It’s tax season, and my ex just handed down one of his rare decrees. After informing me that he was claiming our daughter as a deduction, he went on casually to say that he was expecting to list himself as head of household and hoped I was “okay” with that.
It doesn’t matter how I feel. I have primary physical custody of our daughter, so he cannot claim head of household; even if I wanted to grant him that right, I couldn’t. Because of the disproportionately large income he earns, I had given him the right to claim her as a deduction, but even there he had things wrong. He can’t just do it. It’s not spelled out in the divorce papers, so he needs my permission. And a form with my signature on it.
Since he left almost three years ago, my ex’s narcissism has caused any number of problems, large and small. Narcissists are functionally delusional/, and on top of that, they lie a lot. Their lies are a bit hard to pin down because they stem not only from a sense of entitlement but also from the shame they feel at ever being wrong. One never knows if the lie is malicious or simply an attempt to cover their ass.
For instance, when my ex says he wants to list himself as head of household, I have to wonder: Is this just about trying to save some cash, or is it evidence of something darker — say, an attempt to establish a paper trail to obtain shared custody at some later date? Does he even know the law, or did he just pick up a few catch phrases to try and appear erudite?
Knowing that the person you married has no moral compass except the desire to look good in the eyes of other people produces this kind of paranoid thinking. You worry about what they might do, because you know that, under the wrong influence, they could do just about anything.
Remaining ever vigilant like this is bad for your mental health, though. It will make you crazy. It will make you seem crazy when you talk about it.
So take a deep breath, and embrace this essential fact: You can’t win for losing once you divorce a narcissist. Basically, you are screwed. But things could be worse — you could still be married to him — and there are ways to minimize the damage.
Understand the Narcissistic Mindset
Yes, there is a list of diagnostic criteria. All you really need to know about a narcissist, though, is that they live in a grandiose fantasy, like a film or a play, in which they are the central figure. This fantasy is hardcore. It’s not something they dream about while they should be working, the way we dream about losing weight on a diet of Indian food or being loved for who we really are. To them, it is reality, and if you tamper with that reality, they become focused on revenge.
If you tell a narcissist his perception is false, he will want to make you pay. If you make a narcissist look bad, he will want to make you pay. If you out a narcissist, he would rather deprive the kids economically than tolerate a scenario in which you have enough money to live on. He’s not thinking about the kids. He’s thinking about making you pay.
Thus, if you think that just because you are divorced, you can finally stand up to your narcissistic ex, guess again. As long as he has leverage — and to him, the kids are powerful leverage/ — and an audience that supports his agenda, he will continue to mess with you.
Assume Indifference
That’s why you need to react as little as possible to the things he does that drive you crazy. You are going to want to fire off an angry email when the kids show up with a suitcase full of dirty clothes. You are going to want to say, “It’s not cool that our daughter met your new girlfriend when she walked in on the two of you in bed.”
You finally have evidence that he is the one thing you didn’t even dream to uttering during the marriage — incompetent, callous, you name it — and you want to shout it from the rooftops.
Here’s what you have to understand, though. In his mind, mistakes are something other people make. Everything he does is justified. He was too busy to wash the clothes because he has an important job. Sex is a natural thing, and it’s no big deal when a kid is exposed to it.
You can’t argue with this logic. Don’t even try. Just realize instead that he didn’t do these things to inconvience you or hurt your child. He did them out of complete indifference to other people because his focus was elsewhere at the time. These things were not part of his script.
Be as Boring as Possible
There are only two ways to get a narcissist’s attention. You either validate the fantasy, or you violate it.
It’s too much to ask, however, that you actively endorse his incompetent or awful behavior, especially if you were a victim of abuse/. You need to be angry to heal. You need to embrace the authenticity of your experience.
On the other hand, if you let him know how you really feel, there’s a good chance he will try to make you pay.
The solution is to be as unemotional in your interactions with the narcissist as possible. This really works. However, the advice is extremely difficult to process, let alone put into practice.
For years, you thought you were dealing with a man who was just wounded, or uncommunicative, or had a bad temper. You yelled and pleaded and bargained and capitulated. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes he seemed to respond. But he wasn’t responding to you. He was responding to you because, as his wife, you played a central role in his fantasy.
Now that he is gone, you are a bit player. What you thought was engagement was just self-interest. What you thought was love was enmeshment. Outside of a court order — which could lead to an escalation of legal battles that destroys you economically and ruins your kids’ lives — you cannot get him to pay alimony on time or be a better parent. Nor can you get him to “co-parent.” He will not take his responsibilities seriously unless he wants to impress someone else.
In most cases, you simply have to let it go. Resist the impulse to say “I told you so” when your son breaks his arm because your ex let him hold the dog’s leash while riding his bike. Say, “What time would you like me to pick him up from the hospital?”
And be there for your kids. However good their relationship with the narcissist seems right now, they are going through the same cycle you did. They are actors in a play they didn’t write. They need someone to cheer them on.
This is a wonderful and simple explanation… THANK YOU…
I will be passing it along to friends and family when they ask me why I don’t tell my ex off or why I allow him to do or not do certain things.
THANK YOU for putting into words exactly how my life “is”
Thanks, Elizabeth. I’m sorry you are going through this as well. People don’t understand, and somehow that can be the worst part in all of this.
One of the best articles on narcissism I’ve read. And I’ve read a lot and written quite a few myself. The best line in the article, “In his mind, mistakes are something other people make. Everything he does is justified.”
If people can come to terms with that idea it is much easier to accept and in return ignore the antics of a narcissist. Once you are no longer part of their agenda the things they do that hurt you isn’t intentional on their part. They are just busy playing the “role” and that is justification for whatever they need to do. It isn’t about anyone else but them.
They don’t take into consideration how their behavior impacts others unless you’ve done something you need to pay for. Generally though they are just living the role. So, it really shouldn’t be taken personally. Just do your best to stay out of their way!
Thanks, Cathy. That means a lot to me.
I am still co-parenting with a narcissistic ex and he often tries to take the kids as a deduction when he it is not his turn. He believes every single year is his turn. I think the IRS finally set him straight on that though.
He hates to be held accountable by anyone- me, lawyers, judges, etc. so I have to pick my battles carefully and breathe deeply to avoid giving him any satisfaction when he tries to set me off again.
I agree definitely one of the best posts I’ve ever read on dealing with a narcissistic ex
My eyes were opened to the fact that my husband has strong narcissistic traits in 2011, after discovering his drug use. Since then I have been educating myself on all things addiction & narcissism. I never would have chosen to learn some of these lessons in this manner but I have looked for whatever positives I can get & can truly say I have grown stronger; I never would have examined my own life had I not been forced to – I was too comfortable with my head in the warm sand… While not ideal, I can see rays of hope that I can have a happier, more complete life than I had before but I’m not looking forward to the divorce that is most likely in my future. THANK YOU for writing one of the BEST pieces I have ever read on how to co-exist with the narcissist.
This is the best thing I have read about divorcing a narcissist. I have been going through the divorce for a year now. He has been trying to paint me as a bad mom, after years of being a stay at home mom that did anything and everything for my kids. I got the text that my daughter hurt her arm, I had to hunt down the hospital she was at and show them my sole custody papers because he refused to tell me where he was taking her. He lies all the time and creates fake naritives about everything. I can only hope the court sees that. As soon as I filed for divorce he has been extra hhorrible. I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with this unnessary stuff. It is true that the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is nothing at all. They love drama/attention and hate when you don’t give them any. It’s hard but have learned to completely ignore him. He can’t stand it.
I think I was married to the worst of them. People call what I have to do as “obsessed” they don’t understand I have to be vigilant. I always have to stay two steps ahead and keep everything documented because of his behavior, lies and manipulation and his attempt to try to hurt me any way he can. i can’t believe I ever stayed married to someone like this for so long.
He has caused so much heartache and emotional abuse not only to me but to my kids. And now the latest thing, he just thinks he can just stop paying support, dodged service and got aggressive with the PI who finally served him. I even have it on video. Then vindicitive and allowed the car he was awarded in the divorce to get repo’d, never taking it out of my name and went and bought himself a car in cash. Then he can walked into court and looks like the nicest innocent guy who couldn’t hurt a fly, attempting to once again tell a story full of lies for people to feel sorry for him. It’s shocking how someone can be like this! I literally have to have an army of attorneys and private investigators to handle it all. I can go on and on about the things this guy has done.
I think I was married to the worst of them. People call what I have to do as “obsessed” they don’t understand I have to be vigilant. I always have to stay two steps ahead and keep everything documented because of his behavior, lies and manipulation and his attempt to try to hurt me any way he can. i can’t believe I ever stayed married to someone like this for so long.
He has caused so much heartache and emotional abuse. And now the latest thing, he just thinks he can just stop paying support, dodged service and got aggressive with the PI who finally served him. I even have it on video. Then vindicitive and allowed the car he was awarded in the divorce to get repo’d, never taking it out of my name and went and bought himself a car in cash. Then he can walked into court and looks like the nicest innocent guy who couldn’t hurt a fly, attempting to once again tell a story full of lies for people to feel sorry for him. It’s shocking how someone can be like this! I literally have to have an army of attorneys and private investigators to handle it all. I can go on and on about the things this guy has done.
This seems to be a very one sided article so I offer a few other reasons that I have seen for men cheating.
1. After years of beratement and sexual neglect, a man is presented with someone who treats him well and fulfills his sexual needs. This combination is the magic elixer to make a man fall in love and stay in love. So, having lost his love for his wife, the conditions for love find him and he can’t resist being loved.
2. Men are men… and as such, they like different styles of sex than most women. A life with a 100% sensual woman can leave a man 100% unsatisfied in bed. Sex is a man’s primary need most of the time and when a woman comes along that is wild in bed and all other things are equal, she will win by a landslide. The man that finds this is not interested in an affair or getting some on the side, he wants this new woman to be his wife in no short order. He will probably do everything to make marraige with her happen.
3. Men love thrill sex. So much so that eventually that desire will drive them to cheat. I have NEVER met a man who got that kind of sex from his wife and didn’t stay faithful. I’ve known many ‘players’ that have found women with sexual intensity and frequency. Once they found a woman like this, they remained faithful because the real need was not to cheat or have variety but to have insane sex with one woman they loved. It’s a misconception and a social construct to say that sensual sex is ‘better’ and erotic sex is ‘morally repugnant’. This is a tactic used to let women get their own way without having to meet the needs of their spouse. Until women grasp that they need to make sure their man is sexually fulfilled with the same intensity that they would like their own needs met, they will not find men who commit long term to a relationship.
Dave, this isn’t an article about cheating. I appreciate you taking the time to enlighten us women (this is a women’s website) about why men cheat. I must say though that sense in all the examples you blame the woman for the man’s cheating you may be a tad bit narcissistic yourself…which by the way, is what this article is about.
I’ve read this article several times and sent it to friends and clients…thank you for sharing. I think we all feel less alone when we read the stories of others who have survived and learned to thrive through these types of divorces.
This is the best article I’ve read. Definately “playing dumb” is the easiest way to stay out of the vortex. The narcissist is convinced you are the dumbest person he knows anyway! After 15 years I finally moved into a rental w my 11 yr old daughter who has special needs. I needed a break from the emotional roller coaster to focus on our future not his which doesn’t seem to include us anyway.
I really appreciate this. For me though, the HARDEST thing to do is not respond. I feel so much rage and anger at my husband’s complete disregard for anyone but himself. He doesn’t pay a speeding ticket for 3 years and it’s deducted from our state tax refund out of the blue, at over a $1k. His license expires and he doesn’t renew it so I can’t get a better auto insurance rate. He flips out over me waking him up at 8pm while trying to put laundry away and leaving the bathroom light on. These are all things that make me fume with anger, and yet, if I express it, he immediately turns it back on me and gets three times as angry. He then tells me all the ways it’s my fault. He couldn’t pay the speeding ticket because it cost $300 which he didn’t have (because he’s had no job for over 3 years) and he didn’t want to ask me for money, because I’m so awful. This is the trap I fall into. He tells me I’m the bad guy. And that makes me even more angry (because obviously it’s not my fault he didn’t pay the ticket!), so then I engage again. I finally told him I want a divorce today. And of course, he screams at me that I’m awful and I would never apologize for anything I’ve ever done to him. He hates me, but he wants to stay married apparently. It’s just maddening. I have to realize that engaging with him in any way is just fruitless. There is NO POINT in expressing my feelings at him. I guess I just need to find a good therapist and get it all out that way. Because trying to get through to this man has been impossible. And I’m sure he will find every way possible to make my life hell throughout divorce. I just have to keep reminding myself that he is living in his own fantasy world and it’s not reality, and I don’t want to be part of it anymore.