AshleyMadison: So Innocent, So Screwed
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July 21, 2015


Look at those stealth moves to hide their wedding rings...

Dear Noel and Amanda:

You had the world, and so many body parts and fantasies and cash, not to mention data, in the palms of your squeaky clean hands. But you forgot to lock the back door.

See, this is how it always goes down. In flames. One silly little oversight, usually due to adrenaline and testosterone and maybe some tequila, and your secrets are spilled. In your case that includes the credit card numbers, names, addresses, and filthy little fantasies of your clientele, who are really just trying to have a little fun in their sexless marriages, you know?

There you are, fighting the good fight, providing a service where others can get serviced. In a world where so many marriages end in destructive divorces, you provide us with an alternative: infidelity.

And to think that someone would be so cruel as to disrupt your honorable, selfless efforts that fly in the face of your own personal dedication to monogamy. It’s a shocking betrayal.

I bet you were angry. Furious. I bet you felt wronged. Used. Embarrassed. Humiliated. And now you’re going to have to deal with all this upheaval. You’ll go back through receipts and transcripts and data archives. You’ll probably have to go to court. A lot. All those lawyer fees and fines. There goes the bank account. You’ll be distracted at work, unable to focus. You’ll feel shamed as you wait for your innocent children at school pick up.

Will you ever be able to trust again?

Two wrongs never make a right. We see it all the time. But like my Mom said over and over, The truth will always out. (I know, not grammatically correct, but accurate nonetheless.) You got outed.

Throughout your meteoric success, complete with black hole-sized Egos, you always claimed that you weren’t doing anything wrong. No! You saw a market and you took the time and floated the cash to build a social site where people could get together and make plans. You magically created an alternative to divorce! You were saving marriages!

Apparently you were also saving the member profile data of those who paid you to permanently delete it.

Perhaps you did that because you couldn’t bear to let them go. You’d feel a void, rejected. Instead, you kept their data around like old photographs or love letters, and with Adele playing in the background, you’d revisit the good times you once shared.

I have empathy, Noel and Amanda.

Just not for you.

And while your valiant efforts to normalize have been, well, laughed at, you could have saved yourselves lots of time and perhaps avoided this business-busting hack had you just come clean and said:

We see dollar signs. That’s all. Dollar signs. Just like when a horny person in a sexless marriage sees a hottie, we hopped on for the ride.

Unfortunately, you forgot protection.

Here’s one part you haven’t yet realized: The Impact Team (affectionately known as TIT, at least to me) has delivered you right into my lair. They’ve made you my minions. For the last four years I’ve been trying my darndest to get people to “Have Conversations, Not Affairs”, and that’s exactly what’s going to happen when your Egos prevent you from taking down the site, as requested by TIT.

There’s going to be so many conversations happening and lots of cancelled weekend getaways to hotels that have champagne glass bathtubs. You will have garnered the ire of waitstaff at steakhouses all over the world. And all those girls who were expecting some new Victoria’s Secret lingerie or a sugar-rimmed cocktail at a rotating bar with a breathtaking, and expensive, view?

They’ll comfort themselves with online shopping for their back-to-school outfits.

Kids are so resilient these days.

Chalk your bad luck up to Tall Poppy Syndrome. And that doesn’t have anything to do with a chick with long legs. You got a little cocky. That zombie wife ad? Might have been the ‘jump the shark’ moment, only in this case the shark actually got you.

As much as millions of adulterers wish it weren't true, most of the world thinks infidelity is cruel and unnecessary. And those that cheat are sleazy, not just trying to make their marriage work.

Maybe you should have been a little more humble, like CraigsList.


Love Yourself (if you can), 


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