You don’t want your husband’s affair partner to have any awareness of who you are and what’s important to you. The more the affair partner knows about you, especially if you show weakness in front of them, the more they have to use against you.
In my work as a Divorce Coach, I could share stories, miserable stories of the horrors that come about when a woman contacts and becomes engaged in conflict with her husband’s affair partner. Since those are professionally confidential I’ll share what happened in my Aunt’s situation.
Her husband worked with the woman he was having his affair with. My Aunt knew her well and how to contact her, her husband AND her children. My Aunt and Uncle had been married for over 30-years so, to say she went temporarily insane is an understatement.
Anyway, she contacted his affair partner, makes many threats about what she will do if the affair partner doesn’t stay away from her husband. She foolishly thought that women who sleep with married men are intimidated by the wife.
Despite the threats, the affair continued and my Aunt felt it was time to take action to remedy the problem. And, the action she took was criminal!
She followed her husband and the other woman on their work break one night, her and a girlfriend. She had with her a bottle of Tabasco Sauce and a plan to BURN the woman who was sleeping with her husband.
She succeeded in her plan by sneaking up on the couple who were having sex in his truck, in the middle of a wooded area. She yanked the naked other women out of the truck, she and her girlfriend held the woman down and emptied the bottle of Tabasco Sauce into her Hoo Haa! Quite a thrill I’m sure but, the action came with negative consequences for my Aunt.
She was arrested, charged with assault and spent the night in jail. The other woman was cared for by my Uncle in the comfort of her hospital bed and, as you can guess, their marriage wasn’t repaired.
No one won! And, no one lived happily ever after, either.
If your husband is having an affair, it isn’t revenge you need or want. Remember, you’ll only do more damage to an already chaotic situation by contacting, in anyway his affair partner. So, forget the partner and deal with the person attached to you that is making choices that negatively impact you.
Here are 4 Reasons It’s Never a Good Idea to Confront Your Husband’s Affair Partner
1. The affair partner doesn’t care about you, your feelings or the damage being done.
If the other woman cared about you and your feelings, they wouldn’t be sleeping with your husband. Whether your husband is sleeping with your best friend or a perfect stranger, if that person CARED about you, you wouldn’t be having the problems you’re having now.
This can be a difficult concept for some to comprehend. If you are a person who naturally cares about the feelings of others, strangers, anyone, you’ll find it hard to wrap your head around the fact that some people only care about themselves and getting what they want.
People who sleep with a married man are generally self-centered and don’t put a lot of time into worrying about the pain they are causing others. You’re going to fight a losing battle if you think the affair partner is going to be the least bit concerned with how you feel about them or the situation. You’re already dealing with enough pain, why take on more by contacting the affair partner who will only add to your distress by showing you little regard?
2. In your weakened emotional state, you could make the situation worse.
Loose lips sink ships and, if you are trying to save your marriage, the less the affair partner knows about you, your marriage and your plans, the better. Whether or not your marriage survives is between you and your husband. Believe, me, the affair partner is going to do nothing that will positively impact your desire to restore your marriage.
If you contact the other woman and let it slip that you are planning to divorce your husband, you’ve given both your husband and the affair partner a heads up and the opportunity to go on the defensive legally. If you plan to divorce, that should be between you and your husband. That isn’t a situation you want to triangulate by giving the affair partner too much information.
If emotions are driving your actions, you could also say or do something that lands you in trouble legally, like my Aunt. If anger gets the best of you, threats may be thrown around and you don’t want to give the affair partner enough ammunition to obtain a restraining order against you.
Let’s face it, the opportunity to get yourself in a lot of hot water is there and, it certainly won’t enamor your husband to you. Saving a marriage or navigating a divorce is so much easier with a spouse who isn’t angry as hell with you.
3. Regardless of what you image, communicating with or meeting with the affair partner isn’t going to go the way you think it will.
You will be putting yourself in a situation you can’t control. You have control over your actions and feelings, you have no control over the affair partner’s actions and feelings. And, I can guarantee you, the affair partner is not going to feel or react the way you believe they should. You will only be setting yourself up for more disappointment and pain.
4. You will be giving up the power you have in your relationship with your cheating husband.
You are a wife. You’ve a long history with your husband. The affair partner is just someone your husband is sleeping with. Your husband comes home to you every night, parents with you every day and has a connection and attachment to you and the family that the affair partner doesn’t.
The affair partner gets your leftovers, your sloppy seconds. They wait around until your husband can find time to get away from you and the family. You have a far greater hold on your husband than the affair partner does.
It matters how you are viewed by the affair partner. If you have contact with them that leads to crying, pleading, begging or threats you will begin to be viewed as an irrational and weak person. NEVER put yourself in the position of being viewed as having less power in the eyes of the affair partner.
You don’t want your husband’s affair partner to have any awareness of who you are and what’s important to you. The more the affair partner knows about you, especially if you show weakness in front of them, the more they have to use against you.
If the affair partner wants a future with your husband, they are your enemy and an enemy to your marriage and family. Don’t give them enough information to manipulate you or your husband into giving them what they want. Think of it this way, if this was war and you were an Army General, would you be sharing communication with the enemy and giving way your strategy? No, you wouldn’t so, don’t do that with the affair partner.
At the end of the day, contacting the affair partner is your decision. If you do, make sure you can remain calm, keep a tight hold on your pain and anger and exit any communication the moment you feel yourself losing control.
FAQs About Your Husband’s Affair Partner:
How do I scare my husband’s affair partner away?
Do you think you will be able to scare a woman who has the cheek to sleep with your husband? Affair partners of married men don’t feel intimidated.
Should I contact my husband’s affair partner?
You can neither guess nor be able to deal with what might emerge after you contact your husband’s affair partner.
What kind of women sleep with married men?
Women who have the audacity to sleep with married men are self-serving, and incapable of worrying about hurting others.
What should I tell my husband’s affair partner?
Don’t tell your husband’s affair partner anything about your relationship, your marriage or plans. Remember, loose lips sink ships. Let’s say you tell her that you will divorce your husband or are planning to do so because of his affair. This bit of information will give her and your husband the opportunity to go on defensive legally.
Does the other woman have more hold on my husband?
The wife enjoys more hold on her husband than the other woman. She waits for your husband to get away from you and family to spend time with him. And all she gets is your sloppy seconds.
What does my husband’s affair partner think of me if I talk to her?
What she thinks of you depends a lot on how she views you after you talk to her. If you fail to act cool and start crying and threatening her with dire consequences, she will view you as a weak woman. Operate from a position of strength.
My then-Husband and the neighbor’s wife started an affair. I never confronted her because I did not think she was worth the effort. A woman that would knowingly do that to another woman is obviously not playing by the same rules. Thank you for the article. You are right on in your reasoning.
If I ever meet up with my soon-to-be ex’s Ho, I actually do think I will be able to control myself because I DID reach out to her after my husband dropped the bomb on me and our 27 year marriage (almost a year ago). Right away I emailed her while she was on a fun trip with my husband (spending OUR/MY money!) and it started out with “You Effing C U Next Time”. I assured her that her parents were super proud of her for boinking a married man (with children) who also happened to be her boss. I also mentioned he probably wasn’t the first married man she went after, and probably wasn’t going to be the last. And for her to remember that if he could do it to me, the person he loves the most in this world, just imagine what he can and will do to her. People neither forget nor forgive those who boink married men nor do they forget or forgive those who cheat on their wives. I also ended my email with the sentiments of hoping they both die very slow and painful deaths on their way to hell.
You may think I was wrong and that’s ok. I had to do what I had to do and I wasn’t willing to let her get away without feeling some sort of “wrath” (or consequence) from me. It was either the email or spend the rest of my life in jail. I chose the email.
Can’t disagree with this one
I would never risk going to jail for the exhole or the skank that took my sloppy seconds for several years, but when I finally took tbe 2 minutes to confirm what I’d been suspecting, kicked him out and filed for divorce I did send the moron the most recent cards and love notes from my now ex to clarify for her that while yes he’d been lying to me, he had certainly been lying to her. Oh, I also sent some adorable photos of him cheating on her with another even younger woman taken one of his “business trips” after they started living together. The real FU to her is while I get 40% of every cent he makes until he drops dead, she gets to change his adult diapers real soon.
I don’t agree not to confront the cheating partner, just do it strategically, after you’ve got your ducks in a row-financially epecially. Don’t have the expectation of accountability or remorse. Take his Metamucil, dirty underwear, his meds, bank statement with a zero balance, his Viagra. Etc. In a gift bag and a thank you note for taking the insecure, habitually cheating moron off your hands. (Cheaters have always cheated and lie about a whole lot of stuff.) And make sure you copy her family, co-workers, etc in the process.
Why do all that stuff? If you are truly grateful she has taken him off your hands, why do you feel the need to communicate with her at all. And, her family and co-workers. When a woman does as you’ve suggested all she is doing is letting her husband and his cheating partner know that she CARES about what they’ve done. Doing what you suggest, only gives them the satisfaction of knowing you are still entangled in the entire sordid mess. Why would anyone with any pride give the cheater, his partner, family and coworkers that kind of satisfaction?
Here’s another thought- take every email you have written to her and instead – give it to your cheating spouse to read instead. Let him see what you think of her and HIS actions together and absorb it – he probably can’t or won’t but better directed at him than her. That being said, I honored my spouse’s request to NOT reach out to his AP – and did that stupidly for first six months; but I suspected all along she would not be able to resist reaching out herself because she’s a desparate, unhinged, sad sack nut case who traveled almost 3,000 miiles and spent her own money to boink w/my husband after engaging in a 15 months of on-line emotional affair. She used her own money to act like a low-life call “girl” – and girl she is NOT – more like almost 50 year old, chubby, lonely, school teacher in TX. We live in New England. When she reached out – I saw text and told her exactly what I thought of her and her behavior – then I told her to expect a “cease and desist” order from our lawyers… which she did get. Hit them legally – w/restraint orders and C&Ds…. use HIS money to pay for your lawyer to do this to HER. Then consider posting her photo and your story on shesahomewrecker.com – you list by state. And/or if she’s a civil employee – esp. teacher you betrayed spouses should know ALL teachers sign morality contracts when they sign teacher contract for job – get her/him where it hurts most – their job! Don’t make it personal – make it hurt legally and professionally – where the AP can’t deny or run away from the consequences of their actions so easily. Just saying….
Ohhhhhh I have stories made up in my mind of what I would ever do if I met the whore again (I met once during our marriage, looking back she was chasing after him for the whole 13 years)….make her suffer, sure it would be sweet but it wouldn’t last….what last was seeing their wedding pictures and how absolutely miserable he looked, what last is seeing how she has allowed herself to balloon up, what last is seeing what he has done to himself (no longer the good looking man he was), what last (and this I find sad for my daughters) is that he has destroyed his relationship with his daughters to the point they call him a douche bag to thier friends and hate going to his house every other weekend…I find now more then want to seek revenge I feel pity for the whore, she is nothing special there is no respect for a woman who chases after a married man, there is no RESPECT for a MOTHER (herself) to sit and watch the way he treats his children and be okay with that. So no revenge isn’t needed, karma steps in and does what needs to be done, and if I am lucky then I get to see a little bit of it but in the end it doesn’t matter because my life is sooooooooo much better now, so much happier and more fulfilled, sure it has be a VERY HARD struggle and there are days I get in the “woo-me” mood but that’s life 🙂
One of my female colleagues was cheated on. I helped her track down the “Ho” in question who then turned out to be a guy. So, she tried to get revenge by sleeping with him. Alas, he couldn’t get it up. They ended up being good friends.
My soon to be ex is having an affair with a coworker. The 3 of us all work in same place, ex and whore in a different department then me but we have fairly regular contact during the work day.
I refuse to be intimidated by either my ex or the whore. I am systematically informing all our coworkers what the 2 of them are doing. They continue to deny and say they’re “friends” but none of our fellow coworkers are buying it. The gossip is always about the 2 of them and they have lost many friends. I don’t have much direct contact with my ex but Whenever I come in contact with the whore I maintain direct eye contact and watch her squirm under my glare. It’s beautiful and entertaining. They both go out of their way to avoid everyone in the office at all costs. They have been excluded from all gatherings outside the work day, all lunches, happy hours, etc whereas I am always invited. I am not saying it’s easy, I have had many nights where I cry myself to sleep but neither my ex nor the whore will ever see me break down.