Yes, I’m turning 50.
(I am only going to use gifs of people who are also turning 50 this year in this post.)
I’m turning 50 in 44 days, but who’s counting?
So, I’m turning 50. So what? It fucking sucks, that’s what. This is bullshit. Turning 40 didn’t bother me. I had a busy job, 2 little kids and I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. I celebrated my 40th birthday with morning sickness. But because of that, I didn’t feel old. How could I feel old when I was pregnant? But 50? That is something else entirely.
No matter what my optimist boyfriend (who will also be 50 this next year) says, there is no universe in which 50 is not middle aged. I am middle aged, and that is if I live to be 100 years old, which I doubt because I do not have old people genes. My longest living grandparent died at 74.
How did this even happen? Time passes so quickly. I swear it feels like I am still a kid in my brain. I remember my grandmother saying that when she was in her last year of life and dying of congestive heart failure, she said, “I still think like I did when I was young, but my body got old.” What a mind fuck time is. It is a mind fuck I tell you.
A friend of mine and I were texting today about some stupid woman that I need to unfriend on FB because #1. We aren’t really friends and I don’t like her much and #2. Everything she says offends me. We determined that she thinks she knows everything because she is 40. By the time you are 50, you know you don’t know shit. Plus everyone else knows you don’t know shit, especially your kids.
If you don’t believe me, you are still 40.
(I know, I know, when you are 40 you are sure you know everything, trust me on this.)
It was just a few days ago that I had my big realization that I am going to be 50 in 44 days. I freaked out and stomped around the house. My kids were trying to console me and saying that 50 was not old. Then the little one nailed me. She said,
“I sure hope I’m married when I’m 50, Mommy.”
I said, “I hope that for you too, little one.”
This weekend I have been off kid duty and have been alone in my misery to consider how I am going to cross over into my 50’s, as well as binge watch Orange is the New Black. I may throw myself a party and just embrace the shit out of being 50. I’m thinking of inviting people from all walks of my life, having Al come in, letting people bring kids (since I want my kids there on my birthday this year since last year they were in England), just keep it low key, a making margaritas kind of fun. I want to laugh as I turn 50. That is my goal. And maybe dance a little.
I may even twerk. Just to prove I still can.
** In the writing of this article I did encounter a whole other boat load of celebrities that are also turning 50 this year, i.e. Teri Hatcher, Melissa Gilbert, Russell Crowe, Wynona Judd, Calista Flockhart, Janeane Garofalo, David Spade, John Lequizamo, Courtney Love, Eddie Vedder (still hot), Lenny Kravitz (still hot), Stephen Colbert (LOVE), Elle MacPherson, Wanda Sykes and about a billion more. We were a big graduating class, apparently. Now we are all old. Sucks.