It’s every woman’s secret fear: I’m too old for love to find me.
A caring and loving friend of mine pointed out that my 50th birthday is on my short-term horizon. She graciously pointed out that the window for love finding me is closing. She didn’t have to tell me any of that. It’s been in the back of my mind for a long time.
It’s funny, I felt the same thing at 35 when Husband #1 left me and Marriage #1 ended. Who would ever want a frumpy single mom with kids in tow? What could I possibly offer to someone else? Divorce #1 left me low and strengthened the voices of self-doubt that already existed inside of me.
And yet someone did want me. Someone found me interesting and funny and pretty and worthy of love. And we got married.
Here I am on the verge of Divorce #2 and the voice of doubt is haunting my thoughts once again. Who would want a late 40’s, twice-divorced woman whose body is losing a battle with gravity? Yes, Society, that voice inside my head is alive and well. Thank you for bringing me up to value youth and beauty over experience and substance!
But a funny thing happened on the way to the pity party…it turns out that I’m pretty happy with who I am at this stage in my life. Sure, if I ever win the lottery I’ll gladly trade in the crow’s-feet and sagging bosom for a bit o’ surgery. But I’m not actively pursuing those options. When some women get divorced, they get new boobs. I’m getting myself something better. I’m giving myself the gift of me.
You see, I dedicated my 20’s to Husband #1’s career. I gave my 30’s to raising my kids. And my 40’s were spent supporting Husband #2 and his wish to build a business. My 50’s will be for me. It will be the first time in my life where I am #1 on my priority list. I may not have the time or room for a new love.
Take that, Greatest Fear. I’m not afraid of you anymore.