When I was younger, sex was fun and relatively safe. Being exclusive wasn’t important to me but safe sex was. If anything happened, it only affected me.
Then I got married.
When my husband surprised me with a divorce it had been so many years since we'd had sex that I couldn’t remember. I do remember it was before they remodeled the Target store, is that weird? I had purchased a valentine gift, a last chance to revive our “love life” with a note that explained I was willing to try again. When he opened it I heard him utter under his breath that he didn’t want to.
Wow, I took a chance and when I heard his response I accepted my life for what it was. So I guess I grew into a responsible person, a person that believed in exclusivity, with or without sex as part of the equation. I knew his family was not a warm family, so I didn’t expect much. After we had children he was never affectionate with them so I was not really surprised when I heard his answer as he opened the gift.
I had felt alone for so long, so unattractive, so unwanted; why I was surprised by his eventual desire for a divorce, I don't know. I was even afraid to fantasize about someone actually wanting me. My self worth was gone, I felt so old and unattractive that I thought I would never have the chance to experience sex again.
Well the divorce ended of that fear.
After he moved out, and after awhile I signed up for dating sites online and filled my time meeting men for coffee. I treated the meetings like job interviews, at least I got out and I met some interesting men, some sad men and some with really interesting stories. The most amazing part was to talk with someone; I mean an actual conversation where you speak to someone and they actually answer back. It was sad that strangers were more interested in listening to what I had to say than my husband had been.
After awhile I met a nice guy. He was handsome and creative and we really seemed to hit it off. We met for many cups of coffee together and great conversation. The only thing I could think about was this great opportunity I had been given.
After so many years in an unaffectionate marriage, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with someone other than myself!
After all those coffee dates he finally invited me over to his house for dinner. I was a little afraid and really nervous at first but he seemed nice, so I got all of the strength I could gather and went. All through dinner I felt like my thighs were on fire. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, it had been too many years since I had even been on a date, but I was sure that I wasn’t going to leave without finding out. After a glass of wine, or two, I finally got up the courage to ask him if he would have sex with me. If he was shocked he didn’t let it show, he was such a gentleman.
My luck had changed and he said yes, it was lovely and it is lovely. Being with him makes me feel younger and attractive. I feel very empowered and much more like myself again, finally after all of those lonely years. So I threw caution to the wind to be exclusive, after years of nothing. At my age I am happy again and this is a good thing...as Martha Stewart would say.