If you’re having an affair with a married man or a significant other to someone else you need to think long and hard about what’s real and what’s fantasy. I have spent a great deal of time living in fantasyland. I trust too much. I believe what men say is true and sometimes it isn't.
According to research one in every twenty-five people you meet is a sociopath. Meaning they have no empathy. They don’t care about your feelings. They will cheat with no remorse. They prey on princesses who live in fantasyland. So be careful what you wish for.
10 years into my happily ever after I began to suspect he was cheating on me. I didn’t want to believe it. I don’t know how long he would have stayed with me continuing to cheat but it became obvious that I had to take action. The betrayal was a weight that I had never experienced before. It took me quite a while but slowly I made up my mind to end the marriage.
First we went to a marriage counselor. He went once. I continued for weeks. I had to overcome my guilt. It was just as overwhelming as his betrayal. Why did I feel guilty? The reason was I didn’t want to admit to my family and more importantly my children that I was wrong about this man. I felt like I was betraying my children by making the decision to divorce their father. I took the children to counseling and quickly established that they knew what was going on. They were stronger than I was even aware and that if a divorce was in their parents’ future they would be able to cope.
There was no turning back. I made my decision. I filed for divorce and life as I knew it would never be the same. But it went on.
He moved in with the other woman and soon thereafter realized he still wasn’t happy. I remember him saying to me one weekend when he came to pick up the kids that I was like the girl he knew in high school again. He could see that I was happy and he wondered why he was still unhappy. I told him it was because I was free from the pain of worrying about him. I asked him what his problem was. He said, “new woman same problems.” What he meant was he still had to grow up, go to work and figure out how to pay the bills.
I realized that he gave up everything we had because he thought the grass was greener on the other side. He betrayed our family because he didn’t want to be a responsible adult. To him I had become a nagging wife. In fact that was the advice he gave me for my next husband. “Don’t be a nag.”
That relationship didn’t last but he did remarry and I remarried and we both divorced again. He cheated again. I still lived in fantasyland.
Then I did the unthinkable. I fell for a married man. He was a co-worker and a friend and miserable in his marriage. I could relate. Poor guy. He was married to a crazy woman and so unhappy. I felt sorry for him. It was refreshing to know that sometimes it’s the woman who is in the wrong. He needed my help. He needed my love. He needed me. We had worked together for two years and were very good friends. No one ever suspected we had become more. It was easy to “date” because we were always together anyway. There were plenty of company events. It was easy and natural go to lunch together or out for dinner and then back to my place.
It felt right and I felt like his girlfriend. I knew he was married but I convinced myself that he was doing the right thing and ending it. After all, I had ended my unhappy marriage. I felt that this time the grass was greener on my side. I was determined to help him through this terrible time in his life. Sure I’d wait a little while so he could sort things out. I understand that it takes time to end an 18-year marriage but it would be better for everyone in the long run. As his girlfriend, I would be faithful and patient.
In a way it was fun to be the other woman. Ashamedly I must admit that was part of the attraction. This time, I was the fun one. I was the one he couldn’t wait to see. I was the one he really wanted. But I was also hurt when he left me and went home to her. I could tell when he had, had sex with her and it felt like he was cheating on me. He assured me that it was just for appearances and he tried to avoid her as much as possible.
It went on a couple of months and then she suspected. By this time though he was prepared to leave and he told her everything. She called me after that and gave me an ominous warning. She told me that I could have him. He had wasted her life. He would do the same to me. He only wanted me for my money. Knowing that I certainly didn’t have a lot of money I was further convinced she was crazy and ignored her. She filed for divorce and he moved in with my children and me. I told him from the start that we would be getting married. I didn’t want to be the “girl friend.” His divorce took 18 months but eight weeks after that we got married.
My fantasyland was complete and I was head over heals in love. We spent many years married before I realized he was pulling the same crap on me. The story is too long to explain all of his cons but he did see me for the purposes of making money. He sees everyone that way. He isn’t a violent psycho sociopath but he is a remorseless user of others resources.
In time he cheated. Of course he did. He’s a cheater. He preys on women who believe his lies. He preys on men too for business deals. No worries for him though. There are plenty of princesses still living in fantasyland.
Looking back, when I felt like he was cheating on me by going home to his wife. He wasn’t. I was cheating myself by believing in a fantasy fed to me by a charmer who told me only what I wanted to hear. I spent 16 years with him. He betrayed me and devastated me financially. In the end I realized that the warning his first wife gave me was true.
My mistake from the beginning was that I believed in someone who I knew was a cheater. A man I knew was a liar. I trusted what I wanted to be true instead of what I knew to be true.
Don’t live in fantasyland. Wake up Sleeping Beauty. If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you.