Real moms and stepmoms have to find a way to work together. Do I want to be nice to the new girl in my ex’s life? Uh…no. I’d rather see her on a milk carton, but that choice isn’t mine to make.
I’m a mom to two beautiful little girls and I was also a stepmom for 12 years. Neither position is easy and pitting these two very real human beings together happens more frequently than not and it’s not something that’s discussed often enough.
If you are a real mom, then you naturally feel animosity toward the new and improved you…the new stepmom. And let’s face it ladies, women are competitive with each other regardless of the position.
I was jealous of the ex-wife and now I find that at times, I’m jealous of the new one. Crazy! But at least I can admit it!
But ultimately, no matter if you love or loathe the new stepmom, the ex-wife, or the one your ex is shacking up with, you ALL have one thing in common…and that’s loving the kids.
A real mom truly feels in her soul that no one can take care of her children as well as she can
Period.
And a stepmom just wants a chance.
10 Things Real Moms Think But Never Say
1. These are my kids and they will never be yours, so please don’t make them or even allow them to call you mom. It’s not appropriate and it’s completely disrespectful. Plus it pisses me off.
2. Don’t discipline my children. This is the responsibility of the REAL parent. If they do something that you don’t like, tell your husband and let him handle the situation.
3. No, I don’t have to show you any respect at all. You EARN my respect through my children. If they like you, I like you. It’s really that simple.
4. Do not make my kids hug and kiss you. My children are very affectionate on their own so do not ask for a hug or a kiss. That’s invading their boundaries. If they want to hug or kiss you, they will. If they don’t offer, then don’t ask.
5. Do not bathe my children…that is their father’s job and I honestly don’t feel comfortable with you seeing my children naked. All about their boundaries again.
6. If you hurt my children, you will go missing. This is in no way a threat, it is a promise that will be kept.
7. Act like an adult around my kids. This means, wear clothes that fit and don’t dress like a slut, keep yourself clean, don’t cuss, and don’t try to be their best friend. You are a stepparent now and they have “friends” their own age.
8. Set an example for them. Don’t drink or do drugs or ANYTHING illegal around my kids. You are only around them for 4 days a month so this shouldn’t be a problem. This is true for car seats and seatbelts too. Make sure they are safe at all times.
9. Don’t bad mouth me…ever. I will always be their number 1 and you have to accept that. Also, you and I will not see eye to eye on everything, so if you say bad things about me to or, in front of my kids, you will feel the wrath of the mom from hell. If I can be strong enough to say only nice things about you, then you can do it too.
10. Don’t be the babysitter for your new & wonderful husband (*giggles*). These are his kids so it kind of falls on you to make sure that he actually spends time with them on his weekends. If he wants some alone time with them, then let him have it. He sees you all the time and only sees his kids 4 days a month so don’t be selfish.At the same time, don’t be taken for granted as being his built in babysitter. Been there, not fun.
7 Things Stepmoms Think But Never Say
1. Yes, I married your ex…get over it already.
2. Your kids are amazing and at times I wish they were mine and WOULD call me mom, even though I would correct them.
3. I’m not your enemy and I would like nothing more than to be given a chance to love your kids. I only want the best for them and I wish you could see and accept that.
4. Your kids drive me absolutely crazy when they talk about you and how wonderful and perfect you are. And it’s only because I’m jealous that they don’t say those things about me.
5. I’m on your side and I’m trying to learn how you want me to do things, but I’m going to screw up, so please don’t say mean things about me to your kids.It’s hard enough being a part-time step-parent without them hating me.
6. Stop griping to your ex/MY husband about the things that I’m doing wrong. Just tell me!! I’m an adult and I feel completely left out when you call and text my husband and never even try to talk to me. We need an open line of communication.
7. Don’t banish me from your kids’ school or sporting events. I am there to support my husband AND your kids. I’m not there to be a thorn in your side.
Real moms and stepmoms have to find a way to work together. Do I want to be nice to the new girl in my ex’s life? Uh…no. I’d rather see her on a milk carton, but this choice isn’t mine to make.
So I’m moving past the jealousy – which was weird, to begin with – and I’m ONLY going to do what’s right by my girls. If they like her, then I like her. This doesn’t mean I’m friends with her…it just means that I’m doing the best that I can at the moment, and I’m doing it for my girls.
Nice article. Imo you are spot on with the 10 things moms think, but I think you’re missing the boat just a bit when it comes to stepmoms and giving them a bad rap. Stepmoms ARE real moms, too, and it doesn’t drive most of us crazy nor make us jealous to hear our children speak highly of their biological moms (that’s often the other way around). In fact, great stepmoms encourage it! Most stepmoms also aren’t afraid of making mistakes or being judged for those mistakes, but rather being chastised for the things done right that makes mom crazy one she realizes how much our stepchildren genuinely love and care for us. Being a stepmom is hard. I wish biological moms gave the good ones more credit…
I am a stepmom. Full time step-mom. I work a full-time job, study full-time, pay my half, do my stepson’s laundry, bed, homework, decorate his room, buy him clothing, pay for his school activities, teach him another language, make sure he is always Ready for his tests, do his lunches, breakfast, diner, etc.
The real mom lives with her parents, doesn’t have a driven licences, work what was a student job for me, she had him only on weekend but she works on weekends so he is left with his grandmother that doesn’t speak the same language as him so he spend most of his time watching tv.
I think I can judge as much as I want.
She left her son read all our messages texts exchange on top of everything.
He doesn’t have his own bedroom there and had to sleep in her bed. (He is 11.)
So when she was blathering about something I wrote in his agenda, I texted her I thought it was absolutely inappropriate to share a bed with him and I am not always kind with my word. Back then I didn’t know but my stepson was reading the texts. So he knew exactly how I felt.
I always wanted to adopt so I guess he is kind of my adopted son.
What I would say is:
1) I am sorry you haven’t move on with your life and didn’t had the energy to improve yourself but that is not my problem.
2) if my boyfriend didn’t have the misfortune to have married you, I would have under no circumstances interacted with you.
3) if you are not a good mother, I will step up. At least someone here cares.
4) if your son is doing so well in school, you can thanks me.
5) I don’t have to say nothing about you, he knows who I am and your bad mouth says more about you than about me.
6) do I think I am better than you? I don’t think, I know. But I don’t feel the need to brag about it. I simply answered your question.
7) everything you aren’t doing and everything I am doing, he will forever remember.
8) he will be a kid only once, better do it right.
9) my mom has never called my ex’s mom after 8 years split to ask him to come back with me. Never.
10) you should cherish my advice to you. Truth is a very expensive gift.
How about that?
Well said! I’m a full time step mom to 3. I’ve already raised my 3 kids and I’m so blessed to do it again with my husbands kids. The bio mom is a train wreck! Interrupts our family plans to make her own only to cancel at the last minute. Not cool! I dont all just like you. Take them to doctors/dentist appointment. Pay for activities, lunch, dinner, clothing, take them to church, teach them manners, and cleanliness. I even encourage them to spend more time with their mother. The oldest is now 17 and doesn’t want to see her. The other two are 12 and 11. They still see their mother but make many excuses for her behavior. We all just pray for her but its not easy dealing with a crazy, mentally ill, baby momma who doesn’t work, have a steady home or contribute in any way towards her kids, but has no problem posting pics of what a wonderful life she’s living and how much she loves her kids… Talk is cheap!
Kudos to all the amazing step-moms out there we should be called super-moms!!!
Lets keep doing what we’re doing the kids will thanks up eventually!
Hey I’m 14 and I’m put in the middle of my mom and stepmom. I want to believe my mom but she lied to me before and she’s not rlly stable and she talks about my stepmom a lot like how she feeds us lies. My stepmom isn’t the “tries to make my stepchildren love me” kind of stepmom but she is always there for me unlike my mom bc my moms broke, but my stepmom talks bad abt my mom to and I talk abt my problems with my mom to my stepmom. I just rlly want to know the truth abt them. They fight and say stuff abt each other and expect me to agree and they say when you get older you’ll see it but I just want to know who’s telling the truth . I want to think my mom has no reason to lie to me and my brother but she has plenty abt why she can’t see us on her weekend and I want to believe my stepmom bc she has always been there for me even tho she can be mean a lot and she just has her days. Just please help they want me to pick between each other even tho they didn’t say it I know they do and I can’t talk to my dad bc when I ask him questions he says go ask my stepmom. I want to be able to talk to my dad and him be honest with me and not to get sad or upset with what I say or ask and I don’t want to make this awkward with him again. I’m just a kid and I hv to go through this and I feel alone bc I can’t talk to ether of them without them only saying what they think abt each other. I hv been to a therapist bc of my parents divorce but I’m not good at talking abt my feeling and I let them build up till I can’t take it no more and I feel like whatever I say to my therapist she will just tell my parents and then they will try to talk to me and then they’ll just fight over it. Please just give me advice and help me.
Amelyia, you’ve been put in a position that is not your place. They, both your mom and stepmom are doing grave harm to you. Here is my suggestion, next time either one of them starts to say anything negative about the other, hold your hand up, tell them to stop, and that you will NOT take part in their war with each other. Tell them you DO NOT want to hear what they have to say to each other. You are surrounded by adults who are not taking care of you and putting you first. If the adults won’t do that, you have to do it yourself. Stand up for yourself. Be kind and civil but let them know that you will no longer be put in the middle. I’m so, so sorry that this is happening to you. If you need to, you can email me at [email protected]. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
Yeah I’d have to say you definitely missed the mark on step moms… I honestly could care less what bio mom says about me or thinks because I know I was a step kid once and even if step daughter doesn’t see how hard I’m trying now…. she will when she is older. This article is more or less for Bio Moms…. have fun boo
100%! I was feeling the same way in regards to the step mom list…the list is incorrect and places we SMs in a “victim” stance lacking the confidence to even be a MOTHER to any child. Just to add to your list, For example, As much as I love my SD, I don’t wish she were mine. I look forward to having my own with my husband and my having that blood connection with my SD. And being given a chance to love MY HUSBAND’S kids is not up to Bio Mom…it’s up to us as a separate family unit and up to these children with their own emotions and desires to connect with the other adults in their lives. If Bio Mom is the reason the children want to hate me, then YOU as the BM must be manipulating them to feel that way through conversations, projections, or simple bad energy. Stop it! These kids are sponges! They suck in everything and want to please their primary caretakers…Mom’s especially! And NOOO I am NOT going to learn how to do things YOUR way. My husband and I are perfectly capable of being parents, ESPECIALLY when we have 50% custody…so that care is far more than 4 days a month. My house, my rules. As long as the kids are safe and taken care of, that’s all that should matter to BM. And when BM is impossible to co-parent with, you can BET that policy will be enforced even harder.
This is an interesting article. I’m a recent step-mum, so I’ve been looking for articles that can help me understand why my partner’s ex-wife is often rude or dismissive of me. I do this in order to learn the best way to approach the situation for the benefit of the kids and my relationship. So thank you for putting this down.
On the other hand, as I was reading through this list I found myself feeling quite annoyed by some of the things ‘real moms think’. I found myself thinking, those aren’t my issue as a step-mum, they’re the issue of the woman thinking them.
Here are my thoughts:
They’re your kids, not the step-mum’s
Yes. Agreed. I don’t expect my step-kids to ever call me mum. It would be weird and inappropriate. I’m amazed that any step-mums would try for this. On the other hand, the fact that you feel the need to use the term ‘real mom’ seems to suggest that you actually feel quite threatened by this possibility. Why not just ‘mom’? What’s the opposite of ‘real mom’ except ‘fake mom’. Like it or not, the step-mum does mothering things for her step-kids – even those like me who have no intention of ever acting like their mother. Please don’t disrespect that by implying we are ‘fake’.
Don’t discipline my children.
Agreed – mostly. That’s my partners job and luckily mine does it well. However – however – every kid breaks rules. In MY house, I have a right to expect rules to be followed. When my partner is not around, I have the right to make comment on that to my partners kids. While I agree step-parents can’t be the primary disciplinarians, it is illogical and unreasonable to expect that they will always keep their silence no matter what. A happy step-parent makes for a happier home. I would think mums would want to support that outcome for their kids.
No, I don’t have to show you any respect at all.
Yes, you do actually. For the reason I noted above. You may feel you have some righteous authority over the step-parent by virtue of being the ‘real mom’, but actually disrespecting the woman who is your ex-husband’s partner hurts you and the kids in the long-run. Respect offered on all sides and a commitment to building a respectful co-parenting situation is I would think mandatory to a happy home for the kids. It’s up to you in the end to model good behaviour if you want happy, well-adjusted kids. Also your kids will take their cues from you. If you don’t respect the step-parent, then they won’t either. Recipe for disaster.
Do not make my kids hug and kiss you.
Agreed. Kids need to be allowed to set the boundaries they are happy with and the pace with which they are prepared to build a relationship with the step-parent.
Do not bathe my children.
The fact that this needs to be in here is really flummoxing. But let’s say that there is a step-parent who is stepping in to do this for the children. I think in such an instance a reasonable approach would be to approach the biological parent for an explanation of why they have abdicated that responsibility rather than having a go at the step-parent, who may actually just be stepping in to do what’s right for your kids.
Don’t hurt my children.
I actually doubt you’d kill someone. It’s against the law. So I find this hyperbolic but okay… you don’t want a psychopath as a step-parent. Agreed.
Act like an adult. Don’t dress like a slut etc.
I found this strangely one of the more patronising and insulting points. I know this won’t go down well but you – as the biological mum – have zero authority to dictate to another woman (even if she’s your kid’s stepmother) what to do, how to dress and how to behave. I know you feel like you do because ‘kids’ but you don’t. Zero. None. Nada. You also don’t get to dictate how she chooses to approach step-parenting or to cope with that difficult job. You don’t get to dictate what kind of relationship she builds with your kids or how she builds it. If you have valid concerns about things your kids are exposed to, you should take them to the person you co-parent with – her partner. It probably really gets you angry, but you have no control on this one so my suggestion would be to make your peace with that.
Set an example for them.
Again, see above. Ideally yes, we don’t want people around our kids who do drugs or are alchoholics. Take your concerns to your ex-partner.
Don’t bad mouth me… ever.
Ditto. Seriously, don’t. If you care about your kids – you would offer the step-parent the same dignity and respect.
Don’t be the babysitter.
Sometimes the step-mum will be and that will be totally reasonable. Again – and I know this grates – but you have really no reasonable right to expect to have a say in how your ex-partner and his wife organise their home or their relationship. I suggest you make your peace with that.
I also took some issue with the 7 things stepmoms think but never say list. As a step-mum, I have never wished my partner’s kids were mine or that they call me mum. I love my step-kids to death. I would jump in front of a bus for them. But I am not their mum and I am okay with that. So please don’t assume we all think the same.
The point about being jealous when the step-kids talk about their mum also grates. My step-kids do say wonderful things about me. They also say wonderful things about their mum. As is natural. That point for me also has undertones of bitterness and doesn’t resonate.
Here’s what I do wish I could say to my step-kids mum:
When I dreamt of meeting the love-of-my-life, I didn’t expect he’d come with kids and an ex-wife. It’s not what I imagined, so I may have been slow to adjust. But I am learning. Respect that I’m trying – there’s no definitive rule-book on this. I’m bound to make mistakes.
I don’t want to take your place as their mum and have no intention of pretending to be their mum. I couldn’t even if by some illogical and crazy impulse I wanted to. So please stop acting threatened in front of me. It’s awkward and it makes the kids uncomfortable.
Believe it or not, my relationship has nothing to do with you. I am not a ‘replacement’ of you. My relationship with my partner is unique to us. So don’t assume the problems you had are the ones we’re having or that the man you married is the same as the man I’m now with. Maybe we’re more compatible with each other than the two of you were.
I’m with your ex and am in your kids’ lives. It’s time to accept that and greet me when you walk into my home. Just as I have had to get used to the fact that you will always be in my life, so too you need accept that I am in the life of your kids.
Some things are for you and my husband to discuss. But others involve me whether you like it or not. What happens in my home, involves me. The rules that are made in my home, involves me. When you use my step-daughter’s key to enter our house without our permission, it is not just my husband you need to apologise to. It is me. Your rights to come and go as you please and set the rules end at my front-door.
Given the above though, I am not an unreasonable person. If you act like an adult and are respectful, you will find I’m actually quite easy to deal with and capable of being very reasonable. Talk to me. There’s no reason for us to feel threatened by each other.
Don’t put my husband down in front of me or the kids. It’s undignified and bitter. Likewise, I don’t appreciate the constant reminders that you were together that you pop in to every conversation when you get the chance. I get it – you were there first. But all it does is leave me feeling that you’re still jealous and bitter, and believe it or not, that has nothing to do with me. The breakdown of your marriage is something you are responsible for. Not me. Get help if you need to process, but please stop projecting.
If you were interested, I actually like you as a person. You are obviously a great woman to have co-raised two such marvellous kids. And my husband is a wonderful man – he wouldn’t have been married for 15 years to a horrible person. In other circumstances we may even have been friends. I don’t expect friendship, but treating me as the enemy or in ways that communicate that you find me threatening just creates animosity between us and I’m only human. I can only breathe and count to 10 so many times before I start to intensely dislike having to deal with you. So let’s make it easy on each other eh? I love this man and the kids you had with him, so I will be patient and continue to commit to turning up in loving ways that lead to positive outcomes for everyone. Sometimes though, you make my life unbelievably difficult and I will need to take space and vent my frustrations. Being a step-mother is actually bloody hard work and I do it despite knowing you may never give me credit for that but instead may create lists like those of the ‘real mom’ above.
Ditto a million times over to this post; you stated everything more eloquently than I would have cared to. That said, I felt the article was complete rubbish from A to Z.
Bravo. I read the original article and it didn’t sit right with me. I’m so glad I decided to read the comments because what you said is whay I was searching for tonight. And my exact thoughts about the original article. Thanks so much!
“Believe it or not, my relationship has nothing to do with you. I am not a ‘replacement’ of you. My relationship with my partner is unique to us. So don’t assume the problems you had are the ones we’re having or that the man you married is the same as the man I’m now with. Maybe we’re more compatible with each other than the two of you were.”
“And my husband is a wonderful man – he wouldn’t have been married for 15 years to a horrible person. In other circumstances we may even have been friends. I don’t expect friendship, but treating me as the enemy or in ways that communicate that you find me threatening just creates animosity between us and I’m only human. ”
I don’t know your situation, but in mine my husband cheated on me, left me during cancer and then got a woman pregnant 5 months later. They now are in a “committed” relationship. I’m sure he told her some very one-sided stories about me. Don’t always assume that you were told the truth by the man. Maybe he was married for 15 years because that person was not as horrible as he made her sound? Maybe a lot of the conflict is created by him and you do not really realize it. I’m not saying that is the case, but I would like to say that there are many different scenarios.
You said every single thing spot on. A million times better written than this supposed article. This disrespectful and delusional woman is the epitome of bad coparenting and promoting unhealthy relationships with step parents.
You are one of about three adults in this entire comments section. You actually provided real advice. The article was just a disaster. I think the only reason it’s still up in your comment.
What a horrible article, haha. Once again…not sure why stepmoms are expected to coddle narcissistic biomoms who usually overstep in our lives with no remorse. Guess what else we think…1. Get over yourself. 2. Nope, you’re really not the center of our attention 24/7 3. Your kid is no more special than any others in this home and it is OUR home. NOT yours. So RESPECTFULLY address your concerns about what goes on in our home. 4. I’m not your nanny. 5. Guess what, odds are I don’t WANT to be your kid’s mom and some GRATITUDE is in order for the things we are willing to help with cause it ain’t always a walk in a park dealing with problems we didn’t create. 6. Your kids mean the world to YOU and most of us get that because we are usually biomoms too. This DOES NOT mean your child craps gold while walking on water in my house or is any more (or less) special than any other child in our household. Sorry not sorry.
Our lives aren’t defined by your approval. Deal with that or don’t, life keeps on keeping on either way. It’s so gross telling women who happen to be stepmoms that we should coddle and bow down to narcissistic and abusive behaviors from women who cling to this false sense of entitlement in our homes and marriages. Odds are your kid is going to survive a mismatched outfit once in a while. To those steps and bios doing your best, keep at it but this was just such an insulting attempt at insight into the minds of most stepmoms. Most are just trying to get through and do right by our spouses and impressionable youths in our home. If a bio mom has control issues or insecurities about her “position” in their kid’s life…that’s really not our problem past a certain point.
Vent concluded.
Nice read even though it’s clearly been written by a “real mom” who has decided to “move past the jealousy,” but hasn’t actually started to do so yet. Stepmoms are just as “real” in the lives of their children as their biological mothers are, and often times, the more the children love their stepmother, the more jealous the biological mom becomes. Stepmoms also aren’t jealous when their step children talk favorably about their biological mothers. Most both expect and encourage it in the same way stepmothers know their step children do the same of them when the environment is created. Most stepmothers aren’t jealous of the ex either. They’re leery of them – of their intentions, of their true desires, and of their ability to genuinely make space for a new member in the family whose role and responsibilities so closely mirror their own. If more “real moms” were secure in their place in their children’s lives, perhaps the delineation between what kind of mother each woman is wouldn’t be necessary at all. After all, we don’t ask other mothers (ie, foster, adopted, etc.) to make such a distinction, do we?
I’m going to guess that you are a stepmom, right? After reading your comment, I think the only person blurring the lines between the role of real moms and stepmoms is you. You may be as “real” in your stepchild’s life as their mom, but, you aren’t their mom. The postman is “real” but that doesn’t give him a role in the child’s life larger than he/she already has. I’m a stepmom and a real mom. There is a difference. A difference in the way you feel about the children, a difference in the bond you have with the children AND a huge difference in the responsibilities in each situation. My stepchildren have a real mom who is responsible for them. My role is to love them, care about them, take care of them when they are in my care and to NEVER confuse differences in my role as a stepmom from their real mom’s role in their lives. This isn’t about real moms being jealous or, stepmoms being as important, it’s about boundaries and respecting those boundaries. If we, as moms and stepmoms do that, there is no conflict, jealousy or anything else that is negative.
Actually Amanda, I’m a biological mother of five (two of whom have a stepmother as well) and a stepmother of one who has been in my life since she was two; she’s now 14. Fortunately, our family doesn’t feel the need to create imaginary boundaries in the minds, hearts and lives of our children in order to make the adults in the equation feel comfortable in their roles because we’re mature enough to realize that the human experience allows for us to love more than one person at a time. But hey? To each their own.
Your previous comment and statements about biological moms says to me that, not all is well in paradise. You make one comment with disparaging comments about bio moms and then a second professing a family with a complete and total understanding of what it takes to realize the “human experience.” I’m not buying it. You have issues with the bio mom in your situation and, it sounds like an issue with boundaries.
Agreed.
Amanda would you be interested in meeting my ex and I don’t know……maybe marry him and be my girls stepmom because unlike most stepmoms (including Sara) just don’t get it. They don’t understand boundaries or respect the bio moms position. Sara you seem very immature and insecure and if your going to be there til the end you’ve got a lot of growing up to do. I know if you were my girls stepmom (and you remind me by what you’ve said of their soon to be stepmom) id make sure you know your place or like the article says u would see the mom from hell.
Know your place???? We don’t WANT to have other women’s kids in our homes/lives, – we tolerate it, try to love the kids for who they are, and work damn hard for kids that aren’t even our responsibility! You should know YOUR place, – out of your ex husband’s new family’s lives.
If you’re not paying my mortgage…then you will know YOUR place. My house, my rules. You can wait outside with that attitude.
After reading some of these Im a little afraid to ask but here goes. I have been with my husband for 3 years and his daughter lives in a different state, we get her all summer and 2 weeks at Christmas. I came into the realationship having never experienced this type of custody. Her mom has never met me or spoken to me which I find hard to understand. I do not have any children of my own, however I love this little girl and have always loved children and cant imagine leaving my child with someone I had never met let alone never even spoken to. I have written her a letter to express my appreciation to her for how she raises her daughter and to try to get on the same page with her. We have issues arise with her daughter lying and then screaming phone calls from the mom. I honestly didnt really want to meet her initialy when we started dating but after 3 years I would have thought we would have at least spoken. Any good advise for why she doesnt want to even speak to me? She left my husband when their daughter was 5 months old , she is almost 11. She has been remarried for years. I just dont understand.
Beth, as long as you love your stepdaughter don’t worry about her mother. I can’t imagine, either, never meeting or talking to my child’s step-parent. Oh, wait, yes I can because my ex-husband’s wife was the same way. She wouldn’t look me in the face, never said hello or showed any interest in getting to know me, the mother of the child she spent so much time with. After a few attempts at being civil to her I came to realize that only she knew why she was not open to a more civil relationship with me. My son was being treated well and, in the end, that is what mattered to me. Sometimes there is no understanding, we just have to accept folks for who they are and let go of the desire for them to be more. Focus on your family and teaching your step-daughter the virtue of kindness and generosity.
Cathy, Thank you so much! That really does make me feel better about the situation. We do focus on kindness and generosity, I will work on accepting it for what it is and continue to help our family be healthy and happy. Its hard sometimes because our families morals are more conservative than her moms but all we can do is show love and be a good example! Thank you very much for you feedback!
I am a “real mom” and a step mom. Articles like this always get me because they come from a place of bitterness and jealousy on part of the exwife.
As an exwife, it was in my absolute best interest to make my now adult kids respect their stepmother I had children with a man who is a responsible father and has always looked out for the best interest of his kids.
As a wife to my now husband and dealing with an exwife who thought she could control what goes on in my home is another story. I was not a young wife, and was set in my ways. I was blessed to be able to have kids with my now husband. My steps were close in age to my “real” kids. So our house rules were the same for all the kids. Most activities were planned as family activities and I was the one who coordinated it all for MY family.
She saw it as I was trying to be controlling. That was her issue.
I couldn’t edit my post so am adding…
My point is that as the new wife, I didn’t care if she respected me or didn’t. I treat all of the kids in the same, and my husband and I are on the same page.
No, Jessica, they don’t come from a place of bitterness or jealousy. They come from a place of reality. Not every stepmother or ex-husband puts the absolute best interest of a child first. Not every ex-husband is a responsible father who looks after their child’s best interest.
You can’t project your situation off onto everyone else. Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. If you stepped on her time, with her “real” children you were trying to control. If you didn’t, you weren’t.
My children’s stepmother went to their schools and put her name on their contact list. When my youngest went to live with his father she had my name removed as a contact. I spoke to her when my son first went to live with them, told her I appreciated her loving him and taking such good care of him. It was my attempt to build a civil bridge with the woman my child was living with. Her response, a screaming shrew who cursed at me with words no one had ever used against me.
What was I guilty of? Nothing other than I had once been married to the man she was then married to. It didn’t take but 6 months with her for my son to be ready to move back home with me.
The only bitter, jealous person in my situation was the new stepmother. And, my son paid the price. So, articles like this don’t get me, because I get them.
Well said Cathy. My sons are grown, and I (Bio-Mom) continue to deal with their under-mining, controlling step-mom. She has a “covert passive-agressive” personality (conceals intent to ensure you never really see what’s coming). She appears quite charming and is subtle in her manipulation to achieve what she wants. It’s difficult dealing with this for 15 years. I just continue to be true to myself and love my son’s unconditionally.
I’m both a SM and BM. If you’re not jealous and controlling, then you have no problem with another woman having influence in your child’s life. I love my child’s SM and I think she’s an amazing woman. Once you let the jealousy and resentment go, it will make your life easier. If you’ve done your research, then you’d know that stepmoms have it the hardest. And no, we don’t want to be “mom” to the stepkids-they already have one-but we don’t have to tolerate disrespect from bratty kids. This article is obviously written by a bio-mom because step moms would have had a lot more to say.
Oh my word! Teapot calling the kettle black. Who is projecting, now? Not all biological mothers are saints. Enough use the children as currency to manipulate the exes they are angry at. Don’t dismiss another woman’s experience by using your own children and the fact that you had any as a excuse to refuse to consider differences and the possibility that you could actually be wrong about something.
Gloria, you’re the only one dismissing anyone’s experience. And, the only one refusing to consider differences. You might want to check yourself before calling anyone else out.
Um to the “real” mothers.. if a step mom plays a huge role in the step child’s life. You better believe I will discipline the child. Not saying I’d hit the kid but if they need to learn then there will be consequences and that isn’t the mothers choice. Sorry to break it to the bio mom’s but if you guys chose to separate then what goes on in my house with the father of my step child is how we want to raise the child aside from how the bio mom and possible step dad want to raise the child in their home. If the father gives the step mom permission to be a part of their life. Yes! There will be rules and yes there will be consequences of those rules are broken. Sorry bio mom’s but you don’t have a say in my home with the father!
I forgot to point out that yes bio mom’s have a say in everything like sports and school etc. But NOT how the father and step mom , or mother and step dad raise the kid in their own homes sorry! I am a step mom..
And this is how it works
step moms barely have a say the father and the bio mom are the one who have to come to agreeable terms not the stepmom
This is ridiculous…did a child write this column?
The author clearly has the attitude of a narcissist. So if my step-son has chosen to call me “mom” I’m supposed to tell him he cant? How retarded. My husband’s ex cheated on him and left gim. Took his toddler son and moved 2 hours away before the divorce hearing. She neglects him and left him in daycare daily (even in her days off for almost 11 hours a day) and she twlls our son im not his real mom. Hate to break it to her but I stepped up and acted like the “real” mom when she chose not to. By the way if you leave your husband and cheat on him, divorce him, you can’t be a bitch to the “new” wife. You made your bed honey. The only reason I can understand a divorced mom feeling bitter is if she was the one who was keft and dumped in the relationship. My husband’s ex is a special breed of crazy though and projects all her character flaws on everyone but herself.
I live with my husband and his three kids from previos marriage and our onr together. I am the “real” mother to every single one of them. Sometumes they call me by my name other times they call me Mommy, I’d never “correct” them… this is THEIR choice and THEIRS alone. I’d never ask anything but for them to do whatever they are comfortable with. I make them Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, Dinner, and Dessert every single day. i watch movies with them, color with them, help them with homework, buy their clothes, pay for extra curricular activities, read them bed time stories, tuck them in, kiss their ouchies, and literally everything else a “real” mother does for her children. I have answered their biological moms texts/calls every single time, listened to her cuss me out, wiped the tears from OUR childrens cheeks after she tells them horrible things to make them think poorly of me. She has not contacted us for the children in 6 months now. She’s not asked to pay child support, only to be there for them physically and emotionally. She has not. Sometimes the “real” mom IS the step mom. I love our children, with every ounce of soul in my body.
What I think most stepmoms don’t understand is that most natural moms take our jobs seriously. When we gave birth, no one told us that if the marriage didn’t work out, we’d have to share our mom role with another woman. Most of us love our kids and are devoted to being a mom 100%, regardless of the relationship status. But instead, we’re forced to share the most important role of our lives with another woman. Stepmoms, imagine if the law was that any kids you had with our ex-husbands had to be part of the custody schedule. Meaning, what if when our biological kids came home to us, your kids came with them and we shared in raising them. You’d have a fit, right? But what if you had no choice? Natural moms are jealous, bitter, envious, or any of those immature things. We’re just fighting for our role as mothers to not be communal, insulted, degraded, or taken away. So stepmoms, stop acting as if the role of a mom is supposed to be shared across a group of women… it’s not. Let us be the moms and you be the wives to your husbands. When you STEP out of the way and let us and our ex-husbands handle parenting our kids, life is much simpler. But when you try to be us, and have a haughty and self-righteous attitude, looking down on us as if we’re somehow a lower-class person because we’re single moms, you will have problems. We didn’t choose you to coparent with. We chose our ex-husbands. So please just be a wife to our ex, not a mom to our kids.
I know this is very late but after reading this I feel I should post my experience. I am a bio mom and I am a step mom. I am a bio mom to a 5 year old daughter and a step mom to a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. I feel like the things in this post are true and yet not true. I think it depends on what kind of a person you are and what kind of a person the other women is, bio mom or step mom. When I first became divorced and found out my ex had been having an affair and had gotten the other women pregnant and he chose her over our family, yes I was jealous. I thought this was the man I’d spend forever with and some other women took him from me and now also gets to take my daughter from me. But then the more time my daughter spent with her and the more she would be excited to go and have fun with her step mom the more I realized I had been so wrong. It was never her fault that my ex chose her and their son over me and my daughter, it was his choice not hers. And honestly when him and I were together we were very young and immature and it may have been my fault as well. How could I hate and be jealous of a women who was already getting a bad rep from his friends and family but yet stuck through it all and helped make my daughter feel at home and safe and comfortable? How could I hate a women who makes my daughter so happy? I couldn’t, in fact I started to like her. When I stopped being selfish and thinking why did this happen to me, and started thinking wow what I great women who stepped up and helped raise a kid that she didnt have and never expected to have and never expected to be in the position she is in, I started to realize she’s not evil or trying to corrupt my kid to turn against me. She’s just like me. A mom who is trying her dang best to raise her kids and make them happy and feel loved and dang this women deserves a trophy for the bs I put her through plus having to deal with his family thinking she’s a homewrecker and raising a child that isn’t hers while balancing raising her own child and being a wife. This ladies is not an easy task at all and I honestly love her for doing the best that she can. I am also a step mom as I said before and so I can also emphasize with other things. I would never expect my step kids to call me mom and in fact my name to them is leelee because they have a hard time pronouncing my name. I love it because it’s not “mom” but it’s also a nickname that I feel special about. My daughter has a nickname for her step mom as well that is adorable. However there are days it’s hard because both my ex and I and my new husband and his ex have conflicting visitation schedules. I have 50/50. So one week with me and one week with dad. He had full/partial so his kids are with us all week and then the first, third and fifth weekends are with the mom. Sometimes his kids will call me mom because my daughter calls me mom and I will have to correct them or sometimes my daughter will call me leelee and my husband or I will have to correct her. This is the only time it does get hard to balance the mom and not mom names. Honestly though if my daughter wanted to call her step mom mom then I would be ok with it as long as she came to call her that on her own and it wasn’t forced on her. To me it would make me happy to know that she feels so loved in both homes that she has two moms and not just one. My husbands ex however is still in the stage I was before my eyes were opened. She tells me what they should wear and what I should wear, what they should eat, what I should and shouldn’t say or do or act like. I am a nurse practitioner with a masters degree, I don’t need to be told these things. However I don’t get mad at her because I know the place she is coming from. So instead of getting pissy and going off on her or telling my husband bad things about her, I tell her I will do my best and I thank her. I tell her I know it’s hard but that one day I hope she sees that her kids will always love her and that I could and would never replace her because she is their mom and that will never change. I think that a lot of the time either the bio mom or step mom doesnt understand the others feelings. The bio mom feels hurt, lost, like she’s losing the most important things in her life and that is a scary moment. The step mom is also hurt, lost and feels overwhelmed and out of place and is also a very scary moment. However the bio mom, instead of hating on the step mom and feeling jealous and resentment, should tell the step mom thank you for helping, thank you for being there, thank you for doing all the things you do that you don’t have to do, thank you for accepting and loving my child who is now also a part of your life. And the step mom, instead of feeling anger and resentment and jealously or feeling like the bio mom is taking over her life, should say thank you for giving me a chance to be part of this beautiful child life, thank you for showing me how this child has been raised and what they are used to and not used to, thank you for letting me in and letting me love this child as my own even though he or she is not my own, I will do my best to show them how amazing you are as mother, just like you show them how amazing I am as a co parent. Bio moms and step moms should not hate each other or be jealous of each other. They should work together as a team, as a family, to show the child or children that they are so loved by so many and unconditionally forever. My daughters step mom and I get along so great and I can tell how confident and happy and loved my daughter feels because of this. We go to her plays together, we go shopping for her school supplies together, we sometimes go catch a movie just the two of us. My daughters step mom is not evil. She is a beautiful angel sent to help me, my child, and my ex through a time that was not easy. She has become my closest friend and for that I am thankful. My step kids mother is harder to co parent with, however i believe that she also is an amazing women sent into my life to give me direction when I am lost and to open my eyes to a bigger picture. Though she still does not like me, she is the mother of two amazing children, and she raises them to be respectful and to not hate me, and for that I love her as well. Change takes time and it is never easy. But once you realize the children are more important then you or your pride, you will see how amazing a bond between you and the bio mom or you and the step mom can be. There is so much hate in this world already for your children to see and be introduced to, show them how much love, respect and understanding there is in the world as well.
Many of you bio mom’s say just be a wife and not a mom to my kids. Don’t you think that it would be really unloving to to not treat your children as our own? So you want me to be the evil stepmom so what, you can then say ”oh honey you’re stepmom is so awful’. So if we’re loving and kind, motherly, we’re out of line. So what’s the alternative? It’s quite immature to demand a stepmom not act like a real mom. Unfortunately that’s a consequence if divorce. Someone else will eventually be a stepmom to your child and sadly in some cases, be a better mother figure to your kids. Not all mom’s are like this, but some bio mom’s can be down right wicked to the stepmom. My stepson tells me his mother constantly bashes me to him and tells him I’m not a real mom (I have a child with his father and she never recognizes her as a sibling to her son either). She left my husband for another man, divorced my husband so what now she is hateful because he remarried? That’s the reality of divorce. The only time I can understand a mom being bitter is of her husband left her and cheayee on her with a another woman. When you cheat and dump your husband, guess what? There’s gonna be a stepmama raising your kids.
Just be kind. Mom isn’t “acting like a real mom”, she is just the mom. No one needs to “act” like a real mom when they aren’t. Just be nice, treat the child as you would any other child that came into your home; if you wouldn’t “act” like your niece’s mom, don’t do it to your husband’s kid. Being kind isn’t unloving. The majority of moms aren’t the ones you described so the majority of stepmothers have no reason to say or pretend they are a better “mother figure” to the child (and mom isn’t a “mother figure”).
I have a 3month old baby girl. Bf left me at 6 months pregnant for the new wife he married when my daughter turned 3 months. He hasn’t given any financial aid and since he left he communicated with me only when the gf now wofe was not around. I really really really like your post Rebecca in regards to the Real mom which is myself. I feel so alone a devasted that I bore my child, was struggling to find a place e (he and I were living together but he left me with an eviction) and struggling to get work while he goes and gets his whistle wet and lives blissfully without a care in the world. I finally put my pride aside and allowed him to watch my daughter while I work, knowing his wife would be present because they live together, she straight up said “I am the stepmother and will make sure OUR daughter is well taken care of”, I almost flipped my lid when she automatically assumed that since she married my ex that makes her queen stepmom..it’s hard to think that she will try to win my daughter over, especially since his wife has two older sons and both their dad’s got remarried and she’s 12 years older than my ex and I so she can’t bear anymore children… I don’t care what anyone says anymore, I went through hell trying to establish a home, safety and a life for my daughter and I will damn sure keep that going…where were they when I needed help..that’s right, traveling together with HER CHILDREN…let me be a step mom to her boys…Biatch please…
Goodnight all.
Candace
As a step mother, this is not true- I don’t WANT the step kids at my house (-we have them 50/50), – I’d prefer they be at their mother’s! But when their dad wants them at our house, I am very kind, giving, generous, helpful, and courteous. I’m doing A FAVOUR!!! I owe the bio mum ZERO! She owes me gratitude for sharing my home and lots of positive energy with them!!! She should not have divorced her husband if she wanted her kids with HER all the time! I believe most step mothers would HONESTLY wish they HAD NO STEP CHILDREN!!
Maybe you shouldn’t have got with a man who has kids because you sound very selfish
No, I’m not selfish at all. I am a school teacher who devotes much of herself and her own time and resources to help other women’s children.
But yes, had I known how thankless and invading this job would be, I would definitely not have gotten married.
I’m actually considering divorce, even though I love my husband. I truly was not warned.
I think it could work if the step child’s mother had died, or abandoned the child. Otherwise, I think it’d be in the best interest of everyone for the father to stay single and raise his children wholeheartedly and alone.
No Belinda, most stepmothers would not wish they had no stepchildren. I love my stepchildren as an extension of my husband. I can’t imagine ever begrudging or wishing he had less time with his children. I don’t feel like I’m doing him or anyone else a favor by loving his children. As I said, my love for them is an extension of my love for him. I think maybe that is the problem, you’re falling short in the love department, especially for your husband.
I do have an adult son whom I raised alone. I was a single parent for nearly 20 years (-I home schooled my son for several years as well, and I absolutely loved it!) and he is a very happy and healthy man.
Perhaps I’m just a loner? I prefer to be single, – I just get nothing out of being married, but sacrifices and hard work. I get better returns all the way around being a devoted teacher. It is a lot of hard work but sooo much fun!
Parenting is very rewarding- I absolutely loved raising my son- it was sooo much fun! I don’t know how you say it is thankless! Step parenting is totally different if the children already have a mother, – the children don’t need two mothers. Their mother is a fantastic mother, – I would not want to tread on her ground.
There are two different ideals, and in order not to confuse the step children, I abandon many my ideals in front of her kids so they have as much normalcy as possible. They are very happy, but it costs me a lot. I’m just saying that I’m better off alone.
Obviously statistics agree with me- with about 2/3 of 2nd marriages with step children involved ending in divorce.
You are right in one thing though, – I love my husband but I have definitely fallen ‘out of love’ with him. He is now just a good friend to me. A very sweet man.
Please don’t wish him to raise his children alone. Just because you can’t handle being a stepmom doesn’t mean he and his children don’t deserve a woman who can. I’m going to assume you have no children of your own and I hope you will choose to not have any. Parenting is a thankless job…rewarding but thankless. It isn’t for the selfish or faint of heart and you are quite selfish it would seem.
I was with this article until the point of the list of what the Real parent thinks !!! Wow … insecure much …. #1 this I completely agree with and would never take away from her. As for #2 ,#3,#4,#5 ….. your joking right !! You have to be as your basically saying tell their father to do everything for them but you better be there to supervise him so my children are always safe but do not ever take them swimming as you are not to see them naked and don’t help them at all with learning how to be a respectful human being as if they are ever alone with said step mom NO discipline should be given … you are insane …. this list screams of insecurity , and not wanting the new step mom to be that parent at any time ….. freaking get over yourself already for your kids like so stated in your last lines !!!
Dear “Real Mom”
The fact that you even have to call yourself “real mom” is a clear indication of how incredibly threatened you must feel by you children’s stepmother. I’m sorry you feel that way and further that you also feel that stepparents are out to try and replace their birth parents.
The overwhelming majority of stepparents want to do what is best for their stepchildren and their families (I can guarantee that the last thing most of us are thinking about while making your kids lunch is how we can dress like a “slut” and manipulate our stepkids into calling us “Mom”). In the end, do the work on your end, be positive and fair to your ex and his new spouse – and treat others as you would want to be treated. YOUR children will have a much time easier time adjusting to splitting their time between two households and remember to try to lead by example. Ultimately, if you show respect and courtesy to the stepparent, it will be a hell of a lot easier for your kids to follow suit.
With respect,
Lauren
Lauren, I had to call myself “real mom” on several occasions when my ex was still married to his second wife. My ex went to my son’s school and had my name removed and his new wife’s name entered as my son’s “Mother.” He did the same with my son’s doctors. I was constantly having to prove that I was the “real mom” and had the authority to gain information about the child I had given birth to. I’m going to assume you are a stepmom and probably a good one. BUT just because you are a good stepmom doesn’t mean all stepmoms are. I never felt threatened by my son’s stepmom. I felt pity for her because of the lengths she and my ex would go to to try and shut me out of my son’s life. The misunderstood the lengths I would go to, to maintain my place in his life as his “real mom.” I was never anything but positive and fair and what I got in return was extreme insanity who thought she could enter my son’s life when he was 12-years-old and replace me. What that happens she failed to continue to earn my respect, kindness or civility. So, next time you feel the need to condescend to a “real mom” about how they should treat a stepmom keep this in mind, not all stepmom are created equal. Some stepmoms are horrible women who do everything in their power to create chaos and could care less what that means for the children of the man they married.
I agree wholeheartedly with Cathy, here. I know stepmoms, including my ex-husband’s wife, who married later in life and cannot bear children. She posts photos of herself and my children on social media with comments expressing how she loves her family so much. And my ex glorifies her to my very young children. All the while, they both demean me. It’s parental alienation of a different form: Glorify the stepmom to the children to make them love her; demean, criticize, and harass the biological mom and call her psycho and crazy; then tell the kids how much better stepmom is than biomom. Mimimize the biological mom’s role in the children’s lives by replacing her with a stepmom. Unfortunately, far too many stepmoms (especially those who are childless), buy into this. They want children badly, and would gladly take another woman’s children away.
Hi Jessa, Have you looked at all into personality disorders? I had this same situation happen with my ex husband and his new wife. He always caused a ton on issues but when he finally remarried he and the wife are bonkers. It was as if they thought a person could be interchangeable without any issues. Luckily I have full custody of my girls and was able to continue showing them who I really was and as they have gotten older the pieces are falling into place and they are starting to see that they aren’t such great people. I ask about the personality disorders because it sounds like NPD. Look into it. It will help so much picking up on their behavioural patterns and how they feed off your emotions. I had to go zero contact with his wife and will only answer him now via text. You said they call you “crazy”. They love to project their own emotions onto people. Mine ran around calling everyone who saw thorough his crap ” psycho” and ” bipolar “. They also love to use your natural upset reaction to things they do to you as evidence of their claims that you are “crazy” or a ” bad mom”. So zero reaction to them or the kids is best. I compare it to a cat and mouse. When the mouse stops responding the cat gets tired of swatting it around. Best of luck to you and Happy Mother’s Day!!
This is SOOO not true. I’ve been both. Step mothering SUCKS!!
I’m the step mum and it really is the toughest job I could ever imagine.
I love my SD unconditionally and wish more than anything that she were mine. I spend more time with her than her mother does and provide more support. On average she spends 2 days a week with her mum.
I understand that real mums don’t want their kids introduced to your exs `partners` but trust that they would only do it if they felt it was serious. When me and my husband first met I saw my now step daughter a few times a month, that time increased as me and my now husband became more serious and now she is with us mostly full time.
I am the one to go to her sports days and assemblies at school, her mother does not and due to work commitments her father can’t attend.
Me and my husband buy everything for her pay all her school fees her mother contributes very little.
I am the one that gets her up and ready for school most days of the week and drives the hour commute so she can go to a school with her friends. Works a 9 – 5 and then picks her up from a childminder to take her home.
I’m the one to buy her clothes and organises swimming lessons and runs her here there and everywhere.
Yet I am always the bad person, my every move gets criticised when I’m only trying to do my best. I’m young (24) and have been in SD life for 4 years (she is 6) I don’t have children of my own, although i plan to one day.
I understand the bitter jealously and inadequacy we all must feel, but I think that real mums need to give step mums a break and be grateful for all we do for your children.
I discipline my step daughter when she needs it as she is under my roof and spends most of her time with me, otherwise I would just create a rod for my own back. I buy clothes I feel are appropriate for my SD as I know her style and what sort of thing she likes.
I help bath my SD to make sure she is clean, although at 6 she does this independently, whilst I wait nearby in case she needs help.
I do all I can to be a great mum and because of this I feel we have a good relationship, but I am used as a scape goat by her mother. Initially she hated me and I understood that. But I have proved myself by creating such a great bond with her daughter.
My SD will always love her mum, more than she loves me I’m sure, although I don’t feel real mum deserves that I respect the relationship they have and will continue to do all I can to be the best Step mum I can be.
I hope real mums can read this and realise that most step mums go out of their way to love your children and want nothing but the best for them. Leave the step mums too it (obviously unless you feel your child may be in danger) and let your husband, his wife and your daughter live their lives without you butting in and we will do the same for you and your new partners.
Parenting is hard, but it doesn’t matter who it comes from as long as it stems from love.
I am and have also before been both a mother and a step mother. I still see my ex husbands son as often as possible and have a good relationship with his mother who always tells me how “our” son is doing. Although I haven’t remarried my boyfriend has two children who spend weekends with us. I get along pretty good with one of his children’s mother the other not so much. I also have two kids who live with us all week and spend weekends at their dads. I dont reaply get along with his new girlfriend and honestly i believe that has more to do with hiw things ended and the fact we have never had the chance to actually talk things out. We also have one on the way together so we are looking at a pretty big blended family. How ever I can say that all of those above have at least crossed my mind. I can honestly say that sometimes when these things have crossed my mind it was completely me being insecure. However I have learned through having these different relationships with the children’s biological parents that my feelings now are more based on the amount of respect I am given from each parent. I always try to start out giving the other parent as much respect as I expect from them and sometimes that isn’t always the easiest thing to do. However the kids are so much happier when all of the parents in their life can at least attempt to be civil and not have adult conversations in front of them. I will not sit here and bad mouth any of the parents that I do or have dealt with but I will say this… I truly do believe that each parent has a way to deal with their children that is best for them and their child and every parent has their own idea of quality time. Their beliefs and disipline tactics may not be the same as mine but ifor the children are happy then there is absolutely no reason to be bitter and cause issues where they don’t need to be. What works for one person doesn’t always work for others.
Bitter divorced woman. That’s all I got from this.
Yeah…the rules and assumptions made by bio mom are quite harsh. Being on the stepmom side of things is challenging in so many ways, and if a bio mom acts this way and expects these things, she better be prepared to have the same respects/boundaries or and from stepmom/new wife. My stepdaughters boom
Mom is nice enough, but a complete control freak about their kid and doesn’t communicate with my husband about hardly anything. it’s out of her own insecurity, not for the wellbeing of their child.
Yes. The part about not deserving respect al all. Ever. Any. I don’t even know why the marriage ended or whose fault it was, but I can’t imagine that man has ANY regrets about the divorce after reading that. (Along the Cluster B juvenile death threats.)
So, you think you are owed respect by the mere fact that you exist? You EARN respect, especially when you are stepparenting someone else’s children.
I wonder if the dad’s bash one another and Label themselves? No two situations are the same – so how can there be one right way to handle things?
If two consenting adults choose to divorce, taking their children’s emotional, physical welfare into account, then they should also be concerned by bringing new people into their children’s sphere without careful consideration. It’s about the kids, not the adults. And step-parents can a great addition to a child’s life, not a replacement parent, an added person to love and care. BUT- If infidelity has been in play then as far as I’m concerned, that person cheating with the spouse did not have the children’s welfare in mind, was not respectful of the children what-so-ever and therefore, has absolutely no say in anything. When I found my now ex cheating with his office manager, one of the recorded events was both getting drunk, driving, pulling over in a park and having sex and doing coke with my then six year old asleep in the back seat part of the time. (They went to pick her up at the babysitter’s while I was on a business trip and apparently it had occurred other times.) My child is now 14 and it was not until she was 12 that the ex was allowed to have her in his car or for overnight visits. He’s on his third wife (I was his first, the office mgr the 2nd) but she has been very proactive in being a positive person around my daughter and communicates with me. There’s respect all around.
Dear BioMom,
Stepmoms are real moms, too.
Kindly,
Real Stepdaughter and Real Stepmother
No dear, stepmoms are not real moms. My children have one real mom, that is me. They have one stepmom and thank god she is someone who respects my role in my children’s lives and her role in their lives. NEVER in a million years would she consider herself a real mom to MY children.
No dear, stepmoms are real moms.
I say this as a 37 year old women with 3 stepchildren of my own and a stepmother that was more of a mother than my biological mother ever was.
So for all these self glorified biomoms, here is a different perspective from both the child and stepmother point of view
1) I was raised in one house by both biological parents until I was 18
2) my stepmother has never asked me to call her anything other than her name; I call her mom and introduce her as my mom because she has earned that; it was my stepmother who rose above my mother’s petty BS to give me an example of how a grown woman should behave.
3) She chose to have a relationship with me when my own mother did not; she chooses to acknowledge me as her daughter; and her biological daughter is my sister.
4) I consider her my real mom, so she is my real mom, period. Get over it biomoms.
I’m not confused about who she is. She is the one who protects me, she is my friend and confidant, I choose her because my biological mother made me choose.
As a stepmother:
1) I’m well aware that I didn’t give birth to my kids. But I will protect them and love them no less than if I had. And because Ill never have the chance to have “my own” children I don’t take my kids presence for granted. I have no sense of entitlement to my kids, and not having my own doesn’t mean that I want to “steal” yours. I just enjoy having them in my life.
2) there is nothing more heartbreaking than watching young kids try to navigate the pitfalls of their divorced parent’s relationship. It was terribly confusing for me at 18, I can’t even imagine how they must feel. I don’t lie to my kids, and will not lie to them on their mother’s behalf so she can save face. If you don’t want to be contradicted then just be honest with your kids.
3) just like my step mother I don’t expect my kids to call me anything other than my name. If they decide to call me mom or step mom then that’s their choice and I will not correct them.
4) while I will never spank my kids, I’m damn sure going to discipline them. I’m a part of their lives and therefore am responsible for teaching them right from wrong.
5) that whole bath issue. Get over it. I’m not a predator, I’m helping your children learn hygiene. My husband does not feel entirely comfortable helping his daughters shower because they ask questions that he doesn’t know how to answer. But hey, I’m a girl. I do. I shouldn’t have to be paranoid about helping my kids shower or pick out clothes because someone has the power to twist what is a benign act into something “dirty”.
6) dad’s get a bad rap. I had an amazing father that made up for all of my mother’s failings and then some. I learned selfless parenting from him. My husband is an equally amazing father that wants nothing more than the opportunity to raise his kids to be good people. He is blocked at every chance by a “mother” who only wants the best for her children. I’m by his side every night, I see the torment in his eyes when we have to tell the kids they can’t stay with us. I have watch his moral struggle when he weighs truth over feelings. Calling a biological mom out on her BS is not undermining her as a mother, as far as I’m concerned she undermined herself with the lies.
So all these crazy biological moms on this thread get over yourselves. If your kids have a positive role model in their lives be thankful for it. If they’re fortunate enough to have a stepmother that is going to love them and protect them as fiercely as if they were her own, be thankful for it. I would love to honestly say my kids mother has no impact on my life but she does. At the end of the day it matters to me if she thinks I do right by the kids. Praise is not necessary, but don’t undermine us either.
No dear, stepmoms are real moms.
I say this as a 37 year old women with 3 stepchildren of my own and a stepmother that was more of a mother than my biological mother ever was.
So for all these self glorified biomoms, here is a different perspective from both the child and stepmother point of view
1) I was raised in one house by both biological parents until I was 18
2) my stepmother has never asked me to call her anything other than her name; I call her mom and introduce her as my mom because she has earned that; it was my stepmother who rose above my mother’s petty BS to give me an example of how a grown woman should behave.
3) She chose to have a relationship with me when my own mother did not; she chooses to acknowledge me as her daughter; and her biological daughter is my sister.
4) I consider her my real mom, so she is my real mom, period. Get over it biomoms.
I’m not confused about who she is. She is the one who protects me, she is my friend and confidant, I choose her because my biological mother made me choose.
As a stepmother:
1) I’m well aware that I didn’t give birth to my kids. But I will protect them and love them no less than if I had. And because Ill never have the chance to have “my own” children I don’t take my kids presence for granted. I have no sense of entitlement to my kids, and not having my own doesn’t mean that I want to “steal” yours. I just enjoy having them in my life.
2) there is nothing more heartbreaking than watching young kids try to navigate the pitfalls of their divorced parent’s relationship. It was terribly confusing for me at 18, I can’t even imagine how they must feel. I don’t lie to my kids, and will not lie to them on their mother’s behalf so she can save face. If you don’t want to be contradicted then just be honest with your kids.
3) just like my step mother I don’t expect my kids to call me anything other than my name. If they decide to call me mom or step mom then that’s their choice and I will not correct them.
4) while I will never spank my kids, I’m damn sure going to discipline them. I’m a part of their lives and therefore am responsible for teaching them right from wrong.
5) that whole bath issue. Get over it. I’m not a predator, I’m helping your children learn hygiene. My husband does not feel entirely comfortable helping his daughters shower because they ask questions that he doesn’t know how to answer. But hey, I’m a girl. I do. I shouldn’t have to be paranoid about helping my kids shower or pick out clothes because someone has the power to twist what is a benign act into something “dirty”.
6) dad’s get a bad rap. I had an amazing father that made up for all of my mother’s failings and then some. I learned selfless parenting from him. My husband is an equally amazing father that wants nothing more than the opportunity to raise his kids to be good people. He is blocked at every chance by a “mother” who only wants the best for her children. I’m by his side every night, I see the torment in his eyes when we have to tell the kids they can’t stay with us. I have watch his moral struggle when he weighs truth over feelings. Calling a biological mom out on her BS is not undermining her as a mother, as far as I’m concerned she undermined herself with the lies.
So all these crazy biological moms on this thread get over yourselves. If your kids have a positive role model in their lives be thankful for it. If they’re fortunate enough to have a stepmother that is going to love them and protect them as fiercely as if they were her own, be thankful for it. I would love to honestly say my kids mother has no impact on my life but she does. At the end of the day it matters to me if she thinks I do right by the kids. Praise is not necessary, but don’t undermine us either.
After reading this craziness, I am glad that I chose not to play any type of mothering role when it comes to my husband’s son. I have no desire at all to be this boy’s “Mom”. I don’t even consider myself to be a step mom. I treat this boy in the same manner as I do my nieces and nephews and that works out for us as I have no desire to play the motherly role. Being the primary breadwinner in my family, I’d like to add a number 8 to the list of things stepmoms think but never say (though I have informed my husband of this rule): 8. Don’t expect me to financially support your kid. If the kid needs something and neither you nor the baby’s daddy has the money, Too Bad!
Leslie, I wish more stepmoms felt the way you do. Too bad you didn’t marry my ex-husband. Most biological moms don’t want the new wife’s money (unfortunately, many do). Not me. You’re right. But in some states, like Illinois (I believe), the new wife’s income is considered when determining child support. So if a man marries a woman with a good job, she’ll be paying child support for his children from her paycheck. As women, we have to be better educated about the consequences of marriage, blended families, and divorce.
I get irritated when I read posts or articles that tell biological moms to “encourage and foster a good relationship between your kids and the stepmom.” There are decent stepmoms out there, but there are many who can’t have children of their own and feel entitled to take another woman’s children. And they feel that because the children live in their home, that somehow they have as much status as the biological mom. And they can’t get it in their tiny brains why this is an ignorant way of thinking. Many of these women will be celebrating fake mother’s day in a few days – making themselves feel good.
And to those who say that biological moms should be grateful that there is another woman in our childrens’ lives to love them, please! I think of women who were slaves, who had to give up their children to slave owners wives. The slave owner wives “loved” the children and took care of them, so you mean the slave mother should be grateful? What about the children who are kidnapped by people who “take care of them as if they are their own children?” Or, babies who are stolen and kidnapped in infancy by women who can’t have kids or lost their own? Should those moms be grateful that the children have more people in their lives to love them? Hell no. So stepmoms, stop it with all of the “I’m a mom to them” bull-sh–. All you are is a wife to our raggedy ex husbands. Know your role. And stay in your doggone lane.
Dear Jessa. No one can ever take a kid’s heart away from their mother. No one. Don’t be so insecure…
I would have a few things to say to the bio mom since I am in the role of stepmom. 1. Your jealousy does nothing for you. If you would like to get rid of that feeling, then get off your rear end and learn how to do something and grow up. 2. My family and my kids (who are not blood or in any other way related to you) are none of your business. If you want me to respect your privacy then you better be respecting mine. 3. Get off your butt and start taking care of your kids. Yes, this means putting down Facebook, Twitter and quit creating fake accounts to monitor my family. This could be time spent taking care of your own kids. 4. Yes, I’ve seen first hand what your parenting has produced. No, it isn’t good. 5. If you don’t like what you see and feel, then go to a therapist. 6. If you scream and yell at me and call me another foul name, I will become the witch that you will fear. I can see to it that your kids will see you for exactly what you are. 7. The fact that you never disciplined your kids explains alot. 8. Try to be courtesous and respectful in front of your own kids in public. You are embarrassing yourself and your kids when you act like an psycho. 9. No you will no longer control and manipulate your ex-husband in the name of your kids. I am here now, I will see to it that it doesn’t happen. Don’t believe me? Then test me. 10. You think you can make my life miserable? You have no idea how miserable I can make your life. Mind your own business, take care of your own kids and we’ll get along fine.
I am sure I am not the only stepmother out there that feels this exact same way. I personally do not observe the step parent relationship unless the bio parent is dead. Also, just because a person remarries does not mean that the new husband is now the stepdad of that person’s kids. I do not allow my husband to do one ounce of step parenting. I am their parent and they have a living father. So it’s best to keep accusations to oneself.
Looks like you’re a malignant narcissist. That is horribly unfortunate for your children.
Yes! From a man. Thank you.
I’m saying this as a thirteen year old girl with divorced parents and my dad with a new fiancé. Mums, we love you and we always will. Your our flesh and blood for Christs sake and we love you more than you think. However, it’s hard to ignore the fact that there is a new person in our life and its very hard to have to two completely different lives. Stop being so self obsessed. You are forgetting about the most important people…. Your kids! Der. Think about them, the thoughts and confusion that runs through our heads. Should I hug my dads girlfriend or not? Will my mum hate me for going shopping with my dads fiancé? What if my mum thinks I don’t love her anymore? When we need so help or love, it is likely you are the first person we think of, not our dads girlfriend/boyfriend/other.
Ellie, thank you for being a voice of reason!
As a mom in BOTH positions in this article (I have a step-child, and biological children who have a stepmother) I have to say that the “real mom” statements in this article are mostly petty, childish, and do nothing to foster getting along with the stepmother and successfully co-parenting children. Don’t discipline the children? You don’t have to show respect? Grow up… Your husband has moved on and has a new wife. Yes you DO have to show her respect – especially in front of your children. Yes, she should discipline your children and they should listen to her and respect her. Depending on the ages of the children bathing them absolutely IS appropriate – and honestly, if I child is young enough to still need assistance bathing, then a stepmother assisting them when needed is just fine. Stepparents shouldn’t be treated like second class citizens in their own homes. Nor should children be made to feel guilty for loving them, and treating them well. You will always be “mom” to your kids – the only way that stepmom would ever usurp that is if you stop acting like a mother. So that’s on you. Put your big girl panties on, suck it up, and do what is best for your children – which is everyone getting along and putting the children first.
My ex just remariried and what I hear constantly from the new wife is how she and my ex want a “nice, respectful and compassionate” relationship with no animosity! Here is what is so ironic – no sooner than the new wife says this and she and my exhusband completely change the parenting schedule for the month so that they can take go on weekend getaways! Step moms – you do have to earn respect of the bio mother and if you are that concerned about having a nice relationship, your words need to match your actions! Bio Mothers are very busy and they are not looking for you to waste their time. Understand that your husbands children are not show dogs where you get to take photos with them to post all over social media to show the world what a great “mom” you are but then when it comes to the real work of caring for the kids, you have no interest in doing the more important work behind the scenes. I can’t tell you how much I want to vomit when I read these articles around how stressful it is to be a step mom and how no one shows you any appreciation! Welcome to the real moms world! Trust me – having to sacrifice bunko night because you have to cook and help with homework is nothing like the nights I was up with a toddler who was constipated and up with a tummy ache all night resulting in two hours of sleep, having to stress about getting an appointment the next day with the Pediatrician and having to give a presentation at work off of little sleep – when in reality, you were with my husband when I was still married to him and you were out partying and having drinks at the bar the night I had to text the ex to let him know our child wasn’t feeling well.
Step moms – just be honest with the bio mom. If you are not interested in having a relationship wit the bio mom, just say it! The bio mom isn’t going to care and trust me, she has a lot more priorities on her plate then dreaming of the day the two of you are going to get a mani and a pedi!
Stepmoms do all these things. For kids not their own.
Do all what things? Have you even read the article, Gloria? Nothing you’re saying in your comments make no sense whatsoever.
Sharon I SO and 100% LOVE your comment!!! Thats one of the most mature comments I’ve read.
Actually, this is what I think but don’t say:
1. If there is a child (anyone’s child!) staying in my home, I am completely entitled to discipline them, bathe them (if they are little enough to need it!) and ask them for a kiss/cuddle (which they are entitled to say no to) whenever I like! This includes nieces, nephews and stepkids.
2. And why shouldn’t I babysit sometimes? Are you trying to say you NEVER leave your child with their stepfather or relatives or babysitters during “your” time? We will honour our commitments by taking them on the weekends and holidays we said we would and any other time you need us to because you are working etc., and sometimes at the last minute because you changed the plans at the last minute again, but my H2B is entitled to honour other commitments as well, and so long as your child is being supervised and cared for it’s absolutely NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
3. Furthermore, you don’t get to tell me that your custody agreement is not my business. If you expect me to structure my life around your custody agreement, I expect a say in how that is worked out. Just because you are used to pushing your ex around and making all the decisions doesn’t mean it has to continue. I’m not spending my whole life never booking anything for us as a couple or as a family with stepkids in advance again because you’ve got in the habit of calling all the shots at the last minute.
4. Also, how dare you tell another grown woman how to dress? I will dress how I like in my own home thank you very much, and if you think your children are going to be traumatised if they accidentally see too much boob then you need to reexamine your priorities. Same applies re drinking, if I want a glass of wine I’ll have one!
5. And no, as a stepmother, I have zero interest in the things you think I’m doing “wrong”. It’s our home, and our rules. Just like I think your mothering skills need serious polishing but I say nothing and just work on teaching your children basic manners and social skills when I have them, because you clearly forgot.
TL;DR: What happens in your ex husband’s home is not your business, he doesn’t get to decide how you raise them and your don’t get to decide how he raises them. We don’t require your advice or approval.
My ex just remarried a woman that he has been living with for 7 years. I have NEVER met her. I have requested to meet and am told by my ex that it is never going to happen. AM I THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE THAT HAS SUCH A SCENARIO???? Aside from stalking (which I would never do), I have tried everything. My son is now 13. I was wife number 2. So I was a stepmother to his two children for 10 years. I went out of my way to do the best for those children and biomom. I respected her role as their mother. So is there anyone else out there that has ever heard of such a thing?? Thank you.
Ugh, this article. The “real mom” section sounds like an insane person.
Wow, the bio mom part sounds so bitter and immature. In absolutely no way does sharing a home with your kids a few days a week/month make us your slaves. Grow up.
It’s the step Mom’s job to make sure her husband spends time with his step kids? It’s the bridge parent (the one that is attached to the step parent) that should be doing all the heavy lifting here, making sure EVERYONE is respected, but just popping a kid out your hoo-hoo doesn’t entitle you to jack squat if you’re a bad mother and a horrible person; you don’t OWN your kids.
My situation is a little different regarding we (my husband and I) have primary custody of the children. Their Bio-Mom is in and out of their lives. So yes they call me mom and treat me as such by their own wishes. They were 16 months and 3 when I came into their lives. No she doesn’t like it, but its not mine or her call… It’s their call! Kids have feelings and can love 2 mom or 2 dads all they want.
Is this joke?
Bio mom:
1) I’m actually horrified when people assume your children are mine… no thanks.
2) Yah, screw discipline …. no wonder these kids are the way they are
3) ummm I don’t care about earning your respect?
4) I would prefer not to touched by your children
5) I would prefer not to bathe your children
6) Try it, I dare you
7) Practice what you preach
8) Again, practice what you preach
9) For the love of ____ practice what you preach
10) The *giggles* pretty much explains why your divorced
Stepmom:
1) Yes, get over it
2) They are not amazing, they are kids and the title mom is reserved my own children who are amazing
3) I don’t really care
4) Your kids don’t really talk about you, and when they do it’s stuff you would probably rather they didn’t say ….. uh oh
5) Nope I am not trying and you say ‘mean’ things regardless
6) Please don’t speak to me or my husband, we don’t want to hear from you …..
7) I have many things I would rather be doing, please banish me
I’m happy I found that article it does give me so much deeper insight!
But however as a step mother
I am a full time step mother now that the mother has given up her child to spend her life doing what she wants to do! Therefore I am his mother now and she was the person that gave birth to him and did raise him for 11 months but I have now raised him for 4 years and 1 month.
So maybe next time you should be more specific about a step mom not being a real mother. Because I am the real mother now and his only mother because I am the only women to raise him and will be the other women to raise him for the rest of his life.
So yes maybe be more specific about what you mean when you say a step mom isn’t a real mom.
Maybe when you say regarding 50/50 custody situations, I can not speak of because I don’t know what that is like.
But as for full time step mothers we are real mothers now when the bio mom gave up being a mom and gave the title to us.
Bloody hell, you’re really nasty! You’d rather see her on a milk carton? What the hell is wrong with you? She’s a wife not a freaking psychopathic murderer… YOU on the other hand I’m not so sure about!
Lots of bitter, bitter ex-wives on this thread.
After cheating on their father for years with multiple men, my stepkids’ mother finally settled on one and left her kids when they were 3, 4 and 5 years old to go live with her boyfriend 1,000 miles away. She came to visit them every few months for a couple of weeks, when she would stay with her father and couldn’t even be trusted to keep them overnight because she would keep the school-age ones home from school as often as possible because she didn’t feel like getting out of bed early enough to take them to school. They would go to visit her at her new home in the summer, and would come back talking about all the things they had done with their stepfather because “Mommy sleeps a lot.”
She now lives nearby and we recently had to go to truancy court because she kept each of her kids home from school for a total of approximately 20 days each this year. She doesn’t feel like getting up early enough to take them to school.
Meanwhile, she does nothing but rant and rave about how mean I am to her kids because they are expected to follow rules at our house, such as being respectful to adults, cleaning their rooms, being honest, following instructions, making their beds, brushing their hair, performing light chores around the house and limiting electronics time. I’m mean because I insist that they go to school. I’m mean because I don’t put up with them talking back to me. I’m mean because I give them writing assignments or confiscate electronics as consequences for rule-breaking. I’m mean because, in truth, she no longer has any influence over my husband, and this irks her.
I do everything I can to make sure these kids have well-rounded lives and learn valuable lessons and life skills. All of this with the approval of their father, who is a very good father to them. In our house, I am the one constantly looking for activities and trips and fun things for us to do with the kids. I am the one worrying about whether they’re happy with their music lessons or karate lessons or baseball team. I’m the one making sure they look presentable when they leave the house in the morning and that they have performed basic hygienic tasks every day.
I refuse to be marginalized by a bitter, lazy, drug-addicted biomom who suffers from Golden Uterus Syndrome. I’m well-aware these aren’t my kids, and frankly, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to have anything to do with them, because their mother’s histrionics have created so much tension. But I married their father, and I will do whatever I need to do to support him and make sure his children are raised into adulthood with the right values, morals and life skills to prevent them from landing in jail.
For those singing the praises of the biomom and damning the stepmom… take your opinions and shove them. Not all biomoms are victims, and not all stepmoms are “trying to take over.” We’re doing what needs to be done, usually because you’re not doing it.
Sounds like you are just as bitter Kay. We all have different experiences. But I think we can all agree that there are bad biomoms and stepmoms, just as there are good biomoms and stepmoms. No need to get offended by it if it doesn’t apply to you.
HI there.. I am 57 years old and a bio mom…my ex and I split when the boys where small. I had them for 10 years, he rarely came to visit…no phone calls and we lived off of public assistance.. he gets his self straight and the boys move in with him. I have no problem except they moved 200 miles away. So I get busy in my own life, and call my kids when I can…but I am in another relationship and new baby takes up my time. So I was getting summer visits.. holidays…then all of a sudden the new step mom comes in..she has two kids of her own. Now the boys dont come to visit because dad has someone to watch them during the summer..(yes, she was the baby sitter)..she has taken over. She talked about me behind my back..she talked to my kids about me being a deadbeat mom…my mother in law was upset because the stepmom kept driving a wedge between us..real angry with her when she has my youngest calling her mom…even now he calls her mom….so this is a warning..some step moms will not take a second seat to your bioness…some will over step boundaries..and your ex will let her because it keeps the peace. ..I didn’t want to be a cry baby and create issues because I wanted peace in my kids new life…but now there are regrets..because they have become comfortable with pushing me aside..it has gotten worse after the grandchildren were born. So what I am saying..you go visit your kids.. you let her know where she stands…you let her know you are the mom…because if you dont…You will be oma in name only.
Absolutely 1000% agree with this entire comment. I found the original article patronizing and incorrect in almost the exact same ways you expressed in your response.
I just ran across this article. It is so one-sided and absolutely incorrect. I’m not sure what the credentials are for the author, but I can assure you these lists are completely dumbfounded.
Maybe you should have removed yourself from the “bio mom” perspective so much and empathized as much with the step-mom role. The fact that the author didn’t do that puts this article in place that perpetuates the struggle between bio-mom and step-mom.
Also, you’re entire list of bio-mom thoughts is purely subjective and has a over tone of a defensive nature. While the step-mom lists, which is a shorter list, is quite dumbed down and totally submissive.
As a stepmom, I do have rights to stand up for myself and will NOT be told how My husband and I run our household or our lives. We will not bend our structure to suit her needs. SS5 thrives in our home and what works for us will remain in tact.
Each and every co-parenting situation is different. So this shallow, subjective, unsupportive and poorly thought out article is worthless to say the least.
Please, in the future, before you decide to post something stating it’s what we are thinking but don’t say you might should do more research. Maybe talk to 50-100 women in these situations and get facts.
Except reality dictates that us stepmoms are raising the kids as well. I am with my stepkids the same amount of time as their mom. We have to deal with the same problems,pay for things,sacrifice time and other things for them. It’s unfortunate your marriage broke but sharing the parenting is reality. You can’t tell someone to just be a wife when they are literally raising your children 50% of their lives. This is our life and home. Respect should be mutual for the benefit of the kids. I never ever badmouth the mom to rhe kids. That is so sick. Unfortunately (even when I came into the picture far after she cheated and broke their marriage) she does badmouth and manipulate the kids to her advantage. Sad for her and the kids when i love them unconditionally and put my time into making their lives as good as possible. The article is terrible and narcissistic. Step parents are not nannies..they are parents.