Dear Absent Fathers,
Your children don’t have the ability to articulate their feelings and as someone who was abandoned by her father, I’m here as their voice. This letter is not written to shame you, it’s written out of love. A love from a daughter to her father that doesn’t even know her.
I’m writing to let you know that your children still need you. Perhaps you’ve moved on to a new family or to a new life. Maybe you feel that your children have got a good mother and you’re thinking to yourself, “She’ll take care of them. They don’t need me.” Maybe in some way you have justified that moving on and leaving them with their mother, perhaps even a new stepfather, would be better for your children.
Well, you’re wrong. Your children DO need you.
And they always will. My father abandoned my sister and me as preschoolers. We saw him on and off for a few years. A few hours here and there over the years. Just like approximately thirty percent of children of divorce, my parents’ separation meant a permanent separation between us and our Father. Now, as an adult woman who hasn’t seen her father in over 25 years, there’s still an emptiness in my heart.
Like the other three in ten children of fathers who abandoned their children, I contemplated suicide as a young person. I questioned whether I was worthy of love. Deep rooted feelings of unworthiness and doubts still haunt me from my childhood. If my own father doesn’t love me, how could another man? I pray that your children will never question the love you have for them or whether they are worthy of love at all.
Perhaps your ex-wife is making things difficult. She hates you and she’s poisoning your children against you. She tells you that the children hate you and don’t want to see you. You don’t want to deal with the drama and the negativity. Deal with it. Your children are worth it. They want you to fight for them. If dealing with their horrible mother is the price to pay for spending time with them, then, dammit, they are worth it. In the long run, when you have a rewarding relationship with your children, you’ll be glad you endured.
Maybe somewhere in your head, you’ve rationalized that your children are better off without you.
But when the dust settles and the divorce is behind you, your children will still love their father and seek love from you. Right now, they may be lashing out. They feel the anger and the bitterness of divorce-only they lack the tools and maturity to understand it. Be patient. It may take time for them to come around. Be there for them when they mature enough that they are ready for a relationship with you.
Stay open and available to them. Let the barbs and stings that they throw at you make you stronger for them. If you give up and allow the negativity to win, your children will lose. They’ll wonder why you didn’t fight for them. Always reach out and say that you are there for them when they are ready.
Find the support and resources you need to navigate this process. Help is out there. If you want to build your relationship with your children, find a counselor or a divorce coach to support you through the process. Do what is needed, sacrifice your ego, and find your way to them. Give your children the unconditional love of a father. You’ll never regret it.
This goes for divorced Mom’s that abandoned their children after divorce as well. My kids are in a lot of pain with their mom not around.
There’s also those Dads who remarry and abandon their first wife and child only to resign them to a life of poverty and suffering while they live it up in their new role … I cannot count on one hand how many times we went to bed hungry and how we sat in the dark bc I couldn’t pay the light bill … then they alienate mother from child and sue in court and win bc they have money power and resources the first SAHM didn’t have bc the father left her with an empty bank account and absolutely no resources to survive on … there’s many sides and layers to the stories of divorce so don’t judge a book by its cover … there’s usually way more to the story and it usually involves a meddling mother in law who wants control and the reins back …
Very true, and very saddening. I am a 45 year old man who’s father left him and his mother when he was 2 years old.
I only met the guy when I was 20 years old, and by then he had was remarried with another family who’s very much disliked me, and refused to accept me. My mother and I lived a life of struggle.
These guys are nothing but coward scum.
Honestly, I am so sick of mothers who blame there ex’s for leaving. If he was involved before the divorce and he is not now; then I would say 9 out of 10 times the mother has more to do with it than she is willing to admit and telling men to “deal with it” is very nieve. Heads up, I do not care if he screwed everything in sight, if he was a good father then it is something YOU have to deal with. Everyone deserves healing; not just the children. When men are marginalized from there childrens life and want to be fathers, is it any surprise they move on to new families? It is part of the healing process. Dealing with a bitter controlling ex and children who could careless if you are involved or mothers who want complete control of everything, including the type of relationship you have with your kids or parenting choices becomes draining. The path of least resistances becomes easier and guess which family they decide they want to spend time with?
For the men who move on with there life and choose to happiness after there world has been torn apart; this is no easy task. They should not be condemned, they picked up and moved on. Again, I am speaking to men who were involved. If you are a mother who is angry or disappointed your children do not have a father; take a very hard look in mirror and figure out what it is about YOU that made a loving father leave without a trace. Once you have this figured out, be a woman, apologize for whatever YOU did, let go of whatever he did to you, and figure out away to make him feel need. If you love your children you will do any and everything to influence the father of your children to come back. Maybe even talk to your children about this too, let them know sometimes when people are hurt they leave. If they want there father around they need to appreciate the time he gives them. Never allow your children to do things that make their father not want to be around them, because one day they will become adults. They need love and good social skills to make through life. Don’t let them do things that would sabotage this.
That is the best comment i have ever heard relating to this topic. It always amazes me the support that mom’s/ wives get even after they threw in the towel and initiated the divorce. My ex moved 2 1/2 hours away from me, will not ever drive to meet me halfway to see the kids and …….. she does everything she can to make it hard on me but then blames me for the awkward relationships i have with my kids. I was set up as a sperm donor from the beginning and once my kids came along, i was no longer useful
How about if your ex wife hooks up with you best friend and neighbor? I have been traing to live in the same town for my 3 small children but it is just crap. The constant reminders, the kids confused. I am a mess 3 years later. I think more and more that I should just move away from all the misery in my face and make my ex deal with the situation she created. I need to get away from the memories and emptiness around me. Find a new place on this pkanet that feels like home. People suck. That’s what this whole thing has taught me.
Fairly consistently I have witnessed when fathers try to stay engaged with their children there is conflict, usually resulting in the mother alienating the father in one form or another. This has significant, lifelong negative effects on the children. I have seen this more times than I care to count and believe it to be the norm rather than the exception. Custodial parents in many states also have the presumptive right to move, thereby legally allowing the custodial parent to remove the visiting parent from the lives of their children at will. I often question whether it is best to subject children to a life of constant conflict, where in the end they will blame both parents for their miserable childhood or the consequences when the father walks away. While the latter is the most difficult, I feel that moving on is perhaps the best course of action. Yes, it is not an ideal outcome. The laws and courts generally do not encourage father’s involvement and the father will save a fortune in legal fees hoping that someone will advocate on their behalf when alienation activities occur. The courts often award the custodial parent legal fees and often do not punish poor behavior because punishment ultimately impacts the children. Consequently, father’s have no enforceable rights which is secretly known but not shared among legal professionals.
You’re making some VERY broad sweeping states, Steve. Let me correct you…50/50 custody is the standard in most states so your assertion that courts don’t encourage a father’s involvement in their children’s lives in a false narrative. If fathers CHOOSE not to engage in 50/50 custody it isn’t the court’s job or anyone else to hold his hand and teach him to parent his children. Over 90% of states require the permission of the non-custodial parent before the custodial parent can move out of state. Another false narrative you are spreading.
Parental Alienation only happens in 11 percent of divorces so, if you’ve seen it more times that you can count, I have to wonder what kind of circles you are running in. Have you actually seen it or, have you heard it from men online who abandoned their children and blame their ex? My ex has no relationship with our children. In spite of the fact that he has been begged by myself, my sister, my mother and his children, he has chosen to ignore them and the fact that he is their father. You know what he tells people…that I alienated them. The man who needs sends a birthday card, Christmas gift or makes a phone call to his kids saves face by blaming the fact that he abandoned his children on me.
He “moved on” and left 2 boys to deal with, for the rest of their lives, the emotional fallout that comes with parental abandonment. You damned straight it’s not an ideal outcome. Father’s have enforceable rights, they just choose not to pursue those rights. And why should they when they can walk away and blame their bad behavior on someone else.
Seventy-two percent of men give up custody rights before a divorce case even goes to trial. That means that 72 percent of men settle for every other weekend visitation with their children and then they whine about not having rights. When it comes to raising children women have always done the heavy lifting and men like it that way. They don’t want the day-to-day responsibility of raising their children. They want minimal time with them but want everyone to view them as their child’s saving grace. Men can’t have it both ways. Eighter take 50 percent of custody or shut up and grow up and admit to yourself and your other whining buddies that you’re leaving the raising of your children to a mother who doesn’t deserve anything but the respect she is owed.
FIRST, let’s start by your claim that 90% of states require the “permission” of the non-custodial parent prior to relocation. A more accurate statement is that the non-custodial parent has the right to contest the relocation in a hearing. When the custodial parent argues the virtues of relocation is a better paying job, a new relationship, being surrounded by additional family, or more stable housing while a non-custodial parent argues loss of time with their children, what guidance should the courts use to decide? The guidance that most courts use is a presumptive right to relocate. This means that there needs to be clear harm to the children in relocation and the burden of proof is on the non-custodial parent. Furthermore, in a contested relocation the non-custodial parent is the moving party (aka filing the legal motion) and they are liable for not only their attorney fees but potentially the custodial parent’s attorney fees if hardship can be proven. Because of the heavy burden imposed by child support, there is often little financial resources to even consider mounting a legal contest to relocation. In the state where I reside, in most circumstances ethical attorneys advise to not even bother contesting a relocation.
SECOND, I would be interested in seeing citations regarding Parental Alienation. Since Parental Alienation is difficult to prove, that number seems a bit high. Example; when mom tells her children that dad is “abusive”, “manipulative”, “doesn’t care about you”, or is “trying to hurt me” is that alienation? When mom tells her children they don’t have to follow dad’s household rules, is that alienation? What if mom plans events for children during dad’s time, forcing children to either choose the event or be with dad? But let’s say, for arguments sake that alienation can be proved. What should the courts do about it? The courts do not want to disrupt the children, so they are hesitant to either impose fines or alter the Parenting Plan. If the moving party cannot prove alienation, then they are liable for both attorney fees. There is little incentive for non-custodial parents to file a motion if parental alienation exists. Likewise there are few non-custodial parents who have the financial means to even file such a motion. Some courts have financial assistance for those in need, but the majority of that is for women and not men.
THIRD, please share the citation that most states default to 50/50 parenting and 72% of men settle for every-other-weekend. But let’s assume that these statistics are accurate; we know A) father’s care enough about their children to engage with their children every-other-weekend, and B) there must be a reason for choosing every other weekend when they could have 50/50 parenting. Because these fathers are at least choosing every-other-weekend means that your assertion that these men are “abandoning their children” is quite simply false.
LASTLY, seek first to understand. Consider a more telling statistic; men are >3.5 times more likely to commit suicide then women. That means for every 2 women who commit suicide there are 7 men who do. That majority of that cohort is middle aged white men. That should be a telling statistic considering that your ex-husband probably fits into this cohort. Maybe you are right, men “just like to whine”.
The statement below tells me that you are spouting opinions not facts.
“Furthermore, in a contested relocation the non-custodial parent is the moving party (aka filing the legal motion) and they are liable for not only their attorney fees but potentially the custodial parent’s attorney fees if hardship can be proven.”
A non-custodial parent doesn’t have to petition the court to relocate. Only a custodial parent would have to do that since they would be relocating with the child. A non-custodial parent can move anywhere they wish at any time with permission from no one. Anyone who knows anything about divorce law knows that.
The rest of your comment is nothing more than conjecture by you without the legal knowledge to back it up. I’ve worked in the divorce industry for 15 years as a legal investigator and divorce consultant. In that time I’ve worked with at least 2 dozen family law attorneys and 100s of clients going through the divorce process. Come back and share with us when what you have to share is based on fact and not just your skewed opinions.
What a bullshit article that is fundamentally myopic and blind to the challenges men face post-divorce. Most men who leave don’t do so because they don’t want to be around their children. If you divorce a narcissist or someone with a cluster b personality disorder, sometimes the only way to avoid further legal issues, including the loss of freedom and/or money in a family court system that heavily favors women is to walk away, either temporarily or permanently. The system needs to be reformed; I do agree that it is the children who are hurt in a way that it isn’t fair and that creates lifelong issues.
What does facing challenges during divorce have to do with men abandoning their children? I faced challenges during, and after divorce. It never once entered my head to abandon my children. Although I don’t agree with your assertion that the family court favors women, so what? What if it does favor women. Why is that a reason for men abandoning their children? And, if men are abandoning their children because of some ex who has a cluster b personality disorder what does that say about a man and the love he had for those children? Parents who are decent and put their children first don’t abandon them. They don’t neglect their children no matter what they’ve been through or who they have to deal with. If that were true, I’d have left mine long, long ago.
OK, there are a lot of different anecdotal stories out there. I” tell you mine. My father was manic depressive and flat out dangerous. Despite being beat up by him she stayed with him ‘for the sake of the children.’ A really stupid idea that has resulted in 3 children, all now adults, with mental issues due to never knowing what my father was going to do next. Mom only sort of kicked my father to the curb after all 3 children, in the same week and without co-coordinating, told her my Dad needed to be gone. She finally divorced him, and then allowed him to still hang around the house. He finally beat her up so badly the cops were called, who did precisely nothing as I am guessing my mother did not want to press charges. He had bust up furniture and destroyed belongings of hers. And of course he was drunk.
I decided the last thing I wanted to do was to repeat his pattern of behavior with my family, and I have not. But I married someone who has a flash temper which just brings up all my memories of my father. Well the kids are now grown, and I have good relationships with both of them. But I am at the point that if my wife doesn’t learn to back off I’ll file for divorce. My view is we should have been partners, not married. Marriage locked me into having to deal with her whether I wanted to or not. Several times I spent nights in hotels just so I would not have to deal with my wife. So I really do not want to hear that every father is a louse and the wife is soaked in virtue. Anyone else I may choose to get involved with I will not be marrying, although I will be looking for a long term and stable relationship. And no, I do not want to pretend to be a father to any woman’s children. I’ll act as a hopefully stable adult influence, but in my 60s I am not ever going through the diaper/toddler/teen/attending university stages again. I like children very much, but I do not want to deal with their ‘issues’. I might mention that I am not American by birth nor inclination – so some whiny child coming up to me saying I’m supposed to buy them something is going to be sadly disappointed. Do something in the way of cleaning the house and we may have a meeting of minds. That is part of how to raise responsible adults rather than Karens and Kens.
My dad ventured off to Hawaii to live the good life/produce two more children/and gave me and my siblings ‘nothing’. Years later he came back/he meant nothing to me but my siblings were kind to him. Sadly history repeated itself with my children’s father calling every 3-4 years at the most/never paying a dime support to help with their needs and disobeying the court order/the legal system did nothing to enforce it. We survived by my hard work and the kindness of their material grandmother but it was rough beyond measure. There has to be a special place in hell for any parent who abandons their own children.