I am in my happy place! Actually I’m out of town. I had a work thingy and it was my days off after the weekend. So, I went on the lam! Drove out of Dodge. I did pass a rest stop where a woman was walking a goat. WTF? I enjoyed it though.It is interesting to get out of my little mecca life, of seeing people not in a good place, and kids and PTA and go into a place where people are wearing suits and there are hot men everywhere.
And the fun thing, is I’m starting to feel happy I’m deeevorced.
I was thinking last night as I was watching people dance and swill drinks, accidentally smiling at a really hot male that was smiling back (YES, THAT CAN HAPPEN DAMN IT), that this ain’t all bad. There is life out there. I just have to change my mindset. Yes, I miss the security of being married. I am horribly worried about money. But I guess most recently divorced people are.
I have a fear of being seen as pathetic. Maybe I feel pathetic myself because people probably don’t think of me that way. I have people messaging me and emailing me and telling me how strong they think I am. Like this, “You are a strong and confident woman, you will be fine!”. Well, I don’t feel so strong and confident. But I am starting to feel happier and like there may be life out there for me after all.
And ssshhhh, but, I haven’t cried in like 2 weeks.
(oh, Shit, I’m sure I just jinxed the hell out of myself)
Hissy Fit Girl will be back by noon after I said that.
I just want to be happy again. I want to feel carefree occasionally again. I want to feel like a successful person again rather than a big stupid failure.
ABOUT THE BIRDNESTING
I think it is so great for the kids, which is of course why I am still subjecting myself to it, but it is hard on me. And I’m sure it is hard on Stanley. It is hard not to feel the sadness and shame and failure when you are seeing it come through the door so often. It is hard to feel the ‘sense of self’ come back, which must come back when you go through a divorce, when so much is the same.
All of that said, on Saturday night, the kids and I went out to dinner with friends. While at the restaurant, we ran into an acquaintance from school who was there with his kids. My kids are aware that these children, who have been in their class for years, have parents who are divorced and clearly they were spending the weekend with Dad in his apartment. On the way home the children were a bit quiet and my oldest hugged me. He said he was glad he didn’t have to go to an apartment for the weekend.
So, in conclusion, this is going to have to get a whole lot harder on me for me to abandon the nesting at this time. Hoping Stanley feels the same. No idea, since we don’t talk.
But, I have to say, Stanley must have had a come to Jesus moment, because he worked in the yard all weekend! He was off and everything. He came over both days and did yard work. Maybe that
sign was mocking his lazy ass. That grass was inching closer and closer to crack high again. I was finding myself reaching for the purse brick every day that I pulled in and it wasn’t done. Because in the mean time of course I was going on with all the household chores.Birdnesting would be easier if we could afford a full time housekeeper and gardener. There would be much less resentment between us I’m sure.
So, heading out to my day away. Wish me luck! Maybe I’ll get lucky!!