Today’s post is by a dear friend of mine that I have called ‘Word Boy’ since 1981. (He worked on the H.S. newspaper!) He divorced several years ago and has been a source of support for me via email. His situation is very different from mine. You hear so many tales of badly behaved men (including STANLEY) that I thought it was only fair to give a member of the opposite sex a fair shake. He graciously agreed to write his experiences for us. My comments are in red!
The Cuckoo Momma has kindly offered to let me share my divorce & co parenting experience from the other side of the gender divide. I’m thinking poor Stanley was due for a breather. It’s hard to consistently suck I would imagine.
I was married for almost 20 years to the Bulldozer. We had three fantastic children, but it became readily apparent to me around year 15 that there was no way I was going to grow old with this woman. After many years of trying to attend to the things that would make her happy I found I was taken for granted, neglected emotionally and in constant competition with my ex. I was at the bottom of the totem pole in her universe & let me tell you the view wasn’t so hot! So I took charge & got out. I won’t give you the blow by blow, but this involved therapy, tears, anger, and resignation. Unlike Stanley, the Bulldozer did not have the acumen to see the writing on the wall.
Clearly, nesting of any kind was out of the question. Like the CM, I did resolve to do the very best for my children. Certainly some of you may feel that leaving was not in their best interests, but the environment in my house had become so toxic that it was unhealthy for all of us. My children have subsequently acknowledged this.
Now the Bulldozer suffers from what I will politely call a terminal case of self absorption. All events in life run first through the filter of her and the effect it will have on her. Often it is not about how something IS, but rather how it makes her LOOK. This has created a woman who is mean, petty, myopic, stubborn, and just plain fucking STOOPID!
That’s a technical term I got from a medical journal
I was at least able to get her to agree to a mediated divorce settlement. This played into another of her flaws which is cheap. I pay for the house, I pay the lion’s share of all our old debts, and we split our kid’s tuitions (two in private school & one in college). The price of freedom was high. I gladly paid it.
This also means I eat a lot of hot dogs these days!
Now the only thing that was never in dispute was the children. We have a basic visitation plan, but the fact is I can see my children whenever I wish. I pay for the mortgage on the house. It was important to me that my kids suffer as little disruption as possible. She works in healthcare & is often long gone when I come to pick up my children, a situation that makes me very happy.
(Maybe the CM can slip a happy monkey picture in here. I do love the monkeys).
OK! This is one happy monkey!
Although this may be more appropriate
|look closely! Monkey driving!|
Bulldozer has developed this mindset that the house is now her HOME & that I am not to set foot in it. I can respect this to a degree, but when I am showing up at 9AM on a Saturday morning to pick up two teenagers, and she is at work, you can bet your ass that they are NOT sitting on the stoop waiting for dad. I have to go in and get them. This makes the BD bat shit crazy.
BD: How would you feel if I just walked into YOUR home (single bedroom apt)?
ME: You don’t PAY for my home.
At which point she flies over the handle bars.
|like this? I really want to see!|
It’s her best look!
The plain fact of the matter is that I don’t even remotely like her any more. My divorce day was not a sad one. I didn’t grieve it and I was grateful to finally be able to be done with it. My ex failed to realize that a relationship needs to be attended to. I didn’t run with the pack or play cards three nights a week. I came home every night. I was supportive of her. There were years that she didn’t even acknowledge my birthday! In fact in therapy her biggest complaint about me was that I was too nice & said yes too often. A grave sin I know. When confronted with the fact that any time I did say no I was over run any way, she sputtered & stammered and repeated again that I was too nice. BD ain’t a fast thinker either.
Now the final straw came when she said that not only was I too nice, it was MY fault that she took advantage of my good nature. She stated that I had to excuse her because she didn’t really know how to love someone openly like I did. My only response, which left her speechless for the only time ever, was that I had been standing there in front of her for 20 years trying to show her how to love someone and that she never cared to look. (awwwwwwww, sweeeet)
Finally I realized that I deserved better than that. After that there was nothing left to do but draw up the paperwork.
So sorry that you went through the heartache of this. All I can say is that I am sure that the bulldozer is sorry that she let you get away! I can’t imagine that there are many people out there that say that their spouse’s biggest fault is that they are ‘too nice and say yes too often’. Wonder how much of that she will find on Match.com?
(I’m sure bitch is in a state of shock by now. I almost feel sorry for her!)
Thanks very much for contributing this and restoring our faith in men.