If you’ve ever been the victim of infidelity the one thing you’ve wondered is “why” did he cheat? You will ask yourself that question dozens of times and may even think learning why the affair happened will keep it from happening again or relieve the pain you feel.
The truth is, knowing “why” won’t keep it from happening again and it won’t lessen your pain. Why not? Because you are not a cheater. There is no way can you control what a cheater does by understanding their motivation. And no way will understanding take away any of your pain.
If you have respected the boundaries of your marriage it is likely that you will never fully comprehend why a man would ever go outside the marriage for sex. The reason the cheater cheats is because he has an internal character flaw. He functions on the mistaken notion that going outside his marriage will solve his problems or fulfill his needs in some way.
Below are 7 of the more common reasons men cheat:
1. Some men cheat because they are not getting their needs met inside the marriage. They are under the skewed belief that going outside the marriage is justifiable. They get their “needs” met, their marriage stays intact and they delude themselves into believing that as long as their wife doesn’t know, no one is being harmed.
2. Some men have no respect for boundaries. They know that with marriage come certain boundaries when it comes to sex but they have little guilt when it comes to stepping over those boundaries.
3. Some men like the thrill of having something extra on the side. They don’t know how to pass up an opportunity to get a little “thrill.” The act of cheating has more to do with the fact that cheating is taboo than the actual sex.
4. Some men think they are not real men if they turn down a sexual invitation. They define their “manhood” by how attractive they are to the opposite sex. The more attention and propositions they get, the more manly they feel. These men are bankrupt in the self-esteem department!
5. Some cheat because they are hiding a secret. For instance, the man who is bisexual and hasn’t disclosed this information to his wife. He may love his wife and want to keep his marriage intact but, he will get his needs met. Maybe a man has a kinky fetish that is wife has a problem with…he may go outside the marriage to fulfill whatever his sexual desires are.
6. He is bored with the same old, same old: Some men will cheat on their wives or girlfriends because they are bored with the monotony back at home; either in bedroom matters or in the simple day-to-day life.
7. He is the weaker sex: We’ve all heard the joke about the weaker sex, but it may not be a joke at all. Men are indeed the weaker sex; even though this phrase is always used to refer to women. The reason I’m using this regarding men is because the male species are very easily seduced by women.
The fact that men are visual creatures does not make matters any easier. Often all it takes to reel a guy in is for a woman to show some skin and make a few seductive gestures and a man will not know what hit him. Most just don’t have the emotional stamina needed to turn down a clear invitation.
Whatever the reason it is the cheaters to own. If a man is not getting his needs met in the marriage it is his place to solve that problem without bringing a third person into the situation.
If a man has an issue with boundaries or low self-esteem, it is not his wife’s place to suffer the consequences. If you’ve been a victim of infidelity more than likely your husband has blamed you in some way.
I don’t believe in being a victim and I don’t believe in taking responsibility for someone else’s actions. If your husband has cheated and tries to tell you it was because there were problems in the marriage remind him that you were living in the same troubled marriage and chose not to cheat. A choice he could have made himself. A choice he is responsible for, not you.
If he isn’t willing to take responsibility, it may be time to divorce.
More from DivorcedMoms:
Serial cheaters just cheat – for no reason and just because they can. No matter who they are married to, serial cheaters cheat and will continue to do so. They won’t change, they can’t change. Serial cheaters are different from the man who cheats “just once” or because something went wrong in the marriage or with him. It’s still not right, but they can be forgiven after counseling, when they are truly contrite and you know it won’t happen again – when the issue is “fixed”. It does no good to forgive and stay with a serial cheater, unless this is a lifestyle you want to live with.
I agree Colline. Some men NEVER pass up an opportunity. Commitment be damned, they go for it!
I couldn’t agree more. I have noticed “cheaters” always find themselves in new relationships too. You cannot change a tiger’s stripes!
True Cicily, once a cheater, always a cheater. I had a neighbor who married a man she was cheating with. He left his wife and children for her. When he left her for another woman she was SHOCKED. All I could do was shake me head.
I took my unfaithful husband back after his lengthy first affair because I had just moved across the country for his new job position and we had just bought a new home there, far away from any of my family or friends. I also had 3 kids to take care of including a 3 yr old who needed intensive therapies in our home due to developmental delays.
We struggled along through 5 more years and another of his job moves, only for me to then discover during the holidays that he was in another lengthy affair with someone else which definitely did blow up our marriage.
Cathy – Don’t give the impressions that the only cheaters are men…I agree all in your article BUT as a man on the receiving end of betrayal I am not one of just a few….women are adulterers and cheaters too: it would be a little more “reasonable” if you would at least pay some sort of acknowledgement to that fact
John, where in the article did I give the impression that only men cheat?I wrote an article for a women’s website about men cheating. Should I have made a side not that women also cheat just because you don’t feel comfortable with the article? If I had written the article for a men’s website it would have been about women cheating. The reasonable thing to do is write to the audience who will be reading the content….women’s site, women readers. Here is a link to an article on DivorcedMoms about women who cheat…https://divorcedmoms.com/articles/the-top-8-reasons-women-cheat-this-may-surprise-you-2. Feel better now?
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Hi, My wife and I have been married for 15 years. For over five years I have been dealing with jealousy issues because of flirting and her having emotional type affairs with other men. I felt like my masculinity was in question and if I said the way she was acting bothered me, it seemed to make matters worse or I was accused of being controling. During this period I did state I wanted a divorce if the behavior was not going to end: texting men a night, leaving for the weekend without letting me know where she was going or not responding to messages. We do have a son and basically it’s been him and I for the last year on the weekends. She disconnected completely from being a good wife and mother. In April she said she wanted a separation and I said no we need to get into marriage counseling. We did try that, but she was not very responsive and didn’t give any effort. Afterward she was adamant about separation and divorce. I continued to say no and that we needed to save our family. She presented a separation agreement and I had to hire a lawyer. Because of the above behavior my lawyer suggested a private investigator. The investigator discovered my wife was having an affair with a close friend of the family who also is married with children. We know the extended families. I feel like I should tell this man’s wife about what happened. This adultery has devastated me emotionally, I feel betrayed and I’m physically drained. I know my wife is passionate in terms of her sexuality, and I can’t get the thought of them out of my head. It makes me question my own manhood, and I feel very inferior or that he must be a better lover or what ever. The problem is my wife pursued him. She would go to him and she lured him into this adultery. I felt this was coming for some time and could not stop it. She was not only lying to me but also to our son about what she was doing and where she was going. My family is important, my son loves her and as crazy as it sounds so do I. Can you respond with a course of action on how to proceed? I was still have a very huge place in my heart for her. so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Ahmed can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my wife came to me and apologized for the wrongs she did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I, my son and my wife are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Ahmed. as it is a place to resolve marriage/relationship issues, do you want to be sure if your spouse is being faithful to you or Do you want your Ex to come back to you Contact.: E-mail: [email protected] save your crumbling home and change of grades its 100% safe. I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you.