Although you might be happy to never set eyes on your ex again, this isn’t necessarily possible when you have children together. You will have already had shared ideas on how to parent, and these will still need to be thought about, even if you are not together.
Co-parenting in a pandemic
To explain further, Kerry Smith, Director of K J Smith Solicitors, looks into how you can co-parent effectively will make any challenges in life, even a pandemic, much easier to deal with and be more consistent and fairer for the children.
Tips for co-parenting
We often think of children as resilient, but sometimes our behaviors can impact them more than we think. Whether you are still together or not, you need to ensure that what goes on in your relationship does not impact your children. You are the adults, and so you should take care not to involve them in squabbles, use them as part of a game or argue in front of them. If you can both agree on this, your children will benefit no matter what happens between you.
Teaching your children to have healthy relationships is important, and you can model this for them, even if you are divorced. Allow them to have those healthy relationships with each parent so that they do not feel as though they have to choose between you or owe a debt of loyalty to either one. Whilst our children might spend all their time telling us what they want, the biggest thing that either of you can give them is your time.
That doesn’t just mean staring at individual screens in the same room together, but real, quality time talking, playing a game, or eating together. Time alone is also important, for both you and them. Even if this is only achieved by someone else reading a story over a video call, take whatever opportunities you can to exercise, read or soak in the bath. Your children will need a break too, so try and make sure they have a space that they can retreat to which is just their own.
Routines are important for everyone, and this is particularly true for children. Knowing what time they go to bed at night, when they have dinner, and how long they are allowed on a screen helps them to know where the boundaries are.
Pandemic co-parenting
When we make the decision to become a parent, we know roughly what our lives will look like, and often have visions of packing them off for their first day at school. What none of us anticipated was suddenly finding ourselves locked in our homes together for 24 hours a day, and suddenly having to not only parent but teach too.
Whilst it all seemed like fun to start with, the Joe Wicks PE lessons often became a chore and those who embraced homeschooling soon became frustrated by talk of fronted adverbials and long division. When this was coupled with trying to work from home, navigate Zoom calls and separate siblings, it is no wonder that many of us felt that our parenting ideals went out of the window during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Parenting in a pandemic is unchartered territory for most of us, so give yourself a break. Routines are still important but don’t be afraid to relax them. A little more screen time than normal gives them relaxation when there is nothing else to do and buys you some much needed peace and quiet too.
Whether you are together or not, you both need to cut yourselves and the kids some slack when going through such strange times. You will both have different ways of getting through this, and as long as everyone is safe and well, now is the time to go with the flow.
Co-Parenting with an ex
We all want a break-up to be amicable but sadly this is not always the case. If you are struggling to get your ex to work with you on the parenting front, it can feel like you are facing a constant battle. If you start to feel that your ex is ignoring parenting rules that you had previously agreed upon, then you may need to initiate a serious conversation. Their failure to stick to what you had agreed can make it harder for you to parent your children as they become confused about where boundaries are or even pit their parents against one another to suit their own ends.
A common problem is that one partner regularly criticizes the other in front of the children. This is highly toxic behaviour and can be extremely harmful to the child as well as their relationship with both parents. This will impact negatively the co-parenting relationship and the self-esteem of the child themselves. This is also the case if the two of you are ever together. Should they be rude or unpleasant to you in public, they will create added tension and make it very difficult to ever present a united front for the children.
It’s never good to talk about money, but particularly not in front of your children. Discussing the financial arrangements of the divorce or child support can be very confusing for children and create yet more bad feelings. Attempts to buy favour with the child by spending money on them that the other parent does not have can also be seen as very controlling behaviour.
In all of these cases, it is important to address them as early as possible to prevent them from doing too much damage. No matter how you feel about each other, it is important to at least maintain a tolerable atmosphere for the sake of the children.
Co-parenting is never easy, and communication is key throughout. Whether you are still in a relationship or not, being open and flexible will allow you find something that you can agree on and maintain healthy relationships with the children that are involved.
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