(This post was written by my ahem, fiance. My comments are in bold.)
Without further ado,
Sometimes, when I am reading the latest post from my beloved Cuckoo Mama..
And I read the other blogs on Divorced Moms!
I have to say that it can be a hilarious, enlightening and an often touching experience. It can also be classified as the,
“1001 Ways that Men are Total Douchebags”.
In all seriousness though I have come to notice throughout all the posts that I’ve read, that there are two striking points that interest me.
The first is that you ladies can do some EPIC name calling! This is a wonderful thing and not just for the pure entertainment value of it, although it is wonderfully entertaining. Behind each carefully chosen and cleverly crafted name I imagine a wonderful cathartic experience for the writer.
Let’s be brutally honest here. We all have some really hard negative emotions towards our former spouses. I personally have at least a half dozen monikers I use for my ex, only two or three of which I wouldn’t use to her face. To my mind we can label them, and dissect their personalities all day long. Narcissist, self-absorbed, and emotionally unavailable are all wonderful and in most cases spot on diagnoses of these ding-a-lings, but using those words will never ever replace the visceral release of calling them the most horrible things we feel deep inside. Like, Asshat, Assclown, Goblin King, Mean Pig, etc…
(I hate to talk about a fellow divorced mom, but Al’s ex is a rank, mean, petty, horrible person who puts her kids in the middle at every opportunity. She deserves his harsh words. There is no excuse for her behavior.)
Which brings me to my second, and more serious point. In all of these posts I’ve read from the DivorcedMoms regular bloggers, in one way, shape, or form each and every one of them (and often their commenters (correct grammar I checked) has asked the age old question: What was I THINKING?? How could I have been so blind? Why did I miss the signs? Why did I marry that asshole?
To that I have come up with an answer; Thinking had nothing to do with it!
I don’t see why people continue to beat themselves up over this. Every single thing that involves dating, courtship and marriage hasn’t got a single thing to do with thinking. Brains get left at the curb in this transaction. And really they should.
We all fall in love.
We find we are head over heels for someone.
We become lost as a goose.
I can personally attest to the fact that the first time I saw CM as a young woman I very much lost my mind. (AWWWWW) I was consumed & not just in the lustful way although there is no denying that my 16 year-old mind was in the gutter a little bit. (God, I hope so..)
I believe that when we fall in love we aren’t supposed to be thinking. We aren’t conditioned or even expected to be thinking clearly while dealing with intense emotions like that. Maybe that is supposed to be the job of our family & friends, to help us think through our love haze (although I suspect that many of them hold back so that they get the free booze at the reception and the chance to gloat and say “ I told you it would never work.” Assholes.) But do we really want our friends to burst our love bubble or do we just hate them for it?
Still none of us should have had any expectation of any rationality when we made those marriages. Marriage vows contain words like love, honor, cherish.. not “after careful consideration and much weighing of the pro vs cons of this union including your tendency toward bossiness, I agree to make this a legal and lasting partnership”. I’m thinking that might be better personally…
At some point we fell in love, maybe made compromises so that what our hearts were telling us totally overrode any red flags that our brains were throwing up to us for consideration . We took a shot. We took chances and in some instances it didn’t work.
All this postmortem dissection of our failures can be very helpful of course, but in the long run let’s cut ourselves a little slack. In the end we tried, they sucked shit, and we are better off without them. Yes, let them take their pathology and douchebaggery to another unsuspecting soul up the road.
I greatly appreciate his thoughts here. You can also see his true romantic nature as he says words like, ‘heart’ when talking about love. That can be rare in the male species. As y’all can see, Al gets tired of the never ending postmortem on relationships. Maybe that is a man thing. I know he thinks I have to worry that thorn in my side (who shall be called Gilligan because he has an island) to death. But I can’t help it, it’s part of my healing.
I love Al.