I’m often asked, “What exactly is a low conflict marriage?” I guess since I push the idea that low conflict marriages should not fall prey to divorce, it is time I define, for those curious what I mean by a “low conflict marriage.”
What is a low conflict marriage?
My marriage was a low conflict marriage. We rarely argued, we treated each other with respect and we enjoyed each other’s company. There were problems in the marriage, neither one of us lived in a constant state of euphoria but we were satisfied. Some experts refer to this as a “good enough marriage.”
I won’t go into detail about the marital problems but will say that each of us suffered some emotional distress and were not equipped with the relationship skills needed to find solutions to the problems. Our lack of those skills was the eventual undoing of our marriage.
Our children were secure, healthy, and happy. They had a good relationship with both parents, were not subjected to arguments and domestic violence in the home. I can say with certainty that neither had ever thought of the possibility of their parents divorcing.
We were your average, middle class family. There were two cars, a beautiful home, and active social life. Our home was filled with friends and family for regular “get togethers.” We laughed a lot, communicated deeply about our problems, and planned for our future.
It was not an “eat, pray, love” atmosphere BUT it was a marriage in which most of the needs of both spouses were met. It was satisfactory and but not always satisfying. There were moments when I wondered what life would be like outside the marriage. Could I meet someone who filled my every need? My ex had similar moments I’m sure.
There were times when I couldn’t stand the sight of my then husband, when everything he did irritated me. I’m sure; that he had such moments also. We were not starry eyed lovers; we were husband and wife raising a family and taking great joy in the results of all the hard work.
Our marriage didn’t make it though. Like a lot of low conflict marriages today, we fell victim to divorce…to taking the easy way out in spite of the fact that what we had was a perfectly acceptable union.
The reason I encourage clients and friends in low conflict marriages who are considering divorce to attempt to work it out is for the children.
Check out the statistics below and you will understand.
- About 55% to 60% of divorces occur in low-conflict marriages. Divorces in these low-conflict marriages are very damaging to children, says sociologist Paul Amato of Penn State University, because the surprised children have not been aware of the discord.
- “Low-conflict divorces are very disturbing for children. The first time they discover something is wrong is when they come home to find Dad has moved out. Paul Amato, PhD, professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State says “the irony is that these divorces occur in marriages where there is some kind of reconciliation, some kind of positive outcome possible if there were appropriate intervention.”
- A study by Dr. Amato found two categories of children who are most at risk for future psychological problems: those who grow up with parents who stay married but remain conflicted and hostile, and those whose parents are in low-conflict marriages and divorce anyway.
I find the last stat of most interest. Think about it, a child who lived with parents whose marriage was low conflict grows up to have the same level of psychological problems as children who lived in hostile, angry environments where the parents didn’t divorce.
In other words, if you divorce because you are “bored, unhappy or dissatisfied,” or for any other reason other than domestic abuse or cereal adultery you do as much harm to your children as children raised in far more conflicted families.
I can’t think of a better reason to define your marriage…low conflict or high conflict and work on saving it before divorcing than the possible negative consequences of divorce on your child/children.
“Good enough, rather than the fairy-tale model, which is a big disappointment, is a reasonable way to picture married life,” says Louanne Cole Weston, Ph.D., WebMD’s sex and relationship expert.
I’ve been divorced for 6 years and have done quite a bit of personal inventory since the divorce. I can look back now and realize that we both had romanticized notions and high expectations of marriage. We were looking for the “fairytale” and for marriage to make us happy.
I’ve learned that happiness doesn’t come from outside us. A relationship or marriage will NOT make us happy. We bring happiness to the relationship and marriage, not the other way around.
So, if you found yourself unhappy in your low conflict marriage maybe it isn’t the marriage that is the problem but your expectations of the marriage.
Why would you write such a basic article and not get into the details of what kind of psychological repercussions to expect from the kids? Hey let’s scare you into staying into a “boring or unsatisfying” marriage. Well I just divorced my husband of 10 yrs of whom we barely fought, I told him what to do and he usually did it (a yes man), and I was unattracted to him and bored to tears wondering why I was the only wife on group trips that didn’t want to cuddle with her husband in public or ever!? We had broken up 5 years ago, got back together “for the kids”, probably shouldn’t have at the time, but stayed as busy as possible with a move to another state to hide the fact that we both weren’t happy. He is a great dad, good friend to me, but I was not attracted to him, ever, I always had a wandering eye, that is not something you can “work on” and I finally said HELL NO I’m not going to suffer through the next 10 years of my life, possibly cheating, always upset and angry, when the solution was an amicable divorce. You cannot go to therapy to change that attraction, only wine changed that… of course there is more to the story, but don’t shame people who leave boring low conflict marriages bc they choose themselves for once over the children. That underlying stress, also affects the children. My girls seem much happier because the energy in the house is happier.
Thank you!! Well said!! You only live 1 life – why do it :good enough?” Isn’t that teaching our children to settle?
Two things, 1, this is an article, not a book. If you want all the details, buy a book. And, 2. Your marriage was anything but low-conflict. In other words, you don’t have a dog in this fight. If the energy was so bad in your marriage that it impacted your children, it wasn’t a low-conflict marriage. If you were always “upset and angry,” it wasn’t a low-conflict marriage. You’ve chimed in on something critically that in no way represents your situation.
I love what Jennifer said. I’m staying together for the kids at the moment but can identify with everything she says. When you’re not attracted to your husband not much will change, you’ll always have this low level sadness and the kids understand this. Kids are smart, they understand their parents’ dynamic by the time they’re about 10.
This article IS quite helpful but quoting some academic/study can be done to support absolutely ANY perspective!
I’d really like to see closer how on earth kids from arguing married parents are doing the same as kids from peaceful but divorced parents!
Kids care about their own survival more than anything and divorce naturally makes them feel unsafe, but if handled well doesn’t have to.
My father was a functioning alcoholic, my mother enabled his alcoholism. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of conflict. Weekends were terrible because that is when the drinking and arguing took place. In spite of that, the most terrifying thought to me was that my parents would divorce. I lived in constant fear of them divorcing. That fear of divorce that I lived with impacted me far more negatively than the arguing and drinking did. I can’t speak for other kids BUT where I was concerned my main concern was keeping my family together. And I got lucky. There never was a divorce. My father eventually stopped drinking and as an adult my parents were perfect. At the time of his death they had been married for 57 years and were deeply in love with each other.
yes she should leave her low conflict marriage for a blackman and have 5 kids by him.