Once it became known amongst my family and a few close friends that I was divorcing my husband and in love with another man, the most common question I received was whether or not it was an emotional or physical affair. I have wondered a lot to myself about the differences…and the need for people to know what boundaries had been crossed. I have also observed that most people are adamant in their feelings of which one is worse. I thought it strange that it would matter what KIND of affair I was having.
At the end of the day my decision to seek happiness outside my marriage was one that had little to do with any kind of reasoning. It was not a rational decision…and yet people want so badly to make a very selfish, irrational choice something that has to make sense.
My affair began as an emotional affair but it did not take long for it to become physical. The attraction between me and 40 (as he will be known) is undeniable. I think we both fought it off and hoped maybe just being friendly and not crossing any physical lines would mean we weren’t really doing anything wrong. However, in my heart and in my mind I knew I was in love with someone who was not my husband. It was an emotional affair that led to a physical affair with the emotions still in tow.
I’m sure if you were to ask my ex, the emotional affair is what hurt the most. I honestly think it is easier to overcome something that is purely physical. In the case of our marriage we were not trying to mend things. He had his own set of bad acts and my affair just made it abundantly clear we did not need to be together. However, I have known couples who have survived both emotional and physical affairs so I am not saying it is not possible. It would just stand to reason that if there is no real bond between two people other than a physical attraction it would be much easier to walk away.
The emotions I felt for 40 were unlike the emotions I had ever felt for any other man. It was the early days of flirting and talking that I look back on now and realize told me everything I needed to know about what was going to happen. The emotional affair began for me without any realization that it could be as life changing as it was. I always say I do not condone our actions, but I also do not regret falling in love.
The physical affair began after many conversations about what we wanted out of our relationship. We naively thought we could give it a shot, see what happens, then walk away. In those days we thought maybe just taking things to that level would make it not as appealing anymore. We were lying to ourselves obviously. It was our way of excusing our actions. It only took one time. We were hooked. The physical only reaffirmed what my emotions had been telling me. This man was different.
I know that stories of affairs are meant to end with turmoil and sadness and lives destroyed. While my affair led to me finally calling it quits in a marriage that had long been over, it is definitely not the reason we fell apart. An affair is always a symptom of bigger problems. I have stood by not making excuses for my actions, but oddly enough it was the affair that set both me and my ex free. There was no huge drama. There were no trashy fights between him and 40. I think he knew he wanted out just as badly as I did.
It would not have mattered in my marriage if it had been an emotional or a physical affair. I had shut myself off from my relationship because there was no fixing the years of damage that had been done. You cannot be the only one wanting to mend a marriage, and for eight years I had been the only one who cared. We just didn’t know when to say when.
It is impossible to know what life will bring you, and I did not foresee falling in love with another man, but I will always be thankful for the love he has shown me and the awakening he inspired in me.
photo credit: Tony-vs via photopin cc
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You may have stated your actions were not a rational decision, but I truly think it was. Your statement, “I always say I do not condone our actions, but I also do not regret falling in love,” indicates logic prevailed in your decision making. Both of you were both wanting happiness. Your divorce will make you happy, but your new man has the potential to bring you the ultimate happiness!
Should you have had an affair? I will neither condone it nor condemn it. Obviously, your marriage was failing; “there was no fixing the years of damage that had been done”.
These days, there seems to be more interest in happiness than ever. In my opinion, it is not narcissism or self-centeredness on anyone’s part. I think more and more people are no longer afraid to realize this desire and need. It is why over 40% of Baby Boomers have experienced a divorce. We want a more fulfilling marriage, and to be joyful in our relationships. Living miserably with someone for decades is not an option.
Time heals the wounds.
And, happiness is worth the struggle.
Good luck with your second marriage! It looks like you have learned from your past marital mistakes, and will make your new life stronger and happier than before.
Hi Claire, I just read one of your (latest) article on Huffington Post and I feel like I am experiencing a moment of serendipity! I have just read your other arricles and I love them! I am going through a very similar (God, almost identical) situation and it is so refreshing to read an article that is non-judgey and positive. You have inspired me. Thank you. PS how can I follow you?
Claire. Why did’nt you just end the relationship and then be free and avoid the hurt to other people. Relationships dont always work. why take the cowardly way out by having an affair.
Hi Kerry!
Thank you for the kind words. I was hoping people would see from my story that we are all human, we all make mistakes and there is no need for judgment. People only know a very small portion of my story and until they have lived in my marriage it is not for them to decide what I could or should have done. I do not condone my actions…or think I handled the very end of my marriage the way I should have…but I am trying to learn and grow from that and not repeat history. You can reach me at [email protected] or follow me on DivorcedMoms. I look forward to hearing from you!
Glad that you were honest to yourself but honesty to your husband and children would have gotten you the respect and understanding you are seeking here.
Claire,
You are very courageous for sharing your open, honest experience. You have no idea how refreshing this is. Along with you and Kerry, I have been going through the same thing (no kids though, and was married under 3 years). After feeling like nothing but a shameful failure, and hearing from family that I’ll just go to hell for leaving my marriage, it just feels nice knowing that others understand what I’m going through…that others understand that the whole situation is so much more complex than ‘oh, I was tempted and broke my vows for some fun.’ I am so much happier and stronger, even though my relationship with my family is different and I disappointed a lot of people. I pray that you continue to find strength in your journey and that you and your kids can heal and grow stronger through it all 🙂
C
I hope you and your family find a way to move past this and heal. I understand the feelings of being a disappoinment or not living up to the expectations of your family or those you have placed on yourself. I am glad you have stumbled across this and found some people with similar stories to help you feel not quite so alone. I wish you nothing but the best!
You say:
“I know that stories of affairs are meant to end with turmoil and sadness and lives destroyed. “
Then you say:
“I’m sure if you were to ask my ex, the emotional affair is what hurt the most.”
You say:
“I have stood by not making excuses for my actions”
Then you say:
“You cannot be the only one wanting to mend a marriage, and for eight years I had been the only one who cared”
You also say:
“In the case of our marriage we were not trying to mend things. He had his own set of bad acts… ”
Hi Claire, as you know it is not always the guy who is the culprit. I have been married 38 years and just discovered my wife has been having an affair with a married man with 3 children. I thought I was giving her the attention and affection that she needed but she needed some additional emotional support that I missed and she turned to sex. I have never strayed, truth. She is going to wind up getting hurt by this affair when it ends as he will walk away and will not leave his family. It is just convenient sex. D
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It is easy to say my marriage was long over but you need to justify the affair to some degree. It’s not like the Ex Husband is here having his say
i read this and thought “why did my wife not make the change?” – she had an emotional turned physical affair years and years ago: She made it clear that that the sexual side of our marriage was not something she enjoyed with me and whilst i tried she was not interested. We did have some intamacy but it was a case of back turned to me just get it over kind of approach and inevitably i stopped. I guess at its height we were intimate once a month but have not for twelve years.
Why would she stay?
In the early days i was a successful business manager and we did well and have a great house, had holidays and she only did odd jobs. Then later on she went to Uni got here degree [i financed the whole time] she is now successful. I am no longer working.
Now in the twilight of life I wonder why she went through a marriage? had her affair with older married guy [who she maintains was emotional and somewhat physical [whatever that means]].
she could easily have checked out – I would not because i am committed but also thought it selfish if i based marrige solely on intamacy – know better now.
Wow… this is just a giant “go for it” sign isn’t it? This advice is going to hurt a lot of people. You’re glorifying cheating.
What advice? I see nothing here but a story of how ONE woman cheated on her husband. I don’t see advice on how other women can cheat on their husbands. And, if you read the comments you’ll see that this writer didn’t get a positive response to her story which puts a damper on your belief that a lot of people will be hurt. You need to read an article before commenting on an article. It might help keep you from looking foolish next time.
What a rude response from one of the editors. To call one of your readers foolish!! How disappointing.
I agree that this article does come across as a big sign “to go for it”. The comments are full of “liberated” people justifying the pain they’ve caused to their ex’s, children, friends and family. Affairs are a cowards way out. Break up with someone if you’re not happy, but don’t drag their emotions and their ego’s through the mud because of your cowardice.
There are sites that I have recently stopped visiting. The Goodmen Project being one of them and I will no longer be following this site. While I do believe that there are nuggets of gold here, I feel like the incestuous nature of cheaters and websites that support them is pathetic and sad.
I’ll pass on the continuing to support a site that has become an “Eat, Pray, Love” book club for narcissists!
Hi Claire,
First off, I would like to congratulate you in finding your second chance at love and happiness and sharing your story. I wish you and your new husband long lasting happiness.
Secondly, I disagree with all the holier than thou negative comments on here. As if there is some manual to life that is compatible for every cookie cutter individual life and situation which apparently you are in violation of. Do not pay them any mind.
Finally, my commenting here may be a little unorthodox, as I am a man who’s wife cheated on me with another man, and she went on to divorce me and marry him. I’m probably something of a diamond in the rough in that I have come to understand that I was more at fault for this than she was. ‘Cheating’ probably is not the right word to describe her affair, as if she was the one doing something wrong in simply finding what I was not providing, emotionally, and perhaps physically as well.
It took me a while to understand this after the divorce, and sure, from the time her affair came to light and throughout the process of the divorce, I was bitter and angry with her. But I am over that and have come to realize that it was me who was at fault and I’ve taken the whole episode as a chance to improve myself.
I’m happy to say that I now am very happy for my ex wife that she has found the happiness and love she deserves with her new man, and recently we have been able to talk and interact amicably more as friends instead of as ex’s.
Had/having an emotional affair for the past 2+ years that turned physical 2 wks ago. We did not have sex, but basically everything else. The part that hit me the hardest..wasn’t the physical acts, but the hugging, snuggling..the real intimacy. Well, 48hrs post he tells me he feels major anxiety about getting caught and guilty cause he knows he shouldn’t have cheated; I much less. With the detailed fantasies, sexual feelings, photos and talks of a future parallel life together,, hasn’t he been cheating all along? .
That being said he wants to continue the emotional part of the affair, but doesn’t “think” he can be physical with me again. WTH..I don’t know or not ready to admit what I want.. maybe scared as he has already told me he will not leave, which I didn’t think that was even an option, but still stung.
I do love him and he loves me, so I am truly torn. IRight or wrong, we were to be each other’s escapes, but to keep our marriages for convenience going. I should probably also share that we were each other FIRST loves at 14. There’s LOTS of history but we have NEVER had sex.
Please help..do we reset back to just friends for now, knowing full well it could lead us back. How do I cut ties with someone I’ve know longer that my husband or he his wofe.