The Douchebag Men’s Club is reserved for those men who have an inflated sense of self, care about their own pursuit of pleasure above anyone else’s, display a total lack of tact and decorum, have enormous character flaws as is evident in their actions, and, by society’s standards, are complete and total assholes. Since I, Lizzy Smilez, am the membership director of this club, I get to decide who gains entry. It’s not that easy, to be honest. A guy has to be, well, a complete and total douchebag. In addition to my ex husband, Rob the Great (Alcoholic), let’s welcome…
“Joe.” Joe’s wife died several years ago after a valiant battle with breast cancer. A month later (yes, a month — like 30 days!) he married the woman who worked at the funeral home who buried his wife. Holy flipping hell. Can we say tacky, thoughtless, selfish, stupid, and awful? His minor children (four of them) all moved in with their oldest sister and mostly cut off contact with their dad. He couldn’t understand why. Um, hello Dumbass. And if there was a club for Douchebag Women’s Club, the woman who Joe married would be Honorary Chairwoman. What kind of woman steps into that mess? Shame on her for being his enabler. Yes, enabler. She enabled him to skip the grieving process, not heal, not focus on himself and his children, and, generally, piss on his wife’s head. May they have many (un)happy years together. Two very sick people. Together. With a bunch of kids as the victims. Lovely.
Ladies: Does size matter? Yes, it does! And I’m not talking penis size. Size of character matters. If a guy has just exited a relationship, do you really want to “go there”? The answer is, most emphatically, NO. What are you getting, really, if you do? An emotionally damaged guy. Sound good? Of course not! Not only are you going to be getting damaged goods, but you have got to ask yourself why your man isn’t taking time to heal from his last relationship. Several adjectives come to mind, none of them good. And what is your role in this? You’ll become nothing but a distraction and an enabler. Is that what you want to be? Of course not! Healthy relationships begin on solid ground, fresh, with full of hope and excitement– not with the ex (or current) wife in the middle. I learned the hard way. My ex-husband, Rob, had just exited his marriage– and I mean by just a few weeks (yes, weeks!). I know, I know… how stupid, right? I was the enabler. Now, granted, I didn’t know– Rob the Great (Alcoholic) lied to me about their separation date. But I would never in a million years have ever dated a guy in the midst of such turmoil and chaos. And neither should you.
I remember all too well, once I figured out that I had inherited another woman’s terrible left-overs, how embarrassed I was. The joke was on me. (“Hey, Lizzy,” I could hear her saying, “I have a partially eaten sandwich left. You want that, too?” hahahaha) Every time I saw my hubby’s ex-wife, I was green with envy. She was single and divorced from the guy I was now stuck with. How I wanted to trade places with her. She knew exactly the hell I was living with and I wanted a do-over. If only she had managed to stay married just a few months more, I never would have met Rob and I wouldn’t be living a life filled with explosive alcohol fueled rages. I was part of the Douchebag Club. And it sucked.
I don’t think any of us ever wake up one day and say to ourselves, “I think I’d like to start dating a douchebag.” Yet it happens every day. The best way to not get involved with such a man? Look for good character. Look for a man who has space between one relationship before jumping into one with you. Look for a man who displays emotional maturity, who values his mental health and wellness, and who is good, kind and honest to you. And, just so ya know… if you date a douchebag, just realize that you’ll be on the receiving end of such douchery in no time. And if you go into this relationship knowing all this beforehand, then, sorry, you deserve it.
Please date as wisely as possible. You are too smart for this!