Is it possible to work things out and get back together?
I'm a thinker, and I over-analyze quite often. It can be a blessing and a curse. And when my mind wanders, I write.
My life and my family dynamic changed drastically this past year. I certainly do my best not to dwell on the past, but I often reflect and question the decisions and actions of my ex and me during our 12-year relationship.
I can't say I know anyone who has done it successfully, so I have wondered and pondered the idea - Once you get a divorce, is it possible to work things out and then get back together, maintain a healthy relationship AND stay together?
Divorce hurts like hell and there are so many emotions involved, guilt, anger, sadness, resentment, confusion, fear, worry, etc. A kaleidoscope of continuous feelings.
Divorce is a decision not to be taken lightly; it is life altering for all involved. During that time both parties may have tried everything possible to make it work and are ready to throw in the towel. Other situations may be one-sided where one wants a divorce more than the other. Either way, it is an important decision that impacts the rest of your life and those around you, especially if you have children.
I've always been told that if it didn't work the first time then it sure as hell won't work the second time around, and the same issues will always be there. But is that true? Can two people work out their differences and rekindle a relationship after the death of their marriage?
When we look at the reasons behind a divorce, some of these issues are present:
- General Indignities/Irreconcilable Differences
- Domestic Abuse
- Substance Abuse and Alcohol
Usually when I hear someone talk about their ex, they express their disdain. There is usually hatred and disgust, and annoyance. Most of the time I hear of the regret and the wonder of how in the world they fell in love and got married in the first place. Some people just aren't compatible and should have never gotten married, I get that.
I know I am not the only one out there, I do not hate my ex and I do not regret getting married. He and I carried a lot of resentment and anger towards one another for a very long time. And at one point I confused that resentment for hatred, but I do not hate him, not one bit.
My ex and I are two different people. We met young and although compatible in many ways we grew apart over time. I regret my actions and how I hurt him and he is also sorry for how he hurt me. There are two sides to our story; I take responsibility for my part, and he for his. We've discussed those things and understand the underlying issues. There is regret on both sides, but we can't change what happened. We have forgiven, learned from it and both are moving forward.
I am in no way trying to backpeddle or live in the past, but I think anyone who has gone through a divorce has pondered this question at least one point in time: Is it possible to move from past mistakes and start a new life...together again? And is it a even good idea?
Let's look at the some pros of getting back together:
- You're a family unit once again. The kids have their parents back together.
- You could potentially have a stronger bond since you have acknowledged and understand the breakdown of how things dissolved in the first place.
- You have gained a better appreciation for one another (perhaps the grass isn't always greener?).
- You are better prepared and more accepting to work on underlying issues if they are still present (marriage counseling, open communication, etc.).
Ok, what about the possible cons:
- The same behaviors and issues will still be present. Old habits die hard.
- Getting back together will harm you or your children (especially if the divorce was due to domestic violence).
- You are getting back together for the wrong reasons (only doing it for the kids, convenience, security, etc.).
- It doesn't work out, and you go through it all...again.
Please share your stories! IS it possible AND is it a good idea? What are your thoughts?
More from DivorcedMoms
Navigating The Emotional Stages Of Divorce
How To Deal With Conflicting Emotions During And After Divorce
Echoes Of The Way We Were: Post Divorce Triggers
Thinking About Divorce? How Will That Be Handled In Your State?