When I descended from my mountain meditation I was at peace with how I was dealing with the absence of Mr. Jackpot. I felt like I was being true to myself. That I was honoring what was right for me, and in turn it would support what Mr. Jackpot needed, because it’s all connected, right? We’re all players in the vignettes that make up each others’ lives.
On the way home, at about the exact spot where I got all shimmery from telling The Genius that I needed to go to Yachats, I got a message from Ease Me. She’d barely been in residence for a half hour and she was already taking charge, making plans, and nagging me. I can tell she is rather feisty (excited to finally get started?), in a totally blissed out kind of way.
“What? You want me to do what?”
“Forgive him.”
“Don’t you think it’s a little soon for that? Aren’t I supposed to do that on his death bed so he can leave the Earth feeling a tad better about himself, and I can bank some karma points? Like, in about 50 years?”
“Forgive him.”
“You’re crazy. But I mean that in the gentlest way possible.”
“Forgive him.”
Darn it. She said it three times. It was going to happen. I was going to forgive The Genius.
I’ll give you a moment to gather yourself, I had to.
I thought, It’s not possible. How can I forgive him for what he’s done when he feels that he was justified in his behavior? That it was because of me that he had to have an affair? How can I let him off the hook? Why do I have to get betrayed AND be the one who has to forgive? Why am I doing all the work?
“Because this is about you and not him.”
It’s about me. It’s about working through the betrayal and taking this process all the way to the only possible conclusion: forgiveness. I want to be free of this. The only way to be free is to forgive. Ease Me was spot on. Getting from fighting forgiveness to knowing I had to forgive him was like crossing a crevasse in the Khumbu Ice Fall on Mt. Everest. It only took seconds but it required every ounce of courage I could muster.
Holy arachnid, I am going to forgive The Genius.
A full body smile, one that emanated from my entire being, right down to my flipper feet, overtook me. I felt so full of it. The smile, that is. It was genuine and rich and big. And it made me feel so very good. Then I got butterflies. They felt good, too. For the first time in months I felt excited about speaking to The Genius.
But first I had to be sure that I was truly ready and willing to fully forgive him and not just responding to Ease Me’s request out of a desire to please. That evening I meditated on forgiveness. I poked around in my heart to see how I felt about The Genius. I conjured up an image of him, something I never proactively did, and spent time studying it. I looked in his eyes and saw a man. A person. With faults and fears, and hopes and dreams, and confusion about his journey. A person who made choices and mistakes. Just like me. A person who hurt me deeply, but not as deeply as he hurt himself. As I looked at him, I realized that he was going to be dealing with the fallout of his betrayal for a long time. It would wrap both its arms around his neck and hang on securely for the duration, because it no longer had to hold on to me, too. I was about to gracefully and bravely make my exit from this vignette and leave The Genius to star in it alone. I was ready to forgive him.
I didn’t have to convince myself that I wasn’t condoning his behavior by forgiving him. I knew it and believed it. I wasn’t letting him off any hook. I didn’t even have the power to do that. I fully grasped that this was about me. Not about teaching him a lesson, or being the bigger person, or doing something to improve how we related to each other. Forgiving him was not about setting an example, or making a statement.
Forgiving The Genius is about loving myself. It’s about being kind to myself. I trust that by forgiving him I will be free of my sadness, anger, and fears. How could I pass up that opportunity? I texted him that night.
“I have something I want to share with you. Can we speak in the morning after I drop the boys off?”
“Yes.”
I woke up like it was the first day of freshman year in high school and my outfit was going to rock. I was ready to dress and greet the world with my arms flung out to the sides and my heart beating visibly in my chest. My eyes twinkled. The boys noticed.
“Mom, you look so pretty today.”
I couldn’t even tell you the last time I had showered, I had not yet brushed my teeth, and the Little Dipper of the Adult Acne World was forming on my left cheek from resting my hand against it as I pondered word after word, writing at my keyboard for hours on end.
Note to self: Must figure out a way to bottle high from deciding to forgive and sell it at Sephora.
I dropped the boys off at school and drove home with a core full of love and joy. And the world’s most jacked-up butterflies. My toes tingled, my head was buzzy, and my smile was bleeding off my face. I had to ground myself. I needed to calm down and center. I sat in the garden for five minutes and let my heart talk about why this move was important. And so very necessary. I heard myself say the words, I forgive you and let myself experience how they felt coming from my mouth.
They felt smooth, and warm, and genuine. They came right from my heart. Not my mind.
I was ready.
I called his number. It went to voice mail.
Uggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
When you are ready to do something like this you are ready TO DO IT. I wanted at that conversation. I couldn’t wait another second. My insides felt like a storm crammed in a tea cup. My hands shook as I texted him.
“Are you free to talk?”
“In 5.”
Those better be minutes. Seconds, preferably. I closed my eyes and tried to breath. What I am about to do feels so right. So relax, Cleo. If it wasn’t right you wouldn’t be so flat out excited to do it. You’d be vacillating. You’d know that your intent wasn’t pure. But it is. So settle down and be in it. Get out of your head, ground in your core, and be very present for this call. The transformation is going to be epic. Don’t miss a second of it.
“Hi.”
“Hey.” I detected a little nervousness on his end. It had no affect on me.
“I have something I want to share with you.” I paused, breathed deeply through my nose and said, “I forgive you. For betraying me, for lying to me, (right about here I started to choke up) for cheating on me.”
There was silence and then he shuddered. He was expecting that like he was expecting me to tell him that we won the Mega Millions lottery, and I wanted to build a chateau with a wing just for him and The Happy Dance Chick, so we could all live together in one big polygamist pigpen.
“Thank you.” He said it like I had just punched him in the stomach.
“That took a lot of courage. Thank you.”
I remained silent except for the air that was being sucked into my chest in small heaves. He cried.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be.”
I left that statement in mid-air, unwilling to touch it, or bat it back. It had nothing to do with me, it wasn’t said for my benefit, and this was what forgiveness was all about – knowing when to engage because it involves me and knowing when to remain still because it doesn’t. Gaining insight. Developing discernment. Being open to receiving these gifts because they now have an uncluttered place in which to take up residence.
I was so full of love and peace and gratitude that I heard only bits and pieces of the balance of the conversation. Something about rebuilding our relationship, how we came together with such force, the boys…none of it mattered to me at that point. I simply wanted to celebrate the power of forgiveness. I wanted to luxuriate in the feeling of being free.
I looked over my shoulder as I walked away from pain, from dishonesty, from this time in my life. I gently said goodbye to The Genius. He thanked me for the fourth time. I put the phone down and cried. Tears of joy. Tears from being so proud of me. Then I took stock. How did it make me feel to forgive him?
It made me feel whole. Uncomplicated and whole.
Which was a good thing because life was still going to be complicated. Especially after I logged in to HGM and saw that Mr. Jackpot had commented for the first time.
Things are about to get spicy.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Welcome to the Euphoric World of forgiveness.
When you feel yourself taking a dip into the insanity pool, remember how it felt to forgive him and give all of the lies and cheating right back to him. You will conquer this and this mountain you’re climbing..
Live, laugh and love life.
Heidi
xox
H,
It’s a beautiful place. So grateful to be here. I handed off the baggage. Even my stomach feels flatter.
I’m in Euphoria.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Congratulations for your insightfulness, your ability to open up and listen to your soul and for bursting through the barriers and following what puts your heart at ease. I have received so many refelective gifts from you to ponder that I need to sort out and and relate to my own life, but no matter where we are in our relationships we can all learn so much from you. For that I deeply thank you. Your baby steps are becoming airborn strides! Keep flying…
M
M,
I’ll pass along your congratulations to Ease Me. I’m just the willing student.
How did you know I was feeling the urge to fly again…?
I’m so grateful that HGM resonates with you. And I’m ultra grateful to have you here. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
How brave and wonderful that you were able to forgive The Genius. I think forgiveness does as much or more for the person doing the forgiving, as for the person who is being forgiven.
Your post made me think of the Eagles song “The Heart of the Matter,” and these lyrics:
“There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore…”
What a blessed relief for you. You are free.
Wishing you all the best,
benny
B,
I’m so free that although fully clothed I feel totally naked! Wait…let me just make sure I’m clothed.
Yep. I am.
Thanks for sharing and for being here. Your presence is truly appreciated. So grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, congratulations. I know that high. I know that feeling of release and I am sure if we were hooked up to a myriad of machines at that very moment, we could prove forgiveness has a physical response as well as emotional/psychological. In my experience however, that moment of forgiveness isn’t absolute, there have been many times when I waivered and wanted to ‘unforgive’ as a way of coping when things went wrong. For me, forgiveness actually took some practice, it wasn’t that I didn’t truely forgive but sometimes it is tooeasy to fall into old/bad habits.
Continue on Cleo, you and all the players in your life, deserve the very best.
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Your words of wisdom resonate. While I’d like to think it’s all sunny skies from here on with between me and The Genius, I imagine I’ll have moments where I want to un-forgive as well. So, I’ll condition myself to return to Ease Me and have her sit me down for a little session. A tutorial, if you will, on the healing power of forgiveness.
I forgave The Genius, but what I really accomplished was to free myself from the chains of anger and from him. I love myself too much to place myself in that precarious position again. So I will remain centered and present, and vigilantly aware of my emotions and thoughts. I’ll send off those that don’t serve me, but not before a long embrace.
And you and everyone else here at HGM will keep me on track. For that I am supremely and massively grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, god you are amazing! So beautifully expressed. I remember struggling about forgiveness for what to me seemed like forever. And it was that same dilemma – how do I forgive with out feeling like I was saying what he did was alright?! And just like your beautiful epiphany, I realized about a year ago that forgiveness was going to open my heart to the light again because I had been almost swallowed by the darkness. And you know I haven’t regretted it for one second, since I said those very words. You have given yourself and the boys the greatest gift. The gift of love and freedom!
Congratulations.
JJ
J,
I strive to live up to your kind words. Thank you so much.
I am truly happy to have forgiven The Genius. I feel joy. It’s softened me. I appreciate that most of all.
So happy to join the ranks of Forgivers. Where’s my t-shirt?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you Cleo for sharing your journey. I too am experiencing the fall out of a 7 year marriage that was having problems and ended with the punctuation of an affair. I am also 5 months pregnant…
And so my journey has begun. Some days are shit-kicking-I-can-conquer-the-world-days when “I Will Survive” is the soundtrack in my head. And some days, most days, are let-me-sleep-all-day-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-cry-and-fathom-the-idea-of-not-waking-up. Those days suck. Because I can’t indulge in them for too long because I have a two year old to love and watch grow old and another baby girl to birth in 4 months.
This post is where I want to get to. But it’s too early for me yet. But when I do get there, and I hope one day that I get there, that I too will feel the euphoria you have. Because it’s not about him. It’s about me.
M,
Oh, M. Your words have touched me so deeply. I recall being so utterly drained when I was pregnant with my second son, while my first was just 2. I can’t imagine placing upon that already taxed being the strain of divorce. Please take great care with yourself. Be so very gentle. It’s okay to camp out in your room, sitting in it. That’s one part of how you’ll be able to bid farewell to the sadness, anger and fear. The other part is to be fully present, whether it’s in a time of joy or a time of sadness. Feel the difference. See what led you there. Acknowledge the feelings and emotions that need your attention. And let yourself feel joy. Give it a place be always.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I hope that you will stay with us here. I believe you will find a great deal of support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. Wow. I’m so proud of what you did. I don’t know that I’ve ever done anything like that. That is some good karma that you’ve accumulated. And of course, the healing powers of forgiveness are huge. Peace to you, you deserve it.
Can’t wait for the spiciness you speak of…
L,
Thank you, m’lady. I’m feeling good all over.
The Mr. Jackpot comments will come tomorrow. Should be very interesting… Followed by a post which I am still shaking my head over. Where. Do. I. Begin?
Madness, I say…madness.
Love yourself,
Cleo
help me!! I need to, want to & have to get to this point! there are days when I feel like I’m ALMOST there! it’s been 7 months since he cheated, our only baby just turned 14 months today & we haven’t even filed for divorce yet he’s already traveling & giving rings to his “teller friend”..it’s so hard to think of forgiveness..hopefully SOON! I know that just like you, I need to do it for my baby & for ME!
xoxo
M,
You will do it. When the time is right. Keep in mind, HGM has really sped up my process of healing. I’m taking this on as if I’m a full time grad student. I spend 3 hours a day writing on a post day and the rest of the time I’m so conscious of HGM that it keeps me ‘in class’. Your time will arrive. And soon. It’s been 7 months for me, too. With regard to The Genius and The Happy Dance Chick – I don’t care if he tattoos her name on his face. That’s one way I knew I was ready to forgive him. I am not attached to him or his actions anymore. I am grateful to be free of a man who would proactively hurt me in that way. I don’t take it personally anymore. Because it’s not about me. It’s about him, his actions, her, her actions, and best wishes to the happy couple.
Don’t sweat that you haven’t filed for divorce – while important, it’s a formality. I’m not yet divorced but I can say that I don’t feel married in the least.
M, you will get there and when you do we are going to have one hell of a party. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello C,
Ok, so in tears this side of the pond. Once again your steps are mine and this one really resonated.
I figured it out last week, the forgiveness…it’s liberating and yes, I feel so free it’s overwhelming. For the first time in a year I can actually say. I am feeling better and no longer live in the past, nor care what he did. This is my one life and I am starting to see the benefits of this lesson.
I am scared…alone and scared but I know it’s ok. I have started the new chapter and it’s all good. Thanks C, for always being one step ahead…for being the light that takes me out of the tunnel and the showing me the light at the end of it.
Not sure what happens next but I know that whatever it is, I trust it’s all working out for me just the way it is meant to.
My fear…it lessens by the day and I am always able to come here for a sign, a message a lead that let’s me know, I am not alone. My soul really missed me being true to me, hence it’s need to slough off those things in my life that weren’t authentic.
Off to watch King Fu Panda 2 now, time for some Zen and a smile.
MLP
Xx
MLP,
You make me feel like a fairy godmother. You are so very kind. All that and a physicist, too. Divine.
We live in a dual world, MLP. So by being scared you are opening yourself up to being brave. You can’t be one without knowing the other. I’ve been watching this lately, and I’m seeing it play out time and again. I was feeling like a ping pong ball until I realized that I’m supposed to stay in the center observing the emotions at play. I see fear over here and bravery over there. I stay centered and draw on the emotions as I need them, but I don’t run from one to the other. Rather, I let them drift over me, around me, but they don’t run me.
Like me, I believe you will find you quite enjoy not knowing what is going to happen next. I’m thoroughly digging it. With that comes the responsibility of knowing that some events and experiences coming my way are not going to appear pretty or fun or happy. But they are experiences that I can handle and they will lead me to beauty. That I know for sure. Because I am present and I’m worthy of beauty.
If you’re watching Kung Fu Panda 2, I’m going to cue up a classic South Park. I need a good old-fashioned juvenile (with a huge dose of intellect) laugh. I hope one day we’ll be sitting on a couch with a big bowl of popcorn and some Zin. I’d say a Boddingtons but I’m sadly allergic to wheat these days. Blame the Swede in me. We live on potatoes and rice – evolution hasn’t moved swiftly enough to prepare my intestines for wheat.
Do you have any idea how grateful I am that you are here?
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
That gratitude door swings both ways my friend. I am not sure what I bring to the table but I am very happy you derive some benefit from my ramblings.
Popcorn it is my dear…we can stick to the Latino reds…copious Zen and South Park (huge fan) sounds like the perfect night in
)
MLP
Xxx
MLP,
Preferably something heady from Argentina. One day…MLP…one day.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have no idea how to forgive. My partner of 26 years (husband of 23) has been having an email affair with a woman on the other side of the world for the past three years, though they have physically been together five times. Nonetheless he is ending our marriage. I discovered this seven months ago and though I never wanted to end our marriage he has decided that he is in love and must be with her.
How do I forgive? My whole world has been turned upside down and I still love him and our life together.
M,
I believe the turning point for me was fully falling back in love with myself. (Perhaps it’s for the first time?) The other important gift I have received is the realization that we are all on individual paths. We must let go of blending in to someone else so deeply that we lose our self in the process. We control no one. We need to be vulnerable. And be prepared to walk away if that’s the natural course of things. It requires a tremendous amount of internal strength, but the knowledge that I can stand on my own two feet and don’t require another person to make me whole is a mini-Holy Grail.
So, get there first. Once you can let go of him, love yourself deeply and be free to live your life authentically, you will be moved to forgive. You may never have to say it to him but only know it in yourself. I sense that you will achieve this state of happiness and peace. And then you’ll be as excited as I am for what is over that fog covered (here in Marin anyway) hill.
I’m so grateful you took the time to share your thoughts with me, with us. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you, Cleo, for these words.
I’ve been reading for a while, even though I’m in quite a different situation. But I also find myself needing to let go, of needing someone, of trying to make him do things that will make me happy. And what you say here is so universally true, and I have to remind myself of it every day: I don’t control him. It’ll work out, or it won’t, and it may, and does, hurt. But I’ll be okay.
So thank you for bringing this home to me.
Glad to see you are at this point. When I made the decision to forgive my former, I found that the “issue” took up less real estate in my mind. It is almost like having a cleanse, isn’t it? Freed up, clean space in your mind to fill with whatever peaceful, healthy thoughts you want. Nice job! By the way, as you progress, your sons will also follow on steady ground. Your ex didn’t have the fortune of having a great mom, but your sons do–so you have broken the cycle. Belated Happy Mother’s Day.
S,
I am so happy to hear you say that I have broken the cycle. I’m going to buy that hook, line and sinker. It is my main goal. Without judging The Family Genius, I am determined to insure that the boys grow up to respect the gift of life, to respect themselves and to respect their partners, and the world at large.
Speaking of cleanse…I just started one. Holy arachnid! I thought I was doing a cleanse, not having my mouth connected directly to my colon! I may have to pull the plug on this. But I’ll spare you the details. I want to have you come back not become ill.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
wow… I can’t say more than WOW…. this blog spoke volumes…it said more to me than anyone has actually talking to me, made me ponder, and realize that I have never truly forgiven my first X for cheating on me with a 15 year old… I was happy that after 11 years they have still managed to make it work, but nope, have never forgiven him. Thank you ! xoxoxo <3 you are a very strong woman! that took balls so to speak to do.. thank you.
H,
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Go get that wrapping paper! You will feel free to live your life the way it was intended to be lived. Isn’t it funny that the tings we do that require the most courage because they can be so intimidating also bring the most joy? That’s not by accident… Thank you, J!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Holy Cow! Im sitting at work reading this and tears are streaming down my face. I feel so far from that point – from forgivness. I still feel so angry and hurt and so many other things that forgiving him is almost like saying its ok that you treated me and our marriage like that. He moved out 9 months ago and I still feel heavy and weighted down. Maybe forgivness is what makes the load lighter and eventually go away?
J,
Forgiveness is like a thorough spring cleaning. More than that, actually. It’s the greatest gift I could give myself. It’s lifted the fog in my being (Thankfully the fog has returned here in NoCal – me love fog, just not inside me.), helped me to be more gentle, and freed me to live fully in the present.
Spontaneous emoting could very well be a sign that you are ready. I found myself bursting into tears at random the week before I forgave The Genius. Let it all out…make room for the joy that is sure to follow.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, to emote with us. I’m hopeful you have some degree of privacy at work! And that your tears lead you to happiness.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Another wonderful post and so beautifully expressed.
I came across this article about forgiveness on a site that I stumbled upon which is all about positive energy. Thought I’d pass along their article about Five Reasons to Forgive. Just solidifies what your post addressed. http://www.purposefairy.com/5311/forgiveness-5-reasons-why-you-should-let-go-of-resentments/
Keep up the healing!
Katya
K,
Thank you, m’lady. And thank you for sharing this article with us. I encourage anyone who is wanting to forgive but struggling with what it means to check it out. It all resonated with me.
I’m gonna keep it up until I float into the atmosphere.
Love yourself,
Cleo
wow, I’m happy for you. I want to forgive my husband, but I’m afraid to. If we were divorced/divorcing it’d be easier because he couldn’t hurt me like that again, but because we’re still married, to me true forgiveness would mean I’d have to trust him and I don’t know if I can risk that hurt again. He says he’s sorry and he’d never do it again, it all happend over a two year period . ..or did it…how can I know..that’s the real horror story of cheating and lying I guess…. If once caught he had told me everything right away instead of only letting, well maybe not even letting..getting caught in more lies and having to admit the truth…. out piece by piece over a 8 month period, I would trust he really felt he’d made mistakes and was sorry…but I can’t. I’m interested in seeing if your forgiveness lasts, I hope it does for your sake.
S,
The forgiveness will last. But I won’t trust him again. The stress, in the early days back in December, of trying to start the process of rebuilding our trust was unbearable. Likely because trusting him again was not an option. It still isn’t an option.
I don’t feel that trust and forgiveness are tied together. To stay with him in a healthy relationship you will need to grow to trust him again. Honestly, I feel that’s a taller task than forgiving. I’m hopeful that you get what you need and that you come back to share it with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
The more I read your blog and all the comments, the more I wonder…am I the ONLY one who decided to stay and work it out???
B,
No, you’re not the only one. So many people are able to pull it off. You know, I heard something the other day that really resonated with me:
Till death do us part seemed to work better when we were dying in our 30s.
Monogamy might need to be rethought. Emotional affairs are destructive. But maybe physical affairs aren’t? I don’t know. I just know that it’s a complete craps shoot to attempt to stay married to one person for 60 years.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Blondie, I was wondering the same. Cleo’s experience resonates with me on so many levels, with the only difference being that both my husband and I realized that what wanted to salvage what we had.
Some men are capable of being willing to deal with the icky and ugly parts of relationships. Some will make an honest attempt to not walk away. But, some men fine it easier and self satisfying to just move on.
As for us, we are working through the ugly, icky stuff. Good luck to you both.
K and B,
Bingo: “But, some men find it easier and self satisfying to just move on.”
The Genius was never capable of maturely working through our relationship. He was never taught how. I don’t blame him. I felt sad that we squandered our connection over an inability to mature together. But I’ve let go of that because, in our situation, I fully trust that I am to learn that with others.
Love yourselves,
Cleo
Blondie and Kate,
I am working on trying to stay in it too. It’s not an easy path and I really don’t know where it will lead. I am not sure what it will take to get to a place where I can trust my husband again. He betrayed me in so many ways that it is difficult to now trust in the work he is doing to grow and to change. I think that it is going to be a long time before I have clarity on whether to go or stay but, at least for now, I feel that I need to remain open to the possibility of healing together. And at the same time, I am spending a lot of time focusing on my own healing and the ways that I need to change (interestingly, the things that I need to focus on really have very little to do with his betrayal). Whether you divorce or not, the work of getting to know yourself and what you need to heal is pretty much the same.
Best of luck to all of us,
RH
R,
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with B and K. That’s all. Just a big, massive thank you. I love knowing that you are all connecting here. Makes me feel so shimmery and happy and grateful. I adore you all.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I love your blog! I couldn’t agree more about forgiveness, as difficult as it may be. Forgiveness isn’t about denying accountability or saying that you are okay with the inappropriate behaviors of others. It’s about releasing yourself from the need to be angry, punish others, and feel resentful. It’s about realizing that we all have a role to play in each other’s lives and turning the focus on yourself and what you can learn from a painful experience rather than going down the rabbit hole of judging and blaming others. It is unbelievably freeing and incredibly difficult. It is simple, but it is not easy.
As a person who has worked through some big forgiveness episodes in my life, I will warn you that there will be times when the anger will still bubble up and you will find resentful, bitter thoughts forming in your head. The only difference is, once you’ve made the decision to forgive, you can recognize these things for what they are – illusions of the ego. You can notice them, as in, “Hello resentment, I recognize you!” . . . And then you choose to let them go. This will probably happen again and again and again. The more you practice releasing yourself from the need to judge or criticize others, the easier it will become. Forgiveness is a process, not a single act.
Thank you for sharing your story. In exchange, I would like to share a resource with you! There is an awesome book called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping that was pivotal for me. I “randomly” picked it up at a bookstore one day, but after reading it I believe that the Universe hurled that book into my path right when I needed it. I highly recommend it as you walk the path of forgiveness. If you read it, I hope you get as much out of it as I did!
Maggie
M,
Your beautifully written words need no further tweaking by me. I will put the book on the list and look forward to being able to curl up with the other 10 books that have already been jotted down!
“It is simple, but it is not easy.” But when the time is right, when you’re in the flow, when you’re so in love with yourself that forgiveness seems utterly natural, it comes like the waves to the shore. There’s no stopping it.
I’m so grateful you took the time to comment. I hope you’ll stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo!
I had tears in my eyes this morning when I read this post. I can feel the euphoria from here! What a cleansing, growing, unadulterated, pure feeling it is to truly forgive someone – the only other feeling that comes to mind is when you give birth and look at your child for the first time. Such an enormous breath of fresh, clean air…and the weight being lifted off your shoulders. I think I just grew with you!
Tam
T,
It was magical. IS magical. I’m so glad my words resonated with you. Together we will grow.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
You just gave yourself the absolute, most fantastic gift you ever could. Universes will open for you.
So proud of you,
D
D,
You are spot on. Just got off the phone with The Genius. The interaction was productive, supportive and gentle. All because I forgave him. It was so very worth it.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I’ve just reread all of the posts on forgiveness. What an amazing and eloquent thread you created here! And it’s all about forgiving people who might not be worthy of our forgiveness. Yet, we aim to do it anyway.
Cleo wrote,” The other important gift I have received is the realization that we are all on individual paths. We must let go of blending in to someone else so deeply that we lose our self in the process. We control no one.”
Maggie wrote, “Forgiveness is a process, not a single act.”
Just Me wrote,”Maybe forgiveness is what makes the load lighter and eventually (it) go(es) away?
SAH wrote,” When I made the decision to forgive my former, I found that the “issue” took up less real estate in my mind. It is almost like having a cleanse, isn’t it? Freed up, clean space in your mind to fill with whatever peaceful, healthy thoughts you want.
And I am not getting preachy here, but I like the metaphor about forgiveness used in Psalm 103:12
“as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Vast expanse the poet was talking about.)
It is wonderful how we come from different walks of life, from such varied experiences, and yet we all yearn to forgive and be forgiven.
Thanks, Cleo, for reminding me of the importance of forgiveness. Your words are moving and help reveal us to ourselves.
benny
B,
I’m so grateful you took the time to pull those morsels out from the comments. What a great read. Truly amazing wisdom pouring out on these pages. I cannot put into words what that means to me. And you all know, I am not one to be at a loss for words.
I feel like a lush swamp and you are all the fireflies.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo – I’ve been following your blog your a few weeks now, I started from the beginning and finally caught up! Your journey parallels my own in so many ways (or maybe my journey parallels yours) – it’s only been 4 months since my husband moved out, 5 since I found out about his affair. I’ve also kept a journal throughout this journey, albeit a slightly more private one that yours, sorting through the shock, the pain, the search for answers, the healing process, navigating the massive shifts in my entire being.
I could have commented on almost every page, things you said that moved me, feelings that matched my own, words that made me go “Yes, exactly!” but this is my first post. I’ve had more time to myself recently and your mountain climbing meditating inspired me to get out and do a bit of hiking and soul searching of my own. I’ve walked for miles through some stunning countryside the last couple of days, my tears masked by the relentless rain, & thinking about forgiveness.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not yet ready to forgive my Genius – I don’t know for sure if I ever will be. But I did decide to forgive myself. I don’t blame myself for his affair – he made that stunning choice all on his own – but I do recognise the part I played in creating a marriage that maybe (ok obviously!) wasn’t quite right. I recognise the problems I created by making decisions that ignored things that were really, fundamentally important to me once upon a time, by giving up parts of myself to have the life I thought I wanted. And I forgive myself.
Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for sharing. xx
R,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts and feelings. I predict you will forgive him. You’ve already forgiven yourself and that is huge. The writing, the hiking…they may seem like simple things to do that couldn’t possibly have a dramatic impact, but look out! SO transformational.
I love that you are putting your energy into self-discovery. There will be times when you feel that you couldn’t possibly make another tear, when your chest couldn’t heave any more, and you will and it will. And nearly simultaneously you will feel beautiful. Present. Worthy of your own love.
I hope you will continue to make the time to be alone with yourself. How about a date night? Epic things will be learned. And do stay close. We can really help each other.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Chloe,
I think forgiveness after an affair isn’t “nuts” at all; it is, as you have discovered, very freeing. My only problem is that forgiveness was almost forced upon you by a well-meaning Ease Me. No one should be forced, cajoled, ridiculed, shamed, etc., etc., into a very personal and very conscious decision; it needs to come to us in our own time, in our own way.
It is too easy, I believe, to say all is forgiven before all really is; we like to have happy, tidy endings that get us out of the gray zone. But the cracks will show at some point or another if we said it too soon and without purpose and conscience. I hope in your case it was said at an authentic time for you.
V,
I’ll let this one stand and respond to the second comment. But know I adore you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Please scratch that last comment — I should have known better, that Ease Me is part of you. Good heavens, so sorry!!!!! Or as Emily Litella used to say, “Never mind. …”
V,
Your point about not forgiving too soon is so important. It was what I labored over the most. I needed to know that I was truly ready or I would only create further resentment in me towards The Genius. Tidying up is an old habit of mine. Your wisdom is perfectly suited for me.
Forgiveness in itself is beautiful. But the real benefit for me is what it says about where I am in my journey. It’s an earned gift to be able to forgive. It means I have arrived at a pivotal part of my life. I am so grateful to you, and everyone here for helping to guide me forward.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi There;
I have only started reading HGM. I think it may save my life. It’s been a year since my relationship ended. Some days I am no further along than the day he left. I find myself hating him, despising him, then in the next moment wanting him back. He acts like I don’t exist and that what we had was nothing, his last words to me were “I hate you”. He blames everything on me. You talk about “working on ourselves”… where do I start? We have no children which makes it so much easier, however he moved 4 blocks away when we run into each other he runs the other way. I feel like the woman in “Gaslighting” where her husband trys to make her believe she is crazy. He claimed no real infidelity, however I found out he was calling a girl from his work after hours. He swore (several times) that he would stop calling her. In the end it was she who said “why are you calling me? This isn’t right” He told me this.
I read in your comments about not focussing on him and focus on myself. Do you have any tips to stop obsessive thinking? To turn my focus from what he’s doing to what I’m doing? How are you able to distance yourself from wanting
E,
I’m so grateful you found HGM. I trust others will weigh in with thoughts on your questions. Here are mine…
I struggled with “Obsessive thinking” and understand how destructive it can be. When I really tuned in to why I was doing it and how it made me feel I was able to see that nothing constructive was coming from doing it. I was just rehashing the same old stuff. I also found myself creating these conversations in my head where I would vent to The Genius. That did nothing but stress me out.
I basically trained myself to not do it anymore. I knew that was the healthier for me to stop. So I made a commitment to myself and it finally worked. It took some time, but it worked. It was a key step I needed to take to nurture myself and get to a point where I could forgive him.
This is your life, E. It’s your responsibility to live it. You deserveto live it. And he is going to live his as he chooses. Every time you find yourself focusing on him tell yourself that you are doing that to avoid looking at something within yourself. Your self needs the attention right now.
“How are you able to distance yourself from wanting, wishing, hoping things were back as they were?” – Walk past the wants and go directly to the needs. What do you truly need right now to nurture you? To insure that you are grounded in what you know to be true. I sense some dedicated time to sit with your emotions, let them have their moment with the understanding that once they do will be released, will really benefit you.
You will have to be brave. But I guarantee you, you will be rewarded for your efforts.
Please stay close, and as I said, I’m sure others will weigh in with some wisdom-filled guidance for you.
Love yourself (it really does start there),
Cleo
Aaah! You have gotten to the point where I was trying to steer you when I started off saying, “Look at your beautiful boys. Thank him for giving them to you.” When you can realize that there was good with the bad and how happy and grateful you are for the good, then you are ready to take the next step, to forgive and finally, move on from the pain that holds you. Yes, it’s a beautiful thing. You will still hurt and feel pain from this but it will be coming from a different place
K,
You rock. Your words propelled me forth. I trusted you. And it worked. I have transformed through my forgiveness of The Genius in ways I could not have predicted. I am forever grateful to you.
It was an essential move. How’s this for interesting…I felt more feminine after I forgave him. That will serve me well. Just one of the unexpected benefits.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Beautiful grace. I cried when I read your compassion and the impact it had. This is what changes the world.
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. The experience of forgiving The Genius changed me. And, in a ripple kind of way, changed the world. I was just pondering the affects of being pleasant while driving back from Bodie, CA the other day. If I’m pleasant to everyone I encounter I will positively affect their world. That’s a doable goal!
Grateful you are here, R.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo!
GREAT post! I was in a similar situation with my ex. She was a real mean and nasty person. Over the years she spent every cent we had on herself and yelled at the kids and I any time something didn’t go her way. I have broken stairs and other items to testify to her anger of not getting her way. Finally in 2009, I had enough. The final straw happened when I went to Detroit to get my mom over Thanksgiving. Ex stayed home with the 24 year old to clean house and prepare. Well my mom cancelled because she got sick. I called the house, got the son and told him after he told me where ex was. I called ex and her first words were “don’t tell son”. When I told her that I already had, she laid into me with a cuss filled, name calling 15 minute tirade. By the end of the call, I was crying. She was loud and nasty enough that when I hung up, my 7 year old asked from the back seat “why did mommy call you stupid?” At that point, I stopped telling ex I loved her and stopped kissing her. 2 months later she signed up on a site called affairhotel dot com. Yes, it is EXACTLY what it means. It’s a match dot com for sex. I caught it when she couldn’t minimize the screen one day and when I realized what was happening, I bought a mini camera for evidence. Cleo, there were no fewer than 30 different men over the next 4 months. She’d sneak out when she thought I was asleep. Or bring them over when I left for work. One time she met 3 guys in a 36 hour period. Yes, all for random sex. Why am I saying this? Because when we decided to separate amicably, I forgave her completely. I destroyed the videos. I moved on.
Forgiveness isn’t just for them. It’s for us too. It’s a closing of the door. So long as we let it fester unforgiven that door to the pain is still wide open. The pain can reach through and claw and tear at you at any time. When you forgive, you tell the pain that it’s not allowed to hurt you anymore. Oh, sure, sometimes it reaches under the door to remind you, but when you truly forgive, you feel better. You’ll find that over the years, the moment you truly forgave him will be the turning point for the good in your life. Hang in!
Blessings Cleo!
C,
Wow. Just wow. How sad that she needed to put herself in such dangerous situations to achieve…I don’t even know what. I’m grateful that you weren’t harmed in any irreversible way. Yet, I’m certain the scars are still clearly visible.
Thanks to you, I reread the post. It lifted my spirits on a day when that was desperately needed. You’ve helped to recenter me with your words. The joy from forgiveness still bubbles inside and is ready and able to hold my hand as needed.
Someday, hopefully soon, peace will be a constant in my world. Strike that, it already is. Hopefully, someday I won’t lose sight of that.
C, you rock. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh, I have scars, Cleo. No doubt about it. And yes, most are probably visible to everyone but me. I don’t trust anymore. I started dating and don’t take any of their words as truth. I will probably never have a normal marriage again as you have to have trust to have one and I will be very hard pressed to trust anyone ever again. Actually, I can promise I will never trust another human being for the rest of my life. So, yes, there was damage. However all that damage was completely avoidable. When she turned out to be the worst decision I had ever made, I should have divorced her. After the first tantrum where she grabbed a bat and destroyed the steps outside leading to the side door because something didn’t go her way, I should have tossed her. After all the spending put us into bankruptcy, I should have taken our son and left. I should have, but I didn’t. That made everyone miserable. My oldest son (27 yrs old), repeatedly cornered me to demand that I divorce her and kick her out. I adopted him in 1992 the year after marrying his mom. He repeatedly told me to boot her. He still resents that I didn’t and drug the family through the bad marriage. So the scars were avoidable and I didn’t avoid them. The funny thing is every time I saw another person on the video come by for sex with her, I was happier. It meant the end was here. Hell was going to release me. I’m sure I need major mental help lol. I’ll get it some year. In the meantime reading sites like yours helps a lot. My friends and family on Facebook help too. Time doesn’t heal the wounds. That’s a myth. What it does do is allow us to figure out how to deal with the pain and move on.
C,
I apologize for the delay in replying to your comment. Some take a little while to ponder. Mainly to temper my natural desire to get in there and FIX, FIX, FIX.
Time won’t heal the wounds, but spending time with yourself will. I have found that I’m invigorated by being vulnerable and trusting even though my mind thinks I’m crazy to do so. I’ve felt how you feel. Trust again, C, but love yourself first so that if you should trust the wrong person you will not be upended by it. Reread the comments on the posts having to do with encounters.
What is a normal marriage? I’ve come to feel that marriage (Mawwage is what bwings us togewer today…I’m a major Princess Bride fan.) has become this thing we do , crafted by government and religion, which lets us off the hook. We don’t have to get our hands dirty. We can’t get it right, as evidenced by the number of us walking around with ring marks on our finger but no rings, yet we continue to jump right on in, blindly, and often with trepidation. Were pretty clueless and it’s a daunting challenge to grow with one person from the 20s till death. Maybe when we all croaked in our 30s it was doable, but holy arachnid! Till 90? Only the most fabulous or most in denial can pull that off.
Try this…leave all the details of the marriage and betrayal behind you for one week. Don’t rehash, don’t lament, create a smile every time a negative thought comes into you. Quiet the mind. Quiet the mind. Do just that for one week and let me know how it goes.
I’m confident you can release these emotions, freeing you up to walk on your path with a hand open on either side to join with another when the time suits you both. And you will set a great example for your son about how to thrive in the face of adversity.
It’s yours for the taking, C.
Love yourself, truly love yourself,
Cleo