We may not realize that we’re feeling emotionally abandoned or that we did as a child. We may be unhappy, but can’t put our finger on what it is. People tend to think of abandonment as something physical, like neglect. They also may not realize that loss of physical closeness due to death, divorce, and illness is often felt as an emotional abandonment. However, emotional abandonment has nothing to do with proximity. It can happen when the other person is lying right beside us – when we can’t connect, and our emotional needs aren’t being met in the relationship.
Emotional Needs
Often we aren’t aware of our emotional needs and just feel that something’s missing. But we have many emotional needs in intimate relationships. They include the following needs:
- To be listened to and understood.
- To be nurtured
- To be appreciated
- To be valued
- To be accepted
- For affection
- For love
- For companionship
Consequently, if there is high conflict, abuse, addiction, or infidelity, these emotional needs go unmet. Sometimes, infidelity is a symptom of emotional abandonment in the relationship – by one or both partners. Additionally, addiction may be used to avoid closeness. If one partner is addicted, the other may feel neglected, because the addiction comes first and consumes the addict’s attention, preventing him or her from being present.
Causes of Emotional Abandonment
Yet even in a healthy relationship, there are periods, days, and even moments of emotional abandonment that may be caused by:
- Intentionally withholding communication or affection
- External stressors, including the demands of parenting
- Illness
- Conflicting work schedules
- Lack of mutual interests and time spent together
- Preoccupation and self-centeredness
- Lack of healthy communication
- Unresolved resentment
- Fear of intimacy
When couples don’t share common interests or work/sleep schedules, one or both may feel abandoned. They have to make an extra effort to spend time talking about their experiences and intimate feelings with each other to keep the relationship fresh and alive.
More harmful are unhealthy communication patterns that may have developed, where one or both partners doesn’t share openly, listen with respect, and respond with interest to the other. When we feel ignored or that our partner doesn’t understand or care about what we’re communicating, then there’s a chance that eventually we stop talking to him or her.
Walls begin to build and we can begin living separate lives emotionally. Signs are if we talk more to our friends or a relative than to our partner or are disinterested in sex or spending time together.
Resentments easily develop in relationships especially when hurt or anger isn’t expressed. As a result, we may either pull away emotionally, put up walls, or push our partner away with criticism or undermining comments. Unexpressed hurt and needs lead to more disappointment and resentment.
Denial or shame about our feelings and needs usually stems from emotional abandonment in childhood and can cause communication and intimacy problems. Usually, this fear isn’t conscious. In counseling, couples are able to talk about their ambivalence, which allows them to grow closer. Sometimes, abandoning behavior occurs after a period of closeness or sex. One partner may physically withdraw or create distance by not talking or even by talking too much. Either way, it may leave the other person feeling alone and abandoned.
Emotional Abandonment In Childhood
Good parenting provides children security that they’re loved and accepted for their unique self by both parents and that both parents want a relationship with them. Parental failure to validate their feelings and needs is a trauma of emotional abandonment. Often clients tell me that they felt that their family didn’t understand them, that they felt different from the rest of the family or like an outsider. What is being described is the trauma of invisibility.
This can also happen when parent-child interactions revolve around the parent, the child is serving the parent’s needs, instead of the other way around, which is a form of abandonment. Even if a parent says, “I love you,” the child may still not feel close and accepted for who he or she is as a separate individual, apart from the parent.
Emotional abandonment in childhood can happen in infancy if the primary caretaker, usually the mother, is unable to be present emotionally for her baby. It’s often because she’s replicating her own childhood experience, but it may also be due to stress or depression. It’s important for a baby’s emotional development that the mother attunes to her child’s feelings and needs and reflects them back.
She may be preoccupied, cold, or unable to empathize with her baby’s success or upsetting emotions. He or she then ends up feeling alone, rejected, or deflated. The reverse is also true – where a parent gives a child a lot of attention but isn’t attuned to what the child actually needs.
In addition to situations where a parent is physically absent or doesn’t share in parenting, abandonment happens later, too, when children are criticized, controlled, unfairly treated, or otherwise given a message that they or their experience is unimportant or wrong. Children are vulnerable, and it doesn’t take much for a child to feel hurt and “abandoned.” Abandonment can also occur when a parent confides in a child or expects him or her to take on age-inappropriate responsibilities. At those moments, the children must suppress their feelings and needs in order to meet the needs of the adult.
A few incidents of emotional abandonment don’t harm children’s healthy development, but when they’re common occurrences, they affect children’s sense of self and security and can cause internalized shame that leads to intimacy issues and codependency in adult relationships.
As adults, we may be emotionally unavailable or attracted to someone who is. We risk continuing a cycle of abandonment that replicates our abandoning relationships and be easily triggered to feel abandoned. For an in-depth examination of this process and how to heal, see Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.
FAQs about Emotional Abandonment:
Why am I unhappy in my relationship?
You feel unhappy in your relationship when you cannot connect to your partner and your emotional needs stand unfulfilled. Sometimes, you may not even know you are being emotionally neglected or this was the case in your childhood.
Is emotional abandonment physical neglect?
Physical neglect has nothing to do with emotional neglect as many people will believe or have you believe it. Many people feel they are experiencing emotional abandonment when they feel sad over the loss of a loved one because of death or divorce. You can be living or sleeping with your partner and still feel emotional abandonment.
How do I know if my emotional needs are being met in a relationship?
Your emotional state of health in a relationship relies heavily on how well your partner listens, understands, appreciates, values, accepts and nurtures you. Companionship and love are also a big part of emotional needs.
What are the causes of emotional abandonment?
You will feel emotional abandonment if your partner refuses to communicate or withholds affection. Other factors include marital stressors like the parenting demands, illness, conflicting work timings, conflict of interests, pre-occupation, resentment over unresolved issues, and fear of intimacy.
Can children be victims of emotional abandonment?
Children can fall victim to their parents’ failure to validate their feelings and fulfill their needs. Children can even fall victim to emotional abandonment in their infancy if thier mothers are emotionally unavailable. Mothers can behave like this when they replicate their childhood experiences or feel stressed and depressed
Can emotional abandonment in a relationship be cured?
Couples counseling can cure emotional abandonment in a relationship. Counseling can bring couples closer, heal emotional abandonment and have a positive influence on their behaviors.
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