In June 2008, all I knew was that I was miserable and wanted out, I wanted a divorce. I was emotionally done. I felt like my heart had been chipped away for so long, it was nothing more than a pile of crumbs on the floor and I sat there emotionless staring at it. I lost myself completely. Ted had sucked everything from me and I felt like an empty shell. I had lost almost all contact with my family. I had very few…actually one… true friend.
It wasn’t until recently and after a lot of research that I finally realized everything Ted had done and said during our 14-year marriage was out of a need to supply his growing and worsening narcissistic personality. Narcissists manifest and show their horns in different ways according to the ways their emptiness and false identity are formed.
If there is one bit of advice I could offer anyone about to embark on the journey of divorcing a narcissist, it is this: BE PREPARED. In case you don’t know my story, Ted successfully took primary custody of our two children from me. I know not every narcissist would do the horrible things he did, lie like he did or be as obsessed, but from everything I have since learned, he was not too far off of the typical textbook reactions. A formerly non-violent narcissist will quickly justify violence, or deny it completely.
I would have done a lot of things differently had I known what I was up against. There are so many things I wish I would have known.
Below are just a few. If I can help protect one mom from going through some of the hell I have, then it will make it all worth it.
1. Be prepared for your ex to turn into a monster beyond anything you have seen. You are taking away his main narcissistic supply, yourself, so he will try to manipulate you and everyone he can to get it back. Do not underestimate him or his manipulative abilities. Ted even went so far as to stalk my friends, tracking them down with a recorder in his pocket, trying to get them to say something bad about me or my parenting.
2. It no longer matters how good of a mom you are. I have never done drugs, been on prescription medications or drank heavily. Courts no longer favor the mother. The family law system is a very broken system. It doesn’t matter if you provide most of the care for your children. The court will award custody to whoever presents the best case, even if it is full of lies, and to the parent willing to spend the most money.
3. Hire a good attorney who will listen to you.
4. Violence that comes about after the separation may have no bearing on custody. Establish a neutral exchange location of your children, where there are cameras. Do not allow him to come to your home. A magistrate told me I caused a “situation” to elevate to the level which caused Ted, who is 6’3” to hit my 5’4” 120 lb mom with a closed fist. Yes, some magistrates advocate domestic violence.
5. Know stalking laws and laws on recording conversations in your county. I have a manuscript about an inch thick of PARTS of phone conversations twisted and used against me. In my county, only one party needs to be aware that a conversation is being recorded.
6. Prepare for your children to be brainwashed and alienated against you. Research the right things to say when they have questions or are simply just regurgitating something they heard dad say. He will manipulate and use them against you.
7. Learn what feeds a narcissist. Only communicate via email. Narcissists push buttons just to get a reaction. Do not give one. Divorce is an emotionally charged time for all involved. If you only communicate via email, you can take emotion out of your answers and can prove your exact words. This will benefit you in court. Set boundaries and stick to them. See #5.
8. When you decide to leave, have a plan in place in case he becomes violent. Have hidden money, resources, and your support system ready and available.
Know you are strong. Don’t just say it, let it resonate from your very soul. You are breaking free of the pain he lives for causing you. You deserve to be happy. Learn and research, then have a plan. You can do this.
My own daughter went through this. It was unbelievably painful. Unfortunately we had never heard of narcissistic personality disorder and were completely and painfully unprepared. All of your points would have been so helpful had we only known then what we know now. He won custody of their then 1 year old son even though he rarely saw him, worked long hours and she was the primary caregiver. He lied in court and unbelievably the court believed him. Everything you said was right on and to all the advice I say AMEN! If I could add anything I would say this…leave before He thinks you might. Go to your parents or another safe place and take your child “for a visit”. File for divorce while you are safely out of his reach. If you are anywhere near where the narcissist is when you file for divorce he will make it impossible for you to leave with the child. Our son-in-law manufactured evidence to get a protective order which barred our daughter from any contact with her son until the court could review the case…this took 6 weeks by which time the narcissist had ample time to plan his moves. They lie! That’s the important thing to remember. AND they are particularly adept at convincing others that they are innocent victims. If possible talk to a professional who understands emotional abuse before you leave. Make sure you have documentation of everything that has gone on and be prepared for the battle of your life. Try not to get emotional as this can be used against you (she was constantly accused of being “unstable” because she was crying and overly emotional…a natural reaction when everyone around you believes the lies that are told).
Helen,
Thank you so much for your comment!! Yes!! Isn’t it amazing how similar our stories can be, sometimes only the names change. Thank you so much for your additional advice.
Yes – it’s so hard to prepare to leave a narcisisst. But for your own sanity it’s worth it. Congratulations for getting out – but I feel your pain.
So true. There are so many things I would have done differently had I known how bad he would turn.
I got primary custody of our two kids, but on the day of my divorce testimony, my ex tried to claim my daughter had been trying for weeks to convince me she wanted to live with him. What really happened? He tried to bribe her by promising her $100/ week if she moved back in, in order to lower his support. He flat out denied this, even to his lawyer. Luckily, I not only had an email from him begging me to lower support, or let our son move in with him, but my daughter ratted him out via text as well. Be prepared for anything is exceptionally good advice. They will try anything and lie through their teeth.
I am a man married to a narcissistic woman. We are at the end of divorce proceedings and she is now insisting that I leave our jointly owned house. If I don’t agree to her deadlines then she says she will take our two young children (aged 7 and 4) and move out to rented accommodation. The fact that she can’t afford anywhere near here so she will be taking them away from their home, their school, their friends and their loving dad means absolutely nothing to her.
She is also insisting that we finalise the divorce papers which means that I have to sign the house over to her. If I don’t then she’ll take the kids away. But if I do then I am completely at her mercy and will have to do every small thing she asks or else she’ll make me homeless.
So my options are either put myself completely at her mercy or else she’ll make our children suffer.
This is what being married to a narcissist is like. For now I am ignoring the threat and calling her bluff. But I know that every thing she has threatened to do in the past she has gone ahead and done.
Any suggestions?
Hi Paul,
Do you have any provisional orders? That would be my first suggestion, to get provisional orders in place, because with no court orders, she could take the kids and move out of state and you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Please email if you need further ideas or support. [email protected]
Today is a button pushing day. I’m so tired. You forgot number 9 – it doesn’t end when the divorce is final. Especially if you have kids.
I know Live, hugs, you are not alone.
I have been trying to receive a divorce from a full blown narcissistic man for over a year. It’s true about the part of the narcissist turning into an evil monster, even when you are giving the narcissist what he desires, a divorce. Think of the anti christ, if you will, to get the idea of how evil they can become towards their former spouses.
It’s true I’m fighting for my life. I am disabled. It’s a fact, he cannot tell the truth. Not to the courts, attorneys, or mediators. Yet, they all believe his blatant lies as if his words were the absolute truth. He outsmarts or manipulates all the powers that be. His actions are criminal, yet he goes rewarded for it. There is no justice in the court system when it involves a victim of a narcissistic husband. After 28 years of verbal abuse and a life of lies in a 28 year marriage, the most i can hope for is escaping with my freedom and my life.
Any thoughts or suggestions, please?
Connie,
I can relate 100%. 28 years, are your children grown? If so, that will be a huge advantage. Please email me at [email protected]. I will help as much as I can with what I know.
As I read your story, I began to cry, as I am in the 18th month of my divorce from a 40 year marriage with the devil himself. I too am disabled and other than the length of my marriage and divorce, my situations is exactly like yours. I too, am fighting for my life, which at this point is the only thing he hasn’t taken. He has managed to turn our whole family against me with his lies, including our 3 grown daughters, 8 grandchildren and my first great granddaughter. The legal system is so corrupt that I will owe any monies to attornies when he and the legal system finally grants the divorce, which he filed for, but He is still fighting every step of the way. I will keep you in my prayers and ask you do the same for me.
As I read your story, I began to cry, as I am in the 18th month of my divorce from a 40 year marriage with the devil himself. I too am disabled and other than the length of my marriage and divorce, my situations is exactly like yours. I too, am fighting for my life, which at this point is the only thing he hasn’t taken. He has managed to turn our whole family against me with his lies, including our 3 grown daughters, 8 grandchildren and my first great granddaughter. The legal system is so corrupt that I will owe any monies to attornies when he and the legal system finally grants the divorce, which he filed for, but He is still fighting every step of the way. I will keep you in my prayers and ask you do the same for me.
Divorce is painful enough without the various forms of abuse. Be prepared, stash money, resources and have places of safety on hand, have bolt holes even if out of town/province/state. Have protection orders ready and if necessary take your kids and walk out. There are networks that help women disappear, new identities but be willing to leave at moments notice and never look back. You are fighting for your children’s lives and ultimately your sanity.
Went through the same thing years ago with my first husband. It was a nightmare! The courts don’t care at all about children. They divide the children up equally just like property or bank accounts. No matter they are living, breathing and developing human beings! I was so glad when my children became legal adults and I no longer had to deal with their dad. I didn’t know to label him a narcissist back then. I so wish I had! Things probably would have turned out better for the children and me. Unfortunatley, I’m currently seeking info in divorcing my second husband and realized both husbands 1 and 2 are narcissists. I can sure pick em! Fortunately there are no children involved this time. The separation has been relatively civil in comparison to the end of my first marriage, but the legal proceedings have not yet begun. I just want to be prepared this time.