It’s been a week of crazy…
The stars were lined up for some crazy shit. There are two people who always, and I mean ALWAYS get it right: my psychic and my astrologist. So when I read my horoscope this week I was prepared for twisted.
Most know if they are attracted to someone in the first five minutes of meeting them. Yeah, well, it takes me about 10 seconds…and then another 60 to get completely turned off as soon as they open their mouth. It’s a bummer, actually, because those first 10 seconds, well, those first ten seconds are electric. So yeah, it’s kind of like electrocution to my system when that water cooler full of ice water called, “Ugh, not so hot” gets thrown on my head.
It happened this week. Such potential…and then such shittery. Usually at this stage of life, all of us have become pretty adept in the body language of, “There’s not a chance I’m sleeping with you.” I guess this guy skipped that section in The Game.
…and so the emails began.
Two, before I could fire off a, “Thanks, but I’m actually super busy this week.” This was the truth, of course. But when there’s potential, there’s rearrangement…and there was no potential for rearrangement here.
He was not to be deterred. Seven emails and four Facebook messages later, I thought…
THIS is what it’s like to be on the other side of obsession.
I mean, as embarrassing as it is to admit, we’ve all gotten a little OCD over someone before. Nod your head in agreement if you’ve ever stalked someone’s social media…
Hello? You didn’t think I didn’t already know you were in NYC? Yeah, I saw that on twitter 4 hours and 7 minutes ago!
And we’ve all experienced that sickening feeling where, when you aren’t stalking their Facebook page or who they’ve recently friended (That bitch!), you most certainly are obsessing over their whereabouts, and more specifically, WHY HAVE THEY NOT TEXTED YOU BACK!?!?!?
I don’t care how cool or how lame you are, you’ve flipped each side of the emotional interested/not interested coin.
When it comes to relationships, the seesaw is never balanced equally…
Someone’s ass is always dragging the ground.
In an effort to keep you, (and me) from having our collective asses drag the ground and otherwise give the object of our affection the illusion that we are completely batshit and might break into their apartment and watch them sleep, I came up with my tips on how you can…
reign in the crazy:
1. Be able to identify when you’re getting out of hand:
In the period of one day- you can look at his Facebook twice, or play her You Tube video once, and you can send two unanswered text. But that’s it. Anything more and you have to step away. Take a cold shower. Slap yourself. Bang your head against a door. YOU know you’ve got a problem here, but the last thing you want is to confirm your obsessed status. Anything more than two unanswered means of contact in one day is universally accepted as stalking.
That girl over there with the crazy eyes that’s been staring at me for an hour is hot…said no guy ever.
2. Remember when you were the victim of pathetic:
I received a text recently from a guy I dated a few years ago. All it said was, “I’m sorry.” When I pushed him to explain he told me that he now had a girl begging him to sleep with her. Begging. It reminded him of when we went out and he launched a daily text campaign touting the benefits of a relationship with him and he now realized how pitiful that was. “Desperation reeks,” he said.
3. Smash your phone:
Sometimes desperate situations call for desperate measures. If you can’t control your impulses to reach out, you have two choices. Delete their number or break your phone. Sadly, you will still find a way to deliver that “Are you mad at me?” panicked message, even if it means using a pay phone in the middle of Crack Town.
They seem to be out of hand sanitizer around here so I’ll just use the discarded condom wrapper to hold the phone…
4. Love the one you’re with:
My philosophy holds true that the fastest way to get someone out of your system is to get someone else in it. Move your crazy on to someone else. Or preferably several someone else’s. The buckshot approach. If you spread the crazy around, it’s way less potent.
…I got another email from Mr. Not Getting the Hint this morning.
“Have a good weekend and think about me, ok?”
Yes. I’ll get right on that. Right after I background search, Instagram stalk, and track the movements of that guy…
Shit.
Touché ~ angela
I love love love this! I recently seperated and now legally seperated my husband this month. It was tough and still is. Telling everyone I am over him and then dealing with it in my heart are two different things. I am NOT over him. I wish I was since the piece of poo decided to sleep with his 15 year younger coordinator and he is her BOSS. She is married too with a 3 year old kid. We have grandkids that age. I should be pissed off enough to hate him at this point. However 13 years of marriage actually meant something to me I guess. Your story made me think about how many times I look or have friends of mine who are on his FB check his page. How many mornings do I drive past his work hoping to see him walk from his truck. All this knowing full well we split in October and by February of this year he was crying and telling me he missed me. Why? Because his homewrecker decided to stay with her husband while still calling him boss. So I was the back up chick. No freaking way! Yet me and my broken heart bought into his bullshit once again. I did all the texting, calling and emaling. Until a month ago when he said he was dating, yes dating. We had not even gone to court yet to finalize the papers and this ass is dating! Now he is a narc so lord knows he is lying but I am sure he has his eye on some other chick. He is a total loser who has no friends other than his coworkers. He broke every HR rule in the book as the boss and employee of the company. He used his office as his personal motel, he used his company phone to text her and send pics, and he uses his company truck and gas card to travel back and forth to Ohio from SC. An email was sent to his work telling him all this and when confronted guess who he throws under the bus, yep me. I know in time once this is all done I will get over him. Just let me stalk him a little longer! And FYI, on the date of our hearing I sent his mistress flowers to work. No worries they were alive and I included a note indicating the next time she decided to be with a married man, she needed to make better choices. I also told her she and he were the reason our marriage was ending. Because of the choices they made. Funny in my stalking she is friends not only with my husband but her own husband on Facebook. I am out of that tangled web!!
The last thing I was going to do was waste one more second on my ex. When I ended it I ended it.
I could have cared less what or who he was doing. I lived for me the moment I said “I quit”.