The challenge of going through a divorce pro-se, a Latin term meaning “on one’s own behalf,” is something many people face everyday. With some preparation, and these six tips, you can make it through the nightmare and come out alive.
Preparation. Prepare yourself for the legal fight you have coming. Free divorce workshops and support groups are offered in many towns. Progressive court systems are now offering free clinics for people who will be representing themselves in one of life’s most difficult chapters. Visit the courthouse where your divorce will be heard. Sit for several hours and observe the judge and attorneys. Become comfortable in the environment. It can be intimidating to people who have never been through legal proceedings before.
Hunker Down. Go ahead now and accept the possibility that some of your family and friends will fall for the narcissist’s tendency to tell the story in a convincing manner. Don’t hold a grudge against those in your circle who buy into his or her manipulations. Remember, you also once believed the things you were told. Narcissists will not tolerate failure and this makes it improbable that your soon-to-be-ex will accept any responsibility for the ending of the marriage. You may be the target of a vicious smear campaign and painted as a villain. Be strong and take the high road and eventually the narcissist will be seen for who they truly are. It always happens.
Document. Document. Document. Keep a daily agenda-style journal for recording things that happen. For more important items — or items too large to document in your journal — send an email to yourself in which you spell out the event. Keeping all documents and paperwork in binders —coordinated with your journal — divided by year, month and day, will make retrievable of even the most arcane piece of information easier.
Organize. In connection with the advice above, make sure you get — and stay — organized. Find a system that works for you. Some people maintain strictly digital records. Others use a binder system and others use some combination. The best retrieval system will be one that’s simple and that you will use consistently.
Stop Talking. Or at least limit your communication with your soon-to-be-ex. Keep conversations short and unemotional. If zero contact is impossible, especially if you have children together, then try to limit your communication to emails or texting. Anything that will make sure you can easily keep a record will help. Establish personal boundaries and don’t waiver. Narcissists get their energy from being able to control you. Do not give in to their twisted hunger by giving them what they request.
Maintain Composure. When it’s finally time to face your spouse in the courtroom, make sure you are completely prepared. Thorough preparation will help you stay focused and composed when the problems get too sticky. When you face false accusations, be sure to answer calmly and be ready to provide credible information based on facts. Staying focused will keep you from getting caught up in the need to defend every small allegation and wasting energy. To be successful and maintain composure while the narcissist is testifying, take notes of things that you would like to address, but don’t get sidetracked. Stay focused and stay strong and centered.
Probably no one told you this process will be easy. If you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor instead of a victim, the knowledge you’ve gained can be life-changing as you go through the steps. Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. If you find yourself going up against a narcissist as your own representative, then fasten your safety belt and use the oxygen mask if you need to.
Visiting the courthouse–fantastic advice. Rehearse rehearse rehearse. Understanding the flow and pattern will be a huge relief.
Great suggestions. I’ve tried to do most of these in my divorce process from a narcissistic alcoholic. It’s been difficult but these things are extremely hepful in keeping some of the turmoil to a minimum.
Here’s another tip: get a good lawyer. One that’s friends with the presiding judge, if possible. If he is truly a narcissist, he will want to represent himself, because he will be sure that once he turns on the charm, he’ll be able to make the judge believe his version of everything. The thing is, the court has seen his kind before, and it’s not going to work as long as you have a good attorney that the judge respects. It probably wouldn’t work anyway as long as you have any attorney at all and he is representing himself — but if you have an attorney that the judge respects, you’ll likely get anything you want in terms of child custody, which if you’re at all like me is the only thing you’ll care about.
Of course the narcissist is most always a mental abuser. Nobody is as AWESOME as he so he has to make sure that you are aware at all times that you are beneath him and he is better than you. What was the most frustrating about my resent divorce from such a man is that nobody else knew what a complete and total jerk he was. He would put on a show in front of the judge and attorney’s making himself look like a victim because I was leaving him. His narcassicm was a direct result of me leaving him and not wanting to subject myself to that anymore. What sucks the most is while I am away from him I have forced my kids to spend even more time under his kingdom.
I have been on my journey of divorcing a narcissist for 3 years now. I have been granted the divorce, the problem is with custody of our son. Seems like there is nothing I can do to get the court to hear about the mental abuse he is doing to our son. I am the only mother of an 8year old who sees a shrink every two weeks. His father goes right up to the edge of the line of proof and all I am told is that there just isn’t enough hard core evidence. It is so frustrating. He has even blamed me for him not being able to pay child support. He has gone as far to tell our son that because I don’t do as he says, he will call the cops on me and have me arrested. But yet the court says that he is entitled to visitation because he helped create the child. So very frustrating.
I did it with an attorney and I’m still screwed. The attorney didn’t help that much and I owe her a lot I am struggling to pay anyway.