During my marriage to Rob the Great (Alcoholic), I was often left scratching my head on how we could be getting along one minute and the next – bam! – we would get in the biggest arguments one could imagine. Of course, looking back on my life married to a drunk, it was the alcoholic. Unstable, mean, makes no sense at all, world of alcoholism.
Flash forward to today, I am happily divorced from The Drunk and have rebuilt my life. I still struggle with my health (myeloma, a blood cancer) and try to be a good mom (even though I too often fail). But at least I’m away from the severe abuse that accompanies an addict.
And so after four years of not speaking, texting or emailing Rob, and his total abandonment of two daughters, he reappeared in February, texting and calling the girls on a regular basis. I was happy and relieved. I prayed often begging God that he would stick around this time. I was hopeful. He invited Mo (our 16 year old) out to San Diego to spend five days with him, he bought her a plane ticket. This was happening!
About a week before “Mo’s” scheduled departure, I got a text from Rob. My heart stopped. Because his communications would often send me into anxiety attacks. They could be so brutally mean and awful. And going back and reading this exchange, I had proof right in front of me that perfectly illustrates my point that Rob was and still is explosive and unpredictable. And a drunk (his many promises to quit drinking have not happened—he is as awful as ever). Words are powerful, especially in the written form, because you can come back to them. And here it goes snippets of our text exchange… (some edits were made to get rid of typos)
August 3, 11:02 AM from Rob to me (Rob is likely sober at this time of day)
Sorry to hear [you are sick]. I did not know [that]. Take care.
My note: Back when I was diagnosed with Stage III multiple myeloma, I told Rob about my diagnosis. He filed outrageous documents with Family Court saying that I wasn’t sick, that I needed to get back to work, and I was making this all up to get sympathy from people. I filed letters from my oncologist – letters that Rob received copies of letters from my oncologist that detailed my health status. Still, Rob denied I was sick, and told mutual friends and his family that I was just trying to get his money. It was disgusting.
From me to Rob
“I’ve been sick for 4.5 years! And I’m in Washington, DC often in a clinical trial at NIH. You know I’ve been sick.
From Rob to me
I didn’t mean to upset you. Last I read about it. You were in remission. That was years ago. I don’t go on social media and only know what I last saw. Now I know. I’m hopeful the trials go well and you recover. Take care.
My note: Maybe there is hope that Rob and I can get along. Maybe he has grown a soul. Cross fingers, crossing fingers. Pray.
It is now 4:19 PM when Rob reappears via text. By now, he has likely been at a bar for over an hour. He often leaves work really super early, takes his work phone and answers emails so his boss and coworkers think he’s still “working.” Instead, he is typically getting wasted. Seriously, some of his “best friends” are bartenders and cocktail waitresses. It’s so sad. Luckily, he works for a utility company and it’s nearly impossible to get fired. The most incompetent employees get promoted or shuttled off to another department so he becomes someone else’s problem.
4:19 PM text from Rob to me
Where is the new dad? (Referring to my husband of about a year)
My note: Why I ever even answered this text shows how quickly I’m ready to still engage with this monster. Stupid me. Some things never change.
Text from me to Rob
Um here at home with me. “Josh” is their step dad. YOU are their dad. The kids do luv and miss you!
Text from Rob to me
Right. You are home with Josh. Kinda messed it all up. Mo will have a great time [with me]. Then done with it.
My note: Yes Rob, you did mess it all up. You picked alcohol over your family. You’ve destroyed two families. You have four daughters and don’t have a normal or stable relationship with any of them.
Text from me to Rob
What do you mean “then done with it?”
My note: My heart is pounding. Please, he’s threatening to stop communicating with them after he alone decided to reappear in their lives? WHO DOES THIS? Rob the Great (Alcoholic), that who. A man who uses children as weapons to punish adults.
Text from Rob to me
I don’t at all trust you, you lie. You involve yourself in Tina’s life (Tina is Rob’s ex wife and we are great friends), my kids, all court stuff, have flattened my career via social media and now I caught you in a big lie? You lied. Mo can join me, I miss the kids. We go from there. However you lied. I’m used to that. We need to square that item up a bit.
My note: WTF. To go from “hope you get well” to I lied? First, I lie about NOTHING. Second, I have involved myself in court stuff? I have no idea what he is talking about. I don’t involve myself with his kids, we are close and has NOTHING to do with him. In addition to being a mean drunk, he is also a narcissist. And so I responded…
Text from me to Rob
I lied about what?
Text from Rob to me
Will be nice to see [Mo].
And so it goes… Rob continues to call me a liar, none of which he has ever substantiated with a single fact. He decided to enter the girls’ lives in order to have a weapon to use against me. And he can flip from “nice Rob” to “evil Rob” in minutes. Knock back a few drinks and there is no telling what he’s capable of doing or saying.
I stopped texting him at this point and days later, Mo boarded a flight to see her dad. But not before he sent me several more texts asking that Mo help him perpetuate a myth of who and where he is truly living, which I will share in a separate post. Because, parents, under no circumstances should we encourage our children to lie. And we should never ask that they lie in order to provide “cover” for a parent. That is immoral and wrong.
The thing is, a drunk (or drug addict) has no morals. And that, my friends, is a big problem.
Hi Lizzy,
My sister was just diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma; can you tell me what treatment you sought? Her doctor is recommending Chemotherapy. She only has one kidney. Her’s is short light and Kappa. I know next to nothing about this illness, but wish she could have more options for treatment. ??
I hope you are still doing well!
Laura