It has been a little over 15 months since it occurred to me that I needed to escape.
That staying with a controlling, and psychologically abusive person was harming my kids more in the long run, than the effects of leaving and starting a whole new life would.
That maybe, just maybe, if I had the strength to endure this treatment for so many years, that I could find the strength to leave.
And so I left.. or started the grueling process of leaving.
Over a year later the most common question I’ve been asked, “Why did you stay?”
So for those of you that have never been in a relationship like this one, that sadly so many of us have been, I thought I would try to answer that burning question.
Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship
Many assume it is simply the idea of breaking up a family that keeps us in the cycle of abuse. But I am here to say .. no… that is not what made me stay.
Forgive me as my ability to express myself in writing has never been my strong suit.. but here goes.
We stay because we have been controlled and manipulated to believe that we have no other viable options. There are often elements of financial control among a lot of other seemingly simple reasons that keep us in “it”. But they are not simple…not simple at all.
I can only speak on my own behalf here but I suspect that others will be able to relate on some level.
Poor self-worth. Fear. The belief deep down, from years of damage, that we are not worthy of anything better. That we are not strong enough, on our own, to provide for ourselves and/ our kids. Our identity has been slowly taken away, piece by piece until we no longer know who we are, what we want, and most importantly, what we are capable of.
It began for me as small bits of mind control that left me dependent and uncertain.
It got so deeply ingrained into my subconscious mind that I was not good enough or strong enough. These small acts that I endured on a daily basis reaffirmed, in my damaged and vulnerable mind, exactly what my abuser wanted me to feel. Doubtful, scared, and unworthy.
But because each of these small bits of exposure are just that.. small.. especially at first… it became the norm for me. I forgot how to challenge my own thoughts. Forgot how my own beautiful intuition worked. The supposed “red flags” people warned me about. I was made to feel those were endearing ways that my abuser used to show his love. My value slowly changed .. it became based on pleasing my abuser as opposed to rocking the boat.
My own “gut” feeling was slowly reprogrammed to accept that this was love and totally normal.
Each incident, each cycle, that often ended with a “honeymoon” phase of attention, affection, and a brief break from the actual abuse, told me that I must be crazy to feel this was wrong. That he loved me, look at all he is doing to show me his love.
This is all part of the game of control.
The words of affirmation that came in those moments were used to fuck up my instincts. To make me convince myself that I must be wrong. And hence..”gut”, “intuition”, “red flags” were all my own broken thoughts. That there is no way that this could be bad when he clearly loves me soooo much. WRONG!!
Bit by bit the small bits became bigger bits. Looking in, looking back now from a safe and happy place, I can see that. But in those years and years that I endured this, when I thought I was becoming stronger I was actually becoming more and more used to this abuse. It became so normal and routine that it no longer even felt concerning. It was just how love worked.
In fact, if it was slightly muted because maybe he was distracted by a new job or business, it felt weird and uncomfortable for me. So then I would try harder to please and conform and seek the abuse and control that was slowly killing me on the inside because it was how I thought love was meant to be shown.
Abuse became my love language.
Insane right? How could that be? Well, friends, that is how it works. Manipulation and control slowly eat away at your soul until it no longer is your own soul at all.
In a strange twist of events, it finally occurred to me one day when my young child was verbally abusive and disrespectful and I thought to myself “how dare you treat another human, especially your mom, this way. Where do you get off thinking this is okay?”
OMG .. somewhere inside of me the “fight or flight” mode that humans are wired with, but abuse victims are rewired to deactivate, was switched back on. How on earth could I have been so stupid to not see what had been happening all these years until this very moment? And what the actual fuck do I do about it now that I have children, absolutely no financial control, and no self-esteem or self-worth.
I am the lucky one. The one that is surrounded by caring and loving friends and family. The one that finally found the strength to realize that the “how” and “when” didn’t matter anymore. Only the “why” mattered now. Why I had to get the fuck out is the “why” that I mean.
Some of us are not so lucky.
Some of us may never have an “aha moment” that triggers that fight or flight mode back into action. The programming that is done day after day, year after year, is so damn hard to breakthrough. Some of us are not surrounded by loving and caring friends and family that we know will help us pick up the pieces of our broken lives and put them back together. Some of us are not so lucky, and that type of abuse turns into physical violence, and we feel even more trapped and damaged and afraid.
ALL of us need to remember that we never can tell what goes on behind closed doors. That one simple and kind gesture might be enough to show the “unlucky” one the real, kind, caring love that they deserve and be the switch flipper they need to reactivate fight or flight mode.
To this day I am struggling with uncovering more and more ways that this abuser scarred me. I am easily triggered, it is hard for me to know what real and healthy love and relationships feel like. It has been HARD AS FUCK to remember the fierce, confident, self-assured, smart, in control of her own thoughts, independent, and brave woman that used to live in this body.
So thank you to those that put up with my pushing them away year after year, and thank you to those that never gave up on that woman that was hiding away inside that scared and abused mind, and thank you to those that have pushed me to see my potential, and thank you to those that have shown me what true healthy love should feel like and look like, and thank you to those that remind me that I am worth it, and thank you to those that do not give up on me and my kids because they know we deserve to be surrounded by loving and caring and supportive people, and thank you to those that kick my ass on days that I forget all of this took so much fucking strength that getting through the rest of life should be a breeze in comparison.
I will tell you that it takes more courage and strength to leave and to find that woman again than it did to endure that abuse year after year. I will also tell you that if any tiny part of this feels like your life, you are fucking worth it, and if I can do it, you can too.
You may not feel that you represent yourself well in writing but I’m here to tell you, you NAILED it!! I can relate to every single point you made. Thank you for sharing your story.
Wow, thank you so much LisaMarie.
It means so much to me that this is relatable. Of course I am sorry that you are in a position of finding this relatable and I wish you healing and recovery and for you to see the worthiness you deserve. Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and comment. Find joy in your journey and all the best.
Kristen Victor
Wow, I can relate. I just left a marriage that was showing these warning signs. It had only been 3 1/2 months and my gut kept telling me something wasn’t right but I just thought it was me!!! I should’ve paid attention to the red flags when my husband himself told me he is needy and very good at playing games. It hurts right now but I know it would only have hurt a lot worse had I stayed.
I’d probably subscribe, but I’ve heard enough of the F word and don’t need to hear it from someone trying to help me..it’s a trigger of verbal abuse coming from stbx
I too endure a narcissist’s control and coercion for years while my son was young, partly through disbelief and shame, partly through mind control, and of course the huge economic challenge of being a single parent with no support. I would warn anyone trying to leave that, although this makes sense on a personal level, you will still have a fight with a divorce and years of shared child care. You will probably not get maintenance, your children will have all sorts of alienation and lies fed to them, you will be messed about and maligned at every turn with holidays/school/expenses/travel you name it. The control and coercion will simply continue in different formats and you will still suffer unfairly. My son is now 18 but he was withheld from me for 3 long awful years illegally by the father. I could not face yet more legal action after being dragged through the courts for a decade, no divorce settlement, no support only hostility and aggression. I went into chronic depression and myself and my son are now in therapy and both unwell. It is a long road to freedom…
Your story reflects so many of our own …your resiliency shines through with every painful word you wrote… thank you for sharing your bravery ….. personally speaking , others’ stories were empowering to me when I was faced with the big decision to end this cycle of abuse, control , lying and cheating. Empowering words empower others !
Your amazing. Uou spoke eloquently. I can totally relate on everything you have spoken. O jist left my soon to be ex back in kuly. Hes still harrassing me im hoing to have to change my phone number. I was irritated like ive taken this mans abuse for 27 years now o have to change my # because hes not mature enough tp control his urges. Oh well. I feel liberated. I feel free. Im feeling peace again hopefully once i change my # i will have absolute peace.Thank you for this article #confirmation Tracey
I did nearly 25 years in a marriage with a covert narcissist. It wasn’t until the final year that I recognized just how broken I had become and it took me six full months to finally get out after that. Because of the financial abuse. Because of the fear of him and of my own lack of confidence. There is nothing greater though than being armed with knowledge because learning about emotional abuse and covert narcissism changed everything. I’m now just a few months over 2 years abuse free and in a happy, loving and stable relationship that helps me to recognize even more clearly just how bad it had gotten. Unfortunately my oldest child, now 27, has modeled himself after my ex husband.
I just finished reading, and it’s like you were telling me my own story. I can’t even put into words how validating and meaningful this is to me. I’m hard into finding myself again and regaining my autonomy, and I’ve made great progress! If you can do it, I can, too. Thank you so much. (And every “fuck” was well placed and – I KNOW – well earned.)
Here I thought I was the only one that suffered at the hands of a CONTROL FREAK.
He made me alienate myself from my Family & my friends. In doing that, it left me Extremely Vulnerable to his CONTROL.
I am disabled & he used that to his ADVANTAGE. He took total control of me & my Finances.
After ALL THE ABUSE, I found out he was cheating on me, & had been for 3 years.
He took my SS DISABILITY settlement money, $60 grand, & spent it on her.
Leaving me penniless, he destroyed my credit. And He took my Lexus..that I paid for, & gave it to his girlfriend.
To say I’m bitter is an understatement!!
But I am finally trying to find myself again.
It’s stI’ll fresh, we go to court July 6th to see why he hadn’t paid me ANY ALIMONY.
IF anyone has gone thru this, I would love any advice or suggestions.
Oh how I wish i could go back 30 years and know what I know now.
me too! 30 years. I’m trying to get out, taking the steps needed, figuring it out. And I’m broken and still have so much healing to do. I worry for my kids. If I had only left when they were younger. At that time, I made the decision that I thought was right for the “family” but now I know better.
I can relate to what you went through as I just divorced a malignant narcissist alcoholic ex husband. Throughout our marriage He became Increasingly verbally
And physically abusive, made constant death threats,Cheating ( giving me lifelong dangerous stds), negligent ,and abandoned the family many times ..at one time moving out leaving me with three young children under 2,5,8 alone for months while he ran off suddenly with no notice with a married co worker saying he was moving away to San Francisco he didn’t want to be a dad anymore leaving us with no money Destitute
Scared and so so traumatized
He would always verbally and physically rage, gaslight, deny, Pathologically lie, blameshift, project all of his uncovered guilt and shame back onto me or one of my children as his easy target or skapegoat and run away playing the victim smear campaigning my name spreading lies and conspiracy theories about me
To everyone including my children in his constant sadistic efforts to triangulate,demonize , alienate , and destroy me because I uncovered his true self
The raising and care of my children was all left up to me as he was never (unless I forced him )….present (especially emotionally),involved ,concerned, prioritized, or cared about their welfare as they are as he yelled out many times “burdens, in his way , and coattail riders”on his self serving destructive reckless life he lives for himself .He sure did master the performance of being “The father or husband of the year “ to his manipulated audience drinking his koolaid.taking credit for all of my parenting as a single mom
He coercively controls his trauma bonded children who also have abuse amnesia
He only views them as objects and pawns to use as skapegoats and manipulates them to have transactional conditional relationships with him They are discarded or cast to side when they are no use to him
everything is his way or no way , he is right everyone else is wrong and morons in his fantasy world he is the center of. In his delusional paranoid mind he is always the victim against the enemies of the world out to get him, that everything is a competition for him to win at all costs so he diabolically plots and plans to counter parents , maligns, undermines, and sabotages all my efforts at being the best mom and person I can to my children as I’m the one looking out for their best interests and welfare
I sadly discovered that I married a calculated malevolent sadistic evil person
My worst nightmare
My worst enemy
A wolf in sheep’s clothing
I can’t tell you how nice it was to read this and know that someone can articulate the complex and multi-faceted ways that the abuser changes a women. My abuse ended when my husband finally attempted to take my life but I know now God was doing for me what I wouldn’t do on my own. I had totally become lost and ashamed and didn’t even recognize myself. They truly do take part of your soul. It’s been several years since I got away from my abuser and I’ve learned that I can’t continue to try and be the person I was prior to the abuse because it changed me.. but, I can relearn who I am and figure out what are my priorities in life now. I go to therapy for severe PTSD and I am getting better. It’s slow but I see progress finally! I want to let any woman that feels they will never recover from their abuse to never give up and understand that you may feel that you should just snap back and become like the actresses in a movie that are so strong right away and do big and amazing things.. Domestic abuse is not simply being hit or yelled at.. we have been through a systemic brainwashing and soul stealing that is soo multi-faceted that it is impossible to understand for anyone that has not been through it. The author of this article spoke of her children beginning to feel it was okay to abuse her too. My son was in high school and became abusive to me also and I felt that I deserved it. He does not associate with me and aligns himself with my abuser to this day. I don’t chase after him any longer and refuse to let pick up where my ex left off. I am close with my daughter and I am feeling hope, but it has taken some rough times an patience and compassion to myself. So.. don’t ever give up! There is hope! Thank you for writing this article because I really needed to feel like I wasn’t alone in this fight!
Thank you for writing this, it feels like I have written it. It gives us the strength to follow in your footsteps and find myself again, not only for me but for my children. They need to see they have a kickass Mum who does not put up with abuse for herself or for them, I am working on my boundaries!