This afternoon The Genius lost his hummus on me. He let his anger at the mess he has created get the better of him, and I became the target of his spew. I was pretty unnerved by it.
But, out of respect for myself, I am going to write about exactly what I planned to write about and not let his actions derail me. If the following post makes absolutely no sense to me tomorrow I will publish a decoder companion book and send it out to anyone who is in the dark. In other words, I hope I can block out his negative energy, realign myself to terra firma and be moved by what I need to write. Because I really need to write.
Which is why I will be posting three times a week beginning Monday, April 2nd. Till it becomes hourly. When that happens I will also become a cat hoarder who collects newspapers, doilies and fake greenery. Posts will run down my fingers from my core and on to the pages of HGM on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. But you know I’m here all the time to talk, so don’t hesitate. I know we all have a lot to say that deserves to be heard.
LY, C
Thanks to an incredible friend and mentor, I’ll call him Mr. Simplicity, I got turned on to Mike Dooley. So far I have only dabbled in his “Notes from the Universe” that I receive in my email daily. They are funny and potent – my favorite combination. Yesterday I received the following “Note from the Universe”:
Would it be enough to know, Cleo (and you can know this through deductive reasoning), that long ago, when the two of us carefully mapped out your pending adventure into the jungles of time and space: the hills and valleys you would traverse; the setbacks and advances you would encounter; the good, the bad, and the ugly, and all of the lives you would touch; when our planning was done and the “big picture” was revealed…
You burst into tears of joy, overwhelmed with its perfection and who you’d become.
Yeah, like a baby – The Universe
Really, how great is that?
I know 400,000 other people got that same note but it felt like it was written just for me and to be received yesterday. I intuitively believe what ‘The Universe’ says in that quote. I attribute my current state of being, which is fairly peaceful and happy considering the brutal circumstances, to the fact that I buy into that. Which is more than just saying, ” Everything happens for a reason.” I buy into the fact that we create our reality which is a blend of good, bad, sad, challenging, unnerving, thrilling, depressing, boring with a dash of mad, to learn. To experience. To grow.
We humans are basically ‘Sim City’ for our Souls.
So how do we so often end up where we don’t really want to be? If we create our reality, as I believe we do, why isn’t it all sparkly and magical? Perhaps because our souls are already sparkly and magical and what they really want to experience is a journey that will stretch, take hold, contort, and strain so they can expand. I imagine, to the soul, nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems. (Another pearl of wisdom from Mr. Simplicity.) It’s all just one big opportunity to experience life. So why not have at it?
But as a person, it can seem like the world is against you as you struggle through something like a massive betrayal and you’re all alone. Why would I sit down at the beginning of my trip to the Blue Marble and plot out a life that includes something so heinous? To learn, to grow, to kick-start a new way of being. Maybe just to experience grief and then the beauty of joy after pain. Couldn’t it have been all about bubble gum ice cream without the weight gain and perfect hair?
Snore.
Life is school. I’m a pupil. And so is Mr. Jackpot. We’re in the same class. We have our own unique set of circumstances, but we’re both learning the same lessons. We’ve chosen to be study partners because our strengths and weaknesses balance each other out. There’s no where to hide because we are too aware of what each other is going through. I can vent to him knowing that it’s only a matter of time before he will need to vent to me. Neither one of us holds a power position over the other. Please. We’re a split second away from crying like a puppy who had his paw flattened by the heel of a Louboutin. We’re raw, emotional and vulnerable.
Somehow that combination is working. And by working, I mean that we are accomplishing something big together by being a mirror for each other. This role could have been filled by anyone. A Mom from school, a friend from home, or a family member. Which isn’t to say that those very people aren’t freely giving of their love and support, but only Mr. Jackpot has experienced, in virtually the same time frame, the same style of betrayal as me.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and risk having you all say I have drunk the NoCal Kool-Aid when I say that Mr. Jackpot and I made a deal to meet here at this time and place to help each other out. Did I tell you he’s a ginger, too? That pretty much confirms my feeling. Us gingers stick together.
He gets it. I get him. And because we helped each other out selflessly during such a challenging time, I am confident that we will be friends forever. One day we’ll look back and marvel at how we, as pupils, became teachers for each other. There will be a bond there that won’t be broken.
I am so very grateful I met him that night back in December. Being virtually alone in Marin, it was such a gift to meet someone that is not only really fun to be with, is super smart (effortlessly answers questions like, Why do some planes trail white exhaust and others don’t? or What is The String Theory? That’s priceless.) and hilarious, but more importantly is fulfilling an instrumental role in my healing. Not because he is galloping in as the knight in shining armor to scoop me up in his broad-shouldered arms, quite the opposite. He’s coming in saying, “I’m not the knight, I’m just a guy who’s trying to understand myself better, and if you want to be completely honest with yourself then take the cubby over there. Study hall begins in 5.” And that is why I call him Mr. Jackpot.
As I said in reply to JJ’s comment to my most recent post, if Mr. Jackpot was Ms. Jackpot I would be equally as jazzed to spend time together. Although having a male perspective has been fascinating. What’s important is that I didn’t let the encounter slide. I didn’t over-think it, or push it away because of my precarious emotional situation. I took a risk. And it’s still a risk. But I’m comfortable with the risk-to-reward ratio. It’s already paid off.
I believe it’s important, as in really freaking important, that we pay attention to encounters and pursue their meaning. I’m not suggesting that if someone holds the door open for me on a Monday I should wonder what their role is in my life till Friday. But when I get a feeling in my gut, or heart, or elsewhere that causes me to pause and take particular note of someone who has crossed my path, I pay attention to it. What is the message that person is sending? (Or animal, or plant, or inanimate object.) What are they here to teach me? (Which is why I am so moved by every comment on HGM.)
Meeting Mr. Jackpot was not happenstance. No way. Mr. Jackpot is here to teach me about boundaries, letting go of judgments, how negative thoughts can be destructive if allowed to run unleashed, how sometimes the life we think we’re supposed to be living isn’t the life we designed that had us burst into tears because of its beauty before we even got here.
And how to take risks. The biggest one to date being my decision to tell The Genius about my blog. So I did.
Don’t overlook anyone who crosses your path this week. Not a soul. Trust me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You told him? Ha. Good.
I’m not getting divorced, but I’m going through a rough time in my marriage. I really appreciate the laughs and feelings of hope you’ve provided to me while I read your blog.
Thanks for that.
C,
I did. It was sweet.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I love that you’re here. I hope this rough time provides ample opportunity to stretch yourself, allow yourself to expand. Together we’ll stay in the flow. I have found that with this delicate balancing act comes stronger abs. There’s a side benefit to everything!
Don’t go far and,
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Yes, there are things you consciously or subconsciously did which have brought you to where you are now. You do bear some responsibility for what has occurred in your marriage. That being said though both times when I read those beautifully written words, dare I say that I read it and it struck me that maybe you were taking too much responsibility. You may have been a perfectionist, held the Genius up on a pedestal, not been open about what you wanted or needed from your spouse and other things, but your husband also bears responsibility and I don’t mean just for the cheating. Before turning outside of your marriage to the happy dance chick, he also didn’t tell you what he needed or wanted from his spouse and didn’t give you the opportunity to work on your issues, to say nothing about leading a double life for four years. Often in divorce people are so much reeling from their hurt and disappointment that they refuse to accept any responsibility for whatever went wrong in the marriage. It’s wonderful that even through this sea of shit that you have had to wade through that you do accept your own responsibility for where your life is now, just be careful not, in your quest for self awareness not to forget that someone else is responsible too. I know you know this, but just thought I would say it.
xoxoxoxoxox
Dana
D,
Say what you think I know as often as you can. Because what I think I know fades in and out, gets lost in the chaos of interacting with The Genius or just slides off because it doesn’t suit my needs at that moment. When you tug on my ear and guide my head in a particular direction I take a fresh look at what you want me to see. It is so very helpful. Don’t. Stop.
As The Genius bombs me from all directions with his stressed-out anger, I need the reminder to remain focused on my journey here and the work (growth) I need to accomplish. We are both responsible for the state of our marriage, and we are individually responsible for the choices we have made which have impacted our marriage. I want to be proud of my choices. That is a big driver for me. I made mistakes, sure. But I am proud of how I lived my marriage.
And now I am going to be proud of how I live this new leg of my journey. Right here, right now. With all of you.
This is gonna be fun…
Love yourself,
Cleo
The Genius is bombing you with anger because that is all he’s got. He may be directing that anger toward you but it is really toward himself. I don’t know The Genius but I am willing to bet that through these four years of Happy Dance Chick he built up all kinds of rationalizations for why he was doing what he did. He found a line of bs he could buy which could help him to live with himself and rationalize what he was doing to you and the marriage. Even when he was caught, he could still stick to his giant genius rationalization, his story. Even if he knew it was wrong, even if he was sorry, he still had his foundation of bs to stick to and that foundation has probably served as his one true comfort and security blanket through all of this.
But now that he knows you are writing about it he cannot. OK, you are not naming names (lucky for him) but somewhere, even if he never reads it, it’s out there, and it is causing the foundation of his house o’bullshit to crack. That’s why he’s angry. He’s spent years perfecting some illusion to justify his actions and he’s angry at you for using reality to tear it down.
D,
I have nothing to add but to say that you are the cat’s meow of analysts. You are spot-on. Every step of the way. (Of course, here’s where I add even though I ‘have nothing to add’) I will reread your comment when I need to remind myself of why he’s angry. When faced with his anger I immediately look at what I’ve done to cause it. And, yes, I am causing him to be angry in a sense, but it’s because of my positive steps forward that he gets twisted tighter than a tornado.
I choose to be truly happy, to live a truth-centered life, and to be very grateful for every gift, every day.
You are one of those gifts.
Love yourself,
Cleo
D,
I have nothing to add but to say that you are the cat’s meow of analysts. You are spot-on. Every step of the way. (Of course, here’s where I add even though I ‘have nothing to add’) I will reread your comment when I need to remind myself of why he’s angry. When faced with his anger I immediately look at what I’ve done to cause it. And, yes, I am causing him to be angry in a sense, but it’s because of my positive steps forward that he gets twisted tighter than a tornado.
I choose to be truly happy, to live a truth-centered life, and to be very grateful for every gift, every day.
You are one of those gifts.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Please put a warning on your blog, something like “Not to be read while drinking” tea that is. I almost choked on said when I got to the end of your post.
So kindly move, and make room while I do the backbend.
Reading HGM: Rules of Operation:
You may drink while reading, but not tea. We prefer a heady red from NoCal, version 2007.
You may not bake while reading.
You ought to have brushed your teeth prior to reading. (Please.)
You do not have to be clothed while reading. But if you are naked in public and you expect to blame that on HGM, be sure to have at least groomed yourself.
Cleo, now that he knows about your blog, keep in mind that your words here could come into play if you two go into divorce and it gets nasty/nastier. It may sound outlandish now, just be careful.
Now that you know his eyes are on your words and he is part of your audience, I hope that does not temper your thoughts…but at the same time I don’t see how it could not.
And, if you like the Notes from the Universe, you might also like Rob Breszny.
M,
Thank you for your guidance. I need all eyes on me as I move through this and can envision a HGM ‘corporate’ picnic to bring all of you together where I can toast your beauty and brilliance as we celebrate our beautiful journeys on the Blue Marble.
I will tell you that NOTHING will temper my thoughts here but will save the rest for my post tomorrow. Imagine me as a woman who ought to have an assistant ready to slap a hand across my mouth but refuses to hire one. I will speak from the heart forever.
The greatest gift I have given myself is HGM. And I am so grateful for your presence here.
Love, love, love Rob. And you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
If you like Mike Dooley, you will love Sandra Anne Taylor – start with Truth,Triumph and Transformation.
Stay True. We’re getting there slowly but surely…the lesson was a painful one to learn but clearly we’re both headstrong so a subtle smack wasn’t going to do it. No, we both needed the proverbial kick to get us to wake up.
Your writing keeps me grounded, you may be speaking to many of us but I often feel it’s just for me. So selfishly I ask you to keep going. Write more and don’t hold back.
From pupil to unintentional Master, Namaste and as always, thank you.
MLP
Xx
MLP,
Oh, how I adore you. I will be writing more, and hopefully you will be here reading it all. Your presence keeps me grounded. I mean that from my core. I will repeat this massively: I would not be where I am today without you – all of you.
From unintentional Master to a delicious, beautiful, wise, funny and brilliant woman, thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
If you’ll start posting every hour
P,
Big Julia Roberts style laughter. I am so sorry, having now read your comment, that I missed my deadline to post last night. I had several connectivity issues. Do forgive. And thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
How I wish I lived in Marin Co. (My absobloodylutely favorite county in the whole USofA). I would invite you to The Marin Headlands, I’ll provide the wine, glasses and tissues, oh and lawn chairs (I detest sitting on the grass). We’ll toast to loves lost, loves gained and the Big D (I don’t mean Dallas) while watching the sun set over San Francisco. We’ll then toast to the new day that follows and the new adventures that lay ahead.
Live, laugh, love life.
Heidi
H,
The boys roll their eyes now when, every morning, I hop in the car and say, “Seriously, how amazing is it to live here?” I get the nod and smile as they sneak a glance at each other, mouthing the words ‘groundhog day’. I’m thinking we need to have an HGM symposium on the Headlands at sunset. I’ll bring the figs wrapped in prosciutto and stuffed with goat cheese.
Somebody didn’t eat her breakfast…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo. I found your site today. I really love your writing style. Mine was not nearly so elegant. More like gut spew and raging sludge.
I don’t know. I just don’t know about this ‘soul school’ stuff anymore. I don’t think ‘growth’ is anything more than ‘change will happen.’ Growth doesn’t mean better, or wiser or stronger, or anything. Just change. I don’t think our souls are looking for a brighter self.
I think reality, our experience, just is. Change just is. Purpose in life is what we seek because knowing the predictable course of the seasons is survival insurance. Expecting people to be good, and to work towards a karma of ‘better’ may not be any sort of truth.
I think we do what we do because we do it. Plans before birth, soul contracts, I’m just not so sure anymore. I don’t think we need that to explain why we are where we are. I don’t think needing the next great lesson is how we got here. I think that just hopes to make sense out of the senseless.
Perhaps that is the true nature of letting go, not that we let go of living, or our need to belong together, but that living merely is all there is, in itself. Souls eperience because that is just how it happens. A great purpose is not necessary.
Thus the darkness within us, and the light, and the twilight. Dream of ancient wombs and layers of brain development and patterns within patterns. Only change is certain. What that change will be can never be so.
A,
I’m glad you found HGM and thank you for taking the time to comment. Your words are thought-provoking. We would have a great discussion about all that you write over wine and fondue, for sure.
I noticed that you use the word “think” often in your comment. Which leads me to believe that you were coming from the mind as you wrote this. I wonder if we were conversing about these ideas and I asked you how these ideas make you feel, if you would go deeper than it is all as it is because it is.
“I don’t think ‘growth’ is anything more than ‘change will happen.’” If I simply changed throughout this experience post-Pocket Call, perhaps I would change into a bitter, closed, pessimistic person who scarfs marshmallows while criticizing the backsides of housewives on reality TV shows. That would be change sans growth. But, post-Pocket Call, if I became vulnerable, open, gentle, and willing to love even though my heart is timid, I would be growing from change.
I’m motivated to write about creation again. Thank you. It’s a theory that was hard for me to absorb at first, but it’s meant more to me than anything else I have learned through this process. I’m curious how you feel after you read that post.
I’m grateful that you found me and for causing me to pause and ponder.
Love yourself,
Cleo
First off you are a very talented writer WOW!!!!
I felt the need to register for a creative writing online course before I left a comment.
As I lay here in bed with my iPhone watching this little blue line flash I’m at a loss for words.
I’m going to give it a shot
Your blog this story your exact emotions so well thought out with a touch of humor in every sentence, has done more for me in the last two hours than the 1000 why people cheat and every variation of cheating that google pulls up for the last year.
It has not totally soaked in yet but this has done something deep inside that I longed for every second of everyday for the last year
I am a 42 year old man that has been married for 20 years and 3 children
I have loved a woman (soon to be ex) with a severe personality disorder
This is my newfound knowledge learned through therapy and reading every website that google pulls up on cheating spouses
I do not want to take away from your wonderful blog and forgive me your pain that I feel while I am reading there is nothing wonderful about it.
I have been left by my wife 6 times in 20 years year 5 she cheated and this final episode since June 2012 Oh! but this time she’s in love. And as if right now may 4 2013 she left again to go on a weekend trip with (him) I’m not in the cute nickname mood
And I finally packed all of her things and she will not be coming back to our house except to get her boxes out of the garage
Struggling all night I stumbled across this blog that gave me how do I say it
A new outlook and also very bittersweet to how weak I gave been
I really thought for such a long time that understanding these emotional disorders
mistakes personal atruggles abd every excyse tgat a woman can give i really thought i was being as God wanted me to be as a husband
Well you don’t have to work for NASA to figure out after reading the last paragraph that I have severe boundary issues
A year of counciling to say severe boundary issues
The point of this is praise to you for being so strong and handling your situation so so well while I am having a hard time packing her Neiman Marcus dresses.
Be proud of your self while I am typing my 18 years old daughter text me
Dad It’s really hard for me not to say anything to my mom I texted and called her she ignores my text and my calls. It makes me angry I don’t know who mom is anymore. I really forgot what it’s like to have a mom
She can’t just come and go when she pleases and be a mom when she feels like it. If she’s gonna keep leaving she should just stay away.
I will futher comment but I must now be there for my daughter
Again your blog has givin me hope thank you I feel so weak but empowered now scared but hopeful
Oh and backstory about me
Not that this is any bearing on things but
I have been told may times You are really good looking Thomas
I thought you were in your 30s favorite
I’m smiling ! just heard that last night
I have a degree from Berkeley and Carnegie
Own my own company
Point is you are so ahead of the game on your self growth your healing your life
There are so many very bad decisions that we can make in our darkest hour just to make tge pain go away
Thank you I really can’t not put into words at this moment what your blog has done for me
It’s feels great what ever it is
Thank you
T,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. This cracked me up: “I felt the need to register for a creative writing online course before I left a comment.”
And then things got serious. Boundaries. I’m reminded of something many kittens have said to me – We teach others how to treat us. I allowed myself to be trampled and thought by allowing time to heal the wounds I was demonstrating my commitment to our marriage. Nah. I was demonstrating to TG what a sweet deal he had – if one’s goal is to be an adulterer. After he cheated on me the first time I told him, If you do this again I will leave you. His response was, That’s sexy.
Now, call me moronic for not leaving then. But, I can also interpret that as, When you stand up for yourself I find it sexy.
The flip of that is, When you let me walk on you I do not find that attractive.
You will find such wisdom here, T. The kittens know how to bring it. My sense is that today is about simplifying. Staying in the moment. For you and for your children. To you I say, It will all be okay. My eyes are smiling, my heart is open, I feel so certain about this: It will all be okay. Please send that message to your children. They need only that simple message, time on the planet (Limantour!) and your love. When they have emoted enough to free up some space for thoughts of their Mom, you may want to encourage them to embrace the idea that we’re all in different stages of development as souls, we all have freedom of choice and must accept the consequences of our actions. And all of us deserve unconditional love. But to give unconditional love in a healthy way, one must have boundaries.
HGM nudged you in some direction, T. I’m so grateful you found it. The message here is to look for magic. In our darkest hour we can make the very best decisions and choices to free the pain and embrace the magic. Stay close, T. You will be well supported here.
Love yourself,
Cleo