When you bad mouth your ex, aren’t you saying more about yourself than you are them?
I don’t particularly favor my ex, either one of them. I’m not saying either of them is bad, that would be just an opinion, anyway. I’m not saying either of them is good, back to an opinion. I’m saying that when I go to pick up the phone to ask a friend out for a drink or a game of cards neither of my exes is on my list. This is not a bad thing, we just didn’t make it as friends any more than we did as a couple.
I didn’t love either of my exes during the time we were going through our divorces. In fact, I had fallen out of love at least two years prior to ending either of my nuptials but stuck it out to give it all I had. I still fouled up and so did they. It was a two-way street and it will remain that way. I think it is safe to say they would both admit to that…I think. I don’t know, we don’t talk about our failed relationships and why would we?
In much the same way that I don’t talk about those relationships, I don’t bad mouth either of those individuals, publicly. Oh, sure, privately, when I am flustered, frustrated or just plain upset I vent to my closest friends and family. Their opinions are not changed by my experiences; they just sit, listen and offer up another angle when they know I need it. But, when it comes to casual conversations, being out in public or, god forbid, on social media or just, in general, I don’t talk negatively about my exes. I also don’t listen when others do.
So, why don’t I grab hold of every opportunity to provide my ex with some negative PR? Why don’t I spill my guts concerning a relationship that didn’t work? What keeps me from using social media to make me feel better or maybe even “warn” another? Keep reading; I’ll explain.
5 Reasons I don’t bad mouth my ex publicly.
1. It attracts the wrong kind of people, the kind that also talk poorly about others. Bad mouth-ers draw in other bad mouth-ers and eventually, that is all you do and not just about the exes but anyone and everyone. And you are no more immune from it than anyone else.
2. People that are not close to you don’t ask questions for an in-depth response. It is uncomfortable to hear about how the ex cheated on you with the nanny or your best friend or that your spouse had a gambling problem or was abusive. It is tough to know how to respond to that without feeling the need to let you verbally vomit personal details, details that make others want to walk away. Face it, most don’t want to know the details and by sharing all your doing is making them uncomfortable.
3. One of the scariest things about ending a relationship or marriage is the numerous secrets that person takes away about YOU! Talking crap about the ex may be a way to proactively strike as a means of defending yourself; however, your ex trusts you with those secrets and while your trust may have been betrayed getting even is not the answer. While it may be tempting to betray him it just enables negativity and fighting. Keep his quirky personality ticks or bed wetting tails to yourrself no one cares or needs to know, anyway.
4. Talking poorly about him may actually reveal more about your character than his. Just think about that for a moment. If he is a sleaze he doesn’t need your help to prove it, he will handle that on his own. Maintain your own reputation and leave his isolated.
5. The more you talk poorly about your ex the more you are going to live in the past. If the relationship is over then grieve it and move on. When you talk bad about your ex you are likely to give the impression that you might be holding on. Instead of using the efforts to talk badly about your ex, utilize them to focus on growing and learning about yourself.
Without a doubt, there is pain and heartache resulting from the end of a relationship but you don’t have to let it be an anchor. Sometimes, it’s easier said than done especially when you discover or suspect your ex is the one doing the “talking”. If he is the one running his mouth remember the list above applies to him as well.
As hard as it may be, take the high road and be the example for others to follow. This allows you the freedom to focus on you and not wrapped up in a relationship that doesn’t exist. If you are engrossed on talking about your ex you might miss the new guy right around the corner – don’t let a lifelong opportunity pass you by because of a few minutes of verbal garbage. Bite your lip and shine your brighter light!
You can do it!