It was the Spring of 2012.
I slid my lawyer the retainer check made out in the amount of $16,000.00 across her desk and sat back in my chair.
I was so frustrated… this was one of many, many multi-thousand dollar checks I’d written her and a long list of other lawyers over the past 3 years. This latest Family Court case was based on the fact my ex simply decided to start sending me monthly child support checks made out for a fraction of the court ordered amount.
For some reason, my ex had a fire burning deep in his belly to make me suffer financially, physically and emotionally for our divorce… even though he was the one who asked for it. And what made it worse was he could care less if our kids suffered too.
Don’t get me wrong the marriage was horrible (I knew that early on) but I did my best to make it work because We. Were. “Married” and I believed that meant for Better or Worse and most importantly we’d started a Family.
The one thing I care more about than anything else in life are my three kids.
I valued family above everything and I was determined to work my hardest to make this family work.
My ex was determined to climb the corporate ladder and make a lot of money.
And his grandiose sense of importance, preoccupation with unlimited success-power-money, wanting to only be associated with highly successful or high-status people, his sense of entitlement and lack of empathy made him really, really good at it.
But, he was also not physically or emotionally available to me or our kids. When he wasn’t away from home on endless business trips, he was “working late” or preoccupied with a project. The only way he became involved with one of our kids is if they showed a skill or quality that heightened his sense of success, then he would hyper-focus his attention on exploiting that while losing sight of our child’s well-being.
So, I worked double-time being the best mom and dad I could be by being hypersensitive to the needs of our kids. Taking care of 110% of everything in the household.
Believe me… I’m no Martha Stewart or Mother Teresa but I did become very good at spinning our home life reality into something that looked like a Picture-Perfect-Storybook.
But after endless (& useless) marriage counseling, 3 kids and 23 looooong years, I was exhausted and depleted. I actually looked forward to the divorce; hoping it would give me a respite and my kids a chance at genuine peace and happiness.
Little did I know being divorced from him would prove much worse than being married to him.
“What the hell is wrong with him, he walked away with a great divorce settlement he knows the kids and I are living in a much worse financial situation than he, when will he stop wanting more and MORE?!?!,” I asked my lawyer in desperation.
We’d been divorced for 3 years. And at the time of our divorce, I didn’t have the stamina or desire to fight him in court for a better divorce settlement, so I accepted what NYS Divorce Law said I was “entitled” to at the time.
Herein lies a little-known fact that very few people know (or understand):
NYS Calculates The Child Support Owed Using A “Salary Cap”. In 2009 This Salary Cap Was $80,000.00/year. Therefore, If The Parent Paying The Child Support Makes $1,000,000+/year… They Pay Child Support Based On ONLY a Fraction Of Their Full Salary. WTF, who made up THAT Law?!?!?!?
Therefore, I received:
- Half-our-marital-net-worth.
- A one-time-alimony payment which was only 10% of his total annual income.
- Monthly child support checks which were also only 10% of his total monthly income.
Not a bad deal for him, huh?!?
He continued to live at 90% of his salary, while his ex-wife and kids lived at 10% of what they were accustomed to.
Weird how in the 21st Century a wife who devoted her entire life to being a supportive SAHM, walks away from a 23-year partnership with 10% of the life she and her husband created together.
It makes me wonder if we need to revisit some divorce laws.
My lawyer finally answered me with complete matter-of-fact confidence.
“He won’t stop. Not until your youngest child turns 21 and he can’t drag you back to family court anymore for MORE money. In fact, I can guarantee that he won’t stop, until YOU have to pay HIM child support. Believe me, I know his type, unfortunately, I’ve seen it before.”
I literally laughed out loud. “No Way!!” I said. “THAT will never happen.”
And then she gave me priceless advice, “If I were you, I’d go home and read up on divorcing a narcissist. And by the way, yours is a “Covert Narcissist” which is the worst kind to face in family court.”
To be continued… fast forward a few more years… yup… yeeeaaaarrrrssssss!!!
Just read this article and all i can say is.. wow, pretty unbelievable.
Karen,
It’s actually a good thing this article appears unbelievable to you. It means you have not been touched by the demolition of a Narcissist. And now that you’ve read this article, you may be able to help others who have been. 🙂
Our Family Court System needs to start rewriting these divorce laws:
“Weird how in the 21st Century a wife who devoted her entire life to being a supportive SAHM, walks away from a 23-year partnership with 10% of the life she and her husband created together.”
And the children are expected to accept 10% of the monetary lifestyle they were accustomed to living.
I am so sorry that you and your children had to go through this. Omg, Lorilyn, you are such a strong woman!!
Sandra o,
Thank you for your kind words. However, as I continue to navigate the choppy waters of facing the wrath of a Narcissistic-Ex spouse…. I certainly do not feel very strong!! 😉
thanks for sharing… it helps that we are not alone and the legal system needs to make changes!S
Bethanne,
From your lips to God’s Ears. We need the legal system to wise up to the devastation caused by a Narcissistic Ex-spouse. Unfortunately, the Family Court is their favorite stage from which they wield their power to destroy their ex!!! 🙁
Reading this makes me sad and mad at the same time. You hid it well my friend~ it did look like a picture perfect storybook life… sorry for all you’ve had to go through.
Pkiefs,
Excellent observation!! Most Marriages to a Narcissist, do not look any different on the outside. In fact, most Covert Narcissists appear downright charming… especially to the general public.
However, once they end in divorce. It is a bloodbath. And unfortunately it is their children (and their ex-spouse) who suffer the most.
Great article.. I want to pinch your ex’s head off.. It’s the same way here in Oklahoma, luckily my ex gave me and the girls more than what was calculated by the state. He was truly generous when he legally didn’t have to be… but he also did the right thing.
Christi,
Thank you for letting us all know, that there are generous and descent ex-husbands out there. Men who do the right thing!! 🙂
What a horrible story, so sad a spouse can be such a terrible human being. You are a strong woman, keep up the good fight!!!!
Jim P.,
Thank you for your support… It is (Unfortunately) a long fight for sure!!
WOW this I could have wrote this article almost word to word…..
1. My ex asked for the divorce and ran off with his mistress…..after 13 years of being a SAHM I had to suddenly get back into the work force and support our three daughters (even with a degree and military experience I am making about 35K a year now but it took three years of only being able to find part time work).
2. My ex retired from the Air Force and due to getting disability (he SNORES…automatic 50%) he makes well over $30K a year (I do get part of that due to being married for 13 years but the 30K is after my share). He finally started working full time for the Postal making $17 an hour. His mistress aka now wife has her own counseling clinic PLUS gets child support for her 2 kids..So they are making well over 100K a year.
3. He has lied about his pay, AL goes off of a calulator to determine child support, and he has not added the amount he makes working full time for the Postal Service….about $700 less a month. I have asked him to help pay half of things like phone (which for 3 very active teenagers cell phones are a lifesaver), extra school stuff all of which he has refused. Every doctor, dentist, ortho appointment I miss work and do not get paid and have asked in the last 1.5 year that he help four times and each time he has refused. Yet he feels like he is the one getting screwed. Meanwhile in the past three years him and his mistress have taken cruises to the Bahamas, Mexico, trips around the US, etc of course not with his daughters.
When I finally got tired and hired an attorney to go after him, he hired a nasty one who has come after me with all sorts of allegations from drug use to neglect (all of which are false and easily proven false) he lied on court papers saying I was keeping the kids from him and not allowing him assess to their schools (a quick trip to the school and they printed out something showine he always had access), that I refused to meet him halfway when I have the emails/receipt from gas and hotel of where we met in Georgia…It really shouldn’t be as difficult and nasty as it became esp. since I never once went after him and was just asking for the fair amount of support.
Thankfully, we are finally getting into court on Monday, 31st after a year and a half and two extensions. I hope that I will get at least some backpay and closure on the nightmare
Kris,
Thank you for sharing your story.
You hit upon many other common ways Narcissists abuse their exes. There seems to be a weird blueprint they all seem to follow to a tee. Hopefully, my future articles will be going into more detail about what to expect when you are involved in divorcing a Narcissist. The good news is you’re not alone and eventually our Family Court System will wise-up and Divorce Laws ( Custody/Child Support) will finally undergo much needed reformation.
My best & Good Luck on Monday, the 31rst,
Lorilyn
Thank you for sharing Lorilyn. We seem to share a few life experiences. Next reunion, we should talk. I have been divorced now for 11 years And my youngest is 23. My ex and I interactions are almost non-existent now. Thankfully.
Anne Marie,
Knowing you’re not alone makes a world of difference!!
I completely believe it because I lived it as you did- married 22 yrs with 3 kiddos- devoted to their well-being while he climbed the corporate ladder. We moved 7 times for his job all over the country and he travelled for work every wk for 20 yrs until 2 affairs with co-workers ( 5 yrs apart!0 sent us fighting all out in divorce court. at the time the divorce started, he was on severance pay and insisted on starting a new business with a big chunk of our retirement savings- he listed his income as 0 and I got no part of his new business whatsoever. I completely believe what you went through- and those laws need REVISED!!!
Nancy Kay… Thank you for sharing your story.
It is incredible how you did not receive any benefit from a business he started with marital funds. However, I am not surprised. I have personally never seen any divorce law ever protect the ex-spouse of a narcissist. It almost appears as though the narcissist’s manipulating and deviant actions literally set them up to be the sole beneficiary in legal battles.
They take actions that are morally corrupt and they will even downright lie, especially if it means they will benefit financially. (My ex did the EXACT same thing as yours… he claimed “0” income, which was a complete lie, but he cleverly put himself in a position—also as a new business owner—where he could manipulate the truth.) The sickest part is they show absolutely no remorse when their actions cause their children pain and suffering and they downright revel in the pain and suffering of their ex-spouse.
I hope you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
Dear Lorilyn,
You keep forgetting to tell your readers that you were engaged within three months of signing your divorce papers to the man you were having an affair with AND you married him within 9 months of your divorce being final.