Sex after divorce?
It may be on your mind. It may be on your mind all the time, now that you’re no longer quite so worried about your kids, your bills, how the job is going or the possibility of another legal action.
It may be on your mind even if you are still worried about those issues!
Time for a New Sex Partner?
Assuming that your family life is beginning to settle down even a little – the divorce is final, custody and visitation are running smoothly enough, finances are working themselves out – are you ready for sex? Are you feeling up to the task? Are you emotionally ready to take a risk?
Some of us want to get back in the game as quickly as possible. Maybe the ex had affairs and we need… something. Maybe it’s a renewed feeling of being valuable and desirable. Maybe we’re seeking affirmation that we’ve still “got it” or at the very least, we can still “do it.”
Maybe it’s been a few years since we’ve been intimate with anyone, courtesy of a sexless marriage. Maybe we’ve had such a limited number of partners – perhaps only one or two – that we want to explore. Now that we’re finally free, we want to profit from the freedom – sexually – and with the new sense of self we hope that will bring.
Sex with an Ex
As with everything else I’m offering for your consideration, this is a matter of my experience and my opinion.
Personally, I’m not a fan of ex sex. You know, sex with an ex-spouse, which can cause massive headaches (and heartaches) – not just for you, but potentially for your children.
So let’s say you set that idea aside, even if you have a good relationship with your ex, and you want to get yourself in a mindset for hooking up. Note – I’m not saying dating, I’m not talking about a romantic attachment, though sex can certainly be romantic under any circumstance.
I’m talking about sexual activity – dipping a toe into the water at first, or plunging in – and safely.
If you do happen to fall into bed with the ex, try to clear up where you are and why you did it. And don’t cause more confusion for your children who may think you’re getting back together!
How to Hook Up After Divorce – Safely
You’ll hear plenty of ways to hook up after divorce, and online meeting sites are certainly the most popular. It’s less worrisome in some ways than taking up a friend’s suggestion to go out on blind dates. So-and-so’s newly divorced brother-in-law. The ex of your son’s piano teacher.
Online is more or less no strings, right?
If you do go the route of an online venue be it a mainstream site like Match or some other, it’s easy to determine who’s looking for a fling versus a serious seeker of love or the next possible spouse. You can tell by the content of the profile, the nature of the photos posted, and any email exchange you may engage in.
Assuming you meet the person and he or she actually looks like what you expected (a major assumption, believe me), do you head off together to enjoy a little one-on-one time?
Not so fast!
Need Sex! Want Sex! Safety, Safety, Safety
So you’ve decided you’re ready for sex. Now what?
Whether you’re using a site explicitly targeted at facilitating sexual encounters or a mainstream site with members who are looking for “activity partners,” you still need to ensure your physical safety by:
- Checking the person out before you meet (at the very least, Google)
- Do not invite a stranger to your home, especially if you have children present
- Do not meet a stranger in a hotel, unless you’re not concerned about your safety
- Meet at a public location first, and be sure to tell someone where you’ll be and with whom
- Use condoms, and listen to your gut.
If anything feels “off,” it probably is. And remember – Even if you’re desirous of a little “erotic danger” in your sexual activities, if you’re a parent, do you really want to risk that your children may pay the price for your lack of precautions?
Sexting? Online Sex?
Thinking of trying your hand at a digital dalliance first?
You may not risk an STD, but you could risk other dramas if you’re not careful.
- As with an in-the-flesh encounter, are you sure you know who you’re dealing with?
- If he or she says they’re not married, can you verify?
- Do you tell yourself you don’t care, or do you think about how you’d feel if you were the spouse finding out about online indiscretions?
- If you’re sexting are you doing so sober?
- If you’re not, are you sure you know what you’re doing?
As for Big Brother, he may be watching, but hey… with millions engaged in online entertainment, I imagine the view is a bit banal by now. Just use a little common sense. Potential lapses can be embarrassing. Just ask Anthony Weiner.
Casual Relationship Sex
You might opt for casual relationships for awhile. You know what I mean – basically, Third Date Sex. Generally this is enough time to get a sense of who the person is, determine your level of mutual attraction, and enjoy some adult time together.
There are plenty of advantages to this “model” in my opinion. But do abide by your safety rules all the same, and consider the preparations that you need to feel comfortable once you’ve decided you’re ready for the first post-divorce sleepover.
One last note. Protect yourself and your children emotionally. If you are prone to confusing sex with lovemaking or growing emotionally attached if the sex is good, you might not want to indulge in casual sex under any circumstances. I also believe it’s unwise to bring a casual sex partner into your children’s lives and risk their emotional engagement.
In my opinion, your first forays back into the world of sex should be about enjoyment and discovery – feeling good, feeling free, partaking of pleasure, learning what you need now and what you have to give – now. This requires that you stay smart and be adult in your decisions, even if you feel like a budding adolescent all over again.
Related Links:
Single Dad Seeking Divorced Moms.
I was sad to see there were no other comments on your interesting post. And a bit intrigued by the idea of creating an account on DivorcedMoms inorder to comment. Oh well, obviously I got over the moment of hesitation. And I’ve been writing recently about a lot of the same things you bring up in your post. I’d like to take your categories one by one and respond, from my side of the aisle, as a man.
Sex with an Ex. Um, I hope you’re talking about ex-BFs and not the ex-husband. If you really want to get some confusing reverberations going in your mind and body, sleeping with your recently divorced partner would be just about the best/worst way to do it. But I’m gonna skip this one, for me, the ex-wife is off limits even for fantasy. There is no amount of … I don’t really need to qualify this.
Online Dating: Is not really dating. It’s only dating when you finally meet in-person. Everything else, all the lead-up is romantic BS, more like poetry than real-life. And I’m as guilty as anyone of fueling engagement before ever setting eyes on the actual person. Nobody can really live up to those expectations you created in your mind. Online dating is really for meeting in-person. The “online” part is filled with false projections, both intentional and accidental.
Sexting? Is that even a thing? Really? Flirting via text goes right up there with online dating. Same filters apply. Everything else is porn. And porn has it’s place. It’s safe, quick, and easy. And one odd point stands out in your post, “how you’d feel if you were the spouse finding out about online indiscretions.” I’m thinking this is mixed up. Because if you’re divorced, you don’t have a spouse. And if you’re talking about sexting with a married man, you’ve got a whole additional layer of baggage that goes beyond the scope of your post. So let’s say Sexting = BS, behave accordingly. Porn = Have Fun, but it doesn’t really get us closer to sex, does it?
Casual Relationship Sex – Or “Third Date Sex.”
Well, I don’t know about those milestones, but I do know the first time a woman wanted to spend the night at my house it was a bit a mind-warp. And it ended up being a three-month relationship. But I wasn’t ready for the sleepover for a while. And as far as third-date and IN, I’m not a big fan. I like the idea, occasionally, but I think way too much spiritual and emotional stuff gets stirred up for me to have “casual” sex with someone I’ve met within the week. And sure, first date sex sounds about as appealing as getting drunk and explaining why you did it, as in NOT.
We’re adults now. Sex is serious. If it’s not, and you run closer to Miranda from Sex in the City, the safety rules definately apply. But I’d suggest you deal with the hunger and drive towards sex first, and wait until you meet a man who has some potential as a partner before rushing into bed.
That’s just me, of course, but I think we all need to be talking about sex more openly. It’s still hard to talk about, so thank you for providing the dialogue.
The Off Parent
http://theoffparent.com
Samantha from Sex in the City, sorry.
Hey Single Dad,
First of all, single dads make great dates for single moms (IMO). They generally “get it” – crazy pace of our lives, because they’re living their own version.
As for the varieties of back-into-the-pool encounters I’ve experienced and read about? Yes, they’re real enough. (For women and men, I believe.)
The experience varies for individuals, clearly, and I suspect it varies tremendously based on a woman’s age (especially), not to mention what her intimate life was like in her marriage. She may want to explore a little more if the marriage lacked intimacy, and we all need to get to know ourselves in a variety of new ways as we’re newly single – 3 months after the fact or 3 years.
And I couldn’t agree more that we need to talk more openly about sex, whatever our marital status!
So glad you stopped by. I hope you will again. (I popped over to TheOffParent, by the way. Very nice.)
Cheers,
D. A.
Ummm, sex after divorce. While I am not yet divorced, my husband of 34 years walked out of our marriage and me only 18 months ago. I have dated since 1979, and tried many online dating sites as well, but cannot stand the types of mes around my age of 57 years on these sites: not up to par, liars, disrespectful to me and women in general, look beat up and beat down, and boring too.
As for my thinking about sex at some point, yes, I love sex, but menopause has also squashed much of my desire, plus lack of trusting again. I have heard that sex after divorce, just sex can be just what the doctor ordered. I watch the new TV show “Girl Freinds Guide To Divorce” with Lisa Edelstein, and find it amusing and hopeful, that one day, maybe in two or three years, once my divorce is final, I can feel comforable about being close enough to someone again, after being hurt so badly by my husband who left.
I have been warned by many of my friends and even relatives for me to be careful too, because there are predators out their who will use, abuse and toss you out, leaving you feeling like a rag. Trust is something I treasure the most, companionship building and if the person is right, the intimacy will follow if it’s meant to be. Realizing now that I was really only a “roommate with benefits” to my husband who left, a narcissist to boot, makes me wonder if I can really meet someone that is right for me, because I will not settle for anything less for me, because I do deserve the best.