What a difference a year makes. I remember this time last year vividly. I should have been happy. I was almost two years into a happy, good relationship for the first time in my life. I wasn’t. I was still struggling to heal from two past monsters. One monster is the father of my children, and someone I am forced to co-parent with. The second monster came next. Luckily, once I finally figured out a way to get away from him, I could keep him at arm’s distance with no contact, but in three short years he left emotional scars worse than the first.
Last July, I was downsized from a job I loved in a hospital in financial crisis. I was still living in darkness, three years post divorce. I was fighting with everything I had, preparing for another custody battle with my ex, and hit bottom again. Deep depression.
While still employed, I came across a magazine article by Glennon Doyle Melton. Her story was far different from mine, but her pain very similar. I jotted down the name of her blog, determined to visit. A few weeks later, having yet another sleepless night fraught with worry, I visited Momastery.com. What I found there was instant relief. Her posts were real and honest and full of fear and hope and worry, and so many emotions all balled up into one little person. I finally found another woman I could relate with emotionally.
I remember sobbing, leaving a comment on one of her posts about my struggles and my fight. One person left me a message. “…put down your sword…” is what she said. She went on to say I needed to trust that I was where I was supposed to be, and things would eventually work out.
At first I just stared at the words. How could I possibly stop fighting for my children? The very thought caused extreme panic to sweep through me. I couldn’t stop fighting, I just couldn’t. This lady must have been nuts.
It took several months to start to understand what the message meant. I did start praying again in the mean time. My prayers were different, not full of so much anger. Then, a miracle happened, and I was asked to be a blogger on a new site for divorced moms. Aside from my family and boyfriend, two very special and accomplished people actually thought I had value and a story to tell.
I started writing… and reading and researching and learning and oh holy crap, REALLY HEALING. The more I learned about this new name that described the way my exes behaved, the lighter I began to feel. I started to learn that I was doing it all wrong. I was fighting hard, not smart. I found Melanie Tonia Evans and learned I was stuck in a thought process which kept my life circling in the dark. I have to admit, she seemed a little quirky, but what she said made sense. I never quite could afford the Quanta Freedom Healing Program, but I read every blog article and downloaded all of her free ebooks.
I was in the dark so long, I was so afraid. Afraid to have faith. Afraid to trust. I don’t know how many times I have been on the floor, a crumpled mess sobbing. Praying for help, for relief that if it came, was only very brief. I had been so beat down by two people so much, at one time I no longer cared if I even lived. The life was sucked out of me.
I learned healing isn’t about fighting the negative emotions at all, it’s about embracing the wave, then letting it pass through you. I learned that nutso was right. I didn’t need a sword.
Real, true healing won’t happen until you are ready, AND you are ready to let go of the negativity associated with all of the pain. In essence, you must let go of the pain and the darkness to be able to step into the light. I just couldn’t stay in the dark any longer.
I’ve been through hell, and I need to know it wasn’t all in vain. I need to turn this into something positive, and the only person who can do that is me. I had to change my outlook, my energy. I had to learn to embrace the positive energy from all around and not let go. I had to learn that I am the only one in control of my emotions. Since I have changed my energy, my world has begun to change. The positive energy is bringing positive to my life, and for that I am so thankful.
All I want is to help others to stand back up. I’m not a really a writer, not like most of the writers here. I’m a healthcare worker from the Midwest. I’m your next door neighbor. I’m that chick standing alone behind you in the check-out line, checking her phone( for secret messages from her daughter). I have a story, and it’s not a nice one, but it will have a happy ending.