“If I treated you the way you treated me, you would hate me” – Sushan R Sharma
My ex he treated me badly. It was years of continuous pain and heartache and him constantly tearing me down with his cold words. When I would pull away he would be tender and sweet, bringing me back around and then he would go cold again. My feelings were always dependent on how he treated me. If he was loving and sweet I was blissfully happy, but if he was in a bad mood (usually taking it out on me) then I was sad and pensive.
Hate is such a strong emotion. It’s a deep and extremely negative emotional feeling. It can take over your thoughts with its intensity. I can honestly say there were points in my marriage when I felt like I hated my husband. I felt alone and unloved. Always questioning and wondering how I ended up where I was. How did I fall so madly in love with someone who was incapable of loving me back?
My marriage was three long years of lying, cheating, and manipulation. About a year into it I realized that my husband was a narcissist and a complete stranger to me.
I started to uncover secrets about him and came to realize that he had an entire other life hidden from me. When I started to question his cheating, instead of coming clean he manipulated me into believing he was only contacting people online (craigslist sex personals) for drugs. (I actually believed this lie because it was better than believing he was cheating and it also gave me something else to focus on…getting him clean)
The web of lies just grew. I soon realized that he was a drug addict and he had no intention of stopping, although he told me that he would. I started to find drugs hidden in our home along with alcohol. He would come home from work with alcohol on his breath and oozing out of his pores. There were nights he wouldn’t even come home and wouldn’t call me or text about where he was and what he was doing. I started getting frantic and constantly checking his phone and emails, always finding evidence of cheating and lies. I started to be disgusted by him and what I was finding.
I felt like I was in a pretend marriage. To the outside world we were happy and in love, but inside our home, we were miles apart. We were hardly intimate and I didn’t trust him at all. I didn’t feel any love or warmth in our home and felt as though I was always walking on eggshells, just to keep the peace. It became just a mask I wore…that of the loving wife and mom.
Last year in June I decided I didn’t want this kind of marriage. I didn’t want my children to grow up thinking that this was how marriage should be. So I left and I haven’t looked back. I am much happier now and I know what to look out for in my next relationship. And, I don’t hate my ex even though some think I should
I should hate my ex, here are 5 reasons I don’t:
1. Hating him would mean that he still has a hold over my emotions. That he still has control, which narcissists thrive on. I will never let him control my emotions again. Hating him keeps him fresh in my mind and that is very unhealthy
2. In order to move forward, I have to love myself and that means forgiving what he has done and letting myself be free from the past. The shackles are gone and my heart is free!
3. These scars from my marriage are a part of who I am. I have gone through a lot of heartache and pain, but I have come out all that much stronger for it. My past doesn’t define my future.
4. Hate has no room in my life now. I am happier than I have been these last few years. It’s so freeing to not be stuck inside the shell of a woman I once was.
5. I don’t want the world to look at me and see a broken woman, I want the world to see a mended woman!
Wow! You are a very healthy individual. I admire you wholeheartedly
Thank you so much!!
Thank you for this post! My 5 year relationship just ended a couple weeks ago and it’s so easy to get wrapped up in “hate.” I mean, it’s much easier to handle and a lot more empowering than feeling sad. However, you’re so right! Positive vibes all around here 🙂
Yes! It is a lot easier to handle and sometimes it feels absolutely justifiable but in the end, it just keeps you wrapped up in a relationship that is over. You deserve to be happy! Thanks for reading!
Absolutely empowering! Well done.
Thank you for the lovely comment!
It takes an amazing amount of courage to forgive – I’m glad you’re able to be free of the manipulation and move forward into a happier, healthier life.
Thank you! I am happy to be free!
2 years later and Yes I am there and yes feels so much better. I don’t forgive his behaviour, never will.
i do not hate anymore that is who he is and it is best to accept a person for who they are and move on!
Thank you for this!
So glad you have been able to move on! It’s definitely much better than dwelling on the past! Glad you could read and comment!
Im so sorry you went through all of that.. your such a beautiful, talented, and amazing woman and you are definitely a lot better off without someone like that. I know you will come across that one special guy… only God knows when. Im so very thankful your life turned out the way it did.. because now I have you for a friend!
Thank you, my sweet friend! Love you so much and thank you for your kind encouraging words!
Getting over an ex is not easy but I love how strong you were after your situation. Even more I love that you wrote this post which shows he has no power over you. That’s such a freeing place to be and I’m so glad you are there. You’re amazing!
Danielle | www.FollowMyGut.com <3
Aw thank you! I thank you for your kind words!
As Buddha says, hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. This is a great post.
Thank you! Buddha is definitely a wise man!
I am so proud that was able to walk away from a toxic relationship. I commend you because I know it’s difficult. I am currently walking away from a tragic relationship and I’m always reminding myself that I don’t need to hate my Ex but I will accept the past and move on. Thanks for sharing your story!
So very happy to hear that you got away from such a toxic relationship! It is definitely difficult. The past can either hinder you or make you stronger. I am glad that you aren’t making room for hate in your heart. Thanks for reading!!
Wow my story is extremely simular to yours, but we weren’t married thank God I didn’t go down that path because we were engaged but I was waiting for things to change before we made the final commitment. I was in a 3 year relationship with my daughters father and he was exactly like your husband. A charming deciettful controling and manipulating narsissit. I have come to realize that the man is actually crazy or insane or both. He lies about EVERYTHING and believes his lies. It is really unfortuanate to have to deal with someone like that. I also left him last year, August, and I tried for the sake out our daughter to still have a co parenting relationship but he was too stuck on being with me than having a relationship with his child and one day things turned really bad and I had to get a restraining order which hasn’t kept him away as to the fact he is in jail right now for violating the order. He has put me through things I never imagined myself going through but regardless I have never hated him and I never will because like you said that would be him still having control over me and I REFUSE to ever let him do that to me.I’m not sure what our future holds, if he’ll change fore his daughter or if he’ll just disappear out of our lives but I put it in God’s Hands.
Thank you for your comment. I think you are incredibly brave for leaving that relationship. I definitely feel and understand how hard it is to co-parent with a narcissist. My ex is the same way with our daughter he is stuck on getting me back instead of being there for her. I have sole custody bc of his drug abuse so I thankfully don’t have to deal with him. I hope that he stays away and that you and your children stay safe. So glad you are refusing to ever let him have control over you again! You and your children deserve to live in a healthy home and being with a narcissist is anything but healthy.
It’s great that you’ve been able to move past any hurt your ex caused. I can only imagine the dissolution of a marriage and the strength that it takes to move past that!
Thank you! It was hard but definitely the best choice for me and my children. Thank you for the comment!
Cant imagine what you must have gone through to be penning this down. Well done girl
Thank you for reading and for your lovely comment!
You’re very brave that you tackled these circumstances in your life gracefully! The most important thing in life is happiness and you can’t make the world happy if you’re not happy!
Wow, Absolutely empowering! You are a very wise woman.
It’s great you got your children safe from alcohol and drugs. When children grow up seeing bad behaviour being tolerated , they think it’s okay.You are a brave person and I am sure a great mom.Not hating is the best way to get closure.Inspiring .