Tomorrow is our Non-Anniversary. We walked down the aisle of the church at Mary Queen of Peace five years ago tomorrow. You were waiting for me, so handsome and proud in your tux with the blue bow tie. I was happy, beaming; excited of our life yet to be lived. Family and friends circled around us and rejoiced as we did before God. The priest talked of our love for family and children and our bright future together. The mariachi band played songs of love and devotion, and the flowers were colors of a bright summer garden. Sweat dripped down our backs and we smelled of cologne and perfume.
We exchanged vows. You said that you would love me faithfully. I said I would love you unconditionally. You were so excited to be my husband. I could see it in your eyes. I was happy to be your bride and start a family with you. Your smile was wider than I had ever seen it before. We giggled as we held hands and walked up to the Virgin Mary and prayed to God. Now that same God is one that you don’t believe in anymore.
I guess we have taken back what we have said or changed our minds or whatever. You weren’t faithful and I couldn’t stay with you through thick and thin. I am broken and in pieces. I hurt in places that I didn’t know could hurt and my soul is missing. You are broken. I can see it in your eyes but you don’t know how to fix it. You come and go, and come and go, and cry out, but then turn your back on us and leave again.
Now this anniversary date that once meant something to me, to us, seems to be just another day. It is supposed to be the day we decided to conquer the world together. Now it rings of heartache and sorrow. It is pain and the death of a family; not any family, our family as we know it.
You asked me to go camping or out to dinner to celebrate the non-occasion. We aren’t together now but we aren’t apart either. We are in limbo, nowhere land. I am falling fast into a deep cave of confusion.
I am not ready to give up my family but I hate what I am becoming. I hate the hole in my heart and I hate that I want to die. I hate that my life is torn to shreds. I hate that nothing is as it should be. I hate that my dreams are coming apart at the seams. I hate you and I hate your dick and I hate the woman you left us for.
I couldn’t look up at you last night, as I sat on the staircase examining my red toenails, as you talked of the non-anniversary. All I could think about or fixate on were the lines in the ugly 90’s hardwood floors in our entryway. Thinking about this date and you and me caused too much pain. I will just fixate on mundane details to block out the reality of how I am unraveling.
I was so steady, so proud. I thought if I loved you enough and took care of the boys, well, then everything would be okay in the end. I believed that if I made good choices, then good would come to me. Karma. Yes, karma. But karma fell short and the promises we made to God five years ago fell short too.
We are broken and together and not together. It is awful. Happy Non-Anniversary.