Tis the season to be grateful, and sometimes we find blessings in the most unusual ways.
My divorce was a High-Conflict nightmare. But, the one thing I wasn’t expecting were the valuable lessons I learned along the way.
Turns out, divorce can actually present us with an opportunity to look inward, challenge our most staunch beliefs and shift some of our paradigms. One of the greatest lessons I learned was:
Money can’t replace Love and Expensive fancy things do not guarantee Happiness!
Let me explain.
I was raised in middle-class suburbia. My family wasn’t rich or poor. But I admit, I always thought RICH people, who could afford very expensive fancy things, must be “happy”.
When my husband and I were married in our very early twenties, we basically had nothing except a bunch of “hand-me-down-things” and the hope our college educations would help us get good jobs with good salaries. And as our income began to slowly rise, we did begin to gradually replace our “hand-me-down-things” with expensive fancy things.
Our finances were improving faster than either of us had expected. And before long, with the help of Reaganomics and a little luck, including some high yielding stock options… we were (what most people would consider) Rich.
Around 15+ years into our marriage…
We had three kids, a brand-new McMansion (with a small staff employed to help care for it inside & out), a Country Club membership, 2 very fancy luxury cars, a beautiful 5-bedroom Lake House and far more toys, expensive jewelry & clothes than we needed. Our kids had every ”thing” they wanted too. We traveled extensively and even had a couple million in the bank.
I’m sure we looked very happy on the outside.
But, as we were busy acquiring such luxurious abundance in our lives. I was surprised to feel increasingly empty on the inside.
The truth was, our marriage was a sham. My husband was obsessed with his financial success, corporate executive status, and physical appearance. He spent far more time at the gym than I ever did. And he definitely spent much more money on his face creams, beauty & health supplements and tanning than I could even imagine.
And, the worst part was his incapability of being genuinely present & loving in a relationship.
His time at the gym, his job and business trips ALWAYS took priority over his family. He had the ability to be laser-focused on his latest obsession or project (whatever that might be) at the expense of showing any genuine interest or attention to me or the kids.
UNLESS!
Unless the kids or I provided something he could covertly brag about. It was as if we were simply shinny little tokens in his trophies case which he only paid attention to if it somehow benefited him… enhanced his smug boasting or elevated his self-esteem.
If I ever complained or criticized his behavior, he accused me of attacking him.
He also absolved himself of any guilt by reminding me of how lucky the kids and I were to have such luxurious abundance in our lives and he clearly proclaimed, “I had absolutely nothing to complain about because I had everyTHING I wanted”.
I drank the Kool-Aid for quite a while and tried to accept his self-absorbed behavior, his sense of entitlement and superiority. Afterall… How could I possibly be unhappy?? I must be so ungrateful?? (Even though our “Family” was just a sham). What More Could I Want??
Eventually, it became harder and harder to tolerate the extreme physical and emotional neglect and most of all the absence of a true life partner. I was literally a single parent to our three children and made extra sure to shower them with infinite love, affection, and attention… to cover-up for the fact they had an emotionally vacant father.
And then one day, on an extravagant family vacation in Cancun as my husband and I were having a cool drink at The Ritz-Carlton I told him: I NEEDED A HUSBAND and The Children NEEDED A FATHER!!
I begged him to cut back on all the travel and assured him we had achieved enough financial security for him to finally put the focus on his family, and even explained the “THINGS” in our life meant nothing without nurturing, loving, genuine relationships.
But, my plea fell on deaf ears. He had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.
Things were never quite the same after that day and eventually, he asked for a divorce.
And, of course, ours wasn’t just your typical divorce.
Nope… It was hell, and even after it was final, he continued to manipulate the family court system trying to recoup any money (squeeze out every last penny) he believed he lost in the divorce agreement.
And this is when the magic of divorce happened for me.
It was incredibly painful, exhausting and expensive defending myself in the courts but EVENTUALLY! Eventually, what I knew deep in my heart became crystal clear.
His behavior during the marriage; during and after the divorce simply solidified the Truth:
Money can’t replace Love and Expensive fancy things do not guarantee Happiness!
Sometimes when an old belief system of ours is proven false, when it’s busted into pieces, we need to be careful of how we choose to replace it.
We may wonder if maybe the complete opposite belief might be true.
But, from personal experience following my divorce, I had the opportunity to discover the absence of money and “fancy” things does not necessarily guarantee a relationship will be genuine and loving either.
It was seriously life changing to ultimately confirm money and fancy things are all just things. And “things” have very little to do with creating genuine, loving relationships or happiness.
Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to have some fancy things.
BUT. But, there is no doubt without genuine Love these “things” are empty and meaningless. Above all, the MOST valuable fancy thing we can be lucky enough to have is Love. To give and receive Love.
It’s unfortunate my ex-husband never learned this valuable lesson. My kids said when he was filtering through women to date on those internet dating sites, his number one criteria was she had to be independently wealthy, and preferably own her own business or have a high ranking executive title at a successful company.
Could you imagine???
I actually feel really bad for the guy or maybe I should feel worse for the women he chose.
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