Thankfully I have never been robbed. If this ever were to happen to me, I would imagine that, after the initial shock, I would be forced to survey the scene, myself, and anyone else involved to assess the damage and compile an official account of what just happened.
What just happened?
I can’t imagine a divorce to be a whole lot different than being t-boned by the little old lady who didn’t see me coming because the sun was in her eyes (Sigh- true story), or having burglars ransack my home looking for riches (Sorry, guys! Wrong house!).
What just happened?!
One of the inevitable questions after “what’s it going to take to fix this?” or “what’s been done to me?” is often “Did I let this happen?”
Did I not have my turn signal on?
Did I leave the door unlocked?
Did I exercise epically poor judgment by letting that person into my heart?
Don’t feel too alarmed if a top to bottom life shake-up, such as divorce, leaves you with lingering trust issues.
Trust for yourself and trust in others.
Trust in others
Marriage requires a massive demonstration of trust for one’s partner. Think about it, a spouse has their hands on literally every aspect of our life! They’re in our money, sleeping next to us in the same bed every night, and they’ve been given open access to our hearts!
Who else gets an all access pass to literally every nook and cranny of our personal life?
So, when a spouse, of all people, betrays our trust, talk about a cannon ball to the gut!
I would halfway expect some random guy off the street to swipe my credit card when I’m not looking, physically assault me, or expose my most vulnerable secrets; but, a spouse is one who swore to stand by us, and we have expectations of protection, loyalty, and unconditional love from them!
I have a small sign in my home that states “trust is one of the easiest things to lose and hardest things to regain.”
It stands to reason that if we have suffered a major betrayal, opening that door again to the offender, let alone a new person isn’t such an easy task. Our minds may race with hundreds of good reasons to avoid a repeat experience, and who can blame our poor brains for just trying to protect us from more devastation?
How do I know he won’t cheat?
What if she stops loving me too?
How do I know what they’re really up to?
There is no easy repair for a gun-shy heart!
All that I can say is bear the following in mind:
Your ex is your ex. Clearly your ex didn’t turn out to be the person you thought they were, but we can’t punish every other potential friend or partner for the bad actions of one untrustworthy person! Don’t let one lousy ex deprive you of living again! Forever keeping your heart in a bubble is no way to live! Dance, laugh, go on adventures, and even love again!
We will be hurt again. D-day at the court house was not our final run-in with our dreaded foe, pain. Other people and situations will let us down again in the future- hopefully not as bad!
Pain is one of those unfortunate things about living. I guess we get a dose of pain to allow us to experience how good pleasure can be! So, know this: we are not invincible, but we are stronger for having been hurt, and we can defeat about anything we have to!
We’re smarter now. Every person who enters our life does so to help teach us a lesson. Some of those lessons are unbelievably wonderful, and others will break our hearts! So, although we bear scars on our hearts, we also carry with us lessons from those experiences. We know better now what to look out for in others, what precautions we might take in the future, and have acquired other skills that make us less vulnerable.
Trust in yourself
We all make mistakes. I get it. I look back on my ex now and sometimes wonder what in the world I was thinking or how I could have been so dumb to get myself into that situation! I’ll own it: I failed! I should have never married him. At bare minimum, I should have dated him a lot longer before jumping in to anything serious. I also should have waited longer after my last serious break-up…
Such is life! We can’t go back and fix our missteps, even though we sure wish we could! And, my divorce will not be the last mistake I make! Living and mistakes go hand-in-hand, so prepare to shake your head in disbelief in the future when you screw up again!
It’s alright! We should forgive ourselves for simply being human and not always having the full benefit of good reason, all pertinent information, and whatever else might have prevented the last debacle!
Some mistakes are completely on the offender, and we bear the blame with others. We shouldn’t be too harsh on ourselves if someone abused our trust in the worst sense of the word. In other cases, maybe we could have been more aware, more selective, or more something! Whatever the case, we have a new tool of wisdom to carry in our bag to the next adventure!
The bottom line: we need to stop beating ourselves up or carrying around shame because our marriage didn’t turn out the way we hoped, whether the marriage itself or the person we thought we should marry! What’s done is done, and there’s nothing that can be done about it now! Mistakes- done to us or that we caused- are cleverly disguised opportunities.
Heck, I wouldn’t even live in the state I do, have my two beautiful children, or have so much to say about life if I hadn’t also divorced! I received a big box of ugly in my life courtesy of that event! I can definitely count plenty of good things that came into my life as a result of things that I now consider to be negative!
Trust is just one of the many things we dust off after the divorce dust settles. It may have been bruised, and you might be afraid to use it again. Please don’t just put your trust on a shelf and let that prevent you from all the great things still waiting for you! We made it through a full on heart invasion robbery, and we’re still here!
We got this!