Your child will be of value to the narcissistic father after divorce until they begin to age and start pulling away. Once the child pulls away, be prepared for the father to respond in ways that cause the child extreme pain. Nothing sets off a narcissist like being ignored and devalued!
What happens to grown children of the narcissistic father during and after divorce?
The Narcissistic Father During And After Divorce
This is important to consider because after you’ve left the Narcissist far behind and relieved yourself of the pain, your children continue to deal with him. It’s not a pretty picture. As the healthy parent, understanding the Narcissist, knowing what to expect and providing tips for the children will lessen the pain for everyone.
Narcissism Defined:
Narcissism is a term that originated with Narcissus in Greek Mythology who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Currently, it is used to describe a person characterized by egotism, vanity, pride, or selfishness. (Source: Wikipedia). They are often affectionately referred to as ‘Narc’, for short.
If you are unsure about the personality type of your ex read this article from Divorced Moms and take the quiz. Mothers can also be narcissistic but I am focusing on the fathers in this post. It is a very similar situation and the tips and signs apply to mothers as well.
Signs your children’s father has a Narcissistic personality
- He has an overly inflated view of his own importance.
- He has a tendency to exaggerate his accomplishments.
- He has an excessive need for admiration.
- He excessively envies others.
- He has a constant belief that others envy him.
- He has a condescending manner towards others.
- He has a noticeable lack of empathy.
- He has a sense of entitlement that he brings to his relationships.
Appearances are very important to the Narcissist.
Narcissistic Supply Explained:
The ‘supply’ for the narcissist is the people around him. They help him stay in the spotlight and reflect his self-importance. Supply sources are usually family members, spouses, co-workers (often underlings in the workplace) and friends. The one thing these people have in common is they all idolize, look up to and believe everything the Narcissist tells them.
The moment these people question, doubt or disagree with the Narc, they are no longer of use to him and no longer a source of supply. The Narc’s children are the ultimate supply…they’re always there, they carry his genes and they look up to him without question, heck, they even look a bit like him…
The Narcissistic Father:
Narcissistic fathers see their children simply as an extension of themselves. Their children’s appearance, behavior, choices, friends, and activities are all a reflection of themselves. This condition often includes the parent expecting their children to be ‘perfect’ just as they view themselves.
They do not see the children as individuals with their own ideas. For obvious reasons, this becomes highly destructive to the children as they approach young adulthood. Every decision they make is questioned by the Narc father.
Every dream, idea or hint of independent thought is dismissed by the Narc father if it does not abide by his ideals.
Narcissistic Disapproval:
If the son of a narcissist chooses a certain academic program in college and the Narc views their choice as substandard i.e. not medicine, pre-law, science or architecture, they will make their disapproval known to all. They may even go so far as to pretend the son isn’t attending college. His classes aren’t real because they are not what he told him to study. You can see where this is going.
The son is hard pressed to find any moral support or love from his father. They are not capable of giving it. They are only capable of recognizing what makes them look good or places them in the spotlight. Surely, if the son had chosen pre-law for his studies, the Narc would be bragging about it. It would reflect well on him.
A Daughter’s Experience With a Narcissistic Father After Divorce:
“My friend’s daughter had the ‘pleasure’ of running into one of her father’s long-time friends. The conversation that ensued humiliated her. She was basically heckled by this person. He asked her why she dropped out of university and why she had so many tattoos. When she explained that she hadn’t dropped out and was attending night classes, he responded that the classes weren’t ‘real’. Interestingly, her father had said the same to her not more than a week prior.
This example shows how toxic the Narc can be and how it transfers to the Narc’s supply (friends). The conversation left the young woman feeling ugly and stupid. The Narc father can be extremely charming and fun. As long as the children are a source of supply, the children will benefit from this charm. But the parent’s attention to the children can quickly turn to neglect and abuse once they are older and cease to provide narcissistic supply. As the children grow they question their parents’ ideas and while this is a normal part of child development, the Narc will not accept it. He requires his children to worship him.”
Divorce and the Narcissistic Father:
During a divorce, co-parenting with a narcissist can be dangerous. They will go to great lengths to possess the children. They will fabricate or distort the truth in order to maintain allegiance from their children. Deep down a Narc is highly insecure. Parenting after divorce becomes a popularity contest for the Narc. They have to ‘win’ the children at all costs. Their ego is vulnerable and causes them to lash out at the person who has rejected their idealistic view of themselves.
If you have asked for the divorce you can bet their wrath will be focused on you. So what begins as a type of possession can escalate into a destructive pattern of parental alienation. It is fair to say, a Narc parent is more likely than a regular parent, to use parental alienation as a method to retaliate. What begins as possessive and nonstop attention from the father inevitably turns to rejection as the children enter adulthood.
The Impact on Children of a Narcissistic Father:
When the child is on the verge of adulthood and learning to spread their wings, there will likely be conflict between Narc parent and child. At this point, know that your child will be vulnerable to abuse. Nothing they do or say will be good enough for their Narc father.
If the child (now a young adult) is not available to serve the Narc parent immediately upon request, they are subject to abuse. This abuse can be verbal, emotional, mental and sometimes even physical. The repercussions to the child can be seen as:
- low self-esteem,
- stress,
- self-doubt and,
- lack of confidence.
If the child is no longer good for the Narc, they are not good for anything and they are told as much. The Narc will even go so far as to tell anyone who will listen how disobedient and terrible their child is. How their child has hurt them.
It is common to hear the Narc speak of himself as the victim.
They will even enlist other people or sources of supply to ‘talk sense’ into the child. This creates a whole extended source of stress for the child as he is questioned by friends and family who believe the Narc’s stories. But reliving the ugly words of the Narc parent in order to tell his ‘side of the story’ leaves the adult child defensive and frustrated. The child’s self-esteem and confidence become further eroded by the Narc’s enlisted supply.
It is important that you, as the healthy parent acknowledge that this treatment is abusive.
Talking to Your Child About Narcissistic Abuse:
Explain to your child that the abuse is not his fault and he did nothing wrong (barring the typical difficulties parent/child relations endure) and doesn’t deserve this abuse. Reminding your child that it’s okay to stand up for himself and to remove himself from the abuse is key to helping him cope. Equip your child no matter what age, with skills and tactics to handle the Narc parent. In extreme cases, the adult child may need to estrange himself from the parent to maintain a healthy lifestyle and to heal.
Tips for For Adult Children of Narcissistic Fathers:
- Anticipate when there will be conflict and practice remaining calm and keeping explanations simple.
- Learn about the personality type of the Narc parent and understand it is not YOUR problem.
- Keep your expectations of the parent low.
- If you need to negotiate something with your narc parent always begin with how it will benefit them.
- Set and maintain boundaries to lessen emotional and bullying interference.
- It’s okay to say ‘no’ to your father.
- Know when it’s time to walk away to live healthy.
- Maintaining distance allows you to have a limited but better relationship with the Narc parent.
- Understand that an apology from the Narc is often insincere and abusive patterns will likely repeat.
- Narcissists often express love with money.
Tips for the Healthy Parent:
- Love your child unconditionally.
- Be a source of moral support.
- Model normal behavior.
- Praise your child’s independence and decision making.
- Allow them to make mistakes.
- Acknowledge the abuse.
- Continue teaching them relationship etiquette.
It’s important to understand the destructive behaviors of the Narcissist father and their impact on your children. Especially after divorce, when the Narc can become even more insecure and abusive it’s important to realize the unique challenges you will face. Know that as your children become adults, there is bound to be more conflict between them and their Narcissist father.
Acknowledging that these behaviors are abusive and educating your child on how to best handle the narcissistic father will help them cope with the ongoing difficulties this relationship will bring.
Your best tactic? Continue modeling normal parenting behavior.
Is the father or mother of your children Narcissistic? How has it affected your children? Share your tips and stories in the comments section!
FAQs about Narcissistic Fathers during and After Divorce:
What are the traits of a narcissistic father?
You can recognize a narcissistic father if he has the following traits:
- Has an inflated sense of importance
- Exaggerates his accomplishments
- Needs excessive admiration
- Envies others
- Beliefs others envy him
- Has a condescending attitude towards others
- Lacks empathy
Who qualifies as a narcissistic supply?
The people a narcissist uses to stay in the spotlight and reflect his self-importance qualify as narcissistic supply. They are usually family members, spouses, colleagues, and friends. Unfortunately, his children top the list for they are always there for him in flesh and blood.
What do narcissistic fathers want from their children?
A narcissist wants his children to look and act like him for he believes he is an embodiment of perfection. Narcissists do not see their children as independent individuals, but an extension of themselves. This proves to be destructive for children as they enter their early adulthood.
Do narcissistic fathers love their sons?
Narcissistic fathers are incapable of loving their sons because of their obsession with looking good or being in the spotlight.
Is co-parenting with a narcissist easy?
Co-parenting with a narcissist is not easy at all as they manipulate and alienate children to win their insane wars against their ex. Narcissists distort reality, put their exes in a negative light and withhold affection in order to use children as pawns to satisfy their agendas.
Thank you. This is an incredibly insightful article.
I’m happy it was of some help to you, Liv.
This article was very helpful. I made the mistake of thinking staying was better to protect my children. The fact is either way my children loose, but at least now they have a safe heaven until they are old enough. Divorce is difficult on children no matter what, but it is beyond understanding for anyone when it involves a narcissistic Father. I wish they had support groups for children so, they could see they are not alone.
Yes, a support group for children of Narcs would be wonderful especially in the teen years when they are trying to navigate independence (from the Narc). Thanks for sharing here, Pam and I hope things improve for you and your children.
I am overwhemed with emotion after reading this and related articles. It is confimation of the hell that I have lived. I have just come through the worst experience of my life. This article helped me. I am not crazy. What was happening was real. Sick . . . but, real.
You’re not crazy, Denise but a Narc will make you feel like you are. I’m glad this article helped you! It’s very hard on kids as they come of age and become adults trying to find their way. Finding ways to defend against the attacks on you or your kids and how to deal to keep your sanity is important. Take care.
I have a friend still going through it and ex left blamed her for not begging him to come hone and one child away at college other at home he gave choice stAy or come but the children already knew he was leaving filing for divorce weeks in advance but never told the mother , now neither child young adults live with father and new girlfriend and her grown kids and every chance they get they post all over social media how great they are ! But daddy has the money but mommy’s a girl digger cause he has to pay her alimony for a lousy 4 years they were married 19 together 25 he’s got the kids convinced she was lousy wife, mom never did nothing but every one knows better but he’s a buissniss owner do people pretend to like him but talk about him ! Do you think the kids will ever come around the mom misses them and cry’s everyday , she text them both all the time never a response she just wants her kids !!!
I’m living with the same pain I’ve been married to a Narc for 20 years. I thought I was crazy, a loser. Terrible mother cant do anything right. It’s never enough and he is never happy. My poor daughter was told terrible lies about me even though I was a stay at home mother. He eventually turned on my daughter. I filed for divorce almost a yr ago and have been put through the ringer all the way to him trying to take my child from me. Your story sounds just like mine I’m in for the fight of my life
don’t give up ever ever ever on your daughter ever no matter what she will work it all out be kind to yourself just keep being the wonderful mother you are you are doing yr best. He will come back set yr boundaries always on him but never give up on yr daughter be just yourself and be her mum. good luck have faith during the rough time hang in there. jl
You’re not crazy, Denise but a Narc will make you feel like you are. I’m glad this article helped you! It’s very hard on kids as they come of age and become adults trying to find their way. Finding ways to defend against the attacks on you or your kids and how to deal to keep your sanity is important. Take care.
You’re not crazy, Denise but a Narc will make you feel like you are. I’m glad this article helped you! It’s very hard on kids as they come of age and become adults trying to find their way. Finding ways to defend against the attacks on you or your kids and how to deal to keep your sanity is important. Take care.
This is very helpful to me to read. I grew up with a Narcisstic father and my parents never divorced. My mother was schizophrenic and very abusive and neglectful as well. I recently divorced a narcissist and am dealing with my children and their reactions to all of this. My ex had no interest in the children before the separation and divorce. Now, he is calling them constantlyand trying to turn them against me. He was and is very abusive to them and it’s hard to know how to handle all of his manipulative and conniving behaviors towards them.
Hi Cindy, I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. A narcissistic parent offers only conditional love, as you know all too well. The best thing you can do at this point is research. Check out Sam Vaknin’s you tube videos and his book “Malignant Self Love” for further information. the information will help you and your children deal with the situation in a way that protects you from the abuse. All the best and thanks for sharing here!
What a great article. I’m currently divorcing my exN with a young child stuck in the middle. He too wanted very little to do with DD prior to our separation but now wants to be “involved” and “consulted” daily! Even after she was born he moaned that no one cared about him only her and I (the birth was traumatic she was in ICU for 7 days) never mind that I didn’t see nor hold my baby for 7 hours. Oh I could go on and about this lunatic. His final words to me when we separated were ” I didn’t want her any way she’s an inconvieince” now all that has changed. His family are the same it’s been a eye opener watching from the sidelines. I’ll keep forging forward and trying to remember that it is not I that is crazy, manipulative or nasty. Good luck all, keep your faith we will survive this with our precious babies in tact and happy x
Hi Wendy, Definitely one of the biggest symptoms of a Narc is their insecurity. The fact that since your split with him, he has to have constant of more contact with his daughter makes it obvious. If you were still married, he likely would continue to find her an ‘inconvenience’, no doubt. Good luck and NO you are not crazy! Maintain your boundaries and stay strong. Thanks for sharing here!
Great article! I am a child of a narcissistic father. My parent’s divorce began in early February of this year and damn its been a nightmare. I know what it’s like to grow up and never be good enough as hard as you try. The earth revolved around money; it was the ONLY thing that mattered. Your feet were permanently damaged from walking on egg shells…and you felt your heart drop 10 stories whenever you heard him come home. Living in constant fear and always striving to be “good enough.” Now he has a few girlfriends and never comes home anymore. I can’t say I’m not happy about this fact, but it sucks knowing who he used to be a long time ago was only a mask. Trying to understand how his mind works and why he blatantly lies right to your face is going to drive me mad… any advice on how to not be afraid of a narcissist would be MUCH appreciation. Thank you!
Hi Daniella, that’s a tough upbringing for you! I think Sam Vaknin, who I always recommend for people who are having any kind of relationship with a narcissist, is the best resource for understanding how to handle your situation. Thanks for commenting.
Hi Daniella, that’s a tough upbringing for you! I think Sam Vaknin, who I always recommend for people who are having any kind of relationship with a narcissist, is the best resource for understanding how to handle your situation. Thanks for commenting.
This was one of the better articles I have found on this topic. So often I have read articles on how to deal with my ExN. Looking for help with co-parenting and working through the divorce the best possible way. Most articles just tell you that it is hopeless to work with a N. I have been going through my divorce for 3 years and about 1 year ago a light went on and it was the best thing to happen to me in years. I learned to stop thinking about him first. Once I started focusing on the children and always doing what is best for them instead of living in fear of what my Ex will do to me if I disobey, things got better. My Ex grumbled and fights me and refuses to change his mind, but I just move forward with my children and their well being first. After about 6 months, the anger toward my Ex went away, and as sad as it sounds, I treat him like a child that is disagreeing with me. “I understand what you are saying, however you don’t have my agreement, I will not follow your direction, I am ensure that the childrens needs are met first. It is your choice on how you want to move forward.” Taking that responsiblity off my sholders and back on him has been enlightening and working positively for my children. He of course doesn’t handle it well, but that is his issue, not mine.
It sounds like you’ve found a way to deal with your ex that works. That’s the thing with a Narcissist, they always put themselves above everyone else. Knowing that is half the battle and knowing where to draw the line. Nice work, Teri. Thanks for sharing your tactics and experience here!
What an amazing series of overgeneralizations, starting with the assumption tucked into one of the very first sentences: “As the healthy parent…” Who decides that you’re the healthy parent, Lisa, and that the man is a narcissist? And what about when the situation’s reversed and it’s the father who is “the healthy parent” and the mother who is the narcissist, how does that affect children? Finally, telling the children that dad’s basically a jerk and that nothing he says matters is definiteiy a way to drive an even further wedge between you and your ex and make your children’s lives even more complicated. No wonder you say that it’s dangerous to coparent in this situation, though, if that’s your recommendation for “the healthy parent”.
Actually, the first sentence states “What happens to the grown children of a narcissistic father during and after divorce.”
Yes, David the mother can also be the narcissist and I mention that at the end of the article. I didn’t claim to be the healthy parent although I think the parent who tries to do what’s right for the children would be considered ‘healthy’.
I don’t advise telling the children that ‘dad is a jerk…” No. I advise the healthy parent to educate their growing children on setting boundaries to protect their own mental health.
Thank you for your comment and taking the time to share your thoughts.
Actually, the first sentence states “What happens to the grown children of a narcissistic father during and after divorce.”
Yes, David the mother can also be the narcissist and I mention that at the end of the article. I didn’t claim to be the healthy parent although I think the parent who tries to do what’s right for the children would be considered ‘healthy’.
I don’t advise telling the children that ‘dad is a jerk…” No. I advise the healthy parent to educate their growing children on setting boundaries to protect their own mental health.
Thank you for your comment and taking the time to share your thoughts.
Omg Lisa, how much do you want to bet “Dave Taylor” is an abusive narcissistic himself whose ex wife probably sent him this article? Cuz that’s exactly what he sounds like. Classic. Great article! And these comments are really helping me grieve my process of accepting my dad has total narcissistic personality disorder.
I am just learning about what I lived through. A few months ago, a friend referred me to an article about “narcisistic trauma bonding”. Since then, I have consumed information. Truthfully, it was relieving to know I wasn’t crazy and that my experience had a name! I was married to a functioning narc for 23 years. The divorce was final 9 months ago. Two weeks after our divorce was final, he contacted my daughter (18) all excited about his new relationship, which he started two months after moving out and insisted she meet her over Thanksgiving. Clearly hurt and not given time to adjust to the divorce, she openly shared her feelings and thoughts…. and has received the backlash. Hurting me was one thing, targeting my daughter has made me totally wake up, see the unacceptable behavior for what it is, educate myself, and want to help others. He has made many terrible decisions, which have hurt her in the last 9 months. She feels replaced and abandoned. He announced a month ago, he was engaged and excited about joining this lady and her three daughters (18, 15, 12) in a life together. I have been struggling about how much (and if it was even a good idea) to educate her on what I’ve been learning about narcissism. Thank you for helping me see that educating (not slandering him but giving facts and observations) is actually quite helpful and the best thing I could do for her!!
That article you mention sounds interesting. It’s so hard on growing and young adult children of Narcissists because they never feel that they are ‘good enough’. Teaching them that they are good enough, loved and helping them understand their father’s personality disorder will improve their self esteem. Thanks for sharing your story and I’m so happy my article helped you out!
I have tried to take the high road in our situation and feel as though I have been left behind. My ex-husband is taking the children without permission when they turn 14 and just simply telling me that they are living with him now. I just don’t want to fight with any of them! It’s all about his family’s money and doing whatever they want. I feel so alone and like I’ve wasted the last 20 years of my life. He just can’t stop hurting me. Why cant he just move on? He has made all of the decisions and would just like to destroy me. He just wants me to disappear. I feel as though I should have left in the beginning because it hurts so much more now. At least I would have been more financially secure, helping the children more, and not going to school later in life. My family advised me to stay. Why?
Hi Siobhan, please don’t lose hope. You haven’t wasted your life. Your kids will figure it out. They only have one mother and she is special to them. Your ex will not change and it’s only a matter of time before he begins taking his problems out on the children. Your kids will come back to you for the security and love they need. I also tried to take the high road but it’s hard to know where that is after being abused by your ex. Please watch this video. It will help you cope with your current situation. Thanks for sharing here at DM.
Hi Siobhan, please don’t lose hope. You haven’t wasted your life. Your kids will figure it out. They only have one mother and she is special to them. Your ex will not change and it’s only a matter of time before he begins taking his problems out on the children. Your kids will come back to you for the security and love they need. I also tried to take the high road but it’s hard to know where that is after being abused by your ex. Please watch this video http://youtu.be/yc8k7mV6rwQ It will help you cope with your current situation.
I sadly lost custody of my only daughter over 4 years ago now to her Narcissistic evil Father! He set out to destroy me and the relationship my daughter and I had and cherished for 10 long dedicated years together, and sadly a Magistrate sided with my Ex. It sickens and saddens me that my daughters Father hates me more than he loves his own daughter, because he took her out of her own Mothers life at the tender age of 10 yrs old, what young girl doesn’t need their loving caring Mum?? Since living with her Father, she has experienced some very “mature” behaviours no young girk should have been privy too. She has suffered mental anguish, self harm, bullying, neglect things NO YOUNG PERSON should have to endure when cruely and wrongly stolen from their own MOTHER! My EX is a sad egotistical person, who uses our daughter as a Pawn in the union between my Daughter and I. She is 14 and a half now, and I haven’t sadly seen her since Nov 2012. The Father kept on using the Legal System to the point of me losing ANY CUSTODY/VISITATION of my only Daughter……..I know when she is old enough she will NEVER see this evil Man who managed to turn our lives upside down, ever again…..This is what I believe in my heart and thats what keeps me going every day, and knowing that her and I share a LOVE NO EVIL NARCISSIST NOR COURT CAN COME BETWEEN…we will be together again one day, I hope!!!!
Hi Rachel, I’m so sorry you’ve been through this horrific loss. Alienating a child from their parent is an act of hatred and yes your daughter will wake up to this one day. In the meantime stay in touch in whatever way (email, text, phone) to tell her you love her. Maintain contact no matter how minimal. My video on PA may be of some help on youtube. Dr. sam Vaknin is a great resource for understanding Narcissism. I hope things improve for you soon!
Thanks so much for this article. I was married for almost 20years to one.He tried to turn everyone against me,the children and now the grandchild. He has shown his emotionally abusive ways but then he buys my adult children stuff and they feel sorry for him. He is still trying to punish me. I can never get away from it. I am going to start counselling for me. One of my four children has almost had enough and is now see8ng through him but they always give in. How my oldest can take baby over there to spend the weekend with this man alone is beyond me and dangerous but its a pawn to keep all my kids visiting and to make him look good and turn them against me. Thanks for helping me understand.
Anyone have an opinion on the best way to protect children from a diagnosed narc/bi-polar father. Is it better to live as a dis functional family or risk him getting joint custody and going through an abusive divorce? His entire life (he is on long term disability and can’t work) is centered around our children playing rep sports so he is involved, but only bc that’a where he finds his self-worth.
Hi Angela, it sounds rather difficult to maintain a dysfunctional, intact family with a diagnosed father/husband. If you were to divorce, his mental health diagnosis would play a factor in your parenting arrangement. It would be less likely he would get shared custody (not impossible) but in the courts, one never knows what a judge will rule. Unless, the parenting agreement can be agreed upon out of court (consent order) with you as primary custodial parent. He would then have less time with the children and most decisions would be your responsibility. I hope that helps you.
three months after leaving and filing for divorce my narc. ex started using “she left for another man”, which is NOT true (three months of every day discussion and years of every 30 days discussion of our loveless relationship, he still doesn’t get it) now my two boys 15 and 18 won’t talk to me. I have tried explaining to them without all the gory details it isn’t about someone else. They still won’t listen or talk to me? Any advice on this kind of situation? I’m at a loss and miss my boys so much I did everything for them.
Hi Lisa, #1 thing is to maintain contact with your sons even if they indicate they don’t want you to. E-mails, texts and phone calls to let them know you love them and nothing has changed between you and them. Emphasize with them that the changes that are happening are between their dad and you, and isn’t about you as a mother. Read up on Parental Alienation. Find me on youtube as I have posted videos on the subject. Click on my you tube link on the side bar on this page. Your ex is putting the kids in the middle and soon they will resent that. All the best to you and thanks for sharing here at DM.
Thank you for this post! I am in the 3rd probably the 4th stage of leaving a Narc after 13yrs of marriage. I read about the disorder in one of my psych text books last year but it never dauned on me what I was up against until I ran across a youtube video about narcs a few weeks ago and now an endless amount of research. I notice his patterns and can predict what is going to happen now. I have set boundaries and are detaching myself appropriatelyyet trying to make sure he hasn’t rubbed off on me too much. We have four children two under the ages of 10 and two over the age of 10 but not quite teens yet. I found this article because our children are pretty much over how detached their father is and are now starting to question his actions. I’m worried about my daughter who mentioned to me tonight that she thinks he and I should divorce. Their relationship is not that os a typical father daughter relationship. She is neglected just as I have been all the years of this marriage. And I am sure she too is on a constant roller coaster ride. While talking to my children tonight, I came very close to explaining what was going on with their father but held back. I wasn’t sure if that would be the right thing to do especially considering we are all still residing in under the same roof. MBut this was more than a confirmation for me because we are all looking for answers with the exception of my youngest child, who by the way, is a source of supply. I know this will change and I plan to be prepared. Thank you again for this article!
I think you’re wise to hold off on that explanation to the children. They might be a little too young to understand it and it may ‘get back’ to their father that it came from you. You know how that will play out…so, coping the best you can until you or he has moved out would be best for now. I’m so glad this article helped you! I think as children become teenagers it really is apparent they can’t supply the Narc anymore and that’s when the conflict starts. It sounds like you’ve done your research so you’ll be able to help your kids when that time comes. Thank you for sharing here at DM 🙂
Just came across this article. I have a 22 year old daughter and a 19 year old son. My daughter is really struggling with this with her father right now. I’ve been divorced about two years. Do you feel it would be wise for me to actually share this article with her? I believe she already understands that her father is a Narc.
Thank you.
Hi Lori, It’s really your call whether you want to share the article. I think since she is an adult it would probably be reasonable and help her understand who she is dealing with. Encouraging her to set boundaries in her relationship with her father (and stick to them) will really make a difference. I know an adult child who has done that and it really works for them. His relationship with his father is limited but at least they have something that works and the Son understands if he lets his boundaries go the abuse is likely to start again. I recommend teaching your kids to work on boundary setting. I’m glad this article has helped you and wish you all the best ongoing. Thanks for sharing here at DM 🙂
My parents divorced the year I graduated college at age 21. My mother was focused on my father’s alcoholism as a reason for their divorce, he refused to acknowledge that he had a problem with alcohol. I’m nearly 40 now. I spent most of my twenties wondering what was wrong with me that my father wouldn’t carry on a normal father-daughter relationship, wouldn’t show any interest in my children. We’ve only spoken four times since the divorce and two of those times were at mine and my sister’s wedding. I was so hurt by the estrangement that I cried and cried before my own wedding, feeling that having him walk me down the aisle was more than I could bear. (My husband and I walked down the aisle together.) My mother thought she was doing the right thing by always telling me what a “good man” my father was and encouraging me to reach out to him. Most of my life I felt I was “not enough”, secretly suspecting there was something really wrong with me, because if he was a good man and didn’t want me then I must have the problem. I think I realize now that the alcoholism had deeper roots in my father’s narcicissm. None of those labels I put on him, narcissim or alcoholism, changes what’s really true for me: He is NOT capable. I wish my mother had gone to counseling after the divorce, I think it would have changed her advice to me at least. Some people are simply NOT CAPABLE of having a higher level mutually supportive relationship with another person. For me, my father was only capapble of being a provider to our family while we were young. That was his responsibility and he fulfilled it. The advice about keeping expectations extreemly low is very good. Because of what my mother told me about my father, assuring me of how much he loved me, and what an honorable man he was, I always had huge expecations that somehow things would be resolved the next time I saw him, or at my next birthday, or maybe at Christmas, maybe after his grandson is born. Now I know, He’s not capable, not now, not then, and likely not ever. My expectations are low, I expect a civil exchange of pleasantries and a short conversation that goes nowhere if I have to see him at a family function. Otherwise I expect that he will live his life and contact me if he needs me, (he hasn’t.) That’s it.
Sure I’ve needed a father. I’ve been sad, I’ve cried buckets over the years. I’m crying now. The benefit from all this is to my kids. I will never let them feel for one moment that they are unloved. I will always call them, even if they don’t call me. They know that no matter what, they will be loved by their mother. And I make sure that my husband communicates his love in this way as well. If I think of my Dad, I say a prayer for him and send him my love. Nothing has changed, he’s on his own path with his third wife and I wish them both well.
Hi Miss, Well I’m sorry he has caused you so much pain but find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. You bring up some excellent points here. As parents we need to change those rules about loving your father at all costs and advising our children they are ‘good men’. That will only cause the children to blame themselves as you have done. It’s definitely better to face the facts so our children know and understand it isn’t their problem.
We can find the love we need in a male role model from someone else we may be lucky to have in our lives. An uncle, an older brother or a good friend. In the meantime, you’ve really handled your relationship well as a woman. You describe civility and I think that’s what we all want. Thank you for sharing your story here at DM! You will help others, too. 🙂
I cannot believe how this describes my children’s father, and his followers, to a ‘T’!
He hasn’t been abusive, per se, outside of making one of our daughters feel bad for her T-shirt & jeans style (he constantly tried to make her more feminine). They’re only between the ages of 11 & 15 though. He is VERY condescending to anything he doesn’t like and used this when attempting to discipline the kids. It’s hard for them to respect someone that always makes the feel inferior but he uses that approach with everyone who isn’t just like him.
Thanks for the tuos, they will definitely help!
Hi Jennifer, thanks for reading and sharing here at DM. As your girls get older they will likely have more conflict with him. I find that videos on youtube on the subject are very effective in explaining the disorder and helping older children understand how to deal. p.s. sorry I missed your comment and am responding late.
Hi Lisa, That is a great article you wrote and it really hit home for me. I have a 6.5 years old daughter with 50/50 joint custody with a narcisstic ex-husband for 2 years now. It has been extremely difficult to co-parent with him. I have learned to limit my communication with him. I hate doing this, but I do use my daughter at times to send messages to him. I do text or email but often do not receive a response back. My daughter does explain to me what goes on at her Dad’s house. It is disturbing. I am getting her and myself into counselling. I haven’t told her about her Dad’s mental problems. She is too young to understand that concept yet. She hates going to his house. All I tell her is she has to spend time with her Dad. When we do talk I listen and try not to give much advice but tell her I understand her. I can’t wait till she is older and I can explain more and she can comprehend more. I am really worried about her emotional and mental health in the future. I already see what he has done to her. She is so busy trying to please both parents that she is forgetting about herself and her own feelings. She is so busy not hurting our feelings. She has asked me if she has hurt my feelings over something simple and I have said not at all. It would take much more than that to hurt my feelings. She has started to lie to her Dad and tell him she does not want to do things to make him happy. It is so sad and sickening to watch. Any advice would be wonderful on how to deal with her at this young age.
Hi Karen, It sounds like you’re on the right track. Counselling for you and your daughter is a great idea at this stage. Since she’s so young I would focus on her body language and feelings (before and after she’s with her dad) instead of explaining or asking a lot of questions. I would advise you to refrain from using your daughter as the messenger. I know this is hard but it only makes things worse for her. She is far too young to be the messenger so the sooner you can put a stop to that the better she’ll be. I know it’s not easy. I’m happy this article helped you and thank you so much for leaving a comment.
Hi, I’m 14 years old (son) , my sister is 16. Our birthdays are literally one or two weeks away, so consider us 15 and 17. We have a narcissistic father that fits all these descriptions. It’s almost a perfect description of him. The other night, my parents stayed up arguing in their room. Then everything went silent, like it had sometimes before. But this time, i went closer and put my ear on the wall, heard my mother whimpering, and my dad sounding threatening. I barged in, to see my dad with his hands around my mothers head, pretending to ask what hurt. I think it was a strangle because of this, but my sister thinks it’s a punch to the chest which might have broke a rib. Both of these are reasonable answers because my mum said she couldn’t breathe. I managed to tell my dad to go downstairs while i remained with my mum. But before when i asked if she wanted to call the ambulance, she said no. She later told me that she would have to divorce, and that then there would be inheritance problems with the business she owns, the house and everything else, none of which my dad fully deserves. He’s useless, always talking himself up. If they divorce, my dad will threaten to take half of these things (i don’t know the law, or the proper terms). My mum would be put into remand (because of abuse) and my dad would have control over the business. This would also mean i would have to change schools, and i go to a school that is expensive that i love. If i can stop this from happening, then the divorce could happen and my mother, sister and i would be happier. What should we do?
Hi John, this is a very serious situation and too much for a boy your age to take on alone. Just a few thoughts I have a) Your mother doesn’t have to go to remand, she can make arrangements for a safe place to live either with a family member or friend or in the community b) Your father will likely be granted half of the marital assets including their business and house (that’s normal) c) you may not have to change schools if there is money in savings or a fund to continue paying for it d) there is hope for your mother’s, sister’s and your happiness.
The immediate concern is your and your mother’s safety. Once that is resolved then the rest will fall into place in due time. Try not to worry about those details as that is your parent’s job to deal with.
I hope that helps you and thanks for reaching out here.
Hello, I was wondering if you had any ideas for a more proactive approach to teaching my 7 year old about narcissistic behavior. So she can hopefully grow up understanding it rather than figuring it out when she’s older and trying to reconcile it with years of feeling bad.
Acknowledging the abuse doesn’t work very well in our case because he is so subtle that it’s next to impossible to put a finger on. The gaslighting nearly destroyed me in the 7 years we were together. My daughter is the reason I got away. But, it wasn’t soon enough. She adores her daddy and wants to live with him when she grows up so he never has to be alone. She is also afraid of disagreeing with him or letting him see her upset with him.
Help me to help her understand that anyone with narcissistic traits is someone to avoid if possible and not take seriously if contact is a must.
Hi Alyson, At age 7 it’s hard to teach that daddy is to be avoided. I think your best approach now is to explain and address when she is upset with him. Instead of bringing daddy issues up out of the blue wait for something to happen then explain that it is daddy being upset with himself and blaming her. It’s the simplest way to get across to her that it’s not her but HIM. You’ll gradually give her more information as she matures and her problems with daddy increase (because they will). So, in a nutshell, information is proportionate to the situation. p.s. sorry I missed your comment and I’m responding late. Hope this little bit of advice helps you.
Hi Alyson, I think at the age your daughter is, the best thing to teach her is to think for herself. Teach her to trust her inner feelings. I don’t think there’s much a 7 year old can understand about a personality disorder. I recognize the daughter not wanting daddy to be alone…my daughter was like that as well. I hope that helps a bit. There are some valuable resources on youtube you could check out and specifically what a child psychologist might suggest. Thanks for your comment and wish you all the best.
This article has been very helpful, thank you. My 10-year old son, Eamon is alienating me, and unfortunately we wasted time on an inept psychologist, but what is done is done. Eamon is suffering strugling to develop an identity for himself where, in a half-time environment with his dad, it is impossible for him to exist. Thankfully, my daughter who only spends a day a week with him has been far less affected. While I’m busy proving what I already know, I need practical solutions to help deel with Eamon’s alienating behaviour and agression as well as a guide intended for children of narcissists who are still children. Thanks for any advice you are able to provide.
Hi Marie, I’ve posted a video on youtube on what to do if you are being alienated. Check out my channel lisathomsondivorcetips/youtube. (i can’t post the link here). I think it will help you.
You could try a child psychologist who specializes in parental alienation. Lastly, don’t lose contact with your son. Always tell him how much he means to you no matter how bad he is being. It’s not his fault, which I’m sure you already know. All the best to you.
This was a great article. I’ve been divorced for almost 15 years, with 2 sons, 21 and 18. Two years after the divorce, my ex turned into an evil sociopath, and moved 1200+ miles away. After, every bad thing that happened to him was my fault. The judge ordered him to communicate only via email because he was so vile to me, and at first, I would try to counter his claims. I finally realized it was futile because he lied, projected and blame-shifted. Luckily I took the high road with my boys until they were old enough to call ME on it…they knew what their father was and told me I didn’t need to pretend anymore. I had offered them counseling, but they refused. I have to say, I raised them on my own and they have turned out so well. They know their dad is a horrible person – there really are no other words for it. I was able to reach the point of not caring what he thought of me or said about me – indifference was wonderful. I’m still concerned for them. Ex rarely speaks to them, and only then texts due to a court date, or if tuition’s due. He still tries to turn them against me, but they know the truth as I have never lied to them and they know this. My oldest quotes Will Smith: “If you’re absent during my struggles, don’t expect to be present during my success.” Who has stood by them during every up and down in their lives, including one of them coming out? I know where my boys call home, and that makes me happy.
Hi Melissa, it sounds like your ex did you a favor by moving far, far away. I say that tongue in cheek. It could be he was trying to avoid child support, I’m not sure however his distance allows you and your sons a life without the interference of a Narc. The damage they do is immense (as you know). I’m happy for you that your sons are doing well. Good work on that! I’m sorry your sons will have a Narc father. If you can educate them on how to have a relationship with such a person, it would help them in the future. Best to you, Melissa!
Thank you for sharing your story. My kids are still young and it makes me happy to know that yours have turned out so well and see the big picture. I am hoping that mine can make it through the emotional baggage and drama that he tends to create for them. I am wanting to get them in counseling this summer, but worried that he won’t accept for them to go and he has to according to the decree. Love the quote from Will Smith.
I appreciate the article. I’m just learning about narcissism. He asked me to marry him quickly and I became pregnant. I knew it would be difficult but I didn’t ever think he had a personality disorder. My daughter was 2 months old when he threatened to shoot himself. I called 911 and left with just my daughter, my dog and 2 outfits for my daughter. My husband promptly changed the locks on the door. I decided I could never go back. Living with him was a slow, painful death of my spirit. He is a master manipulator and emotional verbal abuser. I became so unsure of myself and regretted ever meeting him! My daughter is now 4 mos old. We are not divorced yet. He is making up lies about me. He got a counselor to also make up things like I am depressed. I’m so scared of what he will do. His crazy making is affecting me even though I know what’s true and it’s about him. I have not found a good lawyer yet. I will be starting counseling this week. I am afraid to get a protection order because it might make him worse. He so far has left town for a couple weeks. Every single glee day feels like a whole month. I don’t have answers, don’t know the future and can’t seem to get things started. From what I have read I’m going to face a horrible battle. All I can think is that I have to do everything I can to protect my daughter. I wish I had a lawyer who knows these types of personalities and could protect my daughter and me and make his visitation supervised and no overnights. He has a 7 yr old daughter from a previous marriage who he had her babysat by a child molester, she ended up being molested but I’m wondering if it’s her father who really molested her! He alienates her real mother… I hope one day to find a sense of happiness and security knowing my daughter will be ok.
Hi D, Hang in there because you WILL find a sense of happiness and security. protecting your daughter is certainly your priority. You can call around to lawyers and request one that has experience with Narcissists. It took me a few lawyers to finally find one that could cut through the B.S. that my ex dished out.
As for the crazy making, keep a journal and record all statements verbatum, with dates, times and places. You will need some evidence of the lies and erratic behavior. Any abusive emails, print them out right away and keep them in a binder for easy reference. Your lawyer and counselor will want to see them.
All the best to you, D. One day at a time…that’s all you can think about right now.
I am a (now grown) child of this type of situation. Parents divorced when I was a toddler. Mom raised me herself. Dad lived in town and rarely paid anything in the way of child support. Throughout my childhood, there was limited contact (usually around holidays and milestone activities). He had this picture painted that I was the prodigal daughter and he was a wonderful father with a “look everyone, come see what a great father I am!” attitude, telling all of his friends about my success — even though he had nothing to do with any of it, and certainly wasn’t there for any of the hardship and hard work that came before success.
Life for him is all about control of people and situations. He has a picture painted in his head about how something is to be played out, and if something goes awry – he loses it, and immediately places blame elsewhere – to the extent of telling people they have mental disorders, taking maniuplative actions, and occasionally getting violent. An easy example is him contacting me to tell me he was getting remarried, and when I had a “sure, that’s fine, whatever” attitude – he started yelling at me and grilling me, demanding to know why I wasn’t upset over this change. In his head, he imagined that I would have a little kid reaction of “no daddy, don’t go away from me!” and when he realized I wasn’t going to react that way – he lost it, and blamed me. He even called my mom later to yell at her, because of course it was her fault that I wasn’t acting properly.
He has a history of failed relationships (some ending with restraining orders because the women are ‘crazy’), and has basically gone on to live his life surrounded by friends who think he is wonderful (which becomes VERY awkward when someone introduces themselves to say they know him and proceed to tell me how wonderful he is and how lucky I am. Seriously – what do you say to that!? I’ve got the smile and nod down pretty well by now). In my adult life, we have limited contact – a couple texts/calls per year, either for holiday wishes, or just to ‘check up and see what’s new’. These calls (in my opinion) are simply for him to find out new information about me to tell his friends to keep the ‘wondeful father’ facade. Mom insists they’re genuine, and a sign of him reaching out and acting normal. Since I withhold information and give very short answers, he becomes angry and contact dwindles. Every 6-9 months or so, he will drop into a depression of supposed clarity and pull a ‘woe is me. i’ve made so many mistakes in my life’ attitude (which is usually when he tries to reach out, or have a random friend contact me via facebook saying “your dad is so upset, you really should contact him. he thinks about you all the time”). I have hidden social media accounts from him to help keep this type of information exchange at bay. I’m sure he makes up stories about what I’m up to anyway.
Mom is quick to forgive and is demanding “respectful communication” to keep an arms length relationship in tact, however I am tired of the cycle, and don’t wish to subject myself or my own family to this mental and emotional abuse any longer. I hate living with a cloud over my head and continually having to watch what I say or do for fear of who might see/know him/tell him, etc. We went through a long spell of not speaking (no birthday or holiday wishes, etc), and he recently left a message ‘hoping i’m well, and call whenever i can’. I’m hesitent to even acknowledge it (the silence has actually been a blessing, and now that this phone call is in the mix, it’s a dark cloud all over again).
How does a child go about cutting ties and saying enough is enough? What are the reporcussions/dangers? How do I get mom to accept my choice? I can’t even imagine what to do when I start thinking of having kids. Do I even tell him? He still has contact with a few members of his family (whom I still talk to), so I’m sure he’d eventually find out. What happens then?! There’s no way I want to subject my future family to having to live the way I’ve had to, so even if he knew, I’d do my best to never have them meet him. Nobody should have to live and be exploited like this.
Hi M,
This is classic case of narcissism; “He has a picture painted in his head about how something is to be played out, and if something goes awry – he loses it, and immediately places blame elsewhere – to the extent of telling people they have mental disorders, taking maniuplative actions, and occasionally getting violent.”
Exactly! So, there is no way to reason with, cajole, make him see things your way, or even see you as an individual for that matter. The mental disorder interferes with all logic.
The question you have is how to completely disconnect. That is a tough one but it can be done on your terms and if that’s what you need to live in peace. I saw an amazing video on you tube just yesterday and I recommend you watch it. You will be set free mentally by understanding your father. It’s called ‘Narcissists Destroy Who They Can’t Control’ by Smakintosh. I also did a short video on how to have a relationship with a Narc and protect yourself (channel lisathomsondivorcetips/youtube). Wishing you health and happiness. Thanks for sharing here at DM.
What your mother thinks of your decision is secondary. She, of all the people in the world should be supporting your decision to cut ties since in fact, isn’t that what she had to do many years ago?
Do what is best for you, M and always remember your health and well being are of utmost importance. If someone in your life is jeopardizing that, and you’ve tried to make it work to no avail…then it’s time to cut ties.
You’ve just described my sons position and I used to encourage him to be polite and respectful now I just let him do what feels right for him which is no contact its better for me to back my son up and then support him emotionally to get through the rejection and anger directed at him for saying no..unfortunatly there seems no easy way out for these children surround yourself with people who know you the truth and can lift you up when your sad and go create a new life. That’s what we’ve done and its much more peaceful these days
Also, What your mother thinks of your decision is secondary. She, of all the people in the world should be supporting your decision to cut ties since in fact, isn’t that what she had to do many years ago?
Do what is best for you, M and always remember your health and well being are of utmost importance. If someone in your life is jeopardizing that, and you’ve tried to make it work to no avail…then it’s time to cut ties.
Hi M,
This is classic case of narcissism; “He has a picture painted in his head about how something is to be played out, and if something goes awry – he loses it, and immediately places blame elsewhere – to the extent of telling people they have mental disorders, taking maniuplative actions, and occasionally getting violent.”
Exactly! So, there is no way to reason with, cajole, make him see things your way, or even see you as an individual for that matter. The mental disorder interferes with all logic.
The question you have is how to completely disconnect. That is a tough one but it can be done on your terms and if that’s what you need to live in peace. I saw an amazing video on you tube just yesterday and I recommend you watch it. You will be set free mentally by understanding your father. It’s called ‘Narcissists Destroy Who They Can’t Control’ by Smakintosh. I also did a short video on how to have a relationship with a Narc and protect yourself (channel lisathomsondivorcetips/youtube). Wishing you health and happiness. Thanks for sharing here at DM.
What your mother thinks of your decision is secondary. She, of all the people in the world should be supporting your decision to cut ties since in fact, isn’t that what she had to do many years ago?
Do what is best for you, M and always remember your health and well being are of utmost importance. If someone in your life is jeopardizing that, and you’ve tried to make it work to no avail…then it’s time to cut ties.
I have been divorced 2 years now after being married to what I now know was a narcisist. I have 3 children 10,7, and 5. The childrens father was very emotionally abusive towards me and when caught in his lies would turn them on me to the point that I thought that other womens clothes in my house were my own. When he found out I was leaving him, I had to get a restraining order because of the craziness that followed. That is the point where he had taken me. The emotional abuse I sustained and did not even realize at the time had completely changed who I was.
Kids have been coming home now stating how horrible my friends are and how they are being forced to call his new wife mom. My 7 year older daughter was in tears she felt so bad. She said when I call her C. J he says “let’s try this again and call her momma”. The abuse that they are sustaining at that house is getting worse and worse and I realize now that my 10 and 7 year old need counseling. The lady he has married I am wondering if she is also a narcasist. She has been putting full make-up on my 7 year old and giving her cream she has to wear on her face for any type of discoloring or marks. I even caught her undressing wearing a bra. I fought in court like hell to get them more than 50% of the time and that worked out, but even being there for the time they are is reaping havic on their tiny emotions. They are dressed like models out of a fancy GQ magazines and come home to rip their clothes off to put on the normal clothes. I am at a loss of how to handle this with him. I text him and let him know that talking about my friends and saying negative things about me to our children was not alright, but the response of course was erratic emotional outbursts aimed at me stating that I don’t know how to parent or pick friends. he knows that my friends from school do not like him and he has made threats to them and their husbands. My friends have never even spoken to him or said anything to our kids or anyone about him. It is to the point where my friends are all switching schools next year to not have to deal with him. I have dealt with this long enough that I have learned to tune it out, but not sure how to address this with the kids and let them know that much of this and the way they are feeling has nothing to do with them. My 10 year old son is having lots of conflicts over there for one because he is a red head and strong willed and will not call his new wife mom. Everything is image at the other house. Kids have to look a certain way, they have to drive mercedes and escalades and live in a luxurious home. I am trying to counteract the image thing and letting them know that money and image only go so far that it is who we are on the inside that counts and hopefully that will one day sink in.
My children all have iphones that he has purchased and he is continually trying to get control through facetiming constantly. I have established technology rules and times and have not allowed facetiming because of the privacy issue. My son is wanting to call him various times throughout the day and I am not sure why this is unless he has either told him to call or he is searching for something he is not getting there. I have had to put major restrictions on and set boundaries and this article completely hit home. He has a son from before we met who is in college and he has not spoke to in 3 years so this makes so much sense now. I feel so horrible for what my kids are going through and will continue to go through with him as they get older. I guess I can only pray for the strength to counteract everything that is happening at that house and to make sure they know they are loved here.
Hi Tausha, Oh my goodness! what a nightmare. Sounds like you’re handling things very well for yourself. When it comes to the kids, it’s heart wrenching though. I think the fact that his college age son doesn’t see him speaks volumes. As the kids mature, continue to educate them on understanding the reasons their father treats them badly. In the meantime, keep an ongoing record of your ex’s behaviors, statements, continuous phone calls etc. Keep date, time, location of said statements or behaviors. You may need it as evidence in the near future either for custody or in case something else happens. All the best to you and keep doing what you’re doing. Thanks for sharing here at DM!
Your life sounds just like mine! I’m sure we could share war stories for hours. I go through periods where I hate myself for not picking a better father for my children. I will prayer for you and yours!
I have been seperated for 5 years and going through a divorce for the last two. Just last week we were finally divorced. Although I should feel elated, I feel sad and anxious. I understand the sadness but the anxiety comes from not knowing what my ex will do next. My story is long and some times I even question if it is real. I will do my best to keep it short. My ex husband and I had a wonderful relationship until we got married. Our son was only three months old when we made our vows. However, it wasn’t even two hours after we were married, my ex began barking orders at me. I told him that because we were married that did not mean I was his property. He laughed it off and we went on with our day. Shortly after we had our son, I ended up quiting my job because of postpardum depressionwhich I was unaware I had, and due to finacial reasons we moved into a house that his mother owned. She controlled nearly every move he made. She also never spent time with our son but went out of the way for her other grandchildren. I also began experiencing pain in my abdomin which was a result of a prolapsing uterus and bladder. I knew that I needed help but at that time I did not know what was wrong. I would tell my husband that something was wrong and asked for him to help me. He would walk away from me, leave me for long hours with the baby and when he did talk to me he would say “I wish you would shut your G..D… mouth, NO ONE wants to hear the sound of your voice! Why wont you just quit, its always the same sh.. with you!” And he woud also accuse me of never letting him take care of the baby. He made me question my sanity because if he said or did something and I would talk to him about it later, he would say that he never said or did that. I thought I was going crazy. I finally got help on my own and 9 months later I moved out and asked him to come with me to get out of the control of him mother and work on our marriage. What he said next I will never forget. “I am going to take care of my mother and myself first before I take care of you and the baby. Shortly after I moved out, my ex would pop by anytime he wanted. I know now that I shoudn’t have asked him many times to go to counseling and be a family. His response was always that he didnt have the money to be a father and a husband. Eventually I became tired of his unscheduled visists and because we had a seperation agreement in place, I made him follow it. He became enraged and threatened to take our son from me. I was going to get everything coming to me. During the next two years he stuck to the court order and made no extra effort to see his son. He doesn’t even call him to tell his son he loves him or asks about school or anything of that nature and couldn’t move to the same town because it would cost him too much money. Here is where is gets interesting because I dont know how to feel or what to expect from him. Like I said we are finally divorced but during the negotionation he wanted it put in the divorce order that I be the one to call him and tell him about everything that is going on in our childs life. Also the DAY of the divorce he came to me and was practically crying and told me that he wanted to do things as a family like him and his second wife do, for the sake of the children, and move to my town. He also said that he has high blood pressure over all this and is on medication. I thought with my divorce I wouldn’t have to deal with him in this fashion. He can be a part of his sons life but why all the sudden does he want to take a more active roll in mine and as a family. He has three older children and when he went through his divorce with their mothers (I know that should have been my first clue) he said he had high blood pressure over his son, but not his daughters. When his eldest son stood up to him, my ex kicked him out of his life forever. I wonder what is going to happen to our son in the future. When my ex spends time with my son, its the best time ever. Its like a field trip every time, and is constantly buying him gifts. Is my ex a narcissis and what can I expect from him? I am confused about his recent behavior and I am afraid of him just popping up whenever he wants. I consider myself a strong person but he is bringing up these feelings on uncertainity and I am beginning to feel anxious. I would love some input and suggestions. Thank you.
Hi Ellen, I’m sorry for your troubles that your ex has caused you. It’s good that you’re divorced from him. It sounds like he is extremely manipulative. As long as his relationship with your son is a positive one and it sounds like it is, I wouldn’t worry about it. I can’t tell you whether you ex is a Narc but obviously he is abusive toward you and as your son matures, there is a chance he could become that way with him, too. Just monitor the developments and don’t expect much genuine contact from your ex. thanks for sharing.
Hello I know this is about the fathers but my husbands ex she distances herself from her kid she always ignores him and it all about her the kid moved in with us about 3 years now she has seen him only a handful of times she puts other things first instead of the kid she even tried to treating him by calling the police if he didn’t behave this kid is a very good kid his marks have went up in school since living with us he is now 16 he doesn’t want anything to do with her right now she keeps talking bad about his father and puts him down to the kid I’m his stepmother and his father and I love him we ask him have you heard from your mother it will go weeks even months before he even hears back from her and we live only 15 minutes away
It sounds like your step son may be better off not hearing from his Bio mom at this time. She sounds unstable from what you’ve described. However, you have to let your step son decide his relationship with her and not interfere, especially as he matures and grows into an adult. She isn’t likely to disappear altogether so it’s something that will be ongoing in his and your (and your husband’s) life.
My ex, the father of my children, has convinced my children that I am a narcissist, when in fact he is. They scrutinize every move I make and use it to prove his claim about me. He has them in his complete control and can make them believe anything he wants. It’s been 4 years and it’s only getting worse. I have tried to stay quiet and not talk bad about him. I’ve tried to exhibit positive and healthy behavior. I’ve even done a lot of research to see if perhaps it is true what he says. I KNOW it isn’t but I can’t say I’ve never questioned it. I’ve spent many years believing what he’s said about me. It’s one thing I’m learning to block though. Has this happened to anyone else? Most of what I read is that the narcissistic parent is seen through by the child. We are in a custody battle now and they want to live with him all the time. I can’t hardly stand the thought… the oldest is already exhibiting similar behavior.
Sandy I think we are walking a very similar road. My ex has been verbally and emotionally abusive our entire relationship and I walked on eggshells. I now see my children doing the same thing. At first they saw him as perfect and everything I did was wrong. I had some great advice, ironically enough, from his brother. Remain consistent and remember you can only control what happens in your house. Love your kids always, as I’m sure you do, and stay consistent. I get it from both barrels from him any time I do anything he doesn’t like. He’s even tried to call child protective services on my twice. They warned him that false complaints are a crime and they do prosecute so that stopped. I wish I had answers for you but I don’t. I am walking the very same path you are on and at times I think its killing me. But I won’t give up!
Hi Sandy, It’s important to tell the truth to your children and bring awareness to the lies their father is telling them. Please check the Divorce Poison book by Richard Warshak as he has excellent suggestions to counter the brainwashing of the children. You can do this with tact and still exhibit positive behavior.
I am the oldest child (24) of my parents who are going through a divorce, I have siblings, a sister who is 18, and a brother who is 19. The brother has dug his own grave with choices he has made, so he isn’t involved in this. However, I know my Dad is a narcissist, and he is spreading lies to all friends and family and only telling half truths. He has been having an affair for some time now, and has convinced his side of the family that he only recently met her and is throwing all the shame in the book onto my mother. When I first found out about the divorce, I was crushed and confused. But as I got answers from both sides as to what is going on, and what his side of the family thinks they know, it has grown into a mess of fallacies. Anyway, Dad has started bribing my sister to move out into and unsafe part of town with her alcoholic cousin, drug dealer boyfriend, and to drop all dreams of higher education, that she should be happy just working in a pizza place for life. He’s saying he’ll pay for the apartment, provide all these things that my mom can’t afford any more, and what really worries me is the effect its having on my sister. She has started doing drugs, skipping school, drinking, the typical bad path, just because she thinks she will have financial backing from him no matter what. I can’t tell him that he’s being an idiot, because he doesn’t care about anything aside from himself, the woman he is having an affair with, and who controls the kids and money. I have nowhere to go and I don’t have friends to talk to, I just move accross the country as this started happening. I don’t know where to go, what to do, or who to talk to, I just really want what is best for her, and whats happening now isn’t leading in that direction.
All you can do Andrew, is continue to be a positive influence on your young sister(s). You can’t control what your father does only your own reaction. Telling the truth, exposing his lies will help counter the negativity going on. You could try an adult children’s of Divorce support group in your community. This would be an opportunity to talk with others in similar circumstances and also make some friends. Wishing you the best.
I was wondering if there is a support group that anyone recommends for co-parenting with a narc. Im mostly struggling with my 9 year old son completly ignoring me at times…like at a school function I will see him while with his dad and lean down and say hi face to face and he will stare at the wall like I don’t exist and turn and walk off to his dad repeatedly. At times he’s a whole different person taking on the Narcish personality. I feel I need some tips with someone with experience, because often counselors can’t comprehend their intensity, vindictiveness and stamina. I’ve been divorced for 5 years seperated 6 from their dad and I’m wearing down – needless to say he’s not.
Andrew Please stay positive you are beating the odds by your intuitive response to this. Take care of yourself, help where you can your sister but please take care of you! Stay out of the divorce stay close to your mother and only if it is doable. You are going to be ok. It will take time I see this with my own kids after 6 years of being divorced form a horrible narc. As time goes by you will become healthier and eventually the Narc reveals himself to everyone. Then he will move on to the next set of victims.
What a great article. I struggle so much with my ex husband, he is a Narcissist for sure. I am going on ten years nearly of being divorced from him and he is still as abusive as ever, I only now email once a week if that if I have to speak to him. Even then the emails he sends back are abusive, put downs and everything I do or say is wrong. He is very influential with my children. I struggle so much still to go to things that he is at, I still have so much fear and trauma, not sure I will ever get over it. I have been seeing a councillor now for three years and that helps quite a bit. It is totally exhausting dealing with him. I miss a lot of my kids things because I fear how I will get out of a place if he comes near.
Hey Kris
It will get easier. I remember those days of being so afraid to go to my son’s soccer games, it has taken me a few years but you’ll get there I promise. I will tell you the truth though, I still have to deal with all these tendencies, the Father has not changed one bit and me and my son’s relationship is now strained from it all because his Dad is the “Disney Dad” and I am seeing my son take on the same narcissistic tendencies which I also know are to do with him being a teenager.
But I can tell you it does get better and it gets better by no longer giving it attention, finding the confidence in yourself and really knowing who you are and that you are a wonderful parent. Stay strong and remember who you are. It will all come to light in the end.
I am the mother of six wonderful kids, two of whom are young adults, and I am in the midst of divorcing their narcissistic father. Reading this article, the statement that struck me the hardest was about the possibility of the children becoming narcissistic, themselves. That is a horrifying thought. What can I as their mother do to prevent this personality disorder from rubbing off on them?
Hi Anna, actually no where in this article did I state that children of a narcissist can become one themselves.
It is not a likely scenario. If you continue to model normal behavior and give your children affection and love, the likelihood of them becoming Narcs themselves is very slim.
Oh That’s encouraging Lisa. That is the main reason why I was looking this up. I am making steps to leave a narcissist. I am most concerned about my child, and was wondering. Thanks for the article. 🙂
Hi Anna,
My father is a covert narcissist & I carried his traits for a good part of life. Seemed to be part of my life path. If they do carry some of the traits, in my experience that is part of their life path & will create whatever lessons they need to go through. As the other post said, continue being your natural loving self & your children will have that as a touchstone to look to & resonate with naturally. Trying to prevent anything rubbing off seems to exacerbate the negative aspects of it. I am in a balanced state having experienced my father’s behaviour if that is of any support to you. All the best!
It’s really unclear why the word “father” is used in this article instead of “parent,” since a narcissistic mother is equally likely
Mark, you are reading an article on a site called Divorced MOMS and it is unclear to you why the word father is used? You can’t be serious!
I think his point is there are plenty of narcissistic mothers out there. Trust me, I had one for a mother, and I married one very young …. they are abundant just as much as dads.
Yes, he is in the wrong forum apparently. He should check out support groups for divorced fathers dealing with women who act like this. I am sure it is out there. But rather than the ‘fathers guide to narcissistic wives’ or the ‘mothers guide to narcissistic husbands’, maybe it should just be a forum for spouses who have to deal with this crap. It is most certainly something which afflicts both sexes with regard to themselves and children. My kids are grown now, thank God – however, my wife was the most important thing in the universe in regards to OUR kids (she would only say ‘my kids’ – nauseating) and so many mommy’s out there act just as self centered as some of these a-hole fathers do.
Thankfully I recognized most of these traits and knew the repercussions when I divorced the father if my six children 39 years ago after 26 years if his emotional, mental and finically abusive behavior. His lies hurt all and have continued all these years. A few years ago he has started trying to get back in their lives. The girls are more open to him than the boys.
I use to feel sorry for him as he abandoned them and his grandchildren over the years. Then I woke up, why should I care, it was his choice. To this day he won’t be in the same room with me, he is a sad human to have wasted all of our time with his lies. He’s told them so much he believes then.
I think there are more mothers like this than fathers. I am dealing with a mother like this and it is horriable for the kids. She trys to destroy everythign that is fun for the children and trys to control them on my time and what we do. Sad stuff the kids are the only ones that suffer.
Timothy, men are far more likely to be narcissistic than women. For reference, this study…http://time.com/3733275/men-narcissistic-women. Both genders can be narcissistic but it’s men who have a monopoly on that particular personality disorder.
Hi Tim,
You are not alone. My ex wife took me throug 2 years of divorce while making my life and the lives of our 3 kids a living and confusing hell.She played the victim perfectly, manipulating people in our church,family and friends while she bulled me and even attacked me during a visit with my kids. We both called the cops and guess who they arrested? Me. She pressed charges, showed at court brought a church member to hug and bless me stating it could be worse at least the charges were dropped. My lawyer and I just shook our heads as proceeded to cop a plea to a lesser charge with 12 ths supervision. I have to stay away from this woman before she hurts or my family any more. Meanwhile my 9yer old daughter is home taking care of her brother and sister and crazy mother who has made all of completely dependent to her. You are not alone.
My father is just like this article explains. His constant bulllying, abuse and selfishness effected three of my sibilings and now they are psychiatric patients. All three are pretty severe and suicidal… my mom really tried to patch things up and pretend nothing is happening for us.. but as she grew old of age she finally couldn’t take it and left.. these type of parents are crazy and just try to destroy their children.. destroy them until they loose independence and acts like robots… my dad is only pleased with one child.. she is so severely effected mentally and constantly on heavy medication… this makes her behave like a puppet.. she believes all the lies he says and does everything like a puppet.puppet . he thinks it’s perfect.. but he doesn’t she the sleepless nights and pain she goes through mentally… and he doesn’t see she is not normal at all
Ahmed, I totally see what you mean, I have a similar situation. Parents divorced, I have three siblings, two of which (my sisters) are minors and spend 50% of their time with my father. My youngest sister behaved the way you described for a long time (she was only 9 or 10), and it was so damaging to her. He even admitted in a counseling session with her that he purposefully manipulates her to get at my mom. It’s pretty disgusting. My youngest sister and I now have a very good relationship, but it took a while, and I can still see the after effects of his abuse. It’s very sad.
Indeed Steven it is very sad. my dad does the same to get at my mom and also tries to untie family bonds to get at those relatives who disagree with him. man I wish I knew u in person so I could be there for you when things get rough with dad. it always will and I guess ur dad like mine simply wouldn’t change the way he is.. try to live your own life as far away from him as possible… that’s what’s good for our health man.. cheers my friend and best of lluck. … we fight a war that most don’t even realise how it feels
I have a narcissistic father that has put me through untold amounts of emotional abuse and manipulation. I finally walked away from trying to maintain some kind of relationship with him when I saw him begin to go after my own young children about 3 years ago. It was too toxic, too dangerous. I look like the bad guy though and most of my siblings no longer have contact with me. It still breaks my heart but I had to do what was best for my own life. It helps to see your stories. Most people don’t get it. I wish you the best as you fight your own battles.
he would tell my friends untrue things about me right in front of me(I always deny things). I would defend myself and he would say there is proof of me denying things. So i always believed that I denied things.
My ex is very narcissitic, he is controlling and very bullying. My eldest daughter who is 20 has recently moved out to go and live with him. I do worry about her but she chose to go so know there is not much that I can do. She has chosen not to get along with my new husband from the start and this has just got worse and worse over the many years she lived with me. She did not even give hive a chance. I fear that she will pick up more of her father’s traits and this will effect her in her adult life. I do not know how my children get along with their father, they do not say much. I do worry all the time and as my son is 15, I still have a number of years where I will have to communicate with my ex. I only email him as he is often abusive on the phone. Ten years after our divorce and he is just as narcissitic as when I left him. I thought that after all this time it would be better, it seems I was just kidding myself.
Very sorry KMac for the situation your N ex has left in his wake. My sister has 3 kids and currently still married to a narcissist. I worry what impact his words and behavior will have long term on the kids. I see how this narcissist undermines my sister’s influence and judgement with the kids. While I hate his influence, I worry that it will only get worse if and when she eventually divorces this toxic person. He is verbally, emotionally, financially and most recently physically abusive to my sister. He recently escalated his abusive behavior by pushing and shoving his teenage daughter during one of his angry outbursts. My sister should call CPS, but she refuses. I’m ready to call myself. I don’t think narcissists ever improve – they only get worse as they continue getting away with more and feel more empowered to continue. Wishing you all the best.
She will see the truth. This exact situation happened to me, I moved to my narc father and I could not stand my mother’s new husband. I didn’t see that my mother was so broken down from my narc father that her new husband was also narc but not nearly as bad as my father! This is what she thought she deserved. It took time, but I know now I had to see the root of all my failed relationships and controlling , destructive behaviour. My self esteem was on the floor. I only dated narcs. But now as I have started to become my own person, my father rejects me and controls me with food and money as a student. I receive mental and emotional abuse. I saw my corporal punishment i recieved as a child as normal. One day I furiously broke down and realised I was physically abused as a little girl. He is still keeping me in ‘prison’. He lies about my mother and acts like a victim. When i stand up for myself he tells me that i am not allowed to have an opinion. He also allowed my stepmother to acre at me and tell me she cannot stand me. He agreed with her and said no one can. He also decided to have a baby with my stepmother which he already dictates. I am now the rejected child as I do not want to be studying what he made me study. He always made me feel like I was never good enough. If he really cared he would have realised why I stopped performing at university. Anyway, I’m scraping through and learning how to protect myself. 6 months to go, then I want to never speak to him again.
Help! I have no support and going through c-PTSD, I have to get better for myself and my son, I am divorcing my narcissist soon to be ex. I became disabled from taking care of my son who died severe to profound mental and physical and the years of beatings from him. I am a strong woman but this man is crazy
Are all narcissists abusive? How can someone on the sidelines help? I’m watching my sister’s narcissistic husband throw nothing but chaos into her world and her children’s. He controls everything they do. He makes the money and my sister agreed to be the stay-home mom, but that has left her without any money or independence. Of course, that is just what he wanted. I’ve seen angry outbursts of his for years, but recently she admitted that he has become physically abusive to her. She doesn’t think he hurts the kids, and cannot see the negative influence he has on her kids. However, last week she admitted he pushed and shoved her teenage daughter to the floor when he argued with her for sitting in his favorite chair. She refuses to call DPS. I called and they said if nobody in the family admits to abuse, there is nothing that can be done.
What you’re describing is financial and emotional abuse and verbal.
Hello, I have been in such a defensive mode once I started taking up for myself against my ex. I’m just recently learning that what’s been happening to me for the last 20 years is emtional abuse. The most troubling thing is that I see traits of this same abuse in how my kids treat me from witnessing how their father acts with me and I find myself also defending myself against them. My oldest I feel, is thoroughly brainwashed by his dad. He divorced me and left me and the kids’ life in shambles in one of his “discard” phases that I had already become so accustomed to prior to marrying him. He has had a disgusting way of making the kids sympathize with him and put me in the light of the one who is”always trippin”….the crazy one.
How do I get them to see that what he has done to me has been done to them also?..the manipulation, the projection, the guilt trips..the whole nine.
First, I am glad you started speaking up for yourself. It has to take immense strength and courage and frankly, the ability to live your truth. For me, it is my sister’s husband that is the abusive narcissist but the whole extended family is impacted negatively. Her husband frequently calls her “crazy” – even in front of me, her sister. I do not speak up because nobody sees it but me, and nobody calls him out. I fear for my safety if I’m the only one. So …. how do you get the kids to see what the Narcissist has done to them? I believe it will take time for them to see you do better without your Narc ex. Also, be willing to tell them what their father has done to you in the past, and call out the abusive behaviors at the exact time they occur in the future. Also, when your ex is in a “discard” phase of the kids, as hard as it may be, let them feel some of the sting of his behavior instead of coming to the rescue – which effectively only cleans up your ex’s mess and clouds the negative effect of his behavior. Above all stay strong and take care of yourself.
Have filed a divorce with narcissist spouse.However while this process is going on my kid (5 Years) is with her.Am worried of his safety.Have kept minimal contact with spouse but worried it will show up on kid .
Is there any stratergies that I can use to keep kid safe.Any suggestion will help
“Your best tactic? Continue modeling normal parenting behavior.” Keep maintaining your parenting rights while your divorce is proceeding. Good luck, Suzi.
I highly recommend reading “disarming the nacissist, surviving and thriving with the self-absorbed” by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW. The author gives crucial tools for inspiring change, offers communication strategies to use with the narcissist, and provides better understanding into the mind of the narcissist. I found it extremely helpfull.
Thank you, Brenna for the recommendation!
I just filed for divorce. We have two children 15 and 4. My 15 year old stayed with his father who has this narcissist behavior. He has destroyed my relationship with my 15 year old who does not want to talk or see me at all. My 4 year old is getting the other side of it where he won’t even try and see him. I finally had to file because this is not healthy at all for either child. They should not be affected by this separation/divorce. I was falsely accused of cheating on my husband. How do I get my son back to me emotionally? He does not even answer me at all.
my narc ex keeps asking my son to give him things back that he has bought him in the past. He knows it’s for his new son and has said that he’s been replaced. Should he or I let my ex have those things?
Hi Brenda, Actually? NO. That is absurd and your son certainly shouldn’t have to give up gifts he was given by his father. If you were to ask him to, then you’re enabling the narcissist. I don’t mean to be harsh but my answer is a definite ‘no’. Stay strong.
Deborah Hoernlein
By the very definition it is impossible for a Narcissit to get help. They can never be wrong, they never see how they hurt others around them and will always blame someone else for their mistakes. It’s sad but it’s best just to understand them explain why the act the way they do to your children so they have a better understanding and that helps with the pain caused by the narcissit. But very few will ever seek real treatment and if they do they will not tell the truth they will manipulate the truth to make themselves look good.
My son is 14 and for the first time he stood up to his father and said no and also respectlfully asked him not to call him which then led to his sister whom he once shared a beautiful relationship with pre-divorce and his das new girlfriend launching an atack on me I was mentally prepared and have court documents allowing my son to say no contact. It does give me security this piece of paper, it just hurts knowing his sister always rushes to the dads defence and starts guilt tripping my boy and minimising the dads behaviour… after I took her in and looked after her how he has managed to portray me as an evil person to be treated with caution the mind is baffled especiallt as I took her in and nutured her when both her parents drank and she was just shoved from pillar to post I provided a lovely wee spot in my home for years and always worried about her feelings. The worst is I can still hear his words when he was in a rage that if I leave Ill make sure the boys grow up to hate you and you can forget having a relationship with my daughter boom discarded just like that, I had to relocate country just to have peace and be able to raise our boy. Its never ending torture dealing with a narc. (Im sure I could write a book on all the really nasty things he said and did over the years it takes my breath away sometimes.)
I divorced my Narc husband 7 yrs ago–it has been complete hell. Our divorce took 3 yrs in a court system that seems to have no idea of who they are dealing with.
My kids are now 15 and 13. My daughter–the eldest–is beginning to see through her dad for who he really is. In the last year I’ve started to try to explain why her dad is the way he is bc I see how destructive he is to her well being. I want her to know it’s ok to follow her dreams and not her dad’s. Articles like this are helpful — I wish there were more that talked directly to the teen of a Narc parent–a lot are about the “adult” child of a Narc. But my daughter needs the advice NOW!
I am heartbroken bc I feel my son has no chance. He is there to become the mini-version of his father and follow in his footsteps in every way possible. He idolized his dad who has manipulated him and brainwashed him for the past 7 years. I have to be very careful never to say anything negative about his Narc dad bc he becomes very defensive and I know it’ll push him away.
I believe the advice that I have to keep being the “normal” parent who is always there for them is SO important. I wish I could find a counselor near me that specializes in N, but so far I haven’t found one who truly understands who this person is. It’s frustrating.
Taking the high road and trying to mentally disengage from the never ending attacks is all the normal parent can do, (besides praying for peace). The family court is used as a weapon by narcissists, I am constantly in court with his endless modification attempts. I’m owed $120,000 in arrearages, and have gone in debt that much just defending my right to collect. What a scam, judges that believe their lies about being broke, until your attorney connects the dots for them to show a six figure income, not disclosed on his income statement. Four years, this judge let the modification go on, incompetence, that’s what you will get in America. Always follow the money, it’s all your ex-narcissist cares about, really.
So true Vicki. Same situation except his attorney is just as bad as him. The courts are a joke. And yes, money is the N’s life. Sadly, we are all alone in the battle as he charmingly manipulates everyone against you. Thankfully my 40 yr old son sees it for what it is but unfortunately my 38 yr old daughter has been brainwashed. Him telling her that he has changed his will to her being the only one to receive any inheritance from his million plus has her wrapped around his narcissistic control.
Hi all, I am currently separated and have a vistation agreement with my narcissistic ex. We have two daughters, 6 and 8. They are in counseling and have consistently been asking for more time with me. He has them Tuesday and Wednesdays and everyother weekend. The kids return to me on Sunday evening. Are there any good resources about how to best arrange a visitation schedule with a narc? I would like to make the school week more consistent, either cutting it to one night a week plus the weekend or Tuesday and Thursday evenings only plus the e/o weekend. Has anyone found any good resources with visitation schedule research or sample schedules? Thanks!!! Erin
I don’t know of any resources. Visitation is usually based on what is best for the individual family. You can parenting plans online if you search google but, it looks like to me that the changes you want to make wouldn’t give your girls that much more time with you. There isn’t much difference between every other weekend and two nights a week and one night a week. And the Tuesday, Thursday thing would only change the two nights a week your girls are with their Dad. In fact, going to Tuesday and Thursday would be more confusing for the children, in my opinion. Why have them home for one night to only go back to Dad for one night? You need to pick your battles and it sounds like what you are trying to do is complicate an already straightforward visitation schedule.
Thank you Cathy. You make very good points. I think part of my struggle is knowing what will be best for the girls in the long run… and that’s impossible to know. The next hurdle is just accepting what is 🙂
in my personal experience, Our Family Wizard is great to document, but the difficulty with a narc is that they will document lies. It becomes very difficult to get to the truth with a narc who is intent on making sure their view is documented. OFW doesn’t stop the behavior, in fact, it provides a platform for those skilled at manipulation.
I’m currently going through divorce with my narc husband. I have asked that we implement “our family wizard” to handle ALL communication and scheduling. This app is created for those of us dealing with high conflict personalities. Everything is documented and they can no longer “misbehave”, if they do, it will be noted and recognized. Erin, you can email me at [email protected] if you want to talk more.
The real problem is all the years the we put up with the bad behavior. We knew we should leave as soon as they “changed”, and stopped pretending to be the perfect mate we dreamed of marrying. For me, that was about a year into the marriage. I had all the usual excuses of breaking up a family, but the truth was that I didn’t want to parent alone, without support. So, when I finally couldn’t take any more, that is the reality I had to face. Bad people will not stop being bad people, we need to make better choices for ourselves, even if it means going it alone. Our children will either learn by our example, or be doomed to repeat it. They don’t know how a good man acts towards his family. I believe that is why our children’s generation are not easily committing to marriage or having families. Two out of three of my children have no intention of having families, and the one who did married a man that not only is a narcissist, but was abused and is expressing borderline/disassociative disorder, and is abusive to their family. It’s something you, as the mom, can not control. You just have to be as normal as you can be moment to moment, and not crucify yourself for the fallout from your bad decision, marrying and having a family with a fake person.
It goes both ways.
My ex-wife’s psyciatrist identified her narcisim, and recommened that I get custody, but my family court judge (who is FIalaiNALLY getting ready to retire) told me that “children belong with the mother”, and that I WAS going to pay the full, guideline amount of ‘child support’ because “your [unfaithful, estranged] wife deserves that money” and because she was not going to allow me to become a ‘deadbeat’.
I also requested to use a shared, special purpose checking account as a child support trust in order to provide for our chidlren’s needs, and that request was denied because it would have reduced the gross amount of ‘child support’ that I paid.
This article is toxic.
You think an article warning about the harm narcissistic fathers can do to their children is toxic? Let me guess, you must be a narcissistic father.
I think this article is bullship. What gives this author the authority to discribe or give advise? nothing. It seems to me throught these post that a “NARC” is a father who stands up to woman.
My ex husband has very good visitation tied to his days off from work which rotate monthly…so every other month the days he has her changes. My problem is that his realtionship with my 9yo daughter mimics what a relationship with a boyfriend looks like. Messages between visits (when hes only away from her for 3 days) of I miss you and wish you were here. She will just get home from seeing him (he pulled away 20 min prior) and she is already back on the phone with him. She “Checks” in with him on the phone and is expected to answer him instantly and be at his beck and call when she is with me. To the point where it impedes my time with her. If she doesn’t answer the phone he will text, then he will send her a video message in Marco Polo…when she doesn’t answer then he will text and call my phone and if I do not answer he moves on to messaging and calling my SO. He has her to the point where if we are busy or spending time together and she forgets to call during “phone hours” (I have a no phone after 9pm on a school night rule) then she freaks out… “daddy’s going to be mad at me, he’s going to be upset…I promised I would call him.” She acts like that even when she has had communication with him earlier in the day after school. When I bring up that it is unhealthy he deflects and tells me I’m the one with issues and lets me know that it will only be a matter of time until my SO gets tired of me and “kicks me to the curb.” He does not make sure she calls me when she is with him, I hardly hear from her at all when she is with him and I don’t freak out because she’s spending time with her other parent…He does not share that mentality and thinks he should be in constant contact with her while she is with me. When i do not bow down and give him exactly what he wants he threatens to take me back to court to take her from me. I enjoy hunting with my SO and when we took her with us he told her “Im sorry you have to deal with that, you shouldnt have to deal with that.” He even went so far as to have his SO text me to try to get me to leave my daughter with them while we went hunting. How do I mitigate the emotional impact of this behavior?
My ex is a narc and has continually been this way ever since we were married. I have known him since 2nd grade and he was a second marriage. He cheated on me throughout the marriage, but I never knew it. Only near the end did I suspect something was going on and found out later that it was pretty much throughout our marriage and while I was pregnant with our daughter. He has been married a total of 3 times, had many relationships in between and continually moves on from one to another person as it suits him. Our daughter is now 15 and she has seen him for what it’s worth, but still sometimes plays the cards to get what she wants. I have always been the one to bend so she could be happy – he has never helped me out in any way nor will he unless it suits him. He has called me names, gets angry when I don’t agree with him or assist him if he needs it. I’ve been married to my husband now 13 years and he tried in the beginning to cause problems with him, even used his ex-wife to videotape at a drop-off of our child when he tried to get in my face and my husband came over to intervene and put his hand on his arm to ask him to back away, he claimed he pushed him and he pressed charges for battery. He constantly called the State Attorney’s office to push for them to prosecute. He left his last 4 year relationship by packing up and moving and told the kids on the road in the vehicle! Now he’s hooked up with another person and just bought a house with her and moved again. He hasn’t worked for 2 years and constantly says I’m selfish and worthless and worse than I was before. Now my daughter is older, she basically sees him every other weekend unless she has something else planned. I feel like I’ve always been the one to sacrifice for her because of him and I don’t know how to feel about it now because I’m getting older and he does and always has done as he pleases when it suits him, never thinking about her. Sometimes I want to act that way too! My daughter knows me and my husband are the ones to go to, the ones who will pick up his slack, but that’s not fair. How do you deal with this without resenting your child? How do you not put them in the middle? I wish she would see how unfair he is and how selfish and rude he is.
I’ve been divorced from a narcissist for 16 years. He has made my life a living hell due to his refusal to co-parent in a productive way. NEVER in my wildest dreams could I imagine resenting my children because of things their father does. My girls knew I was the one to come to, to help clean up the messes their father caused in their lives. I wanted them to know they had someone to come to. As a parent, it was my job to be there for them. For me it wasn’t about being fair or unfair, it was about being the best mother I could be. And, I wasn’t about to punish my daughter for something her stupid father did. She is dealing with a narcissistic father, in time she will learn all the negative things about him she needs to learn. At 15 she needs someone who can protect her from the damage he can do. That is your job. My recommendation…be her mother and NEVER resent anything you have to do to protect your daughter.
Jillian, thank you. too coincidental my 15 year olds daughter’s name is Jillian. Its so sad seeing our girls suffer. If you would like to talk my email is [email protected]. I need support the NYS courts could care less
Wow, I am going through this now. My son loves my Ex Narc husband so much (My daughter does too but for some reason I think she can sense something isn’t right with her dad). I can’t even understand how or why my son so deeply wants to be around his dad considering my husband does absolutely NOTHING for our children, not even a call every day or week or on holidays or birthdays where as I am doing it all from paying for private school to making sure my kids are involved in many extra curricular activities, to being the loving, supportive and caring mother I am supposed to be. My son will choose my husband over me every time and all I can do is pray that my baby will one day see his dad for who he is instead of taking on the narcissistic traits as well.
I’ve been divorced from my narc for almost 7 years my kids are now teenagers and I’ve managed to go complete NO CONTACT with their darn.thy have cell phones and can talk for themselves so I don’t need to be present when they talk also becuae he’s remarried and has NEW SUPPLY who also has narcissisitic traits he hardly pays my kids any attention he only wants thwm arojnd when its a event that’s gonna benefit him yo look like the a good dad. I’m learning the only way to cope is to go no contact if you have to communicate do it by email.
How is it panning out with two narcs together? My narc ex is now with a new woman who I believe could be very similar to him, and I’m wondering if it works or whether it’s catastrophic?! He’s distracted which is great for me but when I don’t succumb to their demands, they gang up and become a little narc duo! My kids are 3 and 5, how did you manage contact and phone conversations? He only sees them every other weekend so wants to FaceTime twice a day! Any advice based on your experience would be great.
Me and my sister suffered by both our parents and it’s affected us severely. And they think it’s ok and it had no effect on us.
I know what you mean. Our father STILL drives us all crazy. I have actually been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and PTSD now that I am 52 and falling apart. After many sessions, my therapist and I have discovered my PTSD stems from growing up in a repressive home with my father’s narcissism. The anger inside me toward him has been building up for years. He’s also a master manipulator. He’s 81 years old and unfortunately VERY healthy….. 🙁
” MY ‘ X ‘ ,,, ( PLANED ALL ALONG , HIS EVIL & NARCASSISTIC
BEHAVIOUR ) ” ,,,
RIGHT FROM THE WORD ‘GO’ ( WHEN ACTUALLY BEFORE,,, I WAS ALWAYS TOLD HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE ME AFTER , @ ,
THAT POINT 6 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH MY 2nd CHILD * STILL IN MY DIARY AS OF MARCH 1999 ) . 1 WEEK BEFORE MY SON WAS BORN , MY 16 month YEAR OLD BABY GIRL BECAME ‘ INSULIN DEPENDENT ‘ DIABETIC. IT TOOK HIM 1 YEAR BEFORE HE WOULD INJECT MY NOW 19 YEAR OLD GIRL . HE THEN STOLE ALL MY INHERITANCE AND MY CHILDREN’S BIRTH CERTIFICATES AS I BEGAN OUR DIVORCE. NOW HE HAS ENDED UP BEING STILL THE ( OH ! ,,, EVER SO SUBTLE MANIPULATOR.” HE HAS MANAGED TO EVEN TAKE MY KIDS AWAY FROM ME ” SAYING ,,, I WAS THE CRAZY ONE -> ALL REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ” .
I CANT TAKE ANYMORE REJECTION ( MY SOUL FEELS SO BROKEN AND DEAD ) * MY FRIEND AND I @ ONE POINT PRIOR, FOUND BOOKS OF HIS IN MY DAUGHTERS CUPBOARD AT THE BACK ! , CALLED ,
HOW TO MANIPULATE YOUR STAFF (&)
HOW TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE. !? . I BROUGHT MY CHILDREN UP TO THINK OF OTHERS & CARE (etc) ,,, THAT IS ALL GONE NOW THAT THEY LIVE WITH HIM AS , QUOTE, ” I AM NOT WELL ” UN-QUOTE. . . ” HE HAS PUT BADNESS INTO MY CHILDREN’S SOULS NOW ,,,THEY HAVE NO EMPATHY AND MY LOVING SON JUST STARES RIGHT THROUGH ME WITH DEAD STEELY EYES. IT IS HEARTBREAKING. MY MUM AND DAD DIED IN 1989 & ONLY CHILD,,, YES , I HAVE A PSYCHRIST , WHO SAYS MY THOUGHTS JUMP ALL OVER THE PLACE.! NOT ALLOWED TO WORK RE-PARTIAL EPILEPSY–> = TREATED NOW … TIZ THE CHRONIC DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY =CHRONIC STRESS.
THEY ARE SO SMART AND ALWAYS BRING ME DOWN BY USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY & MIND GAMES 🙁 ALL TAUGHT & NOW INSTILLED INTO THEIR HEADS BY HIM & HIS MOTHER !!! ” I SOMETIMES WONDER?? ‘ ARE THEY RIGHT????? ,,, TOTALLY ALIENATED ,,,( AS TEENAGERS, THEY SEE ME HERE ALONE ,,,WHEN SUITS THEM ) SO MUCH FOR TREATING MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN WITH ALL THE LOVE & CARE I COULD. ” I HONESTLY AM 100%+ BROKEN ”
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO MY ‘ NOVEL ‘ , !!! .
Morag Brown
Morag Brown, so sorry you feel broken and that you have had to go through this. I have lived with a narcissistic man for 22 years and feel broken too. The only reason I’ve stayed is to protect my children. They are now 18 and 15 and the emotional abuse they have experienced is heartbreaking. I am at my wits end but don’t know how to leave. Every day is miserable for me and most days for my 2 daughters as well. I pray every single day that he hasn’t scarred them. We just had a huge fight and my 18 year old asked him a simple question and he started yelling and cussing. Breaks my heart for my girls.
My ex is dealing with this now. My kids are 16 and 15 and they are starting to try to pull away. Ex is blaming his wife instead of taking responsiblity. He constantly makes the kids feel THEY are bad people because they are hurting HIS feelings. The kids are struggling with all of this a LOT but they beg me not to speak to him about anything because he takes it out on them if I say anything to him. I feel so helpless.
Hi Wendy, all you can do is communicate with your children and reassure them they are “good enough”! Don’t feel guilty or helpless xo
My daughter, now 29, has been through a difficult young adult life, 18-present; she’s an alcoholic. I divorced my ex-NARC when she was 6, had joint custody while she was 6-12, then I fought/won for sole custody, due to ex-NARC’s abuse. We moved far away and I sent her off to college at 18. She was an easy child to raise, had no problems with school, friends, nothing that appeared until she was away from home and on her own at college; she was dismissed from her dorm her freshman year, due to throwing a beer party in her room. I guided her to enroll in college in our hometown, but she dropped out after a few semesters, to pursue a life of partying. She’s a full-blown alcoholic, now, with a history of anxiety/depression issues that are bound to lead to an early death. I arranged for an interventionist, but her NARC father tipped her off, now she cut-off all ties to me. I feel so helpless.
Hi Jeanne, your daughter’s alcoholism is not your fault. You can only intervene and if she doesn’t heed your warnings, you have to let go. I’m sorry for your difficulties. It’s up to her to make a life change. It’s also not you nor your husband’s fault…it’s not that cut and dried.
I left my narcissistic, abusive husband after 34 years and 4 children together. If course, we had to have a trial because narcs never settle anything and he had the selfish audacity to ask 2 of our daughters to come to the trial to testify if needed. We live in a no-fault state so there was absolutely no reason for them to be there. I do wish I had known then what I know now about narcissism. He USED them to feed his ego and punish me. How horrible and SELFISH. Narcs do not care about even their own children. Thank you for speaking out about your experiences and sharing your wisdom so, hopefully others will be spared what we have suffered.
Hi Bridget, congratulations on setting yourself free. This: “Narcs do not care about even their own children. ” Bingo. Bang-on. Thanks for sharing.
This article is hugely helpful. I have a 3 and 5 year old with a highly narcisstic father, left him 2 years ago and he’s been a constant source of stress and upset. I’m only just starting to get to grips with how to deal with it. I’m so scared that my 5 year old son especially, will become narcisstic like his dad. Can it be genetic? How do I provide guidance so he doesn’t model himself on his dad, who he of course idolizes at the moment? Thank you.
Hi Jessica, No. I don’t believe it’s genetic. It’s social and environmental. Your son will likely not become a narcissist especially if you are role modeling normal parenting behavior. Teaching the basics and LOVING your son will prevent this syndrome or disorder from striking him. I hope that makes sense. Please do consult a therapist or psychologist further. Wishing you all the best.
I appreciate this article. I read it because I believe my ex-husband to be a narcissist. However, my eldest daughter, who originally sympathized with me (not at my request but organically) during our divorce has turned on me with the help of her therapist who has used the definition of narcissism you present here to present me as the narcissist. In a nutshell, my ex started watching porn obsessively, lost his ability to maintain an erection and eventually began to cheat with strangers at conferences, prostitutes and eventually found a married sociopath who was willing to do everything he saw in his porn videos. I took care of the kids while he traveled for business, lovingly continued to be faithful when he told me he just “didn’t like sex” and never did anything to undermine his manhood. Our kids were good students and I encouraged and helped them. If they got a bad grade because they didn’t try, I made them put in the work. If they got a less than perfect grade when they were trying, I supported them and assured them they were doing what was important–learning and putting in effort. My eldest wanted to go to an Ivy league and so I helped her put in the effort to get a 4.5 GPA. Now, she tells me that I am a narcissistic parent forcing her to live in my image because I won’t let her be herself. And by that she means a pot-head. Yes, that’s right. I won’t let her buy and sell weed or spend all of her free time getting stoned. I confiscated all her drugs, made her keep track of her finances so she couldn’t spend them on drugs and won’t let her have the keys to MY car that she gets to drive unless she can pass a THC test. My ex, on the other hand, doesn’t give a damn what she does but he buys her nice clothes and tells her what a bummer it is I won’t let her have her car keys and tells her all kids experiment. He left me because he decided that he had been thinking only of other people and he had done me the favor of watching porn instead of insisting I be a porn star and now he wants to really experience a gang bang and sex with a transexual. He talks incessantly about his success–I gave up my career to move with him so he could be the success he is. By your definition I’m the narcissist. The only narcissistic thing I’ve ever done is claim I’m not one. Your article is good and makes some good points but it’s so vague teens can use this rhetoric to blame parents who help their kids achieve justify crap like doing drugs and blowing off school and the dead-beat, actually narcissistic, parent ends up looking like the alienated “good parent.” Bottom line–a narcissist isn’t necessarily the parent that is claiming to be the victim or the one that gets left or the one feeling like he/she wants the love of the kids.
Lisa Thomson: Hello. Your piece is very informative and helpful to me. I have a few questions as my Narc has a little different ‘mo.’ He has replaced me as his wife with our 25-yo son, giving him the respectful, conversational manner that I should be getting, while I get hostility and negativity when he deigns to even answer or speak to me at all…and he treats me this way in front of our son who lives at home with us rent- and other expenses-free, per his narc. this seems abusive to my son, even though he doesn’t realize it, and may it leave him with ‘woman issues’ as he ages? I firmly believe now that the narc turned my kids against me without them realizing when they were very young. My daughter, a twin to my son, lives in another state and married a man, against her father’s advice to just ‘shack.’ Result: the narc refuses to recognize the husband’s presence in her life. She has a traumatic brain injury, from a childhood event, which has her having been professionally diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, and dissociative syndromes. in other words, she has mental-processing difficulties and is heavily dependent upon her husband to assist her in everyday life functioning. her narc-dad refuses to even read the evaluation and acknowledge her difficulties, meaning she can’t discuss the real issues of her life with him, and has to pretend along with him that she’s just fine because that’s the only way he’ll relate to her. if she tries to bring-up any topic he doesn’t acknowledge, he just ignores it and changes topic. this seems very abusive to me, and he is constantly calling her to talk and make plans, which, when they don’t work-out, he just ignores, leaving her calling me to ask why he does that, expressing frustration. both my kids, at 25, seem still too young to discuss their father’s narc-ness with them. does this seem reasonable? I have been ‘sandbagged’ by the narc, and have no parental authority with my kids now, and neither kid shows any empathy toward me. besides just letting time pass, have you any suggestions regarding how to react beside the mostly non-argumentative, mostly silent stance I’ve adopted?
After my husband of then 33 years walked out of our long term marriage suddenly, I began to research how this happened to me. I found the book Runaway Husband’s which helped me immensely to understand some personality deficiency traits which then led me to finding the book– Freeing Yourself From The Nacisissist in Your Life. The author explained that narcissists are Shameful, But Shameless, and used people to their own gains.
This is truly what my now ex did to me, and then when he was done and could no longer gain anything from me, he left me.
Narcissists do not make good parents because they are too self-absorbed with themselves. Our 2 sons did not measure up to what their father wanted them nor expected them to be. Our sons struggled in school, both in special education with needs that were far above what their father could handle. My ex had obtained not only a bachelors in business but a masters’ degree plus more. Our youngest is mentally disabled and his father will not have anything to do with him nor our oldest.
If I had only seen this defect in him years ago, had I actually known what a narcissist even meant as I only thought my ex was goal orientated- I would have left him decades ago. Regret is the hardest part of my recovery from the carnage that still haunts me to this day.
I am curious if you have any advice for working with the court systems. My ex made claims of child abuse. After investigation and recommendations from both DHS and the children’s GAL (attorney for them) to not intervene, the judge ruled a no-contact order based on claims from my ex that I was emotionally manipulating. In fact he was and is. We are now working on reunification, except I have no contact for nearly 25 weeks now. My youngest will skype with me, but he has entirely isolated the other two (the claim in court was that I was isolating by playing favorites). We are about to start in-person therapy with my youngest since she is the only one willing. I greatly fear he’ll use this against her and to further isolate the other two kids.
The GAL and two therapists have openly suggested that the claims made by the kids appear to be coerced lies. But there is no official movement in a direction to change the dynamic that is furthering this isolation control and abuse.
Are there tools for helping eduacate the court around their topic to see what is really happening and that the decision of the court is victimizing the kids?
Hi Kathleen, I’m sorry to hear about your nightmare. Yes, I believe there are systems in place that are designed to help judges understand these scenarios more clearly. One of the well known court system advocates for moms is author Tina Swithin. She has been through a similar situation and has written a few books to help women. She also advocates and is working toward educating judges. Please check her out as she may have some good advice for you or at least you could get her book. https://www.facebook.com/TinaSwithinLLC/
Thank you so much for this article. I am divorced and remarried living in another state now. My x demanded my child stays in his state and says he feels uncomfortable coming out for scheduled visits. He is a complete narcissist and has made our child his best friend now. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.
I will make this as short as possible. First off,thank you for sharing, this hits home deeply and it’s a very good read and in depth look into NPD to which many people are unaware or uneducated about the topic.
I married my best friend, he treated me great, as friends should, but once we got married and had a baby it all changed. After the numerous police reports, calls to CPS and taking letters (she is in fear of her dad) written by my daughter to the police station and was told that it is not considered abuse if she isn’t covered in scrapes and bruises. Are you kidding me??
I have YEARS of documentation of his violations of the parenting plan but he comes at me with a letter from his daddys’ office (attorney) stating that I am violating the PP by taking my daughter to the orthodontist and to see a counselor without his consent! I was taking her to therapy BECAUSE OF HIM!! This family is sick and twisted and enable each other to accomplish whatever it is they desire by tearing apart innocent children who clearly don’t want to live with him.
All of this would be over and I would have sole custody if his daddy wasn’t protecting him. It sickens me that a grandfather can do that to his granddaughter, much less her own father. THE ABUSE IS REAL AND DEVASTATING, PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!!
My daughter 20 yrs old is getting help after my ex-husband said some nasty stuff to her after she confronted him about his conversation on the phone with his new girlfriend. He had to explain to this woman why she was staying with him during a week visit. She feels he’s now punishing her. Is they a book I can buy her on narcissistic father? She needs all the help she can get. She’s also getting counseling. Please advise. Thank you.
Elizabeth, I felt like I was reading my life falling apart again reading your story. I just wish there were groups like this when I was going through it and that was 40 years ago. My heart is heavy now as I write this thinking of all the women that are and have gone through something so hurtful as a mother and know how their children are being hurt by a narcissistic father.
Do not think it will end because they never give up trying to hurt you for leaving them. Mine said if I tried to get custody of my 2 children he would hire someone to go to court saying I was an unfit mother and he would steal my car and when I called asking why he did such a thing, all he said is if I didn’t have my kids back at his house in a half hour he would call the police. All that did was make me stronger! I would even like to someday thank him for all the evil things he thought up to hurt me backfired because I was not going to let him use his emotional abuse on me anymore. He emotionally abused my children, especially my son who was 7 at the time and was the joy in my life and he knew this so whatever he could do to hurt my son would hurt me. Having them call me Cathie and the new stepmom was now their mom. Now my daughter is grown and my great grandchildren are being kept from me and my daughter doesn’t believe that is what he is doing. She and my 2 grand daughters are now estranged for a year and he wins them with trips and money. I am not sure what the future holds but I know he has broken me by keeping the great grandbabies from me, BUT I won’t let them know it. I do say that my son still loves me and has told me that he understands now why i had to do what i did just to save myself, he is the one bright light and hope in my life. There are so many more horrid things he did through the years but to long for here.
I would like all women going through this to know if I went through this from age 18 and a 10 yr marriage and never worked before, but with $300 dollars my mom sent me that they can make it and you know how angry it will make him ; ) . Don’t give up any of you, there are people out there to help you and just keep on working on healing yourself!
Thank you so much for sharing your story and encouragement with us, Cathie.
I just recently lost custody of my now 4 year old son , to my narcissistic ex who is a forensic psychologist (working at the jail) and who was also my oldest sons doctor. He took me to court after telling me that he didn’t want my child due to the fact he might lose his license because of what he did (manipulating me and making me believe my fiance at the time was not a good man, so he could be with me by telling me he would be the better man)
After having our child, He also threatened me saying that if I took him to court to get child support,he would take off with my child and i would never be able to see my baby ever again.
Because he has money, and had two lawyers ( I couldn’t afford one, so I had no one to defend/help me. ) Every legal person from this town made sure I didn’t get the help I needed. I did everything I could to keep my baby near me but I failed.
Because he had money and connections… I had lost my child.
So after the two years that psychologist need to be able to get away with the harm they do to their patience and mothers….He took me to court and won. He was able to change his name as well.
I have never been in trouble with the law and yet they treated me like a criminal. I can only have 2 phone visits with my little love. He doesn’t understand why he can’t be with me. I don’t even understand, so I wouldn’t expect him to.
His father doesn’t care about his feelings and that he cries for me, he just tells him if he cries then he needs to get off the phone and or hands up. If I start to cry, my child now says “bye bye mommy…I love you.” And hangs up.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money to get help from someone in another town. And the free legal help didn’t help me like they knew I needed. They all stick together even when it’s against the law…they still stick together.
I don’t know what to say to my baby love …for the reason why I’m not picking him up. Or why He isn’t here. He even tried explaining In his way that he doesn’t need diapers anymore… Thinking that is the reason why I don’t want him. The look on his eyes trying to understand why… It pains me.
Someone please…please tell me what I can do or say to my little love to help him understand why I can’t be with him. And please explain to me why I can’t get the help i desperately need.
How do I get my baby back? I am a very good mom that took him to all his appointments and even got him help with his speech therapy. I had him in school. I did everything right. So why could I not keep him safe from his narcissistic father? I would never keep him from him, no. I understand that every child needs their mother and father. So why… Why has he been allowed to take him away from me?
I need advice from anyone who can give it pleases. I know it’s not the same feeling until your in that situation… But please understand that my child needs me and the love I have. He isn’t getting any love by his father only abuse.
I need all the help i can get.
This is a very good article. However, it could be gender neutral, in that narcissism is not a purely male trait. I have a narcissistic ex wife, and my experience is very similar, even after nearly 18 years of separation. It is a helpful read for those with narcissistic exes of either gender.
I agree. This is a wonderful article that describes the situation I’ve had with my ex-wife over the past 10 years. I actually believe it’s sometimes harder for men to deal with these situations, as we are traditionally less likely to talk about our feelings and seek support. And courts and other professionals often seem reluctant to think of a mom as being narcissistic, which I think makes it harder for men to fight against false allegations and smear campaigns.
Boy do I identify with this and it turned out to be a total disaster and dangerous situation. It would have been far better to leave when the children were small…for me and for them.