re a 42-year-old man with a Master’s degree in engineering. You’re not a 15-year-old girl out for revenge. Or, maybe the crazy has caused you to emotionally regress and the lack of testosterone due to your midlife crisis caused estrogen to surge through your body. Whatever prompted that idiocy, turned you into a FOOL.
6. Only a crazy man who yelled at his children that their mother is a cunt and a whore. You hadn’t seen your children in 3 months and took that opportunity to spew your venom at me, in front of them. And now you blame me because they are angry with you. Like I said…only a crazy man.
7. Only a crazy man would call me 18 months later begging to come home again. To allow that to happen would be full proof that I was, indeed, also crazy. Never in a million years! I now know who you are and why would any sane woman put herself in the position of being belittled, dismissed, and hurt by you again?
During my work as a therapist, I’ve learned that if a spouse experiences a midlife crisis they will do startling and, at times hurtful things to a spouse. Most men don’t, however, go off the wall crazy as mine did. When and if they do, there is no recovery for the marriage.
It can be hard to process who someone you love turns into someone you no longer know. But process it, you must do and, in my expert opinion, have enough regard for yourself, your children and your value to never put trust in that husband and father again
One more thing, don’t write and send an email like the one above until you are 100% sure you’re finished with him and the marriage.
FAQs on Husbands Who Change Overnight:
Do husbands change overnight and seek divorce?
Many men change overnight and seek divorce without assigning their wives a reason for the sudden change. Many women were caught on the hop after their husbands told them that they wanted divorce because of one or the other reason.
Should women blame themselves if husbands run away?
Women should not blame themselves when their husbands leave and seek divorce. Unable to find reasons for their husbands’ attitudes, women look inward and blame themselves. They should know that they are not to blame themselves for what their husbands have done to them and their children by leaving them without giving a reason.
What sort of a man runs away from his family?
Only a coward would run away from his home, wife and children without giving them any notice.
What kind of a man wants his wife and children out of the marital home?
Only mad men would want to drive their families out of the marital home after filing for divorce. Some men would go a step further and refuse to pay child support.
Do men seek divorce because of midlife crisis?
Men do seek divorce because of midlife crises. Unable to deal with their own issues, men blame women for their woes and think only divorce would set them free.
I would love to hear that you and children got the house, and support and the lion’s share of whatever assets. I would love to hear that not only your children’s school but your family as well as his didn’t believe a word. I would love to hear that the person he left the marriage for (because believe me no POS like your ex just popped up one day and left) kicked his butt out, thus the crawling back. I am sad for the kids knowing their father is so disgusting, but you as a therapist knows that you must do everything you can to assure he has minimum influence with them going forward. Sperm does not make a real father.
I am living this reality right now. It’s been a year of incredible pain as the man I trusted my heart with turned on me with his full vengeance. I have been slandered to all our friends../ family and blamed for every problem in the marriage. While he gets to be the helpless victim. I thought I was going crazy, but now I know it’s not about me at all. Its about him and his inability to examine himself and take ownership for his flaws and weaknesses.
I am getting stronger and standing on my own two feet, but I’m not ready to end the marriage. I still want things to work out. But at the same time knowing that I cannot live with this behaviour. So here I sit in limbo. How will I know when it’s time to call it?
Pam stay strong. Your reaction of wanting to stay is fear based. You are worth being with someone who loves you fully and doesn’t blame you. Your heart knows what you need to do.
The same has happened to me – almost exactly as Jolie has described except without the nasty language in front of the kids. It’s comforting to know that other women have seen this astounding behavior, as you simply cannot believe it when it’s happening to you. You feel as though someone possessed your husband and dropped you both into the Twilight Zone. But I agree that the only thing to do is divorce and deal with your PTSD and, in my case, keep teaching your children (esp. if you have boys) that this behavior is unacceptable and just plain not an option in life. Strength to you, girls! I’m rooting for you and believe that we all need some help and analysis to deal with such a shock. I hope you are getting some.
Very insightful and courageous writing . I would love to read what the response was from your ex after sending that very detailed narrative of the real life you lived….. what happened and how you have coped ? it’s empowering knowing so many other women have similar experiences and have found the strength to move forward
I too went through something similar. 2 years later and I still have trust issues. No wonder why. I have a gut feeling my current relationship will have a venomous ending too.
Me too….8 years removed now. I found support in a local divorce support group where I met a man going thru the same on the flip side. I happily call him husband now and we created a beautiful blended family of 6, married for 5 years! We still both struggle PTSD from our previous marriages at different times. There will always be times were I am searching for the “why” answers, and longing for an apology that will never come, but all that filters down into acceptance of the situation and thankful for the life lessons it provided. It has taken me a LONG time to reach this point, and happy the more thankful, happier, and wiser me has been created. As crazy as it sounds, there is beauty in the breaking, it takes awhile to see it but it’s there and what it creates.
Not to take away any validity nor integrity from all these women’s stories, but the opposite also happens to men, in a similar fashion. It happened to me on a smaller scale, but as a facilitator of a Divorce Recovery group, I’ve heard the stories from both men and women about the crazy making. Some do seem so abhorrent and unbelievable, but true.
Indeed, women are capable of the same abhorrent and unbelievable behaviour. I have divorced a woman, have been through hell and back and have attended a series of Divorce Care Recovery support group sessions. I will be facilitating in the near future and will offering Narcissistic Abuse Recovery program. There is no shame in sharing your stories, it may be another person’s survival. Thank you for sharing.
So good to know I’m not alone. And it’s cathartic just to read your response email to him.
May be able to record mine upcoming conversations with him, but not take notes. He’s fairly paranoid too. There isn’t a minute of kindness from his lips toward me now and I wonder how his brain doesn’t explode from the hatred. Knowing what I know now about his Narc Personality Disorder offers me a chance to slyly observe his behavior with a different mindset and its entertaining as long as my daughter isn’t around to be harmed by his criticisms, insults, yelling curses, bigotry, misogyny, and downright wicked thinking.