I still remember it like it was yesterday. The excitement of a new relationship. The flutters. The nerves. The pounding heart.
It was a cool March evening. We’d had a double date and enjoyed each other’s company. We talked, we laughed, our hands brushed against each other, and the sparks flew. I’d just come from a failed marriage and this felt like an answer to prayer. I was smitten.
Our first kiss took my breath away. Literally, I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking and my heart was up inside my brain. (Maybe it was in that moment that my heart and my brain switched places, leading me down this very misguided path.) That night, he had me. He had all of me, no questions asked.
That kiss took my breath away. Still, 4 1/2 years later, I can’t breathe.
I’ve heard narcissists described as emotional vampires. It’s unbelievably accurate. That March evening 4 years ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. He dazzled me with his charm (for that night), he swooped in while I was vulnerable, and he preyed on my compassion which he viewed as weakness. Still, does.
Interesting his favorite shows are things like True Blood, Big Brother, and The Walking Dead, and he only watches scary thriller type movies. Ironic? I think not.
I ignored the red flags flying everywhere, denied my friends who begged me not to continue this road and defended him to my family who saw the reality of who he was from day one. I was blind. Delusional. Lost in love.
I’d never met anyone involved in the kind of life he lived. It intrigued me; but mostly, I thought it was a weak period he’d grow out of. People in my world up to that point didn’t operate the way he did. It was beyond my comprehension at that time. I dismissed his irrational, abusive behavior as emotional wounds. Wounds I had the power to heal. I excused his lies, aggression and out of control drinking as a phase. A phase he’d soon grow out of because of his love for me.
I was wrong.
He proved me wrong over and over again during our 4 1/2 years together, and he continues to prove me wrong since our divorce.
I am careful not to diagnose him with a personality disorder, particularly because when substance abuse muddies the water, it’s hard to know what really lies beneath it. However, if the shoe fits, sometimes a person just has to wear it, whether they want to or not.
When I got married, I did so believing that I would have a partner. Someone to do life with. Someone to lean on in times of struggle. Someone who loved me for me, not what I could do for him. I believed I was marrying someone who wanted the same things I wanted. Who was ready to support me and his children in life. Who understood what marriage means.
Again, I was wrong.
Marrying an alcoholic with narcissistic personality traits sets you up for a lifetime of frustration, loneliness, and pain. I took many of the things he did and said personally for a long time, and still struggle with the pain it has caused me and that it will inevitably cause my children. However, I have come to understand that it is simply not about me. There is nothing I can ever do or say that will be right. Many things will never make sense. I will have an eternal hole in the place of many unanswered questions. The truth will always remain twisted. And the reality of who he is underneath the image he presents the world will likely never change.
I found myself in a constant loop of trying to explain the truth to someone who was set on twisting it. It was like living in a fun house. Everything was distorted. On the outside, he presented the image of a loving, Christian husband and father. Even I bought into that image many times. Despite the many times he proved that was, in fact, a lie, I still wanted to believe the lie. My heart wanted him to match the image he created of himself. Because of his alcoholic soul and narcissistic heart, I found myself in a twilight zone of manipulation. I was sucked into the vortex, and like a vampire, my emotions were sucked dry.
I spent hours a day trying to get him to be on the same page as me. To operate in the same world as me. To be truthful. To have a genuine emotion and express it. To care more about his family than he did himself.
No matter how hard I swam away from it, I was inevitably sucked down into the undertow of his reality. A reality that left me wondering at times if he was right and if I, in fact, was the crazy one.
Divorcing someone like that is almost worse than being married to them. Especially if you have kids with the person. Kids bind you forever; so even though we need to walk away from the insanity, we can’t ever fully walk away; and in fact, a divorce just brings all the insanity up to the surface. At times, it has felt like I was married to Satan himself. Now divorcing him, it still feels that way.
Dancing with the devil is scary. Initially, all I saw was the glimmer. The light of the fire. The warmth it provided in a time that I was cold. As time went on, I began feeling the heat in a different way. I got burned and then expected the person who put me in that fire to heal my wounds and get me out. The thing is that the devil will never take you out of his fire. He needs you in it.
I have to get myself out of this fire, with the help of God and the people in my life who live in light, not flames. The intensity of a relationship with someone who has substance abuse issues, as well as other personality disorder traits, is much like living in a fire pit. The light is too bright, the heat is too much to bear, and once you’re in, it’s very difficult to get out. Once you do get out, it’s inevitable to escape without some burns and evidence of the hell you just endured.
Here’s the good news.
Wounds heal. There will be scars and reminders of the life you just left, but scars are evidence you survived something. My marriage to and divorce from an emotional vampire left me breathless. I am still learning to breathe again. But I am getting there. I am still early in the process of the divorce, and I know there are many breathless days ahead of me, but I have stepped away from the fire, allowing the pain of that love to die with the fire. The ashes are ugly, and they will always have an effect on me and my boys lives.
But God brings beauty from ashes. He heals the wounds and covers the scars, and because of that, I can breathe again.
FAQs About Relationships With Narcissists:
Do narcissists take advantage of emotional weaknesses?
Narcissists are known to take advantage of emotional weaknesses, especially when their victims are vulnerable. They can make you fall in love with themselves at first and later leave you baffled because of their manipulative behavior. They feed on your compassion and good nature.
Can I be smitten by a narcissist?
Narcissists are master manipulators and can reel you in with their charming behavior when you have just met. You can feel smitten by their romantic advances at a time when you are vulnerable and yearning for a caring relationship after divorce.
Am I living with a narcissist with a drinking problem?
Many women live with narcissists with drinking problems, thinking they would ultimately rise above this temporary phase. You may think that your company and love would heal a narcissist if you ignored his abusive and irrational behavior a bit more. You may be tolerating his lies, anger and excessive drinking in the hope that his love for you would one day conquer all troubles.
Will an alcoholic with narcissistic traits change?
If you are tolerating a narcissist with alcoholic traits in the hope that he would one day change, you should think again. Narcissists believe they are the salt of the earth and rarely let an opportunity to manipulate others pass. You will continue to suffer pain, frustration, doubt and anger if you live with an alcoholic narcissist in the hope that he will soon change.
What is it like to divorce a narcissistic with an alcohol problem?
Expect the things to get worse if you are contemplating to divorce a narcissist with an alcohol problem. You can be sure of having to deal with an alcoholic narcissist even after divorce if you have children. This keeps you tied to him and his manipulation with an added element of vengeance in the post-divorce situation.
What is life like with a narcissist known for substance abuse?
You will feel stuck in hell if you are living with a narcissist known for substance abuse. The overwhelming abuse and manipulation will leave you doubt your sanity. You will not be able to think right because the narcissist will make you keep on doubting yourself. You will not be able to escape such a situation unscathed.
You express things so well, Rachael. (You are going to be a great writer, I think!) I looked at your profile, and the attitudes there are lovely. They will support you on your way, I believe. Thanks. Ruth Whetsel
Rachel, you and I are living parallel lives. Everything you said is identical to my ex and where I am trying to get to. We have been divorced 7 years and NOTHING has changed as if it is still 7 years ago. A nighmare of Groundhog days…. Thank you for sharing… 🙂
That scares me and saddens me. Its a nightmare, with a few breaks that seem like relief but then turns out, Its just another twist in the story. I’m so sorry! I pray it gets better for both of bus, but I fear it won’t. In which case, I pray we gain strength and wisdom through it and that we can somehow shield and protect our kids from it as much as possible. Its awful and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Thanks for sharing! Its always good to know were not alone, but sad at the same time.
I could have written this. I wish I could say I only wasted 4 years.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I knew I’d waste many more if I didn’t get out now. I pray you’re finding peace and happiness on the other side.
I completely understand every word and feeling you have had the courage to express here. 41 years 7 months and 2 days ago (the week after i turned 17) I married a man who sounds like he could be your ex’s clone. I am still trapped in that cycle. Still confused and so demoralized, I don’t believe I have the strength left to free myself. I use to pray he would commit adultery so that I could finally be freed. Then I would feel ashamed for feeling that way. If I were ever free I could never risk remarrying as I would be to terrified of making a similar mistake. I was so young and vulnerable, now I am old and broken.
Lita, my heart goes out to you as I am in the same situation. I too married quite young and so vulnerable. Over the years we had three children together and life as I knew it became difficult to bare,the worst part being the denial. I would pray for the truth daily not knowing anything about narcissism so I would emotionally turn off my feelings towards him just to survive. During that time, I began loosing myself in excessive spending developing credit card debt. It was horrible that this man could have so much control over me I was horrified, I hit rock bottom until I began to pray for truth and an answer. In time the answer was apparent that my husband of 31 plus years was committing adultery for most of the marriage. It took me years to recover I took my life back, started to rebuild my credit and took control over the finances. Its still burns, however the truth is literally freeing , I am finally recovering from all the years of bewilderment and abuse. You will too as its never too late, do not despair.
I am so thankful I found this! Everything I’m reading is my life! I was a single mom with a 3yo @23. He was so charming and caring so I thought. The verbal abuse started very quickly. Especially when he was drunk. I shared some very personal things with him in the beginning things I’ve never told a sole. Things as a child that I can barley think of. But his charm and catering led me to believe I could trust him and confid in him!! Well it didn’t take long before a drunken rampage ON ME!! He threw all that in my face making me feel dirty and ashamed! I knew better but he had so much control over me mentally!! He’s always been so good with my daughter and everyone loves him nobody would ever believe he’s capable of this drunken rampage of verbal abuse!! I can’t even begin to count how many times he has ripped me to shreds with his screaming and aggressive behaviour. Just mental torture! How terrible of a mother I am a piece of shit I’d be nothing without him! I can go on and on!! He has 2 children that were 4&5 when we met. I hit it off great with them!! Here we are 28 years later and they are like my own kids! Over the years I tried to leave he always threatened me I’ll tell MY CHILDREN ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!! ILL MAKE THEM HATE YOU!! And I gotta say that’s a huge reason I stayed not to mention I’d be nothing without him I’d never make it!! But I sit here and I think about my life with him and it’s like a movie I just stood bye going deeper and deeper in his vortex. I knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life a few weeks in!! But he had me! I swore I’d never marry him. I did. I swore I’d never buy a house with him. Who am I??? He has literally gotten me to the point a few times I just wanted to end my life. (After beating breast cancer) that was a hell itself going thru that with him. All he did was get hammered the night before my chemo and I had to go alone!! I went thru it alone period! My daughter couldn’t take it! Seeing me extream sick and bald! And him being a drunken asshole!! She moved to California. She says it’s not cause of him but I know in my heart it was!! I’m turning 50 this year and I don’t wanna live another day of my life like this!!! I’m a survivor from BC!! I gotta survive this alcoholic narcissist!!! Please any advice out there I’d appreciate it!!!
I’m so sorry to hear that. I knew I’d waste many more if I didn’t get out now. I pray you’re finding peace and happiness on the other side.
Rachael, sadly we also seem to be living parallel lives….although I am not in a full divorce yet. I cannot see how God is going to save it but He has me on my knees everyday, begging for guidance and wisdom as I navigate this extremely volatile and bizarre situation. I have not found any other ladies that believe what I do and have been married to a person who acts bizarrely, has addiction issues, says he loves God and his children and yet twists the truth and the past in every conversation to the point where you cannot have a normal conversation anymore. I do not know where the man I married has gone but he is not here anymore. His fun-loving, easy-going personality is gone and he is filled with irrational behavior, delusional beliefs and has left the children he says he would die for without even saying goodbye. How do you explain it???! The pain is so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like I can’t breathe and I vascillate between wanting to cry and never stop and wanting to smash every plate I have. Thank you for this article. I would love to hear more…how you came to actually getting divorced and how the custody is working out. I have four beautiful children that have been left in his destrcutive wake. If you want to, email me at [email protected]. God bless. Stephanie
Stephanie, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It sounds extremely similar to my situation, although it sounds like you’ve endured it much longer. I’d love to talk to you more and will certainly email you. You can also read more about my experiences and journey through this on my blog at http://threeboysandamom.org in the divorce section. I’m still navigating it all and have much more to say. This is such a difficult path and a devastating road, especially with children involved. Hold your head up and know that you are worthy of true love. I too am a woman of faith and stayed because I believed I was supposed to. I stayed on my knees begging for a miracle, and I believed I was trapped yet believed our story would eventually be one of redemption and faith and perseverance. That doesn’t work if it’s one sided faith though. There are several posts on my blog about this and my experience in the relationship, although I have not written everything yet. I don’t have all the answers and everyone’s path is different. You have to follow your gut and do what you feel lead to do. What’s best and healthiest for you and your children…not what’s easiest. What’s best. Sometimes those things get confused. I’m sending love and prayers your way and hope to hear more from you soon. I also have 2 other articles published here that describe some of how I came to the decision to let go. ((Hugs)) stay strong and have faith. You’re not alone!
I believe you because that is what my wusband did to me. 7 years dating was good and first 4 or so years of marriage. Then it was silent treatment, never complimentary, no household responsibility at all, just an overall arse most of the time. He always had a beer in his hand until the minute he went to bed. I never knew when he would be around or where he’d been. I found out about an affair but I still could not believe he would throw away his life and family for a gal wth multiple boyfriends. I had no idea what a pathological liar he was until after the discard though. Then meth use and multiple indiscretions came to light. The divorce was hell. He got all the money and I got the house. I was the one saving while he was spending. Look up signs of emotional or mental abuse and narcissistic personality disorder. If he qualifies, you need to start planning your independence, which includes stashing all the cash you can. Courts only care about splitting assets. You can bet he will leave you penniless if he can.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I stumbled across this article on accident, but I appreciate your words so much I created this account just to thank you.
I did not marry him, but he recently broke up with me after 4 years. I was struggling; drowning with the questions of what did I do to make him just throw out relationship away like it was nothing. This article completely opened my eyes to what our relationship truly was and has given me the strength to stand up for myself.
I wish you all the luck with moving forward. We both deserve love and happiness. Again, I can’t thank you enough for helping me find my own strength through yours. Now hopefully I can continue down this path of healing.
Wow eponine!!! I can’t tell you how much That means to me. It is so encouraging to know my words and experience have impacted you and given you strength. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this pain, but also thankful that you didn’t marry him. He did you a favor! You do deserve true love and happiness and I pray you find it!!! Thank you so much for this ❤
I did not marry someone like this, however, I became involved with this same type of person right after I separated from my now ex-husband. He swooped in and saved me, said everything right, and I fell for it; and what I ended up doing was getting myself involved in a relationship that almost completely destroyed me. I was fighting a losing battle. He loved me one minute, and the next I did something wrong and I was every name in the book. He would laugh at me as I sat there and cried wondering what I had done wrong to make him so angry at me. He drank and I saw so much good and talent in him, so I wanted to fix him. It took me a long time to realize that I could not, and the night that It became physical when I got shoved over the back of a couch because he got mad at me again for what… I was never sure… I grabbed by things and ran out of that house. Funny you think I wouldn’t be upset…but it hurt and I cared for him. But that relationship caused me to feel more badly about myself than I ever have in my life. He never loved me, he loved him, and he got twisted sick pleasure of knowing he could control me and hurt me and make me cry, and he knew I would still go back.
Oh Nicole! This all sounds so familiar!! To include the way My relationship started… I’m so sorry you experienced that. Mine was never physical with me but he was 0physicality others and often punched holes in walls when he was drunk. Good for you for not marrying him. These types of men are sick and twisted and they thrive in vulnerable women who they view as weak. It taught me a lot but was very painful in the process. I’m glad you got out and I pray you find a healthy love in the future.
This is exactly me too. When he would upset by me by numerous threads of kicking me out and calling me names all because I caught him in the wrong he would laugh at me when I cried and sarcastically say boo hoooo it was so horrendous that someone could intentionally hurt you and then make fun of your for feeling hurt and showing those emotions in front of you. There was never a hug I’m sorry or I should not have done that no there was never an inkling of guilt or regret. I am still in my situation because after 8 years he sat me down and told me he is going to change and that all he wants is me and my boys and gave me a ring well 2 months later he is back to drinking which never changed but now he leaves like he use to and doesn’t come in until 2,3 on morning. I found him on dating sites that he had not deleted and confronted him about then and that is what gas now changed things back to the way they were. For 2 months things were wonderful and I felt like finally I could be happy and trust him again but I got slapped jn the face. While I’m sitting here at home as I always do he has left after his few beers in garage and I have no clue where he is. It’s so disrespectful and hurtful that words can’t explain the hell I’m living in once again. It’s hard when all you want is someone to love and care and be loyal and honest. I’m in a horrible place again and my heart hurts I cry everyday and don’t find turning to drinking to help but what do i do? I want to make him feel as low as he has me! But you can’t not with someone that has no heart.
Hii, get it! The pain and total disregard for your wellbeing I have been there. My husband and love I thougt of me life was cheating on me, abusing me emotionally and my son because we were expendable. I am still going through emotional pain and devastation like you can’t imagine. I feel crazy most of the time. The sweet mAn who loved men ended up abusing me and my son I had no way to
Process or get
Out of it
But for the grace of
God. He abandoned us for a affair fantasy and thanks to Jesus for
That he had me in danger for so long
The almost smile right there under the angry face as the horrid words are piercing you is what gets me every time. Pure joy at the sight of destroying another piece of your wife, swimming in the happiness…it still makes me sick inside when I recall all 100 times ive seen the devil himself behind those eyes. Praying for your peace.
This is my husband to the t. We are separated and we had no children together, but this is scary how so real this is to the point I am wondering if we married the same person. I know we didn’t, but for the love of all that is holy, this is terrifying. I am struggling to breathe daily and while I can breathe better since we have been separated for 2 months, my breath catches every time I come home. I clear my home before I settle in and get comfortable. I hear noises in the night and I watch out windows. I finally called a couselor today and made an appointment. I have got to get my head out of my behind and survive. The emotions I have daily range from very good to very bad and while the roller coaster rode with him is over, I’m still riding it. I went to a marriage counselor alone because he didn’t like the “focus” on him and I went to be told I was not crazy. I will get through this. But in the meantime, I have seen blessings, received love and kindness and have witnessed miracles. I hold all of those close to me as a comforting blanket. Pray. Pray for peace. Compared to what I lived through with him, I have peace now. It’s somewhat fractured at times, but still more than what I had before.
All of our stories sound the same when your married to a person like this! It took me 27 years and the death of my brother who I was super close to before I finally got out and divorced! We have two grown children and four grandchildren who now suffer his abuse since I’m gone. We have been divorced 12 years now and for the first 9 years I tried and tried to at least remain on friendly terms for the children! Forget it…………I have had to have NO CONTACT for the last three years now to FINALLY get any kind of peace of mind! And that’s not even possible everytime I get a call or visit from one of my kids telling me the latest terror he has subjected them to. I live with the guilt every single day that I didn’t leave him years ago and save my children from this horror their father inflicts! Instead I stayed sticking it out thinking I was doing the right thing for my kids to have both parents in their lives! And teaching them to love their father unconditionally!!! I had never heard about Narcissism until researching online I ran across an article about 5 years ago and as I read it I was saying to myself OMG that is my ex to the T! That is what’s wrong with him besides the alcoholism! I had ALWAYS said this dude is not normal, there is something wrong but could NEVER figure it out!!! After discovering he was a narcissist it still took me another 1 1/2 to 2 years of reading and reading everything I could to finally understand and believe there was NO HOPE! He was never going to change or get ANY better so NO CONTACT was my only resource so I could truly get better and move on. My children are a whole different issue, they were taught by myself like I said to love him unconditionally so a NO CONTACT will not even be considered at this point! Eventhough my daughter and grandkids have moved from Texas where he is to California where I am to put some distance between them cause he was causing our daughter so much emotional damage she couldn’t take it anymore! Our daughter also has her second brain tumor she is battling but that isn’t even a consideration to him when he is attacking her for whatever reason! Since they have been here living with me I have now discovered that our daughter has taken up drinking trying to escape the mental torment he causes her! I myself have never drank, I always felt like he did enough of it for both of us! I have tried and tried to talk to my daughter about cutting him out for her own sanity and she says she knows she should but she just can’t cause she does love him! The last contact she had with him was the morning of New Year’s Eve and he attacked her on the phone so badly that she spiraled into a deep depression and was drinking to a fallen down drunk and started having the grand mal seizures serve stress brings on with her! I didn’t know she had even talked to him at first until the two older grandchildren told me. I am extremely worried about our daughter and have no clue what to do to keep him from doing this to her!!!! I’m afraid he is eventually going to kill her and she has four children that need her! I’m open for any suggestions any of y’all might have! Thanks for listening.
I’m very sorry and hope and pray something gives somewhere, for any relief.
Wow I being married 7yrs and all this time I though it was me that was wrong on his behavior tours me his 28 yrs old and im 34 yrs old he always turn my words around and said it was my fault we didn’t get along , and that I didnt turn him on a lot of mean thigs he calls me , but I know now his with me for convenience idk what secrets he has with his family we got a son so he doesn’t want me to take him away so he has treated me to do evil things , I though he could change but always went back to the same person its like a circle in his life he needs helps I dont know if to divorce him or what he scares me and he has our lil boy scared with his yelling , I hate living like this now I know he will never truly love me…
Wow – this is my [hopefully soon to be ex] to a T … it’s like you described the past 4 years of my life – thank you for sharing – and we DO have a child together – a precious little 19 month old who has no idea what is going on at the moment – (thank God for that) – but the stress and axiety caused by his alcohol abuse and his lies and manipulations and by his utter disrespect and verbal and emotional abuse … I cannot even begin to describe … I was so afraid to leave for so long because I knew it would be such an ugly divorce – and he has not disappointed. Praying for a light at the end of this tunnel – and praying for all women in my situation !
What happens if you decide that there is no other option but to leave and you have children? Do you have to share custody? I mean, one of the biggest reasons, or should I say biggest ambition, for leaving is to get the kids out of a bad situation, not putting them in it alone during his time with them. It could be dangerous when he is an alcoholic on top of the mental abuse. I just needed to ask because that is a terrifying thought.
This is very similar to my story…I was worried about this as well Rebekah. I stayed far too long because of it. In my situation and maybe others I was a crutch…hold him back from completely loosing it to both mental and alcohol related problems. Once I left there was nothing holding him up. Document everything, protect your kids as much as possible and put things in place into your divorce plan…it’s so hard to change things after. Mine went out of control and his problems turned illegal which helps me keep the kids away. I save every message, every text, every email…I’ve even recorded conversations. If I feel unsafe or if he was following me I went to the police station closest to me. Get reports, they may not be able to do anything right then but create a trail of reports. From what I’ve seen he will either find a new source of narcissistic supply or eventually really hit the bottom.
I am planning on getting a protective order against my husband. I’ve stayed to protect my children so they don’t have to be with them alone and without me there (I have 3 boys and a daughter from a previous relationship). I am terrified for my children and am scared he will get shared parenting. He is a functioning alcoholic and while I have witness to testify I do not want him to have our children over night. He needs help. He just got fired from his job. I can’t even tell you how many he’s had. He drives around drinking and drinks all evening in the garage by himself. I filed for divorce one other time and got sucked back in. It’s been 8 years and nothing’s changed and I can’t continue. How do I protect my children?
I don’t know- Hope they survive! Going through the same thing- been split 6 months- he got standard custody where we are; i got 70 he got 30. He threatened and harassed me till i left house in middle of the night with kids. Lived with friends while he threatened and harassed me and every family member i have. He got a friend to help get him the 30 percent in temporary order, moved his drug addict girlfriend in less than a week after i left the house fearing for my life. I left with my clothes on my back basically. He uses his 30 percent to threaten and harass and stalk- even on social media. I’ve contacted violence abuse hotlines, the police and my attorney i got. He’s never quit- his threats include knives and guns. But all i get told is there is nothing anyone can do. I hope when it goes before a judge the Book I have of abuse in Text and Social Media. Get me somewhere! But don’t stay for the Kids- I found out after i left my 10yr old told me stuff he was saying-trying to turn her against me. Even if you leave and save yourself only- your worth it! After being a stay at home mom- I landed a fairly good job- office manager- I am fairly happy- but even in his chaos their are moments of peace.
You deserve peace- My ex never watched our 2 daughters- not even while i grocery shopped or anything- my mom did! I am hoping this teaches them not to let a man abuse you! I believe they take care of themselves when at his house- they are 5 and 10! May God watch over them.
I’m in the same boat as all you ladies. Functioning alcoholic , makes a lot of money, abusive, narcissistic personality disorder real bad. I could write a book on my 15 years w him. I’ve had enough. Last straw was my babygirls 1st bday last wkend. His behavior was embarrassing. Ruining the end of the night with his drunken behavior raging at me. I’m done w him ruining special days for me….Mother’s Days, Birthdays, holidays. Selfish A hole. All about him ALWAYS and his hurt and his feelings. I finally see the light God has been trying to guide me towards. Please , anyone give me insight on steps to take that have worked for you. I saw an attorney this morning. She is awesome she will fight for me and my kids. She herself was married to a narcissistic years ago and can understand. Thank the lord for that!! I want away from him now but I have my kids here etc and I’m trying to do this the right way …suggestions???
48 years old and was married for 26 years to the most charming man i the world. I fell i love at 18 and thought my life would be great. Lies lies and more lies. The cheating was my fault and the depression and drinking. Sent him to rehab twice took him back numerous times and am finally divorcing him. The children are older and as I told myself it is better for them to stay, it was a lie. They were begging me to leave him but I felt so bad for him and believed he was a good person. That came to an end when he began drinking or rathe it was out in the open. See being with an alcoholic, we allow ourselves to hope that he really isn’t even though we dread every call just incase it is the usual drunk call. So now I am divorcng my best friend at 48, have two grown children that will not speak to him and have an enormous amount of debt. I have to move out for financial reasons and am lost beyond words but everyone swears it will get bette. I can’t imagine that day and am living day by day and praying that I will wake up from this nightmare. He is going out and moving on and I am so distraught. But I have nochoice. I am divorcing my best friend because he has many mistrisses and the number one is alcohol
and I can’t win that one. He has been in rehab 2x and this nightmare has been going on for ten years of drinking and other issues pior. I pray for strength everyday to even get up.
I am in my 8th year of my cocaine addicted, painkiller addicted, porn addicted, gambling addicted, newly discovered possible bisexual with deviant tendencies, alcoholic, crazy abusive, narcissist husband. With that being all I will say about him, I wanted to write as I’m reading these posts and tell you that I cannot imagine whay you have lived for all of those years. Everything you are going through or now, have gone through hopefully a little bit more and into the healing was a direct plot by your best friend (as you said) to sabotage your life so he was your only option. As I’m writing this I’m considering being in this life of mine and feeling many of the same feelings you have expressed but for much longer and far more removed from any sort of normal relationship that it becomes all you know. Aside from my rambling, I simply wanted to say I’m sorry for the life you have been forced to live. I understand not having any moves to make for whatever the reason. I truly hope you will find your go in peace and karma is a nasty lady place if you haven’t already.
with the exception of my children not being biologically his, I thought you were describing my life. It is now over and I still struggle daily
Thanks for the post, after another drunk filled, hostile, running off to who knows where, calling me names third weekend in a row, you give me hope to move on, and maybe find someone who truly cares, or at least live in peace. I am older, no children, great job, and ready to laugh, love and live again, three years of this drunken, raging, blaming me because I exist is enough. I am so happy for you
I really need prayer to make the right decision of staying or going… Please keep me in your prayers… I do not want to be divorced but he has nothing to do with our daughter or myself. There’s a long story but right now I just need to know what move to make. Thank you for your prayers!
I used to be together with someone like that, for four years. It was also beautiful in the beginning, until after 4 months I was hooked and suddenly it wasn’t. Then we used the rest of the time trying to get back to the bliss that was the first 4 months.
The situation will never change, and you can’t breathe properly or enjoy life until you get rid of him. It will be the most painful thing you ever had to do, but it will be the right thing to do. In the end I went through all the possible scenarios in my head, trying to figure out how things could get better. All the scenarios ended in pain, I had tried everything and nothing worked. So I left, and the moment I did, I felt great relief. I knew after standing still in thick mud for many years, my life would go forward again.
That ended four years ago. This summer I’m getting married to a man I love. He is someone with deep compassion and love to everyone around him. He is full of wonder and joy, he takes responsibility, and he never make me feel bad on purpose. If he accidentally hurts me, he fixes me with kind words and apologies. He is there for me, and I’m there for him.
There is nothing I miss from my old relationship, but because of that relationship I truly understand how lucky I am to be with a person with feelings, who loves me for me, not for what I can do for him.
If you don’t let go, you will shut out all the possibilities of true happiness. As long as you are in a relationship with narcissist, no-one will care about what you need. And you can’t stop caring either. Narcissists smell the empathy from miles away. They know what buttons to push, and they know you can’t turn it off, so you will always be there for them. I have never heard a happy ending when it comes to this, and I’ve heard many stories, seen them up close. So my advice is, for everyone that are looking for answers, move on.
Thank you for this… for knowing that there is life after this madness. 5 years of crazy… ready to get back to who I really am.
Thank you all for helping me make the most important decision of my life, I have been married to an alcoholic narcissist for the past 17 years, I have tried so many times to change him, and in the process I have found myself becoming bitter and angry all the time. We have 2 girls together, and both of them are already begging me to leave him, which is pretty sad, so I have come to the conclusion that you cannot change a person like this, he has been to prison 2 times for 4 DWI’S, and still drinks and drives, he also finds all kinds of excuses to come home late, and is always at a friends house or bar drinking… I am always the one to blame for everything!!!! I am so ready to leave, and find myself again.
Mandy, I have been where you are…the struggle of whether to stay ‘for the kids’ sake.’ There were still moments of joy, which gave me hope. For me, staying started to negatively impact the kids. There were no big fights, but constant tension. As much as I tried to hide it, they felt it.
I pray that your path with be made clear by the grace of God, whether your path is to stay or go. My advice is to get yourself and your daughter into therapy now with a good therapist (sometimes you have to go to a few to find a good one).
My soon to be ex-husband is a diagnosed narcissist and alcoholic. He’s been through treatment and is sober, but even that hasn’t changed anything. It’s the most painful thing I’ve experienced…being married to him and now divorcing him, but I he hasn’t taken away my hope for a peaceful, joyful future. We will overcome and so will you!
Mandy, I have been where you are…the struggle of whether to stay ‘for the kids’ sake.’ There were still moments of joy, which gave me hope. For me, staying started to negatively impact the kids. There were no big fights, but constant tension. As much as I tried to hide it, they felt it.
I pray that your path with be made clear by the grace of God, whether your path is to stay or go. My advice is to get yourself and your daughter into therapy now with a good therapist (sometimes you have to go to a few to find a good one).
My soon to be ex-husband is a diagnosed narcissist and alcoholic. He’s been through treatment and is sober, but even that hasn’t changed anything. It’s the most painful thing I’ve experienced…being married to him and now divorcing him, but I he hasn’t taken away my hope for a peaceful, joyful future. We will overcome and so will you!
If you have to ask someone, then you should have already left. COWGIRL UP, and do what’s right for your sanity and your kid’s sanity.
WOW! It is like you have lived my life :O I am just starting the Divorce process now, luckily there is no kids involved. Thank god!
Thank you so muh for being brave and compassionate enough to speak these TRUE words. I needed to see this
Thank you so much. i never knew how to describe what went wrong in my relationship before now. You are literally telling my story… After my recently failed marriage, my narcissistic alcoholic swoops in and “saves the day.” For 2.5 years we consumed eachother with our codependency and drove one another to another level of crazy. He recently was fired from his job so he went AWOL and broke up w me after 2.5 years bc he couldn’t deal with it anymore. HE couldn’t. Anyway….thanks
My eyes are swelling up as I read your post. I am in the process of filng a petition for divorce. My heart hurts, I so crave those special feelings he once gave me, but the lying, drinking and constant twisting, irrational behavior has me realizing that I can’t continue on this merry-go-round. I was despirite to believe him, I still am; but after this weekend of “twilight zone of manipulation, being sucked into the vortex, and like a vampire, my emotions have been sucked dry.” I can’t take it anymore. I am so hurt and devastated that there there is nothing I can do or ever say to fix it. I am going to print your article to keep in my purse to remind myself what I need to do when I get weak.
Just be sure your lawyer lets the judge know about the narcissism. It will impact your divorce. They are aware of these personality traits and will monitor them. I’ve been through this and the narcissist will turn into the devil during a divorce. My lawyer told me that he had never seen anyone as vindictive as my ex in his 30 years of practicing law. When my ex had custody of his children he manipulated them as well. Mine took one for a weekend trip and then refused to give her back. I threatened him with a court order and he surrendered her eventually . They simply don’t care what the child is going through. He pulled these kinds of stunts often. It did affect the kids in a very bad way for years.
We have since moved away from him. He lives 1 ½ hours away and rarely visits. We are all better off without his narcissm in our lives.
Thanks for your words of truth, it’s time for me to go…I think. Mine always threatens suicide, and I worry if I leave, then he will do it, and I don’t know if I can live with that. He is a very damaged soul, with a bad, bad life story, that has made him unfeeling, uncaring, and without any empathy for others at all. I was in a low place when we met, and this has been going on for 4 years, and of course it started out like magic. Every weekend he goes all evil on me, I’ve had to sleep in my car to many times to count. He says he blacks out, and doesn’t remember all the stuff he says and does, and says he’s sorry, says he will change. he works out of town all week, then comes home and drinks, abuses me all weekend, then leaves, sobers up, and calls begging my forgiveness. I just wonder how many who threaten suicide actually do it if you leave, if anyone knows.
Well my ex narc hole literally tried to ruin my life! He had countless affairs! Drinking, porn abuse, financial abuse, had malignant narcissism to a T! Did not care about anyone unless he was going to benefit sexually or financially. He wooed plenty of younger gals into his lies! He literally thought he was some kind of sexy Demi-God! Big deal he could get women off, then what? He couldn’t pay a bill to save his own life! He screwed over family members, friends, business acquaintances, everyone, no one was off limits!!! And no wonder why he was good with the ladies, his sick self was with enough of them. What a joke! Wanting people to be impressed with stupidity and selfishness? He never followed the law, he busted up friendships & multiple marriages! Ran up debt constantly! Always blamed everyone else! Thought life and love were but a joke! Wasting years of my life!!!! Always was loud, needed constant attention, name on license plate, tv, newspapers, videos, radio, big crowds, dances, always needed the look at me bull! It got real old real fast catering to his excessive wannabe celebrity lifestyle to overcompensate for his failures as a real man and decent loving human being! He was an a-hole heartless put of sucking everyone dry of their happiness spew! Glad to be at one with God now and have Satan out of my life! Thank you God!
previous post…it should have stated he was punk…a man near 55 that still acted 18 around everyone and thought it was cute or funny ruining countless lives, they don’t ever change they get worse with age, his latest fling is a 25 year old who he is now trying into talking into buying him a condo, God I pray she wakes up and realizes the world of hurt he will cause her. Good luck to anyone dealing with alcoholic, selfish, overly sexual, narcissists! It’s a hell ride! Take care!
I like your comment. I too just divorced a type like that. He is 72! Acts like a 15 year old. Still drinks and talks stupid. He thinks he is the s it! The things he says and does make me sick. He has a new alcoholic mentally ill girlfriend, one just like him he met in a bar. They are perfect for each. She thinks he is the most wonderful man in the world. They have found a new purpose in life – saving each other! You are right. They do get worse with age. He has definitely deteriorated from the liquor. She is in for a big surprise. When he is ready he will turn on her and she will be devasted. Another of his victims.
Wow- from the very first paragraph i thought you were talking about my story. Even the dates were right on. 5 years with him, 8 months ago I finally moved out but it’s been back and forth ever since. Today is the day I am going full No Contact. This is undoubtedly the most brutal existence I have ever known. : (
AYour marriage was Hell. Who’s wasn’t that ends in the Big D? I read you had your emotions sucked from you and most Divorcees will say the same, but what were some of the traits? That was why I was reading. I still deal with my demons as do so many. Mine died of cirrhosis of the liver from Alcoholism in 2014, but had divorced his First Family, me and the children for a younger woman. Recently I started to think in terms of Narcissm. When the children would go to the family doctor his common question was did the doctor ask about me? Now I wonder why would the doctor be inquiring about him with a child being presented.
Can you see where I am coming from? Specifically what were the traits or was I just hooked up to a Self Made Millionaire Alcoholic?
Now reading some of the other comments. Should have first. My ex got up and walked down a bar at a Steak House in Front of his elderly parents and college son who said he was unbelievablely embarassed. Glad I wasn’t there. I bet my ex In-Laws were proud, NOT!
You have told my story. With the narc off/on 6 yrs and then finally marrying him. 5 yrs later – I divorced him. Marriage counselor predicted 3 yrs ago – ” He is an attention whore. You may not want to divorce him now – but you may later.” Later came Had enough with the cheating – lies – betrayal – and all the BS in the World wasn’t going to make it go away. I had to be honest with myself. It was all a huge lie. Even dating him started with a lie. He was still “with” someone — but fabricated an entire story to keep me there. You have to love yourself enough — stop being co dependent and believing you can save a narcissist. YOU CAN’T. Especially an alcoholic one like I had. Thank God we had no children. H already destroyed his lst marriage and his 3 children. If you want to stay in Hell , continue to dance with the Devil. No thanks. I’m out. Horrible, painful, devastating lesson – but I learned.
WOW Kay this is exactly what happened to me he was living with his ex for the first yr of our relationship and I had no idea !!! 3 YEARS LATER I am finally leaving him.
I had a similar situation…a few months after a long term relationship ended, I began dating my sons’ father. Charming, shy turned into crazy jealous, twisting & spinning every conversation, deceitful, controlling, tearing me down emotionally and psychologically. And violent with substance abuse. I ended up taking PEP (Personal Empowerment Program) classes through Human Options & learned a whole lot about domestic violence. Something that struck me during those group classes was that as each woman told her story, it was as if we were all talking about the same man. The words used, the way those men spoke…it was the same across the room. Later I met with a counselor at church, when I told her about that, she asked me to describe my ex. (deceitful, charming, twisting, manipulative, hurtful, etc.), she replied that those are all qualities of Satan. And, reading all of these posts here, it’s uncanny how each person seems to be describing the same guy… again. How important it is to seek God’s grace, will, and discernment.
I just finished a 5 year divorce against an opiate addict anesthesiologist who I was married to for 31years with four children. He is a narcissist/sociopath and with years of opiate abuse his moral compass is gone. He is dangerous, manipulative, especially of my children. I lost everything but am AT PEACE. To my women friends I encourage you to leave them now if you have not already done so, they are not going to change, and you will be the one damaged. Focus on what makes you feel happy, safe, and leave your addict to destroy thyself. Don’t feel pity or sadness, it is a choice contrary to the disease of addiction that enables their behavior. They don’t deserve forgiveness, especially if the betrayal and emotional abuse included your children. They deserve what they get. Strong words, yes, but this notion of forgiveness is over rated. Some things in life CANNOT be forgiven. Just move on with your life…leave them where they belong, without you.
Thank you all for sharing your life traumas. My saving is because no children are involved. I would have stayed with this toxic person and would have fallen into the codependent trap for them thinking I could have changed him. The two year abuse will stay with me for many moons. But, because of you brave people that bring to light the evil you endured and the fact that these toxic people have a pattern that cannot be denied. your posts will help so many. Thank you❤
I’m starting the divorce in the morning.I’m older no children and have plenty of money to leave but I have stayed ..here is the reason us angels in white we want to save them we find the wounded and we are sucked in. What we dont see is:
The trauma bond. Think of every chaotic moment…only you and the abuser know what happened..its like if you were in a building with me and we were strangers and that building collapsed and we had to depend on each other for 3 days to survive once the drama is over we will be bonded – Think of stories where this has happened the miners in Chile? I’m not sure I’m making this clear enough but study more about trauma bonds – your head and heart are in a battle= follow your brain! Trauma bonds are heard to BREAK.
My husband is an alcoholic and he feels he is right I’m wrong. He bullies me tells me he has the best lawyer and I will lose I need to reconsider. I’m taking my chances because lawyers still have to follow the law. I do have a pre nup. A friend who was married 25 years to a drug addict said an marriage is doomed with an addict. It only gets worse. Also was advised that because these addicts have had YEARS of manipulations to get a therapist to help. You cant fight the emotional abuse if you dont know the game.
The only thing I have to figure out is if he will hurt me once he knows the divorce is on. I think I should ask for a temporary restraining order whether I need it or not because when he is drinking he’s unstable. He has threatened me multiple times but its also a bully tactic. Once he knows he’s losing control I suspect thats when I’ll be in danger.
Prayers please.
Your article is amazing. Your words touched my heart as If I was writing it. Healing prayers to all of us.
You are amazing with what you’ve endured. I couldn’t have written your story anywhere near as well and I’ve been living it for 32 years! My heart and mind are in such agony 24/7! I want to cry but I have no tears left! I fell for a lying fake as a very vulnerable person who had just gone through horrible things including bankruptcy due to embezzlement, loss of a loving and beautiful wife a few years before, and even loss of my home and parents. She looked like the gift from heaven and, in reality, she is the curse of Satin himself. I am now an old man and, fortunately a practicing Christian. It seems my only way out of this disaster is death, but at least there is God’s promise of Heaven. I’m sick at heart!
I just got out of a ten year relationship with a acholic narcatist now he sleeps in a car at tge corner store the weird part is he can look in my window from where he is that close in the beginning he said everything right moved him in thats when his true colors showed its been almost a month its very hard but i will never go back he was abusive physically and mentally and top that payed for nothing whats really sad is love is blind and ten years of my life was wasted thats what hurts the most
I am so sorry
If you are in Florida we may have been tangled with the same person… Would love to know, you’d be saving a soul..
I am desperately hoping for a reply to my post to Carolyn