Quick show of hands: Who here has heard of the game “Would you rather…?”
Oh good. I’m not alone.
(And yes, I see you, silly. Stop being such a doubter.)
The thing is, I fear my family’s version may be somewhat different from the game you’re thinking about. Because, while our typical game might include some standard questions (“Would you rather be a garbage collector…or a sewer repairman?” “Would you rather live without music for life…or live without books for life?”), our version also boasts far more — ahem — peculiar questions.
Examples:
“Would you rather eat one live cockroach per day for the rest of your life…or replace toilet paper with corn cobs for the rest of your life?”
“Would you rather go to Disneyland for 12 hours, riding three rides per hour and consuming three meals with your hands, without wearing gloves, and without washing your hands or using hand sanitizer…or lick the bathroom door at a doctor’s office one time?”
Yeah, I know. We’re crazy like that.
But seriously, these questions can reveal so much about a person’s character, am I right?
(And just so you can judge me, my answers are: garbage collector, without music, use corn cobs, Disneyland. Go ahead, armchair Freud. Analyze that.)
So one night, as I was playing “Would you rather” with my then-boyfriend-now-husband (yes…our date nights were hot-hot-HOT!), I decided to try to gain some insights into his views on relationships.
Or rather…the end of relationships.
(What can I say: I may just be a teensy weensy bit jaded.)
Me: “Would you rather be blindsided by betrayal in your marriage…or know for years that a break-up in your marriage was inevitable?”
Cue stunned look. Dead silence. Crickets.
Him: “Um. Well. Wow.”
The question stopped him cold. Hell, it stopped me cold, as I shuddered at the icy memory of my own made-for-TV-end-of-marriage moment. (And if you’re curious, my marriage ended with a brick. A literal brick. Read all about it here, if you’re so inclined.)
So back to the game: I hadn’t seen this reaction from him since I asked the question, “Would you rather never drink alcohol again…or never drink coffee?”
His response to that question, by the way, after some quiet reflection: “Coffee. Because with enough alcohol, you’ll forget you’re missing coffee.”
Anyhow, let’s return to the question at hand, shall we? Basically, the thrust of it was this: Is it better…to have a marriage dramatically and surprisingly dissolve, or to live a relatively uncomfortable existence for a while?
Obviously, the best answer is “neither.” But in our game, that’s not an option. Because that would be too easy, and the goal is to make each other squirm. Just a little. Because that’s how we roll.
Clearly, there are pros and cons to both sides. I’ve only experienced the former — the blindside — while my then-boyfriend-now-hubby has experienced them both. So this resulted in a back-and-forth debate about the pros and cons of each.
Yes, apparently, there are “pros” to a break-up technique. Now you know.
“Well, with being blindsided, it’s like ripping the Band-Aid off,” he offered. “There’s no constant nagging feeling, no slow build-up of misery and despair.”
“Yeah, but with the slow build up, at least you have time to process,” I countered. “And after being blindsided, you have pesky trust issues and baggage for life. You’re always waiting for the shoe to drop, for the ax to fall, for the brick to hit you upside the head.”
(See what I did there? The brick — get it? I kill myself.)
“Good point,” he said. “You win. It’s better not to be blindsided.”
While the conversation resulted in a “win” for me (yay me?!?!), it has always left me wondering. What is better? Does it speed the process of healing to have the dissolution of a marriage span scant seconds — or linger for years? Is it better for future relationships to feel like you can’t trust your own instincts because of a surprising turn of events — or to feel like your picker is inherently broken because you had to survive many years with someone clearly incompatible on so many levels?
Is it better to feel like a marriage ended with a flip of a switch — or a slow, constant flicker between light and dark?
Again, I can only speak to the former. The blindside. It’s a dark place, thus making the “blind” part of the word all the more meaningful.
It is a special hell to have all that you felt confidence in ripped away. It inspires such a sudden sense of disbelief — like you’re living in some surreal bizarro world where “down” means “up” and “up” means “a pirate’s dead pet guinea pig.”
I told you: it’s jarring.
It makes you question everything. Should you have known? Were there signs that you missed? Why did this person take away your ability to choose based on truth rather than a lie? If a person can so fully hide the truth from you, how will you ever be able to trust your own ability to guess one’s true intentions again?
But I can only imagine the corollary is its own horrific little slice of steamy scorchy hell.
Personally, I hated the blindside. I doubted I would ever see the light of a trusting marriage again. I was skeptical of my ability to ever lay my heart on that formerly-solid-but-now-painfully-blurred line again.
And yet, here I am, one year into marriage number two complete with a newborn child. How’s that for light from the darkness?
So there you go: I’m hoping to play an amusing, Divorcedmoms.com edition game of “Would you rather…” with all of you, because I’m really curious. Would you rather be blindsided by betrayal in your marriage…or know for years that a break-up in your marriage was inevitable? And please provide some evidence in support of your choice — just to give us some insight into your scarred and cynical psyche.
Or you can just answer the cockroach/corn cob question. Whatever turns you on…
Mary McNamara says
I got both in the same marriage! Our marriage was dead for years and we were hanging on for the kids. I begged him for the 1,000th time to do marriage counseling with me and he refused for the 1,000th time. Only this time, he followed with “We should just get divorced.” I felt relief that he had pulled the trigger, but was shocked because he had said many times over the years that divorce was not an option. I found out months after we filed that he was seeing someone and had been for quite a while. It changed everything for me. It blindsided me and made me question everything. I felt foolish, angry, and incredibly hurt. I’m glad I found out, but if I hadn’t I think the divorce would have been much more amicable. Because of his carelessness, everyone knows about the cheating. He is so angry that his image is tarnished that he punishes me every chance he gets.
Mikalee Byerman says
Oh, @ModernMatriarch…to have both in the same marriage would be incredibly destabilizing! You got the worst of both worlds — I can only imagine how painful that would be. I wish you all the best as you continue to try to heal. And don’t you just love it when you are punished for someone else’s choices? (please read that with a voice in your head that’s incredibly facetious in tone…). Ugh. 🙁
Laurie Scherer says
I got both as well! I was hanging on to a dying marriage and trying my best to improve myself, take care of the kiddos, and support him in his career. His career involved being overseas a lot so I was doing all the work at home – keeping financial records, schlepping kids to college, etc. He was being more distant than usual – I was pissed. I flew half way around the world to confront him and after being up all night after flying 20 hours he held my hand and told me he was “dedicated to our family”. After that I got beautiful flowers on Valentine’s day signed “love”. I thought I’d hang in there a bit longer. Then I got an anonymous message on Facebook telling me he was living with a woman. I fowarded the message to him and he answered that it was true, he just coudn’t figure out how to tell me. Perhaps telling me he was dedicated to our family was his sly way of saying he wasn’t dedicated to ME in particular? I asked about the flowers and he explained he meant the platonic kind of “love” when he wrote the card. We are divorced – and he is married to the other woman. And he never came home to deal with any of it – I did the divorce myself and I’m thankful every day that he’s no longer using me to be his mommy while he goes out in the world to date.
Liv BySurprise says
Oh Mikalee – I’d take a quick blindside any day over years and years of knowing what a disaster your marriage is. It eats your insides and rots your brain. I think a blindside is a lot quicker to recover from. Especially if it helps you to figure out that your ex was an asshat.
Jennifer says
Having only experiences the blindside, I can’t say I recommend it. I had NO idea he was leaving, and found out he had moved out when I got home from work (WITH my kids!!). I didn’t have time to process it, and had an added burden of trying to figure out what to say to my kids. I would have appreciated at least a conversation, so that we could have faced the kids together. I guess what I’m saying, is that I would have preferred he had been a man, and not snuck away like a dog with its tail between its legs.