My mind is going a million miles a minute today. It's time to break out and do some creative thinking. Short update. More writing. Taking a breath. Look at how far I've come.
Stay tuned for
brilliance insight a-ha moments rambling thoughts...
The day started as they all do, by jumping on the scale. My goal (set on January 1st) was to lose 15 pounds. As of today, I'm up 4 pounds! Well, isn't that a kick in the pants. Then I stopped, looked around, and realized that I have successfully kept off 50 pounds for almost 18 months. And I've only gained 4 pounds over 5.5 months and that's after losing the use of my elliptical for several months, working at a desk job, and cutting my workouts down to once a day. (Prior to finding work I'd exercise twice or three times just out of boredom. Yes...me, who hates sweating).
I've found my Bueller moment. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Ooops, don't look now, my 80's are showing. "Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?"
My work contract was just renewed for another 6 months (random happy moment). That's a good thing. I didn't get a raise, but I get paid for my overtime efforts since I'm not a salaried employee. Silver lining since I am the go-to person for the difficult projects that turn into high priority fixes. So my overtime pays for me to take extra vacation time. That's fun. Looking back, at this time in 2013, I was without employment, without job prospects, and surviving on minimal funds. What a difference a year makes.
The microwave is broken but I have enough in the emergency fund to get a new one. The riding mower has a flat tire and needs an oil change but pushing the walking mower has kept me in shape while the elliptical was down for the count. I have a snake in the yard but the mouse population is reduced. I need a new roof and mortgage interest rates are still low, low, low so I can see about refinancing the house to lower the payment and pull out some equity for the repairs.
A year ago Husband #2 and I barely spoke and he was hot on the trail of removing himself from my life. Now we speak twice a week, meet with each other every two months, and have started to talk seriously about the problems and issues that we have individually in an effort to grow and be better people. I continue to look for the exceptions in our contact.
Another big milestone, Husband #2 sent me a letter sharing his thoughts on the book we're reading together (Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend). There was insight, confession, and, most importantly, no finger-pointing. From either of us. And there was talk about the next book we'd read together.
I'm pretty comfortable with my feelings now, too. I have come to the understanding that it's OK to be sad (signaling loss) or angry (signaling a problem) or reserved (signaling uncertainty) or even lonely (signaling my desire to still connect with another person even after getting left by two husbands).
Deep down, I've worked my way out of victim mode and can see how I recognize my triggers and choose my own responses to situations - good and bad. It's been a slow process...certainly one that hasn't been easy...but without challenges and conflict there would be no growth.
I still don't have my dream sofa, but I do have a better sense of who I am and where I'm going.