Reader Question:
I believe my wife is having a mid-life crisis and I find your advice for dealing with the situation very reassuring. My question for you is should I allow my wife to force a divorce upon me as a result of her crisis when my overwhelming rational reaction to our current situation is to save our marriage?
I would really value your thoughts.
Tim
Women and Midlife Crisis
Answer:
Hi Tim,
I wish I could tell you that you should not allow your wife to divorce you. The sad truth is, your wife can divorce you, “force” a divorce upon you regardless of how you feel about the subject. Thanks to no-fault divorce laws control over whether your marriage lasts has been taken out of your hands.
When it comes to midlife crisis and the desire for a divorce any rational thought flies out the window. Even your rational thought processes. I understand your desire to save your marriage, especially if you are dealing with someone you feel is making irrational decisions. She has to be of the same frame of mind, though, and having experience with a midlife crisis, we both know she isn’t.
Below is a list of 19 symptoms women going through a midlife crisis may experience. I’m sure you are familiar with all.
1. She is depressed and withdrawn.
2. She is discontent and bored with her life and our marriage.
3. She is emotionally detached.
4. She says that she loves you but she’s not “in love with you.
5. She says that she feels a lack of personal fulfillment.
6. She says she is “going through something” and wants to “take a break and find herself.”
7. She wants her freedom and independence.
8. She has lost a lot of weight, goes to the gym daily and has become obsessive about exercising.
9. She pays more attention to her appearance.
10. She dresses provocatively and acts very flirtatious.
11. She had an affair with a co-worker (personal trainer, son’s soccer coach, old flame, guy she met in a bar, etc.)
12. She bought a shiny new, red BMW convertible.
13. She focuses only on herself and is acting extremely selfish.
14. She is angry and irritable all the time and becomes easily agitated over little things.
15. She is sarcastic with one cut down after another, constantly looking for a fight or argument and sometimes even goes into a violent rage.
16. She spends her spare time on the computer instant messaging people or chatting with guys online.
17. She goes out drinking with younger, single friends/co-workers after work and stays out all hours of the night.
18. She started living like she was single again, taking separate vacations, going to rock concerts, going out to clubs and bars. Anything to avoid being at home in the evening
19. She is acting like a teenager!
Your wife is in a very selfish frame of mind at this time. She is thinking of no one but herself and satisfying her own needs and desires. Only time will tell if this phase of her life will promote learning and growth or if it will cause her to destroy what she once held dear…her marriage and family.
May I suggest that you focus on saving yourself? If you have children they will need rescuing also. I will tell you like I’ve told many others, if a spouse is going through a midlife crisis there isn’t much you can do other than stand back, protect yourself and hope they don’t do too much harm.
At this point that is all you can do, protect yourself and wait it out. Or, accept that she is gone and move on with your life. Hard to digest, but that is the reality of your situation. Protect yourself, your children, wait it out of move on without her.
If you decide to wait it out, while you are waiting, live your life fully and wholeheartedly. Live so wonderfully well that if or, when she wants to come back it will mean nothing more to you than a gentle shiver, a small movement forward in a life that you’ve neatly established without her.
FAQs about Your Wife’s Midlife Crisis:
Should I let my wife to divorce me?
You should let your wife divorce you, otherwise, she can divorce you anyway because of the legal power she has. No-fault divorce laws have empowered women to divorce men irrespective of what they want.
Can midlife crisis lead to a divorce?
Midlife crisis can lead to divorce because of the absence of reason and rational thoughts in such a situation. Your desire to save your marriage may not work in such a situation.
Is my wife going through a midlife crisis?
You can be sure that your wife is going through a midlife crisis if you find her bored with her life, uninterested in her marriage and emotionally detached. She may also be feeling withdrawn and depressed if she is going through a midlife crisis. Other signs to look for include loss of interest in you although she says she loves you, her renewed interest in her appearance, gym and weight loss.
What can go wrong if my wife is acting selfish because of a midlife crisis?
Your marriage and family may be at stake when your wife acts selfish because of a midlife crisis. You may find her occupied with thinking about herself and trying to meet her own needs. But only time could reveal what she decided during this phase.
How can I help my spouse recover from a midlife crisis?
Help yourself to stay in good mental and physical shape instead of trying to help your spouse recover from a midlife crisis. There’s not much you can do if your spouse is feeling depressed and detached because of a midlife crisis. Your children would need your attention as well if your spouse is going through a midlife crisis.
Should I wait for my wife to come out of her midlife crisis?
You are making a commendable decision if you have decided to wait for your wife to come out of her midlife crisis. Meanwhile, you should focus on making life worth living for yourself and children in such a way that it doesn’t make any difference to you when she returns from her midlife crisis.
Thank you…just what I needed to read.
You’re welcome, thanks for commenting!
Hi, My wife and I have been married for 15 years. For over five years I have been dealing with jealousy issues because of flirting and her having emotional type affairs with other men. I felt like my masculinity was in question and if I said the way she was acting bothered me, it seemed to make matters worse or I was accused of being controling. During this period I did state I wanted a divorce if the behavior was not going to end: texting men a night, leaving for the weekend without letting me know where she was going or not responding to messages. We do have a son and basically it’s been him and I for the last year on the weekends. She disconnected completely from being a good wife and mother. In April she said she wanted a separation and I said no we need to get into marriage counseling. We did try that, but she was not very responsive and didn’t give any effort. Afterward she was adamant about separation and divorce. I continued to say no and that we needed to save our family. She presented a separation agreement and I had to hire a lawyer. Because of the above behavior my lawyer suggested a private investigator. The investigator discovered my wife was having an affair with a close friend of the family who also is married with children. We know the extended families. I feel like I should tell this man’s wife about what happened. This adultery has devastated me emotionally, I feel betrayed and I’m physically drained. I know my wife is passionate in terms of her sexuality, and I can’t get the thought of them out of my head. It makes me question my own manhood, and I feel very inferior or that he must be a better lover or what ever. The problem is my wife pursued him. She would go to him and she lured him into this adultery. I felt this was coming for some time and could not stop it. She was not only lying to me but also to our son about what she was doing and where she was going. My family is important, my son loves her and as crazy as it sounds so do I. Can you respond with a course of action on how to proceed? I was still have a very huge place in my heart for her. so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Ahmed can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my wife came to me and apologized for the wrongs she did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I, my son and my wife are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Ahmed. as it is a place to resolve marriage/relationship issues, do you want to be sure if your spouse is being faithful to you or Do you want your Ex to come back to you Contact.: E-mail: [email protected] save your crumbling home and change of grades its 100% safe. I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you.
This is partly true. There are many people out there saved their marriages from an MLC. One has to move on, yes, but if that person wants to get back, it only takes is one person to save it by doing the right things. It is absolutely possible after moving on. 3 of my family members have done it. You need to learn the art. That’s my answer to the person who asks the question.
What’s the art?ken
I AM ASKING THE SAME QUESTION TO MILO AS KEN DID ?
The “art” is letting go of any expectations you have of your wife and your marriage. You Have NO control over what she does or whether your marriage survives. As Milo said, you have to move on with YOUR life and she will hopefully come out of her crisis before it is too late.
Thank you for the insight, its easier said then done but I have seen a rekindling in very up hill situations with people I know personally and come back to life. Its the letting go that,s the killer.
Wow its me. I own it ,like 16 are accurate. Husband is trying more now .I have 3 little kids the craziness okay !men noticing me alot , alot like its insane. So on and so forth and being 43. Im not sure right now alot of confusion. Wanted to almost move into my own place sharing the kids. But husband is working so hard to get us our first house soon. I cant leave t would be a ruin for him I have been urged to leave him for a “man he used to be” lets put it like that. No sex involved with the urger. Nice to now know whats up with me. Great.
Hi Cathy, Thanks for the article! Quick question, is it a bad idea to show this article to my wife, or otherwise suggest that her behavior is due to a MLC? I just wonder if it would open her eyes a bit and get her to tell her therapist and start working on it… or if it would just create more resentment and have her push me away even more. I just feel like this MLC is a monster that needs to be brought to light so it can be defeated! I would love to hear your thoughts!
Scott, the last thing you want to do is show your wife this article or mention MLC to her. If she is anything like clients I’ve worked with, she’ll NEVER admit she is having a crisis. You show her this article and you won’t defeat the monster, you’ll be feeding it and enabling it to grow.
MILO SAID YOU NEED TO LEARN THE ART WHAT IS THE ART ?
I AM 21 YEARS AND THREE CHILDREN INTO MY RELATIONSHIP, I LOVE MY PARTNER VERY MUCH,THOUGH THROUGH THE YEARS HE HAVE HAD OUR THINGS BUT AWAYS COME OUT OF IT, MY TWO DAUGHTERS ARE HERS FROM HER FIRST MARRIAGE I HAVE RAISED AS MY OWN AND I THINK I HAVE GIVEN THEM A PRETTY WONDERFUL LIFE AS FAR VACATIONS ,IVY LEAGE SCHOOLS, CARS ETC. OUR SON TOGETHER IS ONLY 13 AND IS A GREAT KID. I BELEIVE I MISSED A LOT OF THE SIGNS ABOVE, I HAD NOTICED DISCONTENT AND A DROP OFF IN OUR SEX LIFE BUT EBB AND FLOW. 2 AND 1/2 MONTHS AGO SHE SAID SHE NEEDED SPACE AND MOVED IN WITH MY OLDEST DAUGHTER IN A TINY APARTMENT MANY OF THE ITEMS ON YOUR LIST CHECKED OFF TO THE T AS IF SHE READ IT FIRST, I AM BROKEN HEARTED AS I DO NOT WANT HER TO DESTROY EVERYTHING WE HAVE DONE . MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER AND SON STAYED WITH ME IN THE HOME AS I HAD IT BEFORE WE WERE TOGETHER AND IT IS VERY COMFORTABLE AND THERE HOME. SHE LEFT AND HAS BEEN SAYING ITS OVER AND MANY ITEMS ON THE LIST. I AM TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE AND GIVE HER SPACE BUT SHE STILL COMES OVER AND CLEANS AND DOES LAUNDRY ,ITS VERY ODD BUT SAYS SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN GETTING BACK TOGETHER OR AT LEAST FOR NOW, I HAVE ASKED HER NOT TO COME TO THE HOUSE SO TIME INBETWEEN MAY HAVE A CHANCE TO WORK BUT IT FALLS ON DEAF EARS. ANY IDEAS ?
Let her come over and clean and do the laundry. While she is there treat her like she is a friend, someone you enjoy their company. When she leaves, tell her you will see her later. You need to act, “as if.” As if everything is OK. As if, nothing is wrong with her behavior. No talk of the marriage, the relationship or her behavior. Act as if you are OK with whatever she chooses to do.
Hello and thank you for the reply, I have been attempting to do just that at times, then other times I feel I should set boundries in this area. She was over today it all started out nice and ended not well, she seems to get overly stressed in my presents but still wants to do things with me, her birthday is this month and we made plans last month for it, she still wants to go through with the plans as friends only, this place is a hard one to be in for me cause Id like to be with her on a closer level as each birthday before, I guess ill have to adjust to that if I see any pathway to a future right now. She is a no no no about fixing things or getting back together at this time, and blames the worlds problems on me ,one day its this and next day its that. My dads birthday is friday and after the encounter today asks me what time should she be there to have cake on friday OMG I need a drink.Ive seen us fight and not be very civil to each other at times in the past but never thought we would be in this horrible place,do you think talking with a therapist is an avenue to be explored? When I brought it up she said, she would do it only to help me wrap my head around the fact that its over,in the same breath afterwards she says ok see you tomorrow. Ill have a double please”” Frustrating to say the least.
HELLO CATHY??
HELLO CATH, I BELIEVE I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR RESPONSE BUT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONTENT PERTAINING TO MY SITUATION ?
Brian, I don’t know the details of your situation completely. I think my response was given in general enough terms that you can take the concept and apply it to your situation. You aren’t going to get a play by play from anyone in the comments section of an article. You’ll have to hire a professional for that.
I have been married with my wife for 21 years and we have 5 children together. We have ALWAYS been able to work through things and for the most part have a great marriage. About 2 years ago I started to notice she was texting this guy from work. I confronted her on it and she said she was trying to help him through some personal problems. At this point she said she did not see a future with me and wanted a divorce. It COMPLETELY hit me off guard. I later on found out she was having a mental affair with him telling him everything about us. I did know who he was and met with him confidentially and told him what my wife was doing. He said he had not realized this and immediately shut the relationship down as he was also married and has 2 children. After he went out of the picture she went in total shut down mode. This went on for a few month or so and after this I believe she started a physical affair with me. Some might say that’s good but it felt so wrong. She started to do all sorts of odd sexual things we never did before and wanted sex all the time. One day she couldn’t stand me and the next day she wanted me sexually. Then all of a sudden…nothing. She has had good days and bad days since with us. She has said 3 times now that she wants out of the marriage but I shrug it off and she never pursues it. She started going out to bars quite a bit with a girl half her age and now she has kinda quit. Now she just wants to kinda stay home and not do much. She still has sex with me about once a week but it is cold with no romance. I have tried to let her go and separate myself but I can not seem to I noticed her starting to change about 3 years ago but everything hit the fan 2 years ago. I have spent the last year researching midlife crisis in women and how to get through it with her… she meets ALL the criteria. When I say it has been rocky its NO joke. Some day I wanna throw in the towel and give up but I don’t. I read article after article it only takes 1 to save a marriage. I guess I’m wondering how long this will all take and what do I look for when she starts to come out of it. Most of the articles I read say 2-5 years. Right now I feel I am in a sea of crazy. Is there something that will happen or??? Thank you
I have forgot to mention she has wanted tons of space over the last 2 years and says I do not give her enough but we still live together and sleep in the same bed together. About 6 months ago We started to go out for drinks together and dinner 1-2 times a week but conversation but we do not talk much. Is this normal? She gives NOTHING to our marriage and says it’s not about me right now but her. We don’t fight but literally just live in the same house together….sort of like room mates.
Hi, i see this was on 2013 , what was the outc outcome,
Hi, Pete, I’m happy to say that Tim and his wife are still married. They were able to work through their issues and restore their marriage. I worked with Tim as a coach for about 3 months and within 9 months of this post going live on the site, she had come out the other side of her crisis.
Fantastic outcome in such an unknown environment
Hi Cathy,everything on your list !!! We came to Spain to largely retire,and just do our 80’s music duo together,we’d had problems for a number of yours,she had no virtually libido for yours,no kids,she is 47 I’m 62,in January this year she went hiking with a pal of mine twice,we saw him perform in his bands,he is not particularly attractive,with a Squeeky voice,yet she fell head over heels,wanted him physically ASAP,he wouldn’t sleep with her at first,and dumped her after 3 weeks,she continued to pursue him,and moved out after lockdown,and he rekindled in August,slept with her 2/3 times,but has dumped her twice,and not had contact for 2 months,I persuaded her to move back as we were spending excessively,she was and is out all the time with her new friends,wants to be single,but still pines for him,is adamant she loves me to bits,but “not like that” just wants to be friends,has no interest in anything she used to do,just wants to Sit around with her new friends smoking (actually gave up 4 years ago,but started after he dumped her) and drinking,and just seems to act quite out of character,I she acts recklessly at times.
Aah Years not Yours.
To add,we carried on in the uk,after problems,moved here for a clean slate.she is back but separate rooms
Terry, you’re welcome to email me at [email protected] if you’d like my input. Best, Cathy
Hello Cathy, I would be very enthusiastic to follow your advice but if this MLC, as long it lasts, involves my wife’s desire to sleep with other men, this is somethning that I could not afford to save my family. And yes, MLC involves sex with new people to fulfil the desire to feel attractive and (still) competitive. Are there many men out there to be so cool to accept that fact and wish their wife and family back ?
Please comment freely and thank you in advance!
Hi, George, many, many, many marriages survive infidelity. I doubt there are many people who are “cool” with their spouses being intimate with other people, though. No one is saying you should wish her well and send her off to have sex with other men. You have every right to set boundaries about what kind of behavior you will and will not accept from her. If sex with another man is your breaking point, that’s your right. You can’t based what you will accept during her time of crisis on what other men have accepted. Only you know what you can and can’t put up with. Good luck! Cathy
Hello Kathy and thanks for your fast reply. It’s not yet clear to me what means tha marriage survives infidelity. That means just to save the marriage for convenience reasons (common income, cleaned clothes for the man etc.) or for the benefit of the children ? If wife is not emottionally and sexually with the husband how this mariage could survive ?
My wife says that she needs to fell in love again.
Also that life needs passion, and passion comes from sex derived from new excited relations and interesting (I add also: maybe younger or handsome) persons.
She avoids going to bars with me and prefers going alone.
She uses social media to come in contact with other men.
As a consequence of the whole story we stopped making sex and if ever we would make again, I would feel very insecure because she would not actually enjoy it. Just to clarify I am a healthy and active person, so there is no any physical matter to love making.
So what’s the meaning of stepping back ?
What do I have to wait from now on, that my wife will come back to say I want you again and make sex with passion ? It’s a lost story.
I try to make her feel well, for instance I took her to a restaurant, talk to her sweatly, I did not argue on anything but the fact that she used her phone to send messages while we were talking was very depressive for myself and killed my night, because I felt she does not even respecting me! I think I do not reserve this behaviour.
Do you find any reason to try to save this marriage ?
Best Regards/George
George, only you can decide whether or not there is a reason to try and save your marriage. I can’t decide that for you. Do you love your wife? Do you think the relationship is worth saving? The answer is simple, it’s either worth the effort or it isn’t. Also, remember, it takes two to save a marriage. You can’t do it alone. If she isn’t on board with your efforts, it’s a lost cause.
Hello yesterday was my 30 year anniversary. Wife and I were childhood sweethearts. We have a 25 yo daughter. We started making plans to retire and now she wants a divorce!! She says its over and this all has occurred about one month after she told me how happy she was about our plans. We have both made mistakes in the past and have been abusive towards each other but the past 10 yes have been good. She says she wants freedom and will not forgive me for past? Looks like a MLC divorce to me but I love her unconditionally and will do anything to survive this. I am alone and don’t have family. I need help! I hope this passes. She has not filed yet but is in spare room and doesn’t talk to me much but goes from civil to rage. I love her so much it hurts to hear!
Jose, you need a good Coach to work with you and help you understand what your wife is going through and how you can handle the situation you are in. I’ll suggest this lady…https://www.empowereddivorcee.com/pre-divorce-coaching. If you don’t use her, find yourself a good pre-divorce or midlife crisis Coach. Good luck!
How much will it cost me? Coaching?
I don’t know. She should have prices listed on her website.
This article reads exactly like my life right now. I am going to loose my wife of 19 years to a midlife crisis and there is nothing I can do about it. She refuses to see it. She is doing about 10+ of the 19 symptoms listed. It will ruin all of us and I just have to take it and so do my kids. I literally hate it. Tom
The major Reason why I am sharing this information is because a lot of home has been saved and there are many more that need saving too, my Wife and I has been married for 11 years living a blissful life God has blessed us with two beautiful & amazing kids. believe it or not, the devil is loosed roaming around looking for the family and life to destroy. something Happened my wife wanted a divorce, financially, this is cost me over 4 million dollars, it is not just about the money but, there are mental issues that comes with divorce, it break the family when it is not meant to be, I contacted my friend who is an African descendant, I told him I don’t want this to happen to kids, they need all the love to grow together, He gave me a contact of a Man who is spiritually blessed to live on Earth. Dr. Suju. I contacted him, he asked me what do I need I answered Peace in my Family, I don’t know how he did it, my wife dropped the case. we are now living happily after.. I am Grateful, here is the contact of the Man who helped me: Drsuju @ priest. com | The Summary
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