As long as you are in any type of relationship with a narcissist, you can bet the only person who will benefit from that relationship is the narcissist.
I’ve been accused, in the past, of being “disloyal” to my ex-husband when I write about my experiences with him either during the marriage or since the divorce. What some fail to realize is that when you experience divorcing a narcissist feelings of support and allegiance toward that person are hard to come by, if not impossible.
Any loyalty I owed my ex flew out the window the day he walked away from his family. I have no sense of loyalty toward a person who left me in a truly untenable position with two children to care for and no concern for how his conduct impacted his children or me, their mother. Plus, why would anyone who takes a scorched-earth attitude toward those who loved him think he has the right to claim the protection of confidentiality?
I have to admit though that it took time for me to realize that I owed my ex-husband NOTHING and that I had more power in our situation than he did.
I spent a couple years capitulating, attempting to negotiate and fix the problems between us believing that if I gave respect I would eventually receive respect. I did what a lot of women do who are dealing with the aftermath of divorcing a narcissist. I rolled over and over and over playing nice doggy hoping that one day he would rub my belly, begin to co-parent civilly and we could put all the conflict behind us. You know, for the sake of our children.
What Does Rolling Over Get You?
You get nothing from all the effort you put into being civil with the narcissist. As long as you are in any type of relationship with a narcissist, you can bet the only person who will benefit from that relationship is the narcissist.
A narcissist has an inflated sense of his own importance. In his mind, you are supposed to roll over and often. You rolling over or giving in only cements his belief that he is all important and his needs must be catered to. And his belief that you are to cater to him only gets you more of the same emotional abuse you suffered in the marriage.
You roll over expecting a positive return on your emotional investment in your post-divorce relationship with the narcissist. A sensible expectation to have! He has his own expectations…you do as he feels you should do. Take it from me; his expectations will be met before yours if you continue to roll over.
Things You Should Not Expect When Divorcing a Narcissist:
1. Civil discourse. He doesn’t have it in him, let go of expecting him to converse with you as if you are an equal. To feel good about himself, he has to treat you as if you are beneath him. Don’t buy into!
Behind his mask of superiority lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism. He knows it, you know it but humbling himself and admitting it would be tantamount to emotional destruction for him. Take it from me; he will attempt to destroy you emotionally to keep from having to face his own emotional frailties.
He can’t feel good about himself unless he is actively trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Every email you receive, every conversation you have will be him focusing on putting you down. Your best defense against his degradation is a “whatever” attitude. If he is nasty in an email, don’t respond. If he is disrespectful face to face, shrug your shoulders and walk away.
2. Healthy Co-Parenting. This isn’t going to happen. The narcissist can’t separate his relationship with his children from his relationship with you. In his mind, you and the children are one package. And he has no qualms when it comes to using his children to further destroy you emotionally and financially.
The narcissist views his children as objects to be used to further his own agenda. This makes it impossible for him to engage in healthy co-parenting. He is a fine father as long as those objects (his children) fit into his agenda or reflect positively upon him. When those objects no longer fit into his agenda…when he moves onto another relationship, remarries and needs to focus on his step-children or suffers the wrath of his own children after mistreatment WATCH OUT. This is when your children will begin to feel the full force of his narcissistic abuse.
This is also when you have to put your guard up. It will be your place to guard your children’s hearts against the damage a narcissist father can do. You are the healthy parent, the parent who will teach them what unconditional love is. The parent who will teach them their value by role modeling how to respond to those who do them emotional harm. The parent who will keep them from becoming adults with fragile self-esteem and emotional vulnerabilities. You are your children’s only defense against the narcissist. On Guard!
3. Concern for Your Well-Being. Once you stop feeding the narcissist’s ego your needs and the needs of his children become inconsequential to him. I’ve been divorced from my ex-husband for 14 years. Our sons were 7 and 14 when we divorced. Their father has not once shown concern for whether or not they have what they need since we divorced. No phone calls or emails asking, “Can I do anything for you son,” or, “I’m here for you if you need me, son.”
I had custody of our children, due to this in his mind they were an extension of me, the woman he wanted destroy. They became collateral damage in the war he waged against me.
Our youngest is now 21 and experiencing health problems. The other day I called my ex and left him a message…”Alan needs you, can you call?” I got no response. I expected no response but the opportunity came up for him to do something for his child and the choice of whether to take that opportunity was his to make. He did as I expected but by reaching out I took away any ability he has to blame me or his children for the distance between him and his children.
My ex-husband’s refusal to respond when his child was in need is an example of the total lack of empathy that is characteristic in narcissistic personality disorder. I’m sure that if you asked, my ex-husband would tell you he has, over the years attempted to have a relationship with his children.
My children would tell you that the total of ten years of no contact from him does not feel like an attempt by him to have a relationship with them. The narcissist doesn’t care about how someone else perceives a situation. Their perception of the situation is the only perception that is valid. They don’t care about the thoughts and feelings of others and are unable to listen to, validate, understand or support others.
My ex-husband and all narcissists are not capable of stepping outside themselves and seeing a situation from the other person’s perspective. The world revolves around them and their feelings and due to that, others aren’t allowed to feel, unless of course, they are expressing concern for the narcissist’s feelings.
The narcissist, my ex-husband, for example, can’t view ten years of no contact with a child as abandonment or abuse because those ten years are not about his children, they are about him. And I’m certain that a narcissist would find it highly offensive that a child would not express concern for the narcissist rather than expect a show of concern from the narcissist.
Outfoxing the Narcissist:
You will never be as cunning as the narcissist. You can’t outfox him. You may be crafty, clever and shrewd but you also have the ability to empathize with others and it is that pesky aspect of your personality that will keep you from ever being able to outsmart the narcissist if you engage in conflict with him.
The only way to get one over on the narcissist during divorce is to disengage, distance yourself and don’t feed the tiger. As I said before, have no expectations of the narcissist. But the big one, the one I struggled with myself was the need to do something, to find a solution, to fix the problems between him and me for the sake of our children.
Few things are as emotionally painful or produce as much fear and anxiety than being in a high conflict relationship with a narcissist. It is the emotional pain, fear, and anxiety that spurs you into action, into attempting to fix the situation. After all, how are you ever going to have peace of mind and heart again if the situation isn’t fixed?
No matter how much you try to fix him, outsmart him, or stay one step ahead of him, the narcissist will always trump, one-up, escalate and create more damage in response. To stop the continued emotional damage to yourself and your children you have to exit the stage, step out of the ring and take back your power by letting go of your need to fix the problem.
When you do that, you show the narcissist who is in control of YOUR life. You show the narcissist that no one has power over how you live your life and the narcissist is completely out of his league when faced with true power…especially YOUR power over his ability to cause you pain, fear, and anxiety.
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Very good article that defines so much of what I’ve beengoing through and needed some definitions for but kept resisting that one I found so often when looking for answers — narcissist — really fits though and so time to see it for what it is and try to retrieve what’s left after so much and so many attempts like the ones listed in the article, really disengagement totally agree with.
For sure no one can deny that, in every place you visit, there would and always be a certain kind of useless,ignorant… people who only look for money , like if they were raised on money, its a mist be aware of them. Yet we know that there are good people also , who can offer help and hosting without paying to them. The common ideas or stereotypes are that if someone approches you means he or she wants money, be careful cause sometimes you missunderstand and judge directly.
for any help contact me on lavendermysticalorder@yahoo.com
see you.
I have been hunting for someone who is or has been living a nightmare regarding a ex-husband who treats his ex-wife and children as described above. My ex-husband has spent over one million dollars in an attempt to destroy me and pin me against my children. I have been divorced from this man since 1981. My husband left and I raised my two boys by myself. No contact for 26 years until after 9/11 as a NYC Fireman decides he has children and wants to walk in the door of our lives as if “Daddy’s Home”. When the boys don’t respond because they don’t know him he blames me that I poisioned them. My oldest boy has various disabilities and does not speak.
In 2007, 2013 in two NY courts my ex-husband tried to claim I was a very bad legal guradian over my son’s personal needs and attempted to destroy me to gain guardianship. Both times he did not succeed. However he did promise me he would spend every penny he owns to destroy me, my reputation and gain legal guradianship over my son who has disabilities.
Now we moved to another state and he is attempting the same to gain guardianship. My ex-husband is similar to Hitler. Yes he caputured the attention of the attorneys and JUDGE, all listened to his lies and as I have come to understatand he has paid them “LUNCH MONEY”. Now I am in the fight of my life to retain legal guardianship over my disabled son and it is costing money I don’t have in legal fees.
Why would my ex-husband want to gain legal guardianship when he has not seen his son for years, is failing in health with a pacemaker and heart attack under his belt and in up there in years? Because he is a Narcissist. He needs to be right. He needs to justify to himself and other by proving he was right to have left us early on because of me. He needs to show others he is right and I am wrong. He needs to prove to his other son he is justified in his actions and all will be right in the world.
What he can’t see is our son with the disabilities was never to live past age 5. After much research by medical doctors and my daily caretaking we were able to have him survive and live a quality of life. Now 40 years old the JUDGE listening to the ex-husband’s made up lies has banned me from my son and refuses to allow his brother to see him. The Narcissist ex-husband must have paid a high fee for this privilage of now being named as Temporary Guardian.
I have not spoken to my ex-husband for years. Have live 3,000 miles away and he is able to lie to the courts and attorneys with the most outstanding made up stories. Who knows where this will end as I have no clue.
All I can say is run, run as fast as you can from a person you suspect is a NARCISSISTIC &*%# and never look back because they need to be right and justify their actions until they depart this world. My take on this is it is a form of Domestic Violence. The continued need to control a person and set of circumstances. Especially if the person who left was able to build an empire and make lots of money. Now for sport he returns to control us.
Thank you for the article above it gave me peace of mind knowing I am not alone.
Wow! I thought my situation was bad! I’m so very sorry to hear about your special needs boy! My 2 year old is special needs and I’m considering court action against my ex husband to stop the verbal and emotional abuse. My health is starting to deteriorate because of him and I don’t want to give him that control!! I often wonder how amazing things would be if he decided not to see his son ever again, I’m kind of thinking it might be a good thing for both of us. I feel so trapped – I honestly wouldn’t want to wish this upon anyone!!
My ex actually alienated my children during the divorce and he has been using the children ever since. Narcs are truly evil! My ex had ALSO said he would use every penny he had to make sure he got the children. Yes, I’m sure if they have enough cash they can buy the judges. It never goes away.
Spew your hate bitch. Sounds like you never got over him. Lol, love it.
Lol, Mr. Narcissist front and center….GFY
why always HE the Narcissist, Did you know that the Female variant can be much worse? I recognize this whole story, only with a woman, unfortunately it does not get the stamp NPS but C-PTSD, I ask myself, what is the difference between man and woman?
Diedrik, for one thing this is a women’s website. It only makes sense they write about male narcissists. Statistically speaking, there are more male narcissists than female narcissists. The difference being, since there are more male narcissists, more females are harmed by narcissists than males.
I am struggling because my ex keeps saying that my disengagement from him is negativity affecting the kids. I am afraid he will take that to the courts to attempt to get full custody.
This site is unbelievably sexist. Come on. Women out there, it is possible that men can experience exactly the same issues / feelings and life. I have found this site very supportive and informative and drawn strength from it however it also alienating as I am I man and apparently according to this site the subject matter is exclusively a female experience. I get that overwhelmingly women bear the awful brunt of dysfunctional relationships, but if that is to change I believe that women need to be inclusive leaders and welcome willing men to the conversation so that we can involve other men and actually make long term change.
Hi Ed, you do realize this is a website for women, don’t you? Our demographics for users are women ages 28-54. The site isn’t sexist, the site is catering to our demographic. We write FOR women so you are correct, we are writing about the female experience. That being said, men are welcome to the conversation. We have men who come here and engage but, they come with the knowledge that this is a female-oriented website and they don’t expect us to cater to their male needs. So far, you’re only the second man to call us sexist. If you’re interested in sites that are more inclusive to your gender, there are many, many, many websites specifically for men online. This link will give you links to the top 50. http://www.urbasm.com/best-mens-sites/
Spot on! I was engaged to a nar and the only way to get closure is on your own. My nar would not allow me to have a day of silence from him. Control through the relationship and patterns of disappearing reappearing with excuses of he had to work out of state. Do not try to be nice with these people-they are self absorbed and only cause you harm. Mine is resisting my 60 day rule I can tell because he leaves me messages daily that are blocked. He is obsessed with me, he told me. I had to just silently disappear. I tried it a few times prior but he would send random gifts and normal people say thanks so that was my downfall and his pull me back in. I will never allow that. The next gift goes to the garbage can.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. My ex-husband is and always has been a narcissist, though I didn’t really know what that was until it was too late. He was always the primary breadwinner, but I did make a decent salary in our years together – but every penny of my paycheck was accounted for – paying house bills, kids activities, groceries, all our shared bills, while his was for what he deemed necessary and for savings. Predictably, when we split, he left me with all the bills (which was the only way to ensure I stayed in the house with our children) and he kept all the savings. Further, as soon as I began dating and considered moving my now second husband into the home, I was forced to sell it and split the proceeds (and he still had the savings too!) and my half went to paying off the joint debt I’d taken on, with the understanding of at least being able to remain in the home. Now… 4 years later, he has alienated our children, one is refusing to attend her visitations, threatening to take me back to court to pay less child support “even if it means I have to keep the kids more often” – because he truly doesn’t WANT them, will take them just to hurt me financially. He does not care who they are, what they like and are interested in or what they are struggling with – only how they reflect upon him. My oldest (16 1/2)recently was caught with an e-cig at his home – and his response was to take the iPhone 8Plus I paid for and destroy it amidst a full-on temper tantrum throwing it against one wall, picking it up throwing it against the sliders, etc. and then screaming and stomping on it until it was in many pieces. My 11 year old was in the room at the time and cried for hours after because she was so scared. I paid over $800 for the phone, and it was my way of locating her, coordinating rides to/from school, work, basketball, etc. and now I’m left to deal with the fallout (he only has them one day per weekend) and he is refusing to pay for the phone, which is a first degree misdemeanor for destruction of property – but he is the one with the lawyer and the money, so I am at a loss as to what to do. And now my younger two are terrified to go with him and the oldest and flat out refusing to go, and he is threatening me with calling the police, not paying child support and even to go after custody just to prove a point. Now, he has beat them in the past and this is not his first tantrum and exhibition of anger, so I do not believe he’d actually get custody…but I’ve been wrong before. To make matters worse, he is now a local government official and is in a position of power, while all of my family is up in New England. I truly hope your son is allowed to remain with you and that you have less issues with this going forward. The price we, and our children, pay for how a narcissist thinks things should be in his head, is unfortunate. Best wishes going forward.