Being in an intimate relationship with a narcissist can be dreadful but leaving and establishing your own life is often a daunting task. It’s important to think logically and to map out your moves rather than letting your emotions guide you.
There are certain circumstances where it’s unwise to stay in an intimate relationship with a narcissist. For the most part, people leave a narcissistic partner or divorce him because they feel unsafe or abused in the relationship. In other words, the person with narcissism threatened them and/or their children’s safety, security, or well-being. Coming out from the shadow of this type of toxic dynamic can take time and survivors can use strategies to draw from.
By definition, a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) feels entitled to certain privileges and their sense of entitlement may make them prone to punishing partners and/or children who don’t show them respect, admiration or attention. So one of the main aspects of recovering from a partnership with a narcissist is setting firm boundaries and protecting yourself and your children. Keep in mind, that a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) lacks empathy or concern for others so you can’t expect them to negotiate fairly or to keep your children’s best interests in mind.
In most cases, trying to co-parent cooperatively or have an amicable relationship with an ex who has NPD is problematic and not a realistic expectation because they’re so focused on themselves and their needs. According to family therapist Virginia Gilbert, MFT, attempts to co-parent with a narcissist will keep you engaged in a battle. She writes: “Targets of high-conflict personalities need to accept that it isn’t wise to be “authentic” with their ex. Strategic, limited disclosures and iron-clad boundaries are essential in managing a high-conflict divorce.”
Before you learn specific steps to recovering from a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to assess the degree of their narcissism and whether it is what author Wendy Behary LCSW refers to as “perilous narcissism.” In her acclaimed book Disarming the Narcissist Behary describes this type of narcissist as unremorseful and devoid of a moral compass – as having a complete disregard and contempt for others. She writes, “There are certain circumstances where an intimate relationship with a narcissist isn’t worth fighting for, even if you have the leverage. The narcissist may even be a threat to your (and your children’s) security, safety, and stability.”
Further, perilous or abusive narcissists may offer excuses for their behavior, but they’ll never show remorse so don’t let yourself be won over by apologies. Another distinguishing characteristic of people with NPD is that they have an inflated sense of entitlement and self-esteem unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. This may cause them to feel jealous or easily threatened by you or their children showing attention or affection to others.
According to Behary, safety should be your first and foremost priority when dealing with a “perilous narcissist” – especially if their threats are increasing and they are violent or explosive. It’s best not to be alone with them. If your ex is perpetually verbally or emotionally abusive and becomes more callous or menacing, you have to decide to put the safety of yourself and your children first and come up with an exit strategy if they become explosive.
When in recovery from being in a relationship with someone with NPD, you are wise to put the focus on yourself and healing. It’s important not blame yourself. According to author Tracy Schorn, when you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve been used to focusing externally – on the alert for what they are going to do next. She writes, “You have to learn again to focus only on what you have the power to control – namely, your own behavior.” Once you leave the toxic relationship, you need to regain your confidence and take charge of your life! This process won’t be easy but is possible with a willingness to work on changing your approach and using the strategies outlined below:
5 Steps to help you recover from a relationship with a narcissist:
1. Focus on the only thing you can control – your behavior!
You alone are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t be persuaded by your ex to do something that you’re uncomfortable with just to keep the peace. Adopt a business-like “Just the facts, ma’am” style of communicating with him/her.
2. Set boundaries and minimize contact with your ex.
High-conflict personalities thrive on the possibility of combat. So be prepared and write a script to use when talking to them and try to stick with it, using as few words as possible. For instance, if they try to persuade you to reunite, say something like: “I tried to make this relationship work. Nothing has changed and it’s not healthy for us to stay together. I wish you well.”
3. Don’t express genuine emotion to your ex or apologize for wrongdoing in the relationship.
If your ex is a perilous or abusive narcissist, they might interpret your apology as proof of your incompetence and use it against you, according to Virginia Gilbert, MFT.
4. Don’t tolerate denigrating or abusive behavior from your ex and be sure that you and your children feel safe.
This might mean having a close friend or family member on hand when you talk to your former partner. If you plan for the worst (and don’t expect that your ex will have moved on or be caring) you’ll be less likely to be blindsided by his/her attempts to control or get back at you. Be sure to save all abusive emails and text messages.
5. Make sure you have plenty of support from a lawyer, friends, family, and therapist.
Therapists who utilize cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are usually the most successful in dealing with survivors of a relationship with a person with NPD. Be sure to ask a therapist if they have experience with this treatment method and NPD.
It’s essential to let go of feeling overly responsible and to stop putting your needs last at the expense of your own happiness. It’s not uncommon for people with codependent traits to be attracted to narcissists. According to codependency expert Ross Rosenberg and the author of The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, “Codependents – who are giving and consumed with the needs and desires of others – do not know how to emotionally disconnect from romantic relationships with individuals who are narcissistic—individuals who are self-centered, controlling, and harmful to them.”
If that’s the case, discussing ways to set boundaries with your ex in your counseling sessions will prevent you from engaging in a toxic, self-defeating pattern of relating to you ex in the future (or a new partner) and prevent you from giving up your personal power.
In closing, it’s crucial that you take an honest look at the impact your ex’s behaviors and the dynamics in your relationship are having on you and possibly your children. Once you accept that you can only control your own behavior – not a person with NPD – your life will greatly improve. After all, you deserve to have a life filled with love and happiness! Go for it!
FAQs On Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse:
How to deal with a violent narcissist?
Be very concerned about your safety if you believe you are dealing with a violent narcissist. You should research, understand the risk involved, and try not to be alone in a violent narcissist’s company. Find out what help is available in your home state against violence, and have an escape plan ready for yourself and your children in case things get out of hand.
Will an abusive narcissist change for his wife and kids?
There are no precedents to support the assumption that a narcissist will change for the sake of his wife and kids. Narcissists learn the art of manipulation from an early age, and cannot survive without making other people suffer.
How do people with NPD behave?
People with NPD behave as if they are superior to others and are entitled to use others to their advantage or benefit. They execute their tactics to manipulate others with surgical precision, and get upset when their wives and children show what they deem disrespect.
How best to talk to a narcissist?
Have your talking points ready when you talk to a narcissist and use as few words as possible to communicate your message. The lesser you talk, the better it would be for you because narcissists thrive on arguments.
Do survivors of a relationship with a narcissist need therapy?
Survivors of a relationship with a narcissist need therapy to begin to live like normal human beings again. Survivors of a relationship with a narcissist feel overly responsible and put their needs last at the cost of their own happiness. Therapists who utilize cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are usually the most successful in dealing with survivors of a relationship with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
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More from Terry
- Reclaiming Personal Power: Breaking Free Of The “Approval Trap”
- 5 Signs You Are Settling For Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship
- Surviving a Narcissistic Partner
- Learn to Love Yourself and Find Inner Peace
These tips emphasize boundaries, which are very important with narcissists. Boundaries emanate from our relationship with ourselves – that’s what needs to be developed. Dealing with a narcissist or recovering from a relationship with one entails recovery from codependency – recovering OURSELVES. I would add that in many cases, it’s appropriate to let go of any guilt you have or an illusion that he or she will either forgive you or take responsibility for his or her part. Narcissists generally hold onto self-righteousness to avoid shame and any responsibiity for their behavior.
Darlene Lancer, LMFT Author of “Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You” www.whatiscodependency.com
Hello Darlene, Thanks for your comment! I agree that the focus of recovery needs to be on your own healing and letting go of unrealistic expectations that your ex will take responsibility for their behavior. Finding a counselor who has experience in NPD and co-dependency can be very beneficial for the person recovering from narcissistic abuse.
Regards,
Terry
Hello Darlene, Thanks for your comments! I agree that it’s important to focus on your own recovery and to have realistic expectations of your ex. For instance, it’s best not to expect them to take repsonsibility for their behavior. Finding a therapist who has experience with NPD and co-dependency is also very beneficial for the person recovering from narcissistic abuse.
Regards, Terry
Thank you for such a great article, Terry. My ex has Asperger’s (Asperger’s = narcissism) and is still an absolute nightmare to deal with even a year after our divorce. What is so frustrating is that these guys are master manipulators and take on a victim role in court not ever displaying their true side as we know them. The emotional abuse that we endure is huge but hard for the courts to see or empathize with as opposed to physical abuse. I look forward to a day when the courts will acknowledge how damaging this behavior is to us and especially our kids that are used more than ever as a tool to “get back at us” for not wanting to be with them. I feel as though I am forever going to have to deal with his cruel ways and as he always says… “You wanted it this way; not me”.
Omg this is soo true! I totally agree with you! I am currently going through this and the whole court experience. They are pist off bc they are soo used to having things go thier way! And when we stand up for ourselves they feel threatened..so the only way to get back at us is by using our children.. Acting like they really want “time with the kids” its peer BS!! I was getting sucked in about 1 month ago. They are really good actors!!!!!!! Should win an emmy award! They say things like if they really mean it! But once you know that they’re peer BS, you can see right through them and they’re lies! Just always look at their face/eyes when they talk to you and it looks all playful and fake! Stay strong girl! They know what they’re doing! And know how to manipulate us right back in and know how to conquere women! (Take them to the beach,but them expensive things,take them to vacations,drilling psychologiclly in their heads,bringing you down the stars and the moon) be careful!! They know what works for women!!!
Aspergers very definitely does not equal narcissism, that is a total insult to all autistic people 🙁 I am on the autistic spectrum and I have been badly smashed in a narcissistic relationship, many of us are damaged by them. To arbitrarily say that Aspergers = narcissism is so wrong because you may have had a bad relationship with someone with autism, and I am sorry that you had to suffer any abuse, but please don’t label a whole community because you had a bad experience. People with Aspergers are like all others, they are not all the same, they have different aspects to their personalities but they see things differently. Many are very loving individuals make excellent parents and form long lasting relationships.
I’m not so sure aspergers always equals narcissism. Your ex may be both but others I’ve met on the autistic spectrum are far kinder. My ex didn’t have aspergers but he was still quite narcissistic.The love bombing at the beginning is what I’d watch out for.
Cindy, You are welcome and I’m glad my article was helpful! You sound like you have quite a challenge and I recommend Wendy Bethary’s book “Disarming the Narcissist.”
Warm Regards,
Terry
I have been divorced from a narcissist for 10 years and still have to deal with his repeatedly abusive emails, texts and worst of all the attempts at manipulating our child. He has taken me to court 4 times over custody. Each time I have won. However, the emotional roller coaster does not end. I have learned to not expect him to act reasonably or even rationally. Once I did that it has been easier to not be sucked in to trying to defend myself daily from all his lies. Boundaries are very important. I do not communicate with him except through email that way I have a record of what has been said. Also, I think it is important for the children to be in counseling to deal with the high level of manipulation that they will endure. I have found that being divorced from a narcissist is very expensive both monitairily and emotionally, but is well worth it to have your own sanity back!
Hi Janelle,
Thanks for your response and tips! You are so right – a relationship with a person who is a narcissist doesn’t end with the divorce. It’s key to have realistics expectations and to set good boundaries. I love the fact that you have your children in counseling so they can have a healthy take on your situation and not blame themselves.
Regards,
Terry
Thanks so much for your article on Narcissism.
Did not realise until I read your article that I was married to one – for 20 years.
I filed for divorce and he dragged the process out for 7 years. He threw every curveball in the book, making the divorce a ‘fultime’ occupation for me. Was really hard for me as I held a very demanding position at work.
After the final divorce order, it did not stop. He then appealed the matter. My energy levels were at an alltime low. It was a divorce process all over again. I did not pursue the matter as I decided to focus on my personal wellbeing instead. According to the court order, I was entitled to a substantial financial settlement. He clearly appealed the matter in an attempt to further ‘control’ me.
He passed away in November 2015. I now have to lodge a claim against his estate. Appears there is not enough cash in the estate to pay me the total due to me because of him having led quite a lavish lifestyle.
What saddens me is that my two adult daughters (aged 30 and 34) have now turned against me!
Thanks for posting your article and giving me the necessary insight into the narcissistic world that I (unknowingly) occupied for the past 35 years.
What a great article. I agree with it totally. I always put myself last and it reassures me that it is time to start putting myself first. Narcissistic people are not people who are nice people. They want to engage in conversation and they want to put you down, lower your self esteem and take away your confidence. You cannot do that, you have to stay strong and this is what helps you get through. You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other each and every day, you do this for yourself and for your children. You set your boundaries, you stay factual and you stay true to yourself and your beliefs.
Hi, I’m glad my article was helpful to you. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Keep up the good work!
Best,
Terry
I found this quite helpful for me, I have been in therapy for several years now and, I am trying to divorce just that type of person. He is giving me a difficult time. It also seems I have a hard time getting my lawyer to understand the situation. So I am the only one in this divorce who is trying to get it done.
Going through the same thing- Filed around the same time as you- all the abuse is in e-mails, facebook posts and text messages. My lawyer ignores it and has done very little to move this process to the Final Decree. So I started 2018 with the resolve to get this to court-Cause i need to be able to move forward- as you know with narcissist; their not reasonable. He has every asset we own and won’t budge at all-I left in the middle of the night with my kids and there things. Running from his threats with weapons. My Lawyer wouldn’t help and the police said there was nothing they could do. So I got a new Lawyer to start out 2018 ! Recommended from an abuse shelter. Hope this year goes better than the torment endured in 2017. Please Hanging in there; others are in your same boat!
I feel your pain. My divorce began in Sept 2015, and is still going on! It’s ridiculous how the court system is so unprepared to deal with these toxic narcissists. I have cooperated with every turn and yet he manages to play the system to his advantage. My kids and I are in this weird holding pattern of uncertainty about this situation. These lawyers and judges don’t seem to care that they are playing with people’s lives.
I wanted a baby, but my husband did not. He had two kids with his first wife and said I was trying to cram a baby down his throat. He had to marry his first wife because she was pregnant. He gets upset if one of my children from another marriage says something derrogatory about me. I don;t understand how he can be this way.
Your article about being with a NPD is so exact. I have been in divorce proceedings for over THREE years. Having him removed from our home and going no contact, to help my children and I heal. We are no contact except through attorneys. I believe the court system is not prepared to deal with these toxic narcissists. We are in a strange holding pattern as my ex plays all kinds of games and tries to turn things around, to try to get back at me.
what about us men? We need advice as well. lost my home and everything getting away from the abuse. Medical pros told me to get out. VA Drs. told me to tell her and her son fuck you have a nice life. My life was ruined. I even went into depression and wanted to die.
Everything I worked for is gone. my retirement home with a fishing dock. Now i live in a basement. My son took my business because I became a drunk after 35 years of being sober. Self destruct mode.
She moved in her son that always had to be top dog. Big man. If he didn’t think he new more than me he knew someone that did. would say’and that’s a quote from some engineering firm’ or something like that. He was delusional with straight out of mental hospital. He is psychotic and narcissitic/megalomaniac.I had two of them.
It took her until noon every day to get made up every morning in front of mirror. Our day would start at 1;00 PM. Temper tantrums would blow up like a child. To get her, way wound to tight. Didn’t take much. Her brother on his death bed ask me how I could take it. Said he couldn’t do it. Go figure he only lived 4 more days.
I was abused it was a toxic situation and it harmed me.
We have been divorced 5 years and she still says ” I didn’t do anything wrong”. Blames me because I was a drunk.
I am a disabled combat vet USMC/Vietnam. I have PTSD and this thing made me go to VA hospital on suicide watch. 30 days. Her son liked to tell me I didn’t do anything in war. I’m lucky to be alive. I served in 1968 the worst of it. We were on the DMZ. TET and Khe Sanh. No respect from their kind.
I have to say that all the VA help and pills don’t do much. Even the shrinks that VA had me see with veteran choice in private sector. What works with PTSD and all the mal-adaptive coping skills (substance abuse: booze, dope and prono). is Celebrate Recovery at our local community church. God has quieted my heart with his love. I have many sins to bring up and work on. I may make it yet.
Oh yah I can’t retire she gets my social sec. check for alimony.