I am writing this blog because I believe that it’s time to tell the truth. The ugly truths that no one wants to talk about when it comes to today’s blended families. I offer these experiences in the hopes of contributing a dose of truth and controversy to one of the fastest growing segments of our society – the blended family. Whether their love begins in the womb or the heart, parents and children should be allowed to love one another freely, fully, and without remorse.
As much as my daughter’s biological mother wishes that I wasn’t, I am a proud, active, and happy stepmom. Since just before my stepdaughter reached the age of 3, I have wiped away her tears, nursed her fevers, blown out birthday candles, and chased away both monsters and bad dreams in the middle of the night.
I have sat outside of parent-teacher conferences, countless doctor visits, and regularly waited for my daughter’s “bio-mom,” to arrive at her school in order to begrudgingly relinquish our daughter to my care for my husband’s parenting time because she’d rather die than voluntarily have me recognized as a parent or guardian authorized to pick our child up from school, even in cases of emergency.
I am the ugly truth that my husband’s ex-wife wishes never existed. I am the constant reminder of her failed marriage, and a forced sharing of the title that so many women hold sacred – “Mommy.” I am a stepmom, and I make no apologies for it. While most “bio-moms,” wish that we would simply, “Go away,” or, “know our place,” (which for them would likely be somewhere hidden in the shadows), the fact is that we cannot, we will not, nor do most of us want to.
Like biological mothers, we want to celebrate our children’s triumphs and be there to ease their pain. We want to acknowledge them publicly as a part of our family and hold our heads high proudly as they acknowledge us in return.
The reality of being a stepmother means that you have inherited a job distinct from any other. Unlike the role of a biological mother, you are not gifted the luxury of unconditional love that comes with giving birth to a child. As a stepmother, you must work hard to not only earn, but maintain, a place of affection in your child’s heart.
And far too often, you must accomplish this feat through gritted teeth, clenched fists, and eyes that blink away tears of anger, sadness, and/or frustration because, as a stepmother, you are often unsupported in your love for your child. Their biological mother doesn’t want you around, the legal system doesn’t acknowledge your presence, yet and still, here you are – loving and caring for a child that, unlike her biological mother, doesn’t remember a time when you didn’t exist.
Most often, these are not lessons that are taught to you before you meet a man, fall deeply in love, and settle into your rightful place, smack dab in the middle of a family already in progress. That would be too much like the beginning of the end of a childhood fairy tale. Instead, the world of a stepmom is often more like doing a crafty dance through a volatile minefield that you must carefully navigate your way through while dodging daggers, and spears of insecurity, jealousy, pettiness, and hostility at every turn.
I am a stepmom. I am proud. I am active. I am happy, and I make no apologies for it. I have a stepdaughter who loves me deeply, and a biological mother who doesn’t want me around. I am a stepmom, and these are my evil tales. I call them my T.O.T.E.S. – but not like the expensive, chic bags that most women love to carry around. Instead, they are the heavy, invisible bags full of nasty, dirty laundry that everyone knows exists, but are taught to never air.
I am a stepmom and my children have a stepmom. Loving someone else’s children means being considerate of their needs and respecting their relationship with their REAL mother. I’m blessed to share my children with a stepmother who feels the same way I do. I don’t agree that your story is the “truth” of stepparenting. It is your truth and it may be ugly based on your notion that the bio mom’s daughter is your daughter. She isn’t, she is your stepdaughter. There is a BIG difference.
I’ve never sat outside parent teacher conferences for one of my stepchildren, nor a doctor’s appointment. Why would I intrude on such occasions when my stepchildren have parents who are perfectly capable of showing up and getting those jobs done? I see no reason for your to either unless it’s your way of being seen and making it known, whether you are wanted or not, you will be there. You appear to make the situation about YOU, not the child and what is best for the child.
While reading this article I felt deep concern for “your” daughter. I got the sense that your concerns over your truth don’t lie with her but with her mother who doesn’t want you around. And, based on this article and the way you apparently you behave, I’m certain I’d not want you around either.
My stepchildren have a mother. I have enough self-esteem and confidence in my relationship with my stepchildren and my husband that I don’t bother myself with shoving my way in where I know I’m not wanted or showing up where I don’t belong.
Maybe that is why I get along with the stepmother of my children. Because I do know my “place” and out of respect for my stepchildren and their mother I put every effort into respecting her “place” in their lives.
In other words, we all act like adults instead of teenagers trying to one up each other. For “your” daughter’s sake, it sounds like you need to give it a try.
amen!!! that child is NOT HERS. if the REAL mom isn’t a proper parent, then picking up the pieces is fabulous. otherwise BUTT OUT.
Linda, I wholeheartedly agree. I have read countless articles online about stepmothers and standing up for their rights, etc. Yet reading them it seems to be all about whether or not they are getting recognition for what they do. I am a step mother and a bio mom. I have no problem being second place for my step children and love them endlessly, much in part for the heart they have for their mother. I read an article last week about how a step mother had written the pain she felt during mothers day, watching the child bring home items she made for her mother and not her. And that made her feel heartbroken. Was I alone that the article made me sick? I can’t imagine not feeling pride for my step children – if I get to see those items I am so thankful to have a glimpse of, knowing the pride they’ve placed into something they’ve made for someone they love so much – and whom is deserving – their mother. I have a very self-centered stepmother helping their father care for my boys (just awarded 50% of the time). It is a dis-heartening place for me when I witness it. There are few articles that discuss that side of things. I am not going to group everyone together as everyone’s situation is different, but it makes you question who really deeply cares for the children and who is more threatened. There is no need for a stepmother to be involved in doctors appointments and school issues when there are healthy mother and fathers already present that have the capability to do it themselves. I look forward to the stories my husband comes home to – the pride he has telling me how well his children did in school and how his kids could see both the mom and father working together in their best interests. I am happy to stand besides my husband and support him doing so. That has never brought jealousy or ill-will to the mother from me.
Wow. great post. I’m a step mom and my children have a step mom. You sound like a fabulous one so i’m not sure why bio mom wants you to go away…weird. I didn’t become a step mom until the teenage years so it is quite a bit different than your situation. I think step moms who start when the kids are little deserve lots of credit. It’s a tough position to be in. I love your candid post!
Thanks for the awesome feedback ladies! I have learned over the years that focusing on the needs and wants of my daughter is what matters most above all things, and the moment that I aligned myself with her, our family flourished in an amazing way. Like many blended families, I too am both a “bio-mom,” whose children have a stepmother, and a stepmom, which has given me a very unique perspective into the joys and growing pains that many blended families face. I look forward to more of your feedback on future posts!
I am confused, when you refer to your “daughter” do you mean your step-daughter? Because no matter how long you are married to her father you are NOT her mother. It is obvious you think that her mother has no right to not feel the way she does but you have the right to call her child YOURS? You sound like a teenager who doesnt get her way and has to sit outside the principal’s office.
I have a lot of sympathy for the person this writer calls the “biomom”. I will just call her the mom. I can’t even fathom the pain it would cause me if my children referred to another woman as mom. Especially from such an early age. What if the mom did not want a divorce and now is forced to share her children with someone who is seriously trying to play mommy? What if the stepmother was the other woman in her marriage? I think kids should know who their parents are. Stepmothers are not equal to mothers in the eyes of the law and they should not be in the eyes of families. Maybe the mother forbidding school pickups is just trying to hold on to whatever rights she can since the stepmother in this situation has insinuated herself so strongly into a role she really shouldn’t be trying to play. That the father in this family encouraged or even allowed this overstepping of bounds by his new wife is disturbing. It seems to be just one big “screw you” to his ex-wife.
What if the second marriage ends in divorce (78% of them do)? If the children have bonded with the stepmother, but their father does not want them to have a continued relationship with her, she has no recourse.
I was told by attornies and therapists that it is important that the titles “mom” and “dad” are only used with biological parents. Stepparents should be referred to by their first name. I was also told that all decision making in regards to the children should be made by the parents only. School conferences and doctor visits should be for parents only. It is up to the parent to share or not share information regarding their children with non-related adults.
I must say that reading this article made me so gald to have stuck it out in my bad marriage as long as I did. My kids are teens and a middleschooler now, so if my ex remarries someone as anxious to play “mommy” as the writer of this article, I will pity her. Four beligerant teenagers won’t have anything to do with it.
The divorce rate for second marriages is around 68%, not 78%. Third marriages have a 78%-85% divorce rate. Sorry for the incorrect statement.
Also, I want to say that when the writer referred to the child of her husband AND HIS EX WIFE as “our daughter” it made my stomach hurt. The utter audacity.
The divorce rate for second marriages is around 68%, not 78%. Third marriages have a 78%-85% divorce rate. Sorry for the incorrect statement.
“I have learned over the years that focusing on the needs and wants of my daughter is what matters most above all things, and the moment that I aligned myself with her, our family flourished in an amazing way.”
Your stepdaughter needs to know that you are her stepmother, not her mother. How in the world can you think it is best for this little girl to call you “mommy”? Your obvious disdain for the child’s mother comes across clearly in this article. Is that best for your stepdaughter? Knowing that her dad’s wife resents her mother? Lord have Mercy! I sure would love to see an article written by a mother dealing with an over-the-top/no boundaries stepparent!
I just read this again and the only way it makes sense is if this is some sort of Onion-like spoof. You got me! The story you painted does an excellent job of feeding the worst fears of every divorcing mom. Most of us are all too happy to let our husbands go, but the thought of having to share our children with an overbearing, over-involved new wife whose utter disdain for us shines clearly through, is the ultmate divorce nightmare.
All you see is the disdain she has for the “bio-mom” not realizing ask she does for her step child only to be treated as if she doesn’t exist. To that child she is their world because they don’t remember a time without her. Instead of the “bio-mom” embrasing her she excludes her along with her own child feelings of affection towards her. NO ONE deserves that treatment. Her authority isn’t through the mom that she has to tip toe around. Her authority is given to her by her husband. She isn’t “over bearing” she is loving, strong, and considerate of the child’s needs. I disagree with her that she doesn’t have “unconditional love” for her stepchild. I believe being there the way she has since the beginning of his memories, and strong up for them the way she has does show her unconditional love for the child, and it’s beautiful. Whether the “bio mom” does not acknowledge, appreciate, or is thankful for having someone who truly loves her child as her own instead of a woman who only loves her husband and resents her child as a reminder of the last marriage, that is a tragedy that of it’s own! And the “bio mom” needs to change and embrace the new family dynamic before he gets old enough to realize who the person of conflict really is and he begins to resent his “bio mom” for the interference of his new family’s relationship, and the woman he grew up looking up to and adoring the time they have shared.
You rock. These biomoms are crazy b****es. I wish they could understand that we inherited all of the problems associated with their divorce and marriage without ANY RIGHTS, or RECOGNITION, but all of the responsibility. I love my stepson as if he were my own and only want the best for him.
I am in a similar place and want to thank you for this article. I love my step son and have been in his life since before he can remember. I am pointedly bad mouthed, excluded, and demonized while mom simultaneously neglects him.
The women here who are asking you not to call this child your daughter seem to be thinking from a place of hurt. She seems to be the child of your heart which is beautiful. Through the eyes of the child, and with love being the soul concept that should matter, thank you for loving as you do.
If we want to emphasize and prioritize a woman who may or may not truly have the best interest of her child in mind, only because she gave birth, how can we expect adopted children, children whose step parents are all they have, children with a parent who has passed away, to ever feel loved? Are we saying that a child without a strong biological parent should just pack it in because they should never hope or expect to feel that love again? Or are we saying that a non-biological parent should only be allowed to fully love if they are granted permission of a biological parent?
More love. This world needs more love. In every way shape and form…just more love.