The quietest of days can swirl themselves up into a frenzy, spitting out message after message and sign after sign, bombarding me from all sides, until I brace myself against the winds, arms outstretched, head dropped and say, I am listening. No. Really. This time I’m going all Frazier on you and listening. Wednesday and Thursday were just that – a constant last ditch effort by the Universe to get me to listen.
I’m listening and I’m brave. And I believe. I believe I am in the perfect place at the perfect time in the perfect set of circumstances for my journey, for my life goals to be fulfilled. Perfectly and as planned. So I will stop holding on and bravely trek onward.
Today I am letting go.
(I’m crying so hard my glasses fogged up and my dog left the room.)
The past several weeks have been a series of ups and downs (shocker), which I can handle. But brewing beneath the surface was this feeling that I didn’t deserve to be settled, that anxiety and angst were going to be part of my world forever. Or at least until the dudes move out on their own and my co-parenting with The Genius ends for all practical purposes. The hits I was taking were part of the game plan. They gave me a free pass to be pissed. And that felt pretty good because it motivated me to push ahead. But pushing ahead angry only left me falling behind, not present, and knowing that I wasn’t living by my boundaries.
Which made me feel like crap. Which means I attract crap. But I’m not in the market for crap. So I ought to start acting like it.
Then I received this comment from Mr. Simplicity on Wednesday. It’s so important I had to include it in its entirety:
“I don’t usually go thru the comments on your blog, but for some reason I did this morning. Not your current post but 2 back – and then (and I never do this either) I ended up clicking thru to the “momastery.com” blog that someone mentioned in a comment. I randomly scrolled down in the comments from THAT post, and this quote literally jumped off the page at me:
“Let go or be dragged.”
You know I am a huge quote nerd, but I had never heard this one. And it really hit me because I love to ride motorcycles, jump horses over fences, ride wave-runners, go water-skiing (anything fast) – and in everyone of those situations, if you stumble or fall, the key is “LET GO!” or risk being dragged, turned, tumbled, bruised, knocked unconscious or worse.
It sucks that you have to deal with all this stuff you are dealing with. And deal with it you WILL.
But in reading this morning’s post it felt like you were doing all of this while ALSO carrying a 50 pound bag of sand on your back – in which contains “The Genius,” what he did, how he did it, how he’s living now, what he said/says, how he treated/treats you, etc. All of this is a “drag” on you moving forward.
You HAVE to move forward – but you do NOT have to carry that bag of sand. No – this is not about forgiveness, any more than I have to forgive the boat that is dragging my uncoordinated butt around the lake as I fall. It’s just about letting go of the rope, so that I don’t get any more messed up than I am. Letting go is not for the boat – it’s for ME. Dig? The boat does not care whether I let go or not – it will just keep going and going and going.
I know this easier for me to say than for you to do, but…
“Let go or be dragged.””
Can we please all stand and applaud the total fabulousness that is Mr. Simplicity.
When he says, “I don’t usually go thru the comments on your blog,…” and “(and I never do this either)”, he’s not trying to say, Just so you know, I don’t spend my whole day tooling around HGM clicking here and there and everywhere. I am a dude, you know.
He’s saying, I was lead to this quote because you need to hear it. The world-at-large has been trying to drum this message through your thick, Swedish skull, but you have been denying it a home in your heart. You have taken all the right steps on the surface but inside you’re still holding on to the rope.
And being dragged.
And fighting valiantly to remain who I have been even though who I am now is who I need to be. And she is way cooler, stronger, more vibrant than she has ever been.
“You HAVE to move forward – but you do NOT have to carry that bag of sand.”
And if I choose to carry that bag of sand then it’s as if I’m telling the Universe, Don’t work so hard on my behalf, I’m committed to doing this the hard way. To which it replies:
Good luck with that, moron. We’ll just put away all these magical encounters and remarkable experiences for another lifetime, maybe even another soul.
The thought of that happening brings me to tears. I need those encounters and remarkable experiences. I like playing life this way – seeing the signs, believing in them, being fearless and brave, trusting in my intuition, valuing this opportunity, this gift of life so much so that I am unwilling to short my experience. I do not want to discount one single sign. Not one message sent, no matter how quietly it’s whispered. And I don’t want to waste a moment on anyone or anything that isn’t completely down with the way I need to move forward.
“No – this is not about forgiveness…Letting go is not for the boat – it’s for ME. Dig?”
I’ve been unwilling to let go because somehow I have equated that with sending the message to The Genius and whomever else listens that his deceit and betrayal were no big deal, happens all the time. All is forgiven. Look at us all co-parenting and stuff, and him being able to sleep at night.
I did forgive the affair – I get points for that right? Sweet. Because I am so not forgiving the purchase of this house. Oh, no. I’m holding on to that puppy. That was acid thrown in my eyes as they were too busy crying tears of betrayal to slam shut. I’m going to wear it like a corset cinched by a giant and double-knotted. Just try and get this thing off me.
Can somebody loosen this rope around my neck? It’s getting awfully hard to breath in here.
I knew I was doing something that didn’t feel good, yet I couldn’t stop. Until I read the comment from Mr. Simplicity. And then, while strolling the streets of Petaluma, a few hours after reading his words, I hear the little dude say in conversation with his brother, You really have to be good, being bad to yourself will kill you.
He said it for my benefit alone. I don’t feel he was aware that words were coming out of his mouth. You can tell when a child is a messenger. It’s plain as day.
I was being bad to myself in a couple ways that were truly handcuffing the Universe and had me flipping end over end as I tried to hold on to the rope. Negative thoughts, negative behaviors, staying in negative situations. It had to end.
I had to stop being afraid of what is ahead for me and realize that holding on to the rope tied to the past was choking me. For about a week now, I could feel the Universe stamping its feet in displeasure at my thoughts and at choices I was making. We were at odds. So, it should come as no surprise that healthy and magical encounters were few and far between. I could feel people hovering on the fringes of my space, being held back because I couldn’t be rewarded unless I changed my ways.
I felt guilty. I haven’t felt guilty in a long time. I’ve been living a straight up, honest existence. But holding on to that rope because I felt tethered (falsely grounded) by it was so bad for me, yet I continued to clutch it in my hands.
By nightfall Wednesday I was starting to see how I was sabotaging myself. Each acknowledgement I made was met by a new comment from a kitten sending love and support and ideas and wishes for a return to kick-ass happiness and serenity for me. When I awoke Thursday I was feeling stronger.
My heart was now deprogramming my mind.
It has to be this way. I have to let go. The Genius can’t be a large, medium or even small focus of my energy anymore. I can’t waste energy steeling myself every time I know our paths will cross. I can’t go out of my way to involve him in what the boys and I are doing. I can’t punish him. I can’t be the one that shows him his dark side. I can’t long for a productive co-parenting relationship with him. I can’t count on him. I can’t trust him. We will never be friends. It really is time to move on. Nothing that goes on in my life from this day forward has anything to do with him. Not with what he’s done, what he will do, what he refuses to do.
Yes, he’s the father of two amazing, loving, smart, joyous boys. I am a co-parent with him for the next 13 years. I have every right to speak up when it comes to parenting these children. There are some issues to deal with, and I will address them without hesitation. But all I need to do is insure that my children are safe and secure and loved by me, and if I run into any issues I pick up the phone and call my attorney. If we have an issue at school the school can deal with us independently. I don’t have to be the one to try and teach, or come to a common ground, or ease our road ahead as co-parents. I’m done with that.
It doesn’t work. Progress is not made. And it doesn’t feel good.
But now we get down to the really sneaky part. A tiny little thread can decapitate me. In letting go, I must not harbor any negative feelings toward The Genius and I must not desire to affect change with The Genius.
In the healthiest way ever, I must let go of the rope. And then look around in the light for any tiny little threads. Then, I must take a candle to them, singe them and watch them vanish.
So last night I did. And I flew back in a blue-green spray of sea water, with seals and dolphins bounding and cutting this way and that, welcoming me to their fluid world. I hit the water on my back and skipped like a flat rock side-armed by a fearless boy. The boat raced ahead as fast as I fell away.
In letting go of the rope, The Genius has become the distant hum of an engine, miles away on an open sea. White noise.
May he be well.
The events that led me to where I am today are in the past. They’ve served their purpose. Now the spotlight is on me. Which is vastly different from saying It’s all on me. I’m delighted to hand over this house to whomever is meant to care for it with their full passion. This house deserves that. I’m excited to see where I end up. I am beyond thrilled to purge for the final time as I pack to move. And because I have let go, I know that I will manifest the perfect place for the boys and I to live.
As I was burning the last threads, the Universe was working hard on my behalf to show me that my letting go would be rewarded. While watching the San Francisco Giants play the style of baseball I love the most – small ball – an email was sent, an offer so thoughtful and generous made, one that I accepted. An offer from a man who may one day share his story with me, with us. In the interim he offered to share his expertise as a real estate attorney. Right behind him was a handful of you taking your time to come up with ways to create revenue, sell a house, make some joy.
You kittens really are an exceptional bunch of furballs.
I am so excited to show you that your support, time, love, efforts on my behalf are all so very worth it. Because I’m not going to waste another moment holding on. I need both hands free so I can fly and high five you along the way.
Till Tuesday, if I can stay away that long…
It will be a magical weekend, so please join me on Twitter.
You bring me such joy. Thank you.