Sometimes we screw up, but we have to find happiness and strength within to get back up again.
If someone had walked up to me and told me a year ago I would be a 30-year-old single mom with two kids, I would have looked at them like they were bat shit crazy.
A year ago, I was THAT mom…the one who seemed to have it all together, who had it all in some ways: two beautiful boys, a nice home, a good man and father to our kids. I cooked the meals and coordinated professional family photos, planned vacations, sent out Christmas cards, etc. I had a rigid schedule but made time to run and managed to be in decent physical shape.
But something was missing. In my marriage, I felt alone. Why wasn’t I happy?
I met my ex when I was seventeen. He was four years older than me and I was smitten. He had a job, a truck, and a house. He had it all together. We got along great so dating him while I was in college seemed like the right thing to do. And of course, after college the next step was marriage, right?
He was a hard worker and provided stability throughout the marriage. We had two beautiful boys and all seemed well or, was it?
After having our second child, I started to feel different. I hated the person I was, and the wife and mother I had become. I did not feel good enough and I felt incredibly alone. I was unhappy.
I strived to be perfect and wanted validation from my husband and always seemed to end up disappointed. We only communicated when it came to daily tasks and the kids. Date nights disappeared and communication was lacking. I felt my husband did not want to spend time with me. That alone feeling turned into resentment and I grew to hate the man I married. And then my life started to change before my eyes and it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
He will remain nameless. We talked every single day about our ho-hum lives, kiddos and sleep deprivation, running, peanut butter/dark chocolate goodness, etc. He was quirky, but I was too and we clicked instantly as friends. Never did we discuss problems in our marriages. We just jived well and I always enjoyed talking to him. I could be my goofy self with him.
He thought my tattoos were cool when my husband did not, we shared an appreciation for swear words, his sweet tooth was just as terrible as mine and we shared a Starbucks addiction. One day, I looked at him in a different light and realized that I loved him as more than a friend. He knew more about me than anyone, made me feel beautiful, embraced my quirkiness…I knew at that moment he was the love of my life and my heart belonged to him. There was a problem: He was married and so was I.
Our innocent conversations turned into professing our love to one another. Apparently he had felt that way our entire friendship and I was oblivious the entire time. That led to future conversations about marriage, where we would live, custody arrangements, etc. We loved each other and knew we could no longer live without one another.
Did this man have an impact on my decision to divorce my husband? Yes. Was it the only reason? No. But knowing I had found the “love of my life” made the decision to divorce my companion and husband of 12 years much more bearable.
So, I did it. All of the resentment and insecurities I had bottled up over time were released and I filed for divorce. At that point I went through the motions, I did what I thought made sense and what I had to do.
There was no drama, and the divorce was clean. In less than two months, I went from having the “perfect” family and “having it all”, to becoming a single mom. But I had it all figured out. I was finally going to be happy, or so I thought.
I was now divorced, but he was not. We continued to talk about our plans and how happy we were going to be. And then one day that all changed. He told me although he would always love me, he could not follow through with our plan for the sake of his kids. And just like that, my plans to spend the rest of my life with the man I loved and my best friend were crushed.
I write all of this not for pity. Am I heartbroken? Yep. Was I naive? Hell yes. But I am not a victim.
I made some errors in judgment and take responsibility for my actions. I share all of this to say I am not perfect, no one is. We all make mistakes, but we still deserve happiness. It took going through a divorce and being left broken hearted to begin to truly learn who I am as my own person and what I really want, the one thing I never gave myself the opportunity to do while I was in a relationship all of those years.
I was knocked down by a ton of bricks when he decided not to divorce his wife and it has been a true test to get back up again and climb out of the abyss. It is not easy, but I am learning to appreciate life from a different perspective. I am more humble, I am more patient, I am more forgiving.
I am learning to love myself and I am becoming a better mother because of it. I am now 30 and a single mom of two awesome kids. Am I lonely? Yes. But that is ok. I have learned so much about myself over the last 12 months I now know I deserve happiness and will not settle for anything less.
More from DivorcedMoms
You deserve to be alone till eternally for ruinig your marriage.
And also ruining the lives of two innocent kids in the process.
Love the courage it takes to make mistakes in life and get back up and keep going. That’s what makes us better humans.
No, recognizing what is right from what is wrong, and willfully choosing that which is right, is what makes us better human beings.
I had almost the same situation and made the same choice, except my man neer married his kids’ mother and was separated from her. I moved a very long distance to be with him. We are committed but we aren’t living together and he isn’t sure about the institution of marriage. I took my son from his dad, noncommittal though he was. I live iwth that guilt every day. And I live in ambiguity. Like you, I have found myself and made peace with my decision, but if I could rewind, I would have stuck it out. I guess I hate living with insecurity. Best of luck to you!
I am sorry you went through a similar situation. We are all human and make mistakes. I wish you the best of luck as well!
Good, you deserve it!
Agreed. Men are injured by infidelity every bit as much as women.
Karma!
You were a ‘side’ chick….nothing more. By leaving his wife, he had nothing to gain and everything to lose….especially if he was the provider. What would he have to gain by leaving his wife when he already accomplished his goal? Men are capable of wearing their emotions on their sleeves as they are taught by society that they must be ‘hard’ to be men. Why do you think that your divorce was ‘clean’? I’d be willing to bet that your husband felt as though you did him a favor. You say that you were on a quest for happiness, but are you happier now than you were when you were married?
Thank you for your response! You may be right, who knows. I can only speak for my feelings and my actions. The divorce was ‘clean’ in the sense there was no mud slinging. Again, I can’t speak for my ex and what he felt or thought at the time. Happiness comes from within and I have learned a lot about that in the past 12 months. So, I guess you can say I am a happier person. I still have hard days, but don’t we all? I hope I answered your questions. Have a great day!
How can you say you think her husband felt as if she did him a favor? I don’t think there were even enough details that would imply that. Also, regarding her quest for happiness.. Happiness can take a while if you’ve been through a lot of hardships, regardless of who/why those hardships came about. I don’t think it is dependent upon whether or not a relationship came from the whole ordeal.
Sorry but I can’t ever justify stepping into someone else’s marriage. It is so wrong, selfish and hurtful. If your marriages are so boring, awful and unfulfilling that you can’t tak it anymore, do the hororable thing and END it. Stepping into someone else’s marriage is so terrible and I guarantee you, it’ll happen to you again. And you will deserve it.
Lizzy, thank you for the response! Cheating is not something I’m proud of. In fact, I’m ashamed and sorry each day I hurt those around me. The point of the article was to share I did make awful mistakes but it has helped me gain self awareness and happiness along the way as I hope you gathered. I’m sorry to hear you feel that way. I certainly hope the next mistake you ever make you’re not continuously punished for it and have someone repeatedly tell you that ‘it’ll happen again’ or you ‘deserve it’. I hope you have a wonderful day!
I agree with you, Lizzy, and would add that I do not understand the entire ‘marriage is hard work and mundane and you learn to sacrifice’ meme that many use to justify being unhappily married. And then divorce. And then keep on looking for Mr. Right. And you deserve it.
“Enough already!” I want to shout.
Why can’t we focus on being our best selves and embrace that marriage is not the cure all for happiness. It’s an outdated civil contract that was created hundreds of years ago for the protection of property and assets when ‘the man’ would travel and leave his goods behind unprotected. The romance part emerged in the West and it’s been muddled ever since with church vs. state, romance and monogamy (which isn’t something humans do well) and the multi-billion dollar divorce business.
Take marriage out of the picture and focus on human behavior and why we do what we do. Own that.
Somethings are easier said than done. Unless you’ve been in that situation, it’s hard to say who’s right or wrong. There are women who are well experience with different men to know what signs to look out for while there are women with little experience and are prey to men like this man. They say it takes two to tangle so I can’t see that it was completely her fault. I think it’s unfair to say it’ll happen to her and she deserve it when we don’t know the whole story. I completely agree what she did was wrong, selfish, and hurtful but I don’t think she entered into this forbidden love with the intention of hurting anybody either. I don’t know. That’s just my opinion.
Somethings are easier said than done. Unless you’ve been in that situation, it’s hard to say who’s right or wrong. There are women who are well experience with different men to know what signs to look out for while there are women with little experience and are prey to men like this man. They say it takes two to tangle so I can’t see that it was completely her fault. I think it’s unfair to say it’ll happen to her and she deserve it when we don’t know the whole story. I completely agree what she did was wrong, selfish, and hurtful but I don’t think she entered into this forbidden love with the intention of hurting anybody either. I don’t know. That’s just my opinion.
Somethings are easier said than done. Unless you’ve been in that situation, it’s hard to say who’s right or wrong. There are women who are well experience with different men to know what signs to look out for while there are women with little experience and are prey to men like this man. They say it takes two to tangle so I can’t see that it was completely her fault. I think it’s unfair to say it’ll happen to her and she deserve it when we don’t know the whole story. I completely agree what she did was wrong, selfish, and hurtful but I don’t think she entered into this forbidden love with the intention of hurting anybody either. I don’t know. That’s just my opinion.
Somethings are easier said than done. Unless you’ve been in that situation, it’s hard to say who’s right or wrong. There are women who are well experience with different men to know what signs to look out for while there are women with little experience and are prey to men like this man. They say it takes two to tangle so I can’t see that it was completely her fault. I think it’s unfair to say it’ll happen to her and she deserve it when we don’t know the whole story. I completely agree what she did was wrong, selfish, and hurtful but I don’t think she entered into this forbidden love with the intention of hurting anybody either. I don’t know. That’s just my opinion.
Denise, As for “it’ll happen to you again. And you will deserve it.” what you base this on?
Answer: She bases it on people like YOU, who cuckolded their husbands and got burnt badly by Karma. Take a good look in the mirror.
Black and white? How about yes and no? You have to say “yes” to an affair for it to happen in the first place. I HAVE experienced such emotion as you described, and I STILL said no, and instead ended the relationship with my SO rather than lower myself to cheat. I don’t care what mitigating factors were going on in your life, you still said yes to your affair, and have absolutely no one to blame for your actions but yourself.
You obviously see life in black and white…and I would guess are probably religious. I was exactly like you before it happened to me and it is not so easy to judge when emotions are so strong and you are fighting it and losing. I guarantee you have not experienced such emotion as this yourself otherwise you would not be so judgmental. Yes, it is wrong to be with another man’s wife…
As for “it’ll happen to you again. And you will deserve it.” what you base this on?
Lizzy, no one wanted to be in this type of situation. I assure you on that. But as a woman, I sympathize with the writer, due to I’m in the same boat as her right now. Did I want this to happen? No. But love is blind and even as a 40 y.o. woman, I should’ve known better, but I fell in love and I know my love is real.
I hope this won’t ever happen to you, but you’re a cruel person, by wishing and saying horrible things “it’ll happen to you again. And you will deserve it”. I wish not this to anyone…but until you walk in that shoes, you don’t know the true meaning of love, cheat, deceived, broken heart without anyone to turn to (bcos it’s a forbidden love) and be tough about it.
Lisa, Lizzie passed away recently so, since she isn’t here to defend herself, I’m going to do that for her. First off a personal opinion, if you had truly not wanted it to happen, it wouldn’t have happened. From the beginning you had the power to choose differently, you chose for it to happen, you didn’t just fall into the situation. As for Lizzy, no one was less cruel that she. And few were as insightful when it came to relationships as she was. Lizzie lived with the fact that she had a terminal illness for over 4 years but, that didn’t keep her from reaching out and loving anyone who needed that from her. It didn’t keep her from writing constantly to help other women find their way nor did it keep her from leaving a cheating husband and finding happiness again. For you to insinuate that Lizzy was deficient in any way is so far off base that it is comical. Lizzy lived with the knowledge that she was going to die and it NEVER once stopped her from loving, dealing with heartbreak in an ethical way that kept her from ever being without support from people who respected the highly moral way she chose to live her life. You, Lisa, could learn a lot from Lizzie about making the right choices, being an exemplary human being AND facing the biggest heartbreak a person case face…their own death. Until you’ve walked in the shoes Lizzie walked in, you’re in no place to pass judgment on her.
Your story is the reason that I personally will not tolerate my husband to have any opposite sex relationships. He has had exes who have tried to fish when there own relationships have become stagnant. He has had coworkers who have done the same.
Marriage is not easy, it can be downright mundane at times, and it takes to people to want to make it work. It sounds like your affair partner decided to do that.
I have been through one divorce (no infidelity) and saw how it affected my children. In my current marriage we work at making sure our marriage works for the sake of the children we have together. His ex had an affair and kicked him to the curb. He is a great guy, and we have a great marriage. He is actually happy now. His ex is still single after more then a decade.
Hi Lauren! I’m glad your second marriage is going great! We all hope to have that second chance at love after a divorce.
Lauren, I respect you and agree 100% Both my wife and I will not tolerate this “opposite sex friendships and coffee to catch up, etc.” It is disrespectful and opens cans of worms.. I wish the other women on this forum were like you.
I enjoyed reading your article. care to talk outside of this forum and share stories? I’m in a similar situation with my happiness..
this is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!
I also left a marriage with 2 kids and divorced but my second husband left too, He had no kids. Although his other marriage was hell (and maybe BECAUSE it was) he said he didn’t know if he could have done it with kids. Strangely enough the worse the marriage the more the man may want to stay to protect them.
My advice to any woan in this situation? Make him go first.
@Ellen Dunthorne, so you seem condone cheating and appear to not consider adultery/cheating abominable and reprehensible? What happenned to “For better, for worse; until death do us part?” It means WORK on your marriage! If you married your high school sweet heart, the job of working on your marriage becomes even easier unlike when you married a total stranger. Worse, second marriages have a 75% chance of failing so sticking to and improving on the troubled areas of first marriage is always a better option.
I posted my comment before I read the other comments.
Let’s be honest – a lot of us married our high school or college boyfriends when our hormones were raging and we didn’t know better. Then in later years we realized we both had become other people. Unfortuately by that time we had children.
So most of the people we know are sticking it out. But a lot of people still think there is another person – someone else that exists that is our perfect choice. Steve Jobs said “If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know it when you find it.”
Warren Beatty dated every woman in Hollywood until Annette Bening Bing!. Jerry Seinfeld had a succession of college-age girlfriends until he met his now-wife Jessica who had just returned from a 3 week honeymoon with her first husband. And we all know about Brad Pitt and Angelena Jolie.
Yes, men can meet (or in my case) know a woman for 12 years and fall hard for them. They can decide that woman is the only thing that matters in their life. In my case my second husband asked me to marry him even though we were both married and I had 2 children. It is over 40 years and he still feels the same way.
Don’t give up. Be true to yourself, keep going, and someone some day will realize you are perfect for him. It will happen when you least expect it.
Nice Story Ellen, any thoughts about the man you hurt, your 1st husband, for your own selfishness. The shoe would have been in the other foot if your 2nd husband did not follow through like many commentators and the author! It is still not over….What if he leaves you now after 40 years for a younger firmer thing than you? Please make sure you be as graceful and happy for them and you are for yourself and your 1st husband….
Well hello, Stu! It makes me sad you feel the need to troll and leave negative comments toward others you do not know. I truly feel for you and hope you can eventually find happiness within yourself. I hope you have a wonderful day and God Bless!!
Well Hello Kasey, welcome back, it is a privelge to conect directly with the foolish author! I now enough about you and the commentators to say what I have said! I stand by those comments. You should know more about me then: I am very happy, very faithful, have a wonderful wife to whom I shower tons of affection on and vice-versa. We both know the meaning of marriage and fidelity and mutual respect! God bless you too, in my case, I am so blessed not to have dated nor married a woman like YOU!
If you continue to troll, please be sure to check your spelling and grammar first. You are entitled to your opinion. I’m confused as to why you are trolling a divorced site if you are a faithful and happily married man? I feel blessed as well to not have dated or married a condescending and disrespectful man such as yourself!
So sad and pathetic, you cannot defend your selfish (and karmic payback) actions so you attack my grammar instead? Well, okay, if it makes you feel better, go for it. I made some mistakes in grammar since I typed too fast; sorry I admit it, so sue me!
As for this site, I saw your article on an internet search I did and I commented; that is the beauty of the internet, you find many things you are not aiming for. I am condescending and disrespectful to people who deserve it.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL if your husband did this to you in the 6th year of marriage to be with his lover? Put yourself in HIS SHOES!
I’m not attacking you. Again, you are entitled to your own opinion. 6th year of marriage? I don’t recall putting that in the article.
Kasey, you are right. God will not approve what I said and how I judged. I ask your forgiveness and those of the others too. It just touched a nerve in me, as I would not want my family broken like this. Hope you can understand. I am sorry; please forgive my harsh words and judgments. God bless you all and thanks Kasey 🙂
Kasey, you are right. God will not approve what I said and how I judged. I ask your forgiveness and those of the others too. It just touched a nerve in me, as I would not want my family broken like this. Hope you can understand. I am sorry; please forgive my harsh words and judgments. God bless you all and thanks Kasey 🙂
It aint over sister. He did it once, he can do it again, to you this time 🙂
As I read Kasey’s article, I could not stop from crying, even though it has been 7 years since the same happened to me. I was in a blah marriage and blah life and someone came into my life and swept me off my feet and made me feel loved and special. My husband found out, and we ended up divorced, but my lover continued his life with his wife…
I still feel terrible with what happened, that I betrayed my husband and I am not sure my daughter, who was 16 at the time, will ever forgive me, as she got to see her father devastated.
Bottom line you are a ______ and you deserve it. Spare me the “don;t judge me me” spheel, you deserve judgment!
Kasey, did you get my note of apology? I am sorry for judging you harshly. God bless you. Did you delete the previous threads?
I deleted your previous comments. I am the managing editor of DivorcedMoms.com. I delete all comments that I feel are demeaning and insulting. There is a way to express an opinion without resorting to that.
Okay, as I said, I was sorry if I offended anyone, it was not my intent. Can you put back the comment of apology I gave Kasey (before the one above) please? I just had a moment, sorry. Can you put that comment for her please?
Cathy, you must admit that the people who say “sorry” are few and far between? At least give me that.
I didn’t delete an apology comment.
I didn’t delete an apology comment.
I didn’t delete an apology comment.
I didn’t delete an apology comment.
I didn’t delete an apology comment.
I didn’t delete an apology comment.
Cathy, okay, Kasey has accepted. Can you please delete your comment and my responses above?
Apology accepted, Stu, thank you.
No one “deserves” happiness. You must earn it for yourself. Rather than talking things out, deeply and openly with their respective partners, so many people just jump ship when they feel that they can’t deal with their issues in a relationship. It makes me even more secure in my decision to never get married. I don’t see any point to it when people are as selfish as the OP.
What is the meaning of all these rubbish you have written? An explanation or a reason? Cheating is the greatest disrespect and betrayal of one spouse by the other spouse! There is NOT one acceptable ‘reason’ or ‘explanation’ to cheat in marriage and rationalize such a demeaning act. Cheating is a moral crime of unimaginable proportions which indignifies the perpetrator and afflicts entire families for decades on end. How would you, as a mother, even explain your actions to your children when they become adults let alone your son(s)-in-law and daughter(s)-in-law? Could you summon the courage to inform them that you cheated with another man because their father, your ex-husband, was not meeting your needs and, in the heat of the moment, you had sex with another man, immediately divorced your husband (your children’s father) only for the man whom you cheated with, to suddenly and unexpectedly dump you? Meanwhile, why do wives almost always ‘blame’ their husband for their (wive’s) adultery? By the way, prior to taking off your clothes including underwear before plunging into actual sex act, there was ample time to THINK about whether what you were about to embark on, was reasonable and responsible; this is what should be done BEFORE rather than after completion of an adulterous liaison. Any spouse who cheats on another bears full responsibility for the action and act, no shifting of blames whatsoever. You will remain a CHEATER of the lowest degree in the estimation of right thinking members of the public!