I must admit this question is most difficult. As difficult as “which came first the chicken or the egg?” I asked a lot of women about their happiness status and found no clear answer. Happily married women of course said married women are happier than single women are. Happily single women said they were happier. But there’s a lot of unhappy out there too. If you’ve got a great guy and you’re happy then more power to ya but let’s concentrate on those of us who don’t.
Single and Looking?
First let’s consider the women who are hungry to check off that box labeled married. Will marriage make them happy? I don’t know but getting married just to check off a box is crazy. It’s sad. But it’s a reality.
There’s something inside us that fuels the desire to be married. If we are not married then we’re missing something. There’s something wrong with us. So, goal oriented girls are striving to achieve this status. Why isn’t miss “over achiever” married? She’s too demanding. She’s unrealistic. She’s self-centered. The list goes on and on.
If she’s 30ish and not married yet then she’s really looking for Mr. Right. Chances are she won’t find him or she’ll settle. She’ll marry someone just to get that ring and have her special day but she’ll be with someone who will not satisfy her in the long run and the chances of divorce are very high.
Unhappy and Married?
On the flip side we have the unhappy but married group of women. These women are people pleasers. They are very likely married to a man that is a narcissist and a control freak. He is likely a sociopath that has no empathy for her feelings, their children’s’ feeling or for that matter anyone’s feelings. He probably seduced her with his charm and before she knew what was really going on, she was so wrapped up in the excitement of getting married and starting a family that she overlooked his many faults.
As the honeymoon phase ended she was feeling trapped. But, being the nice girl that she is, she’s stuck it out. If she does find the nerve to end the marriage she will very likely fall prey to another man with the same qualities. I don’t know why but it’s in our wiring. After three failed marriages I can admit I am in this category. And I’m damn happy to be free.
Divorced and Happy?
It’s been over a year since my separation and my divorce was final. I actually went out on a date a few weeks ago. It was great. It was fun and romantic and I agreed to another date. But at this stage my narcissist radar is on high alert. On the second date he started to explain to me how he was and how he liked things and when I protested he informed me that I’d learn. Raise the red flag. There won’t be a third date. I’m older and wiser and not crazy hormonal. My kids are adults and I’ve gotten quite comfortable without a man.
I am without a man but I still have PTSD. The other day I had to work late and I started to have a panic attack. I had to remind myself that I could control it. No one was waiting for me. No one was freaking out because I was late. No one was making me feel guilty. No one was ever going to control me again.
So, MY answer to the question is yes single women are happier than married women. It’s sad really because I consider myself a great catch. Thinking back I was caught. I was seduced. I was lied to. I was taken advantage of. I was treated badly. I got out. I got right back in. I got out again and now I’m done. I finally get it. After 30 years with three men I get it.
I’ve had several people tell me that I’ll meet a nice man. Unfortunately at 51 the man pool is polluted. Guys my age that are divorced or never married are not what I am looking for. I’ve learned that when they tell me how bad they had it and how crazy their ex’s were they are lying or they have an unrealistic opinion of what really happened. Either way, I’m at the point where I assume they are divorced because they were crappy husbands or never married because they are too self-centered and I’m not buying whatever it is they’re selling.
Men my age just want to have sex. Honestly it comes up on the first date. I know you know I’m not a virgin but jeez can we get to know each other first? Not only that they aren’t that great looking. Their peak body is long gone and I don’t need or want to settle for something that I’m not attracted to.
I think a solid marriage is one where the couple knew each other when they were young and formed a love and a bond that enabled them to grow old together with the understanding and respect of what marriage is and what forever means. They want it, they work at it and I wish that for every married couple. Men my age that think like that are married and have been for 30 years. I’m not going to find one. I have to be okay with that. I didn’t get happily married and I don’t want to be unhappily married. So for me and for many like me, single is happier.
I can so relate to your experiences. After going through a very contested divorce after 20 yrs with a controlling narcissist, I was so hopeful to find a better guy and get married again. I tried very hard with dating for 5 yrs. Now that I am 51, I agree with you that the dating pool of what’s available is a scary place to visit let alone sign on for a long term commitment.
I’m now focused on my business and personal goals for the first time ever. It’s powerful and exciting to be the first priority in my own life after spending so many years sacrificing for my 3 kids and ex-husband.
Wow. I’m all three. In my late 20s I met someone, settled, got married, was unhappy, then at 48 got divorced and now I’m happily single and not looking. I found the same thing that you did. That men my age are not attractive to me and they don’t even seem to TRY to be attractive. They have pot bellies, wear dirty or disheveled clothing, sneakers or flip flops all the time and baseball caps with unkempt hair underneath (or no hair, but that doesn’t really bother me). People keep telling me that I’ll find somebody but I really don’t want a man in my life. Just the thought of being critisized (I have PTSD too), manipulated or controlled makes me cringe. I don’t want someone sleeping in my nice, clean bed or messing up my bathroom sink with hair or toothpaste. I enjoy my life and being single. I’m also 51.
It’s been 3 years since my divorce became final. I am happuer now as a single woman. Why, my story is one in which I did not marry a person who shared my same values. Now living with two kids in my own space there is nothing like it. After divorcing I think it is paramount to establish your independence and savor it in your iwn space. Now as far as dating at 46 (soon to be 47), the pool is definitely limited. Tgere are those who have never been married at this stage and have no clue on my challenges, then there are the ones who never had children so juggling a child &babysitter is foreign and last but not least the divorced who are now traumatized with monogamy and actually caring about another individual besides themselves. Middle age is tough for dating and way to challenging for me to care at this point. I’m enjoying my space to finally breathe and raise two individuals to leave the nest.
Well it is all of what you make of it the way that i look at it especially for many of us men that would’ve preferred being married with a good wife and family had we been that blessed to find that special good woman for us which unfortunately still hasn’t happened yet. I will certainly admit that being a single man for me really sucks now especially since most of my friends that i know are all settled down with their families today since they have that gift of life that i would’ve wanted as well.
See, guys, this is exactly why you should have nothing to do with females. They will pressure you to get married so they can take all your stuff when they divorce you. Straight from the horses mouth.
What can a female offer a man other than a 75% chance she will ruin your life?
Even though you are the victim females will always blame you and NEVER take any responsibility or accountability.
Of what possible use is a female to a man?
Go MGTOW.
In any event, 2 technologies will be released in 2020 which will make females completely redundant to men. Hubots (androids) and ectogenesis. Any man can can create Paradise on Earth for himself. All he has to do is work for it. Paradise is not free. So, guys, time to pull your finger out and get earning and saving. You will need $265,000US (2013 estimate and down from $1.3M in 2005)
Any man can have the most stunningly beautiful and sexy thang he has ever seen in his life because she is exactly what you order. You can never argue with her about facts because she knows more than you could ever hope to learn in your life time as a full time student. You will never again have to pay for an accountant, a teacher, a doctor, a chef, etc etc.
Men have sacrificed themselves for the good of females for the last 3.5 million years of hominid history. No more. Now it’s time for men to live in bliss for the next 3.5 million years.
(Most/Many) Men of any age just want sex. Sad but true. Sometimes they may want the other things that come with it, but at the end of the day, their bottom line is sex.
It just gets more difficult as older women because 1. they aren’t interested in us anyway and 2. they know they don’t have to play the courting game to get sex anymore (which is a good thing for us, as they show their hand earlier) but bad for us because it makes it a very discouraging and boring dating pool.
I’m sure there are men out there that are different. Or who sincerely believe they are different. I’m dating two right now that I sincerely hope may actually prove me wrong. But I”m not holding my breath. Just enjoying what I can while I can at this point, and if they turn out nice well that’s great. But I’m not getting my hopes up again either.
Some women are blessed enough to attract men that aren’t users. I have not been one of those women up to this point.